It's about that time again. We have almost reached 100 pages and the other thread will be closed. We can continue in 4.0 (meaning the 4th time we have started this thread). I am glad to see so many be helped by using this thread to post in everyday.

[taylor43]

Had a tough session yesturday starting to open up about my past to her. I hope she does not think im gross person. Today im just taking it easy here on pc.

[Mike_J]

Just got back from seeing my therapist. Not quite as uplifting as usual but still a good session. It was sort of odd, her office is empty, she is moving to a new location, actually closer to me, but it was a bit odd with the empty bookcase next to me, and her desk all cleared off.

[critterlady]

Had a session today. Apparently, my insurance company is conducting a clinical review of my case, to determine whether or not they're going to cover my therapy. T and I went over what questions they'll probably ask and how he should answer them. It's the first time I heard actual diagnoses (he's not big on them, but the ins co forces him to). I knew about depression, but he says I also have PTSD.

Just feels weird to have labels.

[carly011]

Having a tough couple weeks. Seems like a big cloud of depression descended on me. I have been very worried about my eating disorder assessment also :/ Just so tired of fighting to be happy

It was a busy day. I had my physical/woman exam this morning. He was very pleased with my bloodwork. I've lost 40 pounds and my cholesterol numbers have improved, my triglycerides are back to normal, lithium, thyroid, etc. fine. The exam is so anxiety making, but he is really good about taking it slow and letting me know what he is going to do before he does it; kept reminding me to breathe. I got through it.

He agrees that the lump on my breast is probably the biggest he's ever felt. He agree with me that is probably just a really large cyst, but he is going to cut to the chase and order ultrasound along with the mammogram. Then we'll decide whether something needs to be done to reduce the size or remove it as it is so large that I can feel it inside without even touching it. He actually could tell where it was without my showing him because it has started changing the shape of that breast. So the saga continues on that front.

We spent the afternoon at the pool getting sunburned, then we took my husband out for supper for an early Father's Day since our son has to work on Sunday.

Tomorrow will be quiet. Lots of laundry to do since I didn't get to it today. I see T on Monday and I'm dreading it a bit. This week's session was painful and while I know the no two sessions are alike, there's that apprehension that it will be a repeat of this week. That's a few days away. I'll put it on the back burner for a few days.

The summer is ticking away. Mostly feel so bored without going to work. You would think I would be elated by that, but it can get old really fast when you don't have much of anywhere to go. Housework gets mundane!

I need to be working on school stuff, but I can't concentrate as much when I try to do that from home. Hopefully we can get back into the building in a couple of weeks after the floors are done. Won't go everyday, but once a week will be good for me.

One of these days I am going to make up my mind to 'really' get healthy! I am so tired of stopping and starting diets and exercise programs. Why can't I just do it! I mean, how hard is it to take a 20 minute walk everyday? How hard can it be to just cut in half everything that I eat?

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

One of these days I am going to make up my mind to 'really' get healthy! I am so tired of stopping and starting diets and exercise programs. Why can't I just do it! I mean, how hard is it to take a 20 minute walk everyday? How hard can it be to just cut in half everything that I eat?

I ask myself these very same questions daily Squiggs. When you figure it out, please let me know- ok?

[Fixated]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

One of these days I am going to make up my mind to 'really' get healthy! I am so tired of stopping and starting diets and exercise programs. Why can't I just do it! I mean, how hard is it to take a 20 minute walk everyday? How hard can it be to just cut in half everything that I eat?

I guess it depends on the person, but for me (ED...food as only coping mechanism) it is really really hard. I used to say the same thing you just did, and I still do from time to time, but I'm slowly accepting that it is how I cope and all the shame tied into food and weight makes exercising a psychological war.

My point was take it easy on yourself. I find forgiving myself makes success a little closer to possible. Even though I probably only practice this maybe 40% of the time, but that beats my former 10%.

[Towanda]

Doing a little better today. Rage and anger at T about setting boundary on emails has finally burned down a little; I feel like I can breathe again. Rational mind is hovering nearby and I'm trying to hold on to it to keep this in perspective. Writing all those emails that will never get sent - pouring out the anger, bile, sarcasm, expletives - helped turn down the heat on the anger scale. So now I just have to work on some feelings of resentment, lose of an important means of contact and residual smart-a*s*s feelings of tit-for-tat as in "Well, guess what, you took away email, maybe I won't come back anymore either, how do you like that, huh???" Nyah, nyah... Yeah, I know, childish. That's the mood I'm in.....just sitting here at computer hoping eventually rational self will return

[Nightlight]

I booked my next appointment for a fortnight ahead instead of a week. I decided that I was struggling too much to afford weekly appointments. I'm going to look for a part time job, so hopefully I change back to weekly soon. Still, it feels like the beginning of the end. It hurt. I rely on the support so much. I need T and next week I'll have no one. I cried so much after the end of my appointment. There can't be any more tears left in me, surely. Even though this was my attempt to be in control of the situation, even though it was my choice...I feel like I'm on my own and have no one. I don't know how to be okay, knowing I really need the help, knowing T is here and not away, and not being able to see her.

