Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part XIII

i ****ing hate you, you have broken my ****ing heart

i never want to see you again. i will never talk to you again

After 2 weeks I finally see you again. I'm nervous. I wrote something, but I'm afraid to show it to you. I used some curse words and name-calling. I don't know how you will react on that. I don't use curse words often, only when I'm real angry.
I also didn't do my homework properly. The second part is just a bit too hard. I feel like such a failure.

Still no reply. I was doing fine but this is making me anxious all over again... I'm afraid you forgot about it. Forgot me

ok, i'm feeling better towards you now.

t, I think I've started grieving the giving up of "us", of the team we've been for 3.5 years, of this deep connection we have. Hubby went to a baseball game last night so he didn't get home until long after I went to bed, so I had the space for it... I lit a little tea light candle last night before I went to bed and looked at the flame and gave myself permission to feel the loss, and I 'talked' to you about it in my head and cried until I fell asleep. I forgot to blow the candle out, so it burned itself out at some point I guess. I'm ready to talk to you this evening now. I'll probably cry some more, but I don't care. It's not like I haven't cried with you before. It's kinda stupid t, I'm the one who instigated ending therapy, I still feel like it's right and it's time and that I'm ready, but I'm feeling the sadness of separation. Big time. I know I'll be fine, but right now, it hurts. A bunch. Teach me how to do this. Okay?

dear T

i feel angry for no reason. ANGRY CHILD MODE!!!! pray for the old ppl i have to deal with at work. i gotta practice my fake smile in the mirror. hehe

me

ps ty for responding to my 20,000 texts about saturday

p.s. 15 is screaming "BUT I WANTED TO SEE YOU ONE MORE TIME IN PERSON!! NO!! WE CAN'T DO THIS!"

(Zip it, 15. We can and we are. She's not moving back, and we can't afford to go visit her, so just zip it okay?! You'll get over it.)

What did you do to me T? How come I'm still so needy?Why can't I just do the things I need to do instead of checking my email every minute now?

im scared about friday...

Darling T -

I just saw you.
My heart hurts today.
I miss you.
A lot.

~EM

This is getting hard now, T. 2 weeks you've been gone and another one to go. H is ill and my son's behaviour has taken a nosedive and the kids aren't back at school for another week. I'm sick of taking everyone else's s*** on my shoulders and no one even asking how it might be impacting on me. And this is before all my own issues are even taken into consideration. It just SUCKS. And it sucks I can't talk to you about it.

Dear T

I think this is it. I just don't feel heard by you. I've contacted a new T and maybe it's time to move on.

I wanted you to hear me, I wanted to have feelings. Instead you said I should explore deeper friendships to have those feelings in. I don't want a friendship. I want to express without considering how someone else is hurt by my illness.

Dear T
Thank you for being so kind and patience today. I hope you didn't find it anoying that I was crying and not saying anything for some time. I think you didn't, because you were so nice, but still, I worry. I wish I could have told you everything that I was thinking, but that one thing, that huge thing, I just can't talk about. Not to anyone. But maybe it isn't necessary. Now I have to wait 8 days to see you again.

Have you tried writing about it? I find it sometimes easier to write down how I feel or what has happened. I've emailed my T a lot when I couldn't find the words in session.

Dear T, Thanks for saying how much something I said about my childhood affected you, that it made you really feel for me. And for saying that you always care, just that you cared even more than usual in that moment. It made me tear up because, even though I knew it deep down, it was nice to hear you say it.

And you've seemed extra caring ever since I brought up all the transference stuff with MC and the confusing feelings and the stuff from childhood that it dredged up. Thank you.

You didn't forget me

Dear T,
my suicidal thoughts are getting more and more intense. I am really ashamed to tell you about them. I don't even know if it's serious, I cannot say. Maybe I'm just making this up. On one hand, I'm afraid I won't be treated seriously. On the other hand, I am afraid I may scare you and you won't be willing to work with me anymore.

why does my "need" to talk about and process this stuff intensify when I'm at a safe distance? I really want to talk about this *now* because I am in touch with it, but I won't be seeing you for a week. why can't I be in touch with it when I am there and have the time to talk to you? why is it so hard to address in person?
now that the door is open though, I'm sure it will remain open until the moment I go back for session... then defenses fly back into place and I won't know how to talk about this. I won't be able to give you what I wrote out. It will all feel stupid and far away...
will this ever get easier?
I wish I wasn't losing you soon (even though this time limit is my own). I wish I could keep one safe person in my life. (yeah, wife is safe, but you are trained to be safe, so I have some more faith in you being that way more consistently than I do her)...

Just responding to the last part. My marriage counselor has said that my transference for him is partly because he is safe (nothing can happen romantically with me and him). But I pull away from my husband because he doesn't seem so safe. Yes, we're married and he says he loves me, but there is risk there, and he could decide to reject me and leave. And that made total sense to me. So I know what you mean by your wife technically being safe, but not in the same way as your T.

Dear MC,
Pretty sure I'll be snuggling the stuffed elephant and thinking of you again tonight. Still not sure if me holding a stuffed animal means it's a paternal thing or if it's that I'm pretending the elephant is you and it's an erotic/romantic thing. Or a little of both. But yeah. That's all.

We'll be talking in an hour. Part of me wants to say I didn't mean it.

But I did.

We can do this.

t-minus 30 minutes. biting my nails. i feel incredibly nervous. why?! i know it's been almost 3 weeks since we talked but i have no reason to be nervous.

I am so happy today. Thank you!

1. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know that I couldn't handle a deep session today. The casual session we had wound up strengthening our bond.
2. Your laugh attack was precious.
3. You are a major nerd, and I love that about you. Heck, I just love you period.

Feeling stupid and embarrassed over the email I sent you. I'm still trying to figure you out. Why do I need to have constant reassurance??? I do not like being child-like..