Is it Friday yet?

Ok, I can't take it anymore. I haven't seen T since the Friday before last. Too attached. I'm seeing him this Friday.

I had to call him once. Last week. And then I figured it all out: I am sabotaging myself for two reasons.

1. I don't want to get better, because when I do, there are many more expectations. School, work, money, the new house, my husband, etc.
2. I don't want to get better because better=termination.

So I am unconsciously sabatoging myself. I have money to pay my bills. So I don't pay them. Then they are all late, the fees and payments go up, and things get messed up. Sometimes I SI even when I don't really feel like SI'ing. I just do it because if I don't... well that means maybe I'm getting better. It becomes very mechanical. These are just 2 of the many examples of things I do to f*** myself over.

I've been having these awful episodes of agitation. I had one the other day that reached its peak point in Target when I was shopping for stuff for the new house. I was so agitated I felt sick. I was sweating, but it wasn't a panic attack. My thoughts were racing with obsessive, catastrophic stuff. I end up pinching my arm really hard to try to bring myself out of this disgusting, agitated state. My left arm is purple. If it happens at home, I do worse than pinching.

Today I have no focus at work. I am excited about the new house at some moments. At other moments I say, what's the point, I don't even feeling like being here anymore. F*** the house.

I have waited 11 days to see T. Now it's down to the last 3. But it's getting harder and harder. What do I need him for anyway? Some crappy attachment which ends up piling on more painful, uncomfortable feelings?

Wonderful, now I'm f***'ing whining and complaining.

Hello PS.
I am glad to hear that you are seeing the real truth behind some of your behavior. It helps to work on somehting you know is real instead of imagined or denied. I hope things get better for you soon and your therapist can help you to set the boundaries you need to be healthy and progress in the future. Perhaps this is something you need to discuss with the therapist. Take care and good day.. Soidhonia

Pinksoil, congrats on the house. It is one of the most stressful times in life so go easy on yourself there.

It is good that you can be honest with yourself like you are. Friday will come sooner than you think.

((((pinksoil))))

Sounds like you are under more stress than usual and it is manifesting in unhealthy ways--SI, agitation. For some of these destructive symptoms, I have found CBT methods can really help. Even though I am not a CBT fan for my therapy experience, the techniques can help me when I devolve into destructive behavior (for me it is anxiety/depression). With those symptoms under control I can then work on getting at the root in depth-oriented therapy and really solving the problems. I don't know if this approach would work for you, but thought I'd throw it out there. Maybe you could ask your T next time for some assistance with coping strategies when you are so stressed?

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What do I need him for anyway?

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Good question and one I know a lot of us ask. For me, I've decided I need my T so much because it is one hour a week that I spend with someone who is nice to me. Life is hard right now, and to be able to go to someone's office and have this person be empathetic and warm and caring is just what I need. It's like an oasis in the desert, or the calm in the storm. Our "relationship" is helping offset the negatives in my life right now. I've stopped being worried about the attachment and viewing it as a negative thing. I now view it as a positive thing. Because isn't it amazing that despite all the crap in my life (not trying to be whining), I still can put forth the effort and energy to attach so strongly to someone? That's what I need him for. He has allowed me to see I still care enough to attach, that I still can do this, that I'm not unreachable.

Hang in there, pinksoil. Only a few more days. Call your T again if you need to. It's OK. He knows.

Pinksoil!!!!!

I'm so sorry to hear what a rotten week you've had. Buying a house sounds super-stressful. It's no wonder you're anxious. If for no other reason, you need the therapist to talk about the whole buying anxiety! But you need him to help you with all the anxiety and everything. And don't fret about getting better and terminating. You don't have to terminate as long as it's helpful! I may never terminate. :-) Even if I get insanely healthy and become the living picture of therapeutic benefits (<- unlikely).

I whine too, even in therapy. Don't worry about it. Please don't hurt yourself!!! Just come on here and talk to us instead. And it won't be much longer before you can talk to the therapist again. I'll help you count down the days....

Sidony

It's Friday, pinksoil! How is your T? How are you?

Thanks Sunrise-- I've been feeling better the last couple of days. Not so much agitation.

Well, it's 3:25.... I see my T in an hour and a half!!!! I leave work at 4:00... The thought of focusing on anything work-related right now is not even remotely feasible. I have all this stuff jammed in my pocketbook from over the last 2 weeks-- dreams I typed out, journal notes I've jotted down, notebook paper filled with revelations I've had, haha. Got a snazzy outfit on, lots to talk about, I'm all ready, lol.

**Session Preview**
T: So, what would you like to talk about?
Me: Um. Well. Um. I don't know. Nothing really happened this week, so.... What should we talk about? Um, I brought some stuff I wrote down.....
T: Are you going to read it?
Me: No way.

ETA: It's now 3:50. And like the complete loser than I am, I'm sitting in my office with my door closed, reapplying my makeup. For what??? Did I even spend this much time getting ready when my husband and I were dating?? LOL

I'm sure you'll do just fine Pinksoil...you're funny