[WePow]

saw T today
for the first time since going to therapy I ended up dissociating after session and was unable to leave the bathroom. The protector part of me wrote a dumb email after we got back and asked T for another session this week. I didn't see it until after lunch. I wrote back and said not to mind since we will be ok and that part is too motherly anyway. some serious anger right now but no direction out. I want to tell everyone in my life to shut the F up and just vanish. Right now I seriously hate that T and everyone alive including myself most of all. Who cares anyway. Not me. Not any longer. Won't do anything to harm self since humans look down on that and think it is selfish. So will just drink. I might be expected to stay alive but I will not do it any longer sober.

[carly011]

Life sucks. I hate this life. Why am i even here if i cant be happy? UGHHHHHHH
I am really struggling today. And its only going to get worse cause tomorrow i have my ED follow-up to get a treatment plan, then Thursday i am going to a Needs Assessment to see if i need IP care.....(my T is making me go to both. Otherwise it would be the hospital for me :/)

How do you keep up the motivation to live when all you want to do is give up?

[WePow]

thanks much for the hugs. My mom fell today and landed flat on her back and hit her head hard. She is too poor to go to the doctor a lot and would not go today. I am states away and cant make her go. She did promise to go if she had symptoms of trouble.
I asked my T for another session so I see him tommorow. I feel so so so sick right now inside.

I thinK I am too ill to ever get well and I hope my therapist agrees with me.

[Nightlight]

Thanks just some girl. You're so good at letting those who need it know that you've heard what they are saying. I feel so, so low right now, and just wanted to say...thanks for noticing and hearing me. It really helped.

Insomnia is for the birds! Need I say more?

Yesterday was supposed to be my mammogram and ultrasound to figure out for sure what this lump is. At the last minute, the hospital called and had to reschedule me, so it will be July 5 before the diagnostics happen. While I am pretty sure this is benign, there is still an anxiety about this and much reflection on both of my sisters' fights with breast cancer a few years ago. My husband is more anxious than I am which isn't particularly helpful because I feel the responsibility to keep him calm. So anyway, I'm a bit bummed about not getting that over with yesterday. It just extends the underlying anxiety a few more weeks.

[gary290]

Farmergirl - I can't imagine the anxiety this places on you. You would think the staff at the hospital would be more cautious of this sort of thing. I wish you well...Gary

Originally Posted by Nightlight

Thanks just some girl. You're so good at letting those who need it know that you've heard what they are saying. I feel so, so low right now, and just wanted to say...thanks for noticing and hearing me. It really helped.

Aw! ((((Nightlight))))
I hope you can afford to go back to weekly sessions soon. I understand you must be feeling low, I know sometimes even a week feels too long when life outside of therapy isn't going so well. I'll hear you any time, please feel free to PM me, honestly.

Just had a session tonight... couldn't say half what was going through my head but stuck to surface level stuff.. then I sent this email to my T....

T,

I know I sounded angry... I'm not...I'm hurting and in pain... when you said I didn't seem to want to come...it was so far from the truth... but i can't ever tell you what is going on inside my head... I tried to say just a tiny bit of it when we were talking about have honest and transparent relationships and friendships... I told you I don't know why anyone would want me to be their friend except if I could do something for them...

I hate me. You trying to make light of my sharing that I truely don't know why anyone would want to be my friend does not change how I feel. If anyone truely knew me they would realize that I'm a worthless piece of ****..

I just want to stop the pain... I just want to disappear... Unfortunately no amount of food ...no matter how much I eat makes the pain disappear... the only good thing about it now is that I have disappeared to outsiders in that they no longer see me I'm just the fat lady..... now all I have to figure out is how to disappear from me....how to make the pain go away... RTS

I hate all of this

[carly011]

I dont know why i am struggling so much lately. I was officially diagnosed with anorexia--purging type. But i still feel like a fake, like i dont really have an eating disorder or whatever. I feel like a loser. I hate myself so much. I feel like i will never get better. I honestly just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up.

Today was a really good day. Played with grandchildren in the sprinker outside. (Actually I sat on the porch and watched!). Let them basically scatter toys and tents all around the house! After 4-5 hours of that, it was time to take them home. I can only take so much excitement.

ps...I love my grandchildren

[WePow]

We just came home and found a voice message letting us know that a very long time friend passed away earlier today. The week has been very interesting on many levels. This morning we awoke with an understanding that it is acceptable at times to retreat within the self in order to allow time for recharge and repair. At this time, it is almost the sensation of observing ourselves from the third person. There is also a narration of sorts as though we are only a character in the novel someone else is writing. We wonder what they will write to finish things off for the vacation.