[rainbow8]

I haven't looked for more than a year because I know it triggers me. There are only a handful of photos but what bothers me when she changes her profile picture she gets over 50 comments on how beautiful she is. I agree, but it still bothers me. Maybe other comments on other subjects are hidden, and she did tell me she doesn't go on FB much. I don't know if I'm jealous or what. I think it could be because she doesn't seem to be vain, but posts a picture like that. She wrote that she was thinking of using that photo for her website which hasn't happened yet. If I were male, I'd be afraid to see a T who looked so striking. She doesn't usually wear makeup at work.

I wish I hadn't looked!!! I didn't think before I clicked. I was looking at someone who wanted to be my friend, and I don't know who it is. Then, I typed in T's name. Once I did tell her about seeing her FB photo. Idk. She will take one look at me and see guilt written all over me! She knows me too well. She won't be angry, will just tell me I know that it hurts me to look.

[Gavinandnikki]

[QUOTE=rainbow8;4345585]I haven't looked for more than a year because I know it triggers me. There are only a handful of photos but what bothers me when she changes her profile picture she gets over 50 comments on how beautiful she is. I agree, but it still bothers me. Maybe other comments on other subjects are hidden, and she did tell me she doesn't go on FB much. I don't know if I'm jealous or what. I think it could be because she doesn't seem to be vain, but posts a picture like that. She wrote that she was thinking of using that photo for her website which hasn't happened yet. If I were male, I'd be afraid to see a T who looked so striking. She doesn't usually wear makeup at work.

I wish I hadn't looked!!! I didn't think before I clicked. I was looking at someone who wanted to be my friend, and I don't know who it is. Then, I typed in T's name. Once I did tell her about seeing her FB photo. Idk. She will take one look at me and see guilt written all over me! She knows me too well. She won't be angry, will just tell me I know that it hurts me to look.[/QUOTE

Spur of the moment regression into past behaviors that you have grown from.

No biggie. Let it go, stay where you are now in therapy- which is SO much better than where you've been before.

[Wren_]

maybe just old habits flaring up or a need to check with her since things have been going well lately? i like the suggestion above to let it go if you can and focus on how far you've come instead

I do wonder why your T continues to have it so her facebook is set to public when she knows clients including you look and get upset by it ... not that she needs to change it, just wondered about it

I wondered the same thing, tigergirl. I looked up my T's FB profile once right after I started seeing her, rainbow, then I felt guilty!

One day Rainbow you will learn not to touch the hot stove. Let your therapist know how you were affected by looking this time (IMO it did not affect you negatively), it might move you along more in your journey. For me, it was a no-no to look or touch any of mom's things because I was to little, I might break it rip it what ever. When all I was was curious.

Take care.

[rainbow8]

[QUOTE=Gavinandnikki;4345636]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I haven't looked for more than a year because I know it triggers me. There are only a handful of photos but what bothers me when she changes her profile picture she gets over 50 comments on how beautiful she is. I agree, but it still bothers me. Maybe other comments on other subjects are hidden, and she did tell me she doesn't go on FB much. I don't know if I'm jealous or what. I think it could be because she doesn't seem to be vain, but posts a picture like that. She wrote that she was thinking of using that photo for her website which hasn't happened yet. If I were male, I'd be afraid to see a T who looked so striking. She doesn't usually wear makeup at work.

I wish I hadn't looked!!! I didn't think before I clicked. I was looking at someone who wanted to be my friend, and I don't know who it is. Then, I typed in T's name. Once I did tell her about seeing her FB photo. Idk. She will take one look at me and see guilt written all over me! She knows me too well. She won't be angry, will just tell me I know that it hurts me to look.[/QUOTE

Spur of the moment regression into past behaviors that you have grown from.

No biggie. Let it go, stay where you are now in therapy- which is SO much better than where you've been before.

It's scary how quickly I can get off track. Thanks, gavinandnikki. I could probably do SE with my feelings about it next week if they don't go away. I don't think my reaction is as severe as in the past but I still think I will cry when I'm trying to fall asleep tonight.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

maybe just old habits flaring up or a need to check with her since things have been going well lately? i like the suggestion above to let it go if you can and focus on how far you've come instead

I do wonder why your T continues to have it so her facebook is set to public when she knows clients including you look and get upset by it ... not that she needs to change it, just wondered about it

Thanks, tigergirl. I was curious. In the past, she told me she thought she did have FB private. I'm sure there is a lot more that is private. There are just a handful of photos but you can see the comments by others with their names.

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

I wondered the same thing, tigergirl. I looked up my T's FB profile once right after I started seeing her, rainbow, then I felt guilty!

Thank you. How did you stop yourself from looking again? I don't feel guilty because my T knows I used to look, but it upsets me.

Originally Posted by therapyworked4me

One day Rainbow you will learn not to touch the hot stove. Let your therapist know how you were affected by looking this time (IMO it did not affect you negatively), it might move you along more in your journey. For me, it was a no-no to look or touch any of mom's things because I was to little, I might break it rip it what ever. When all I was was curious.

Take care.

