Instability....

I've been thinking about something that was discussed in therapy on Tuesday... and just can't see it her way. Does anyone else see their sessions as one STABLE thing in your life? And see that as a plus? It's the one thing you know will be there, one thing you can depend on, when everything else is just chaos. I guess in a way, I see it that way. I plan my life around my sessions....I don't think that's pathetic, it's just that you know on this day or that day, I am unavailable for other things. I'm committed.

My T is dealing with personal issues right now, and has had to cancel, delay or reschedule sessions. Luckily I had notice with most of them. She's sincerely apologetic, she's been in practice over 20 years, and said never, until now, has her personal life affected her professional life, so this is all new to her as well. So there is a great deal of uncertainty in her schedule right now.

But she said this is not all bad, that life doesn't just stop when we need it to, so it's basically a learning experience. (I'm totally paraphrasing). She is right, of course, but when therapy is pretty much the only thing that's "for sure" right now...it's hard when it's thrown into the uncertainty pot with everything else.

I'm not asking who's right....it doesn't matter, it is what it is. I guess I'm just speaking some thoughts out loud. I had a chiro appt this morning, and he had a no call no show before me. So he was just chatty, and brought that up, then how he handles it, and then went on to talk about cancelations. That he lets go of "repeat offenders" eventually. That he doesn't cancel without 24 hours notice, ever. (well, hasn't yet, but there would be exceptions of course!) I mentioned to him, because I trust him and have known him a long time, that I'm in therapy, and since the beginning of the year have been dealing with a schedule that hangs in the balance. Depends on the day, so to speak. He said that's not right. Especially in mental health. I actually defended my T without telling him any details, because hey, ***t happens. But deep down I want to feel like he does.

My life has been so up in the air.... that's really why I started therapy. Now therapy is up in the air too.

I need that stability for scheduling reasons because I need to know what to make unavailable when coordinating with work related activities and travel. I also need it for more personal reasons--it helps to have something/someone to count on.

My first thought was that my therapist would never do this, unless it were a one time crisis. But it's hard to know unless it happens. I would like to think that if it became an ongoing thing, she would figure out how to stabilize things (like make your appointment at a different time so that she's not having to rush off). After all, therapists are running a business and can't afford to lose clients. I guess I would wonder if she is doing this with others or just you.

Also, I would not dig the this is life cop out. I'm not paying for my therapist's personal upheavals, and I don't think she would expect that.

Thanks for your input.... no, it's not just me. It's entire afternoons, or entire days sometimes. That's what gets irritating...when she cancels on me and I could have had something else going that day. I just set up another chiro appt... and it made me think of therapy, because he offered me a most perfect appt Thurs afternoon. Go straight from work, to his office across the street, then go home. No driving back and forth. But I couldn't take it, as I have therapy.... but I somewhat thought to myself she may end up canceling anyway, but I wasn't going to double book myself. And YES....it is helpful for me to have something/someone to count on.

She's optimistic that things may calm down after next week. I'm not.

To answer your initial question: Yes, therapy is the one sure thing that anchors me. I know that my T is there for me. He's had to cancel every once in awhile (less than me). Life is full of happenings and just about everyone has gotten sick or had to deal with something along the way. Life is messy. There are things that happen that we have no control over, no matter who we are or what our job title is.

Is your T's situation temporary or likely to be ongoing? Do you want to continue with your T if the issue is going to be long-term? If you have issues with change, will you be able to adjust to permanent change? Maybe your T is saying that this can be a way for you to learn to adapt to change. Obviously your T is aware that this situation is difficult for you. Can you continue this discussion with her?

I'm sorry this is all falling on you and that you're being asked to put her needs before yours as a good life lesson of sorts (I think that's the part that bothers me more than anything). Do you have a deadline for if things don't turn around? Because I would (but then again, I am like that). In fact, if I could swing it, I would have taken the chiro appt and cancelled therapy, except that she would see it as passive aggressive instead of the practical move it would be.

One thing about me, all my life I have been putting everyone else's needs before mine. I don't quite know how to put me first, but through therapy, I'm trying to learn. So you can imagine this is a bit confusing for me. She constantly tells me I'm not selfish enough, when I think I am being selfish for practically breathing air. Just a little insight about the kind of person I am.

I can deal with change and the uncertainties in life without much issue, but that doesn't mean I have to like them! I've been a bit more vulnerable lately, and my T is aware that this situation is making it worse. That's where I gotta learn how to "deal" better. I think I've become more vulnerable since I started therapy. Of course, that's what therapy does.

