i keep ruining things

I know in my panic to not come off as difficult and annoying, I do so anyway. I have this pattern. I try really hard to be good, but I end up screwing everthing up anyway.
I had all this stuff I wanted to bring to T today in an effort to help better understand things, but she looked sad and tired today, so I didn't bring anything to her. I couldn't even reality-check around the accuracy of my assessment of her, because I was worried it would be annoying or crossing a boundary.
Instead I spent the better part of the session checked-out and frustrating her...
I think I should just step away from therapy. I keep screwing things up, and making people mad at me. At least if I'm not there, that's one less relationship to bungle...

Awww... I'm sorry your T session didn't go so well today. It seems like a painful bit of irony that you were *trying* to be nice (by not burdening T when she seemed sad and tired, and not crossing boundaries), but that it *seemed* to backfire and bug her more.

Do you think, in retrospect, you would have done anything different? I'm wondering if maybe it's OK to reality check stuff like this - and let T worry about the boundary (i.e. it sounds like you're trying to police her boundaries for her, but she doesn't need you to do that - and if you do that regularly, you end up missing out on a lot of possibly good interactions because you're being too careful!).

And, for the record... omg can I relate (re: trying to be good, but feeling like I'm messing up stuff more because of it). My T asked me a few sessions back to name one thing that I'm *good at*. I couldn't... so he pressed, and told me surely I could come up with one thing.

My eventual answer was... "Uh, I think I'm good at ruining therapy!"

Anyway... don't quit over this! T's make it their life work to help people who are bad at relationships, they know what they're in for, and they signed up for this. This is definitely, very much much, not "quit-worthy".

*hang in there*

That sounds so frustrating I know when I have sessions where I can't get anything said it makes me want to give up too. It's like, what was that whole hour for?

But you know what, all of the (actually significant) progress I've made in therapy has come from the motivation that being frustrated has provided. When you can't do something you want to do... that is not YOU or your fault. That is your past interfering with you. You definitely can become more assertive and more able to focus on your own needs. It starts with this frustration. Bring that frustration to T, talk about that specific interaction in that specific session, since she has seen the problem in action. If she knows how you felt, she'll be able to help you better. Frustration is good. It is pointing the way to healing, but it's telling you that you need to hear yourself and be heard more than anything on this issue. Don't give up!

Thank you both.
The more time I've had to think about it, the more I'm confused by t's reaction to the session. The week before I had been able to admit to not really trusting being able to open up yet; that I wanted to, but fear kept me from being able to say anything. that session ended with me wanting to run from the office, though I wasn't quite sure why. I had intended to talk to her about it yesterday, but she had just returned from a sudden trip (no idea what she left for), and she looked like she was going to cry as she took me back. That triggered a need to walk on eggshells around her, so much so that I couldn't even ask if my interpretation of her was correct. So I couldn't ask or say much of anything in session.

This morning, I'm thinking her assessment was unfair. We had talked about coping this week. I realized I hadn't used any negative coping skills at all despite being really triggered. I don't think she heard that (or registered it) because she went on to say that I was looking and coping worse as therapy progressed... um? No. Except I didn't know how to be assertive around that in the moment.
on the one hand she says she sees me "trying" yet she doesn't acknowledge any actual progress...
I dunno. I'm hoping whatever she was out for the entire week between sessions threw her off and made them worse. I'm hoping this isn't going to be how I totally screw up another therapy relationship.

If she had just returned from a sudden trip, it could have been to see a sick relative or friend or for a funeral, which would explain the sadness. And she was likely tired if she had just been traveling. It's probably personal stuff and not about you.

One thing my T has talked about is if you expect someone to feel a certain way (frustrated by you), then you may assume they're feeling that way, even if they aren't. It's called projecting. You might interpret her looking tired or her frustration as being about you, even if they have nothing to do with you. (Not sure how much sense that made--I'm not quite awake yet.)

You could bring that up next session, say you had trouble bringing things up that you wanted to. You could mention that she seemed sad, tired, then, later, frustrated, and see what she says. And say that you're scared of screwing up therapy--I'm sure you're not the first of her patients to worry about that! But definitely address it--don't just assume her feelings toward you.

That makes sense LonesomeTonight
There was actually one point where I almost asked "projecting much?" but knew it was too snarkey. I didn't want to be rude, but wasn't in a place to effectively think of another way to ask, so I didn't.
I'm pretty sure I'm projecting the frustration and annoyance, but that in doing so, I *am* actually becoming frustrating and annoying.

My therapist has had a few off days where she seemed sad and tired, but I just made the most of the session anyway, figuring she can still do her job. It would bother me big time if she ever told me I was looking and coping worse as therapy progressed, or if she minimized my gains as "trying." If this is unusual for her, I'd let it go. But if it's a pattern, I would definitely let her know how that was affecting me and take it from there.

I don't think we make people mad. That's a choice someone else makes.
Believing we are that omnipotent is a defence.

that's actually one of the things I am trying to work through in therapy. Intellectually, I understand I don't have that power, but the little 5 year old in me who always got blamed for everything and always had to take the blame for everything is super worried. Sadly, that's mostly the part that reacts to therapy...

LicketySplit, I'm not sure if this is a pattern with her because I have only been seeing her for about 7 or 8 weeks (started in the beginning of Jan). Yesterday was the first time it came up, though she has been implying that therapy is very triggering.

I'm still hoping that is was just stress from her personal life making dealing with my crap that much more difficult. At least I see her on Tuesday and can hopefully address this.

There were a few times I questioned if she had pigeon-holed me into a diagnosis, but she denied having made such sweeping judgements. I let it go at the time because I know my own state of mind and fears play a lot into how I see people. She was warm and empathetic most of the time, but when i was more cautious around her, I perceived her as more judgemental. Maybe that was the case with yesterday also...

Does anyone have any tips for being able to "reality check" in the moment to avoid all this agonizing? There are times I can come back and ask at a later date, but it would help SO MUCH to be able to do it in the moment.