Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

Dear Marriage Counselor,
I had a bad fight with my husband tonight and wish I could reach out to you for comfort. You're so good at making me feel better. But it would be a conflict of interest, especially after our couple of individual sessions about transference in the past month. I'll just have to imagine your comforting voice and the look you'd have in your eyes. Till Monday afternoon (please don't have some reason to cancel!)...

Dear T,

I hate to tell you this, but therapy is NOT about manipulating people and lying to them. If that is the best you could get out of grad school then that is really sad. It's also not a good idea to teach your clients how to manipulate others, you will never know how your teachings are being used and they may very well create enormous problems.

dear t,

looking forward to seeing you. our friday session helped me so much.

Miss you...

Pdoc,

maybe it's time for me to stop seeing you.

htn

please stop with all the religion...where is this coming from?

I'm sorry...

i feel angry towards you and i don't know why. hello transference.

I'm dumbfounded by all the people that kid themselves.

T,

I know that you are going to say that you don't get disappointed with me but I am not looking forward to telling you what an unproductive week I just had. Maybe I can get something accomplished before I see you on Thursday.

I suppose I did have a couple things that were successful. I spent a lot less time than normal thinking about you. I cried a bunch last night and tried to "feel it" as you say. I guess I did because I didn't make it stop by hurting myself. Speaking of that, it's been 16 days. I also would say that I had a better week at work than usual. Less agitation and I am trying to put less pressure on myself to be "super receiving manager." It's not like I'll be rewarded for it.

The downside of my week is all I can think about though. I skipped the meditation I was going to go to. I skipped yoga this morning. I spent money I don't have this weekend. I didn't walk anymore than usual. I am eating poorly. I'm not sure if I'm even hungry when I'm eating. Finally, there's a wedding shower that I have been invited to today and I am not going. So all the sh** you told me to start doing again... I didn't do.

I know that I can keep trying, and I will. I want you to be proud of me. I don't want all the progress on my weight that I made during my divorce just go to waste.

Are you tired of me? I have so much to tell you but I don't feel like I can talk about it anymore. I want you to bring it up because I'm not brave enough to do it. I want you to notice it and make questions. I want to cry desperately in front of you like I do wen I'm alone and can't stop, instead of (almost) always looking great. I am cold like a stone. But it is so different inside. Please notice I am stuggling because I can't tell you. Please notice me!

T,

It's me again. What I really need or want to tell you is how depressed I've been feeling this weekend. I'm not sure if this is sad or not but it took everything I had to get out of the house to do my laundry but I did it. Well I'm doing it. Do you know how I did it? I heard you say, in my head, "Do what you have to do. Whatever you need to do, do it. Just do it. Don't think about it. Do it."

What a fool I was to have believed in you.

How could you have told me that you loved me and thought of me when we weren't in session? I believed you when you told me what a special person I was. I wish I never would have given you my trust, which is so important to me. You've damaged me so much. I hope I can be fixed by someone who really cares!

Dear T, I did good today.

Dear T,

I don't get the references to wanting a T to be a "mom" figure. Unless those threads are geared toward children maybe?

Creamsickle

FM

Can i do it? I think I can. I think I can. I think....................

FM,

He said, "Yes." He wants an Easter basket! I get to make my 18th one. Do you think he'll say yes at least through grad school? I know, he really is growing up. And, I'm happy for us.

I still miss you so much and I still can't quite grasp what all this emotion is. I wish I had been able to tell you how much I cared instead of trying to explain that I never wanted to care when I started working with you. Why do I think something is wrong with me? Why do I feel now like I've been "cheating" on my husband for 13 years? I feel like that, but I also think that's stupid. Is all this really just depression and anxiety? I need an explanation. I don't understand. I just want to go away to a place where there is no one, curl up with a blanket, and cry for days...

i feel awful today. saw pdoc who was useless as ever. i feel like i am drowning.

CBT T- wish you weren't away this week.

Hi T. I'm doing fine today. It sucks. You know why? Because every time I'm fine, which means I'm not crying my eyes out and missing you terribly, I'm angry at you. Angry that I have to let you go. My head knows that ending therapy is okay and even agrees to it. But my heart doesn't feel that way. At all. It means that soon I won't have you in my life anymore and I hate that. I really do. And it hurts. So much. I hate missing you. I hate having to let you go.

i'm not sure if i can do this

dear T

i feel bad bc i had angry thoughts about u when i was texting you about the cameras in my apartment...i felt like you didnt believe me and you said to take a prn and i got mad . bc i thought it wouldnt help and that you dont get it. but you helped me realize i need to take one so i did and things got better. but i feel bad for feeling angry at you...bc anger is a hard emotion for me...especially when i feel it towards someone i care about. bc i think it means they will go away if i express it. not sure if i will tell u it made me mad. im not mad anymore i feel ok today. anyway see you tomorrow T

me

I don't know what exactly happened today, but I can tell you were kind of shocked by my behavior.