Thank you. I don't know if telling her will help. I'll post here instead and maybe get it out of my system. I might tell her or I might not.

I want to say: "T, it makes me think we're strangers when I see you posting those glamorous photos on FB. Like you are doing it to get compliments. Maybe you are. I know the feeling! It seems so unlike you, though. I also don't understand why so many people comment on how beautiful and happy you look. No one comments on MY profile picture. I don't even like FB and I know you only go on about twice a year. It's none of my business anyway.
I AM happy with our relationship and with my progress. I don't know why I wanted to screw it up by looking at your FB page. I know you don't have to explain yourself either. But if you do use that photo for your webpage, I don't know. It looks too seductive. You're not that way. You're down-to-Earth and casual. I think those photos will be great for dating sites! "

I feel better getting that out!

You CAN'T screw it up!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by therapyworked4me

You CAN'T screw it up!

What do you mean? Please explain!

Your going back to look at her FB doesn't mean you screwed it up. That is normal behavior! Even your head conversation, about putting the pics on her website is normal. You are involved in a relationship like no other. You can decide to have that conversation (I don't like secrets), or not. But, if you tell her, is that adult to adult telling her, or is that the little rainbow who wants to keep her to herself? Also, you don't have to tell her how you feel about the photos, unless she ask, but IMO you owe it to her to let her know you peeked, perused or whatever, and not leave an important part of your therapy to just be debated on this forum. You've come to far. My opinion only.

I'm pretty sure that profile pics are always public (along with the comments), even if status updates are set to private, so she may not even know. Whatever you do about telling her you visited her page (I personally don't think it matters), I do agree that you might want to keep your review of her photo to yourself. I don't know anyone who would want that kind of feedback.

There is a way to slow down this impulse. Block her name in your settings. You won't even be able to search her name; nothing will pull up. That will give you a few moments to think it through, and it takes a few steps to go back into your settings and unblock a person. It isn't completely fool-proof; you could decide to unblock her. But it wouldn't be an impulsive move at that point.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by therapyworked4me

Your going back to look at her FB doesn't mean you screwed it up. That is normal behavior! Even your head conversation, about putting the pics on her website is normal. You are involved in a relationship like no other. You can decide to have that conversation (I don't like secrets), or not. But, if you tell her, is that adult to adult telling her, or is that the little rainbow who wants to keep her to herself? Also, you don't have to tell her how you feel about the photos, unless she ask, but IMO you owe it to her to let her know you peeked, perused or whatever, and not leave an important part of your therapy to just be debated on this forum. You've come to far. My opinion only.

Thanks again, therapyworked4me. You gave me lots of good advice. Yeah, child parts don't want T to be so attractive and so popular, though adult me feels honored that she's my T. I think it's a case of cognitive dissonance. My perception of her doesn't match her posting these photos. It's confusing to me. I suppose it's because I can't know all about her but she's been open, not a mystery. Adult and child stuff! How I feel about her photos may be relevant to my therapy though I don't want it be.

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I'm pretty sure that profile pics are always public (along with the comments), even if status updates are set to private, so she may not even know. Whatever you do about telling her you visited her page (I personally don't think it matters), I do agree that you might want to keep your review of her photo to yourself. I don't know anyone who would want that kind of feedback.

You're right except my reaction is about me. She would say "grist for the mill" but I don't want to criticize her. I did that once and spent about a year apologizing. Idk. It's not about her. That's progress, anyway. It's wanting to be like her but also not understanding.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

There is a way to slow down this impulse. Block her name in your settings. You won't even be able to search her name; nothing will pull up. That will give you a few moments to think it through, and it takes a few steps to go back into your settings and unblock a person. It isn't completely fool-proof; you could decide to unblock her. But it wouldn't be an impulsive move at that point.

That's practical and smart only I don't think I can do it. It feels like I'm punishing myself though that's not the case. I have to figure out WHY I wanted to look other than curiosity. I don't know. Hopefully, I won't want to look again for a long time, or maybe I'll discuss it with her again. I do know she's not my friend and has her own life besides work. If I still have this urge, I need to work on it with her. Sigh.

[ragsnfeathers]

With my ex T I went through a period of obsessively googling her. I made and managed to keep a rigid rule to not go into personal things like Facebook, but I had the deterrent that she was visibly uncomfortable when she first found out that I found a few professional blogs of hers, in an area of her work that didn't involve my issues. When I found myself missing her I googled her to see what I could learn about her professionally at least. Spent lots of time doing that. New T is very open but I still do this with him sometimes.

It takes courage to tell the T but you did, are working on figuring out what this says about your needs and changing a behavior you feel is harmful to yourself. If changed happened overnight therapists would be a lot poorer. Maybe a productive topic to discuss with your T would be, once you figure out what's behind this need, is what kinds of things would meet the same need in ways that are better for you.

I agree that therapy is different. Bringing your uncensored reactions to T is about you, not her.

Well, back to sleep for me. I hope you get sleep too. Night.

I think you might want to examine why you are making those assumptions about why she changed her photo. "In order to get compliments" is not an explanation I would have come up with, ever - to me that sounds exceedingly unlikely. And you don't know how many friends she has on Facebook or how active she is; if you seldom post to FB, very few people are going to see your posts when you do post, because of the way Facebook works. Your photo won't appear in your friends' newsfeeds if they have many friends and you are not very active. Facebook only shows some posts to other people. But if your T posts often and has many friends she interacts with, 50 comments is not that many.

[Hexagram]

Originally Posted by therapyworked4me

You are involved in a relationship like no other.

Nice one.

[wheeler]

I wonder if you accepted that you like to look at her picture on FB, would you feel better, and maybe even at some point find you don't need to look as often?

I just throw that out there because I think this way of looking at it is helping me. When I finally revealed to my T that I had googled her and looked at her FB page she was very accepting of it. She told me it was natural for me to be curious.

She has also said that I can ask her anything, including personal things about her. This has helped me tremendously and I feel very close to her. After a few years Of talking about it we are now FB friends. This has not been easy, but I think it's been helpful. I still have jealous feelings towards her and her friends and family, but usually once we talk about it I feel much better.

I am justly now learning that accepting how i feel is making things much easier for me. I'm assuming a lot of my crap has to,do with shame, including looking at FB, but my T's acceptance, and my own acceptance seems to be making a big difference.

[Soccer mom]

Perhaps you are worried that more people will like her because of her FB photo? Just a stab in the dark.

FB keeps suggesting I be friends with my T. So, she knows her picture has come up. But, she's locked up tight and I can't see a thing which makes it easier.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ragsnfeathers

With my ex T I went through a period of obsessively googling her. I made and managed to keep a rigid rule to not go into personal things like Facebook, but I had the deterrent that she was visibly uncomfortable when she first found out that I found a few professional blogs of hers, in an area of her work that didn't involve my issues. When I found myself missing her I googled her to see what I could learn about her professionally at least. Spent lots of time doing that. New T is very open but I still do this with him sometimes.

It takes courage to tell the T but you did, are working on figuring out what this says about your needs and changing a behavior you feel is harmful to yourself. If changed happened overnight therapists would be a lot poorer. Maybe a productive topic to discuss with your T would be, once you figure out what's behind this need, is what kinds of things would meet the same need in ways that are better for you.

I agree that therapy is different. Bringing your uncensored reactions to T is about you, not her.

Well, back to sleep for me. I hope you get sleep too. Night.

Thanks, rags.Those are good ideas. Thanks for sharing!

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I think you might want to examine why you are making those assumptions about why she changed her photo. "In order to get compliments" is not an explanation I would have come up with, ever - to me that sounds exceedingly unlikely. And you don't know how many friends she has on Facebook or how active she is; if you seldom post to FB, very few people are going to see your posts when you do post, because of the way Facebook works. Your photo won't appear in your friends' newsfeeds if they have many friends and you are not very active. Facebook only shows some posts to other people. But if your T posts often and has many friends she interacts with, 50 comments is not that many.

Thank you. T told me she doesn't go on FB often. I made a mistake. I meant 50 likes and maybe 20 comments. I guess I'm jealous. Hardly anyone likes my photos on FB. Maybe I should try posting a really good one of me, changing my profile picture, and see what happens. But if I did that, I WOULD be fishing for compliments so it's not worth it. FB to me is a popularity contest and I always lost those. I have my friends in RL. I really don't like FB!

Originally Posted by wheeler

I wonder if you accepted that you like to look at her picture on FB, would you feel better, and maybe even at some point find you don't need to look as often?

I just throw that out there because I think this way of looking at it is helping me. When I finally revealed to my T that I had googled her and looked at her FB page she was very accepting of it. She told me it was natural for me to be curious.

She has also said that I can ask her anything, including personal things about her. This has helped me tremendously and I feel very close to her. After a few years Of talking about it we are now FB friends. This has not been easy, but I think it's been helpful. I still have jealous feelings towards her and her friends and family, but usually once we talk about it I feel much better.

I am justly now learning that accepting how i feel is making things much easier for me. I'm assuming a lot of my crap has to,do with shame, including looking at FB, but my T's acceptance, and my own acceptance seems to be making a big difference.

wheeler, I like the way you and your T deal with it. My T and I have talked about in the past. I think that's the route I want to take again. My T also will answer personal questions. I'm always honest with her so I will be now. As long as don't criticize her and just be curious about my feelings I think it will be fine. I feel relieved by your post. Thanks very much!

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Perhaps you are worried that more people will like her because of her FB photo? Just a stab in the dark.

FB keeps suggesting I be friends with my T. So, she knows her picture has come up. But, she's locked up tight and I can't see a thing which makes it easier.

I'm glad I can see, and am not glad--both. I know I'm jealous but it's also that I see a different side of her, and I'm not sure I like it!

[Petra5ed]

See and I look at my therapists pic all the time, but I have zero guilt. I am like a total creeper, but an open admitted creeper. Looking at his pic calms me, the way I figure it, it's all part of the therapeutic benefit I pay for.

you haven't screwed it up. i'm pretty sure I spