Friday finally came

(( to all of you )) who responded to my 'wish my session ws today' post! Your support means so much to me!

Friday finally came! It was a nice sesson. She had a cold but still showed up! My last T cancelled for a month straight, each time the morning of the session...

I love how accepting she is. It's like she soaks up the things that weigh heavily on me. It's nice to be able to shed burdens, lighten the load, by just sharing them with her. Having her listen, with interest, and validate and explore things further feels like caring to me and I don't want the session to end.

We talked a lot about how I called and left a message on the answering machine but didn't call the 'emergency' number. That I just wanted to talk to her for a minute, to feel grounded and to calm down. It wasn't until after, on the long bus ride home (yes, I'm whining.. lol.. takes me 3 hours to get home.. but it is good thinking time as long as there are no loud obnoxious peeps on the bus.. when there are, then it seems like 5 hours!).. anyway, on the ride home I was thinking more about it and I realized that it is the separation that causes me to 'fall apart'. It's just separation. I thought of the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron's writings/teachings I like to read and how she encourages looking right at something and not avoiding it. So when I was looking right at the falling apart, how it starts, what I feel.. I realized that it's separation .. and all that goes with it--loneliness, fear of loneliness, wanting to be taken care of (in spite of the fact that when I have that thought.. I actually am in the midst of taking care of myself! lol), afraid of loss including abandonment, etc. So many layers to the onion, huh?

Pema Chodron also talks about celebrating impermanence; that's a new one for me...I strive to clutch on and hold on for dear life. What a struggle Wednseday was for me and I thought, yeah...there ya go...let's celebrate that every day is not like that, hooray for impermanence!

I will call her emergency number next time. That's just my decision, not anything we specifically discussed and/or agreed on. I just see an acceptance there and she told me before that if it were to become too frequent, then it can be talked about. What we talked about regarding calling the emergency number was my feeling undeserving of reaching out, and my fears of saying or doing the wrong thing(s), being boring, being inarticulate, and that she'd ditch me. So then of course we talked about abandonment, the last T, and other abandonment stuff, including a previous T's abandonment which was part of a dream we'd been analyzing. A few years ago this T that I had been seeing for a couple of years suddenly was "no longer with the agency" . He'd been arrested for having a relationship with his client. I showed up for my scheduled appointment and they said "Oh, he's no longer here." They had to repeat it several times.. I guess I was hearing it, but I was in such shock! "We assigned you to Charlie. Didn't you get our letter?" Uh, no.. does it appear that I did?! And, btw, who the F is Charlie?! To make matters worse when I was not seeming to comprehend what he was saying, and knowing I am hard of hearing, the guy behind the sliding window cupped is hands over his mouth and shouted it the last time and I was so emabarrassed!!

Anyway, it's fun and interesting the associations that we make and I like how she ties things together.

Oh.. and.. she said she thinks I articulate very well and likes my associations!!

I told her about my fantasy of going in there and just laying on the couch and sleeping (smiling to myself as I'm typing). She let that sit a minute, smiling warmly, encouragingly.. then asked the question I knew was coming: "And how would that feel to you?". see the above..lol.. it would feel not lonely, taken care of, etc. She said "It would be like when mother and child are one". ... sigh.. yeah... God I love her.

I took my new book, "Understanding the Borderline Mother" and she was excited. She's heard of it and wanted to get it. She said we'll talk about the book next time. I'm hoping she will get a copy and we'll talk a lot about it. If not, it's a really helpful book for me; there is so much there I can relate to.

Didn't want the session to end, of course, but am feeling good and looking forward to next week. Just knowing she's there, in person and by phone if necessary, is such comfort!

Oh Echoes I am so happy for you. Your T sounds wonderful. I have to smile at the thought of sleeping on your t's couch. I told my T a few weeks ago that the week before i had been so tired that I wondered if anyone ever fell asleep in therapy. He said that if I felt that way I should just lay down and take a nap. I laughed and said that felt ridiculous. he asked why, and said I shouldn't feel like I have to show up and perform, that if he felt that way in HIS T's office he would just go to sleep! Today I told my sister this story and she said she actually did fall asleep once in her T's office. She felt so good and warm and taken care of there, similar to what you had mentioned you felt.

Reaching out is so hard. I shold have this weekend but couldn't bring myself to. Maybe next time I will.

I am happy for you Echoes. You are doing well and learning much. You too are a sponge.... You are doing great! Whoohooo.

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She said "It would be like when mother and child are one". ... sigh.. yeah... God I love her.

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That's beautiful.

Glad you are feeling good, Echoes.

((( SecretGarden )))

Thank you so much!

It is beautiful, isn't it?! Thank you pinksoil.

How did your session go? I hope it went really well!

ECHOES

thanks sister..I think she's pretty wonderful.

I might have to take the T up on that offer he made to you!

What's going on that you should have called?

((sister))

((((((((ECHOES))))))))))

Now if that isn't the most awesome thing ever to hear!

I'm very happy for you

(( Christina ))

Thank you so much for your sweet reply. It was a really awesome experience and she is very special to me.

ECHOES

Echoes - So happy for you that you had a great session with your T. I have to tell you that I'm so impressed you were able to actually tell your T about your wish to just take a nap on her couch. I would never be able to admit something like that to my T. I get such a nice warm feeling in her office but I hate to have people stare at me so I'd never be able to relax enough to actually fall asleep with my T in the room. Even though I love my sessions I'm usually very anxious/fidgety during them, so I'm really impressed with how you can express yourself.

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ECHOES said:

I told her about my fantasy of going in there and just laying on the couch and sleeping (smiling to myself as I'm typing). She let that sit a minute, smiling warmly, encouragingly.. then asked the question I knew was coming: "And how would that feel to you?". see the above..lol.. it would feel not lonely, taken care of, etc. She said "It would be like when mother and child are one". ... sigh.. yeah... God I love her.


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I have this same fantasy, I wonder what my T would say if I said this to him...I love your T, she sounds very sweet. I'm sorry you had trouble with other T's...

oh man I have that fantasy too!! LOL

That's so sweet (((((((((((( ECHOES ))))))))))) ~ your T does sound wonderful!

marie,

Go ahead and tell your T!

i couldn't always but have learned a lot from other people. I know that everything and anything is important and it's important to allow the associations.. that is to say it when I think it so show how my mind is associating things. That helps her understand how I think and it helps the analysis to see what connections my mind makes. It's so interesting and so worth the risk when I can do it. I Even though I know this I often preface it by saying "I'm embarrassed to admit this, but...." or something similar.

can't always and have told her that I censure myself and we talked about the why's of that.. the fears.

I'm often very uncomfortable doing it. For a lot of the session I avoid eye contact, study the floor. I have counted numerously the number of slats that have fallen off the vertical blind and have come to rest behind her desk. lol. But mostly my eyes are just darting around, avoiding landing anywhere, seemingly like my thoughts.

I am calmer by the end of the session but in the beginning, as I sit with my legs crossed, i am swinging that one leg like crazy. lol. it slows and I relax as we talk.

Who knows, maybe someday I will just go in there and nap!

ECHOES.

mouse

maybe we should have a thread where we all tell our T's about that fantasy and see how it goes?!

....

Fuzzy,
Thanks, she is a gem!!

This is interesting. I have never had that fantasy. I thought about it after reading this thread, but decided that it would be 'wasting' time to take a nap in T's room. I have actually had a fantasy in which we engage in a deep discussion about poets, novelists, existentialism, and psychoanalysis. Like a real 50/50 discussion, without the focus on me. There is usually coffee involved, lol.

Actually, last Tuesday when I went to see T and I had that crazy somatic reaction and felt horrible, I just leaned back in the chair and kept my eyes closed a lot of the time. Even when he asked a question, I answered it with my eyes closed.

Echoes,
to answer your question,
I was filled with massive anxiety all weekend, thinking about SI and feeling generally unstable. I am processing a lot in an out of therapy and I guess i just got overwhelmed. Feelngs get stuck and I can't reach them. I feel better now though and will see T tomorrow. Thanks for asking. It's so hard for me to call between sessions. I have done it a couple of times but not recently. I once brought this up in session and he gave me his cell and home numbers and said that if it was something that we should discuss in sesssion then he would let me know, but I still find it diffiicult. That's me.