I don't know how long this will last. She thinks pretty short term, but anything's possible. It's already gone on longer than I expected it to. I know it's not likely I will be willing to start this process all over again....so at this point I think it's her or no one. I'm waiting it out, but it's not been easy.

Oh...and I may need to consider a deadline. But that seems so harsh. (not that I would tell her). I'm not one to stand up for myself. So even posting this thread made me feel a bit vulnerable... like I'd be judged for being too self absorbed or something.

My biggest issue with your T. is that she tells you so much about why she's cancelling and the issues with her daughter. Therefore, you feel you need to put her first because of what her daughter is going through. (because you're thoughtful, caring, etc.)

If she never told you about the difficulties and had to cancel, you would be feeling different. Yes, you may still be hurt that she had to cancel but it wouldn't have the added layer of being about her daughter. If she had told you that she's cancelling to go somewhere, you would have a completely different reaction.

I think it would be better if she stopped talking about her daughter and gave her clients plenty of notice to cancel. So, a little bit of planning on her part and less disclosure.

Hang in there! It's nice that you can still email her. If you keep asking about her daughter (being the sweet person you are), you will probably keep hearing about her. What if you stop asking? As hard as these little ruptures can be, they teach us a lot about ourselves, our relationships and things we need to discuss in therapy.

Musing, I totally get how you're feeling.

It's funny you mention my asking about her, because I haven't been, until my last session. And that was only after she brought her up. After things were getting worse instead of better, I just felt the need to ask about her welfare health wise...like she didn't have cancer or something. I would have asked that of anyone. And it started off with me saying "you know I don't ask questions, BUT...."

It's just an annoyance, I guess... she canceled Monday, got me in Tuesday. Canceled Thursday. Canceled next Monday. I just have a feeling something will come up and next Thursday will be canceled too. We shall see. We both agree it's really bad timing. Because therapy has been getting...well, more painful. Seems I get comfortable again, disclose, then something happens and I'm left hanging.

Yes, I have Email or text option....but I don't want to use it. As I was typing out this post, I got a text from T. I know she's trying. This whole therapy business is just so hard. I think when it gets harder and then there are interruptions often enough, it makes it hard to want to continue. That's how I'm feeling anyway. Just seems like an added stressor in my life that doesn't need to be there. Who knows. I'm going to try to "weather the storm" as she says....but I'd like some more predictability.

My T sent me a text an hour after posting the above.....she said she had put me in for Tuesday next week but forgot to tell me. I'm thankful.

ML, I haven't read the other replies yet, but something that occurs to me is that your T might be an otherwise great T, but perhaps your and her lives just don't meld right now. You have your specific needs, and she has her specific needs, and those are both clashing often. I'm not suggesting that you should stop seeing her, but maybe these clashing needs just aren't fixable. That doesn't make you an especially needy client, nor does it make her a bad T. Your timetables just don't match...like had you been her client at a different time in either of your lives, it would be a good match, but it's just not working out right now. Have you consulted with a second T about both this situation and your impression of it? My apologies if this was mentioned and I missed it...going back to read the responses.

Thanks, Kay, I completely understand your post, and agree with it.

Yeah, the timing is not good, we both mentioned that. Neither of us can help it, it's life. Mine could probably be put on hold for awhile.... nothing's changing, nothing's moving. Hers can't be. I have not consulted a second T.... and don't know that I would. I know you haven't read all the replies yet, but I said somewhere that I would venture a guess that I wouldn't be looking for another one.

Thanks for your reassurance....because you're right, think I feel needy. Really, the pot (my life) has been stirred for the first time in my 4 decades of life....and I know since I removed the top, I've needed some extra support. She is a great T. I'm sure it's possible, but I can't see myself clicking with someone else like I have with her. She "got" me from the beginning. So I do really want to try to "weather this storm." But it's sure not easy...

OK, got caught up. I totally get where you're coming from, and it sounds like you put a lot of good thought into the situation. You're doing some really difficult work and dealing with tough subject matter. And it might feel like like lately you're experiencing and expressing more needs than you're used to experiencing/expressing, but no, it doesn't make you especially needy. I think most people grappling with this kind of stuff would be feeling similarly. Props for having the ability to really hold and examine your (and your T's) situation from so many angles!

You sound like my T! LOL

Thanks....

lol, she must be incredibly intelligent and insightful and magnetic in that case!

Yes, she is! You must be too!

yeah, therapy WAS the most stable thing in my life. but now i'm leaving my psych unit and gonna be starting EMDR, i'm trying to get my therapist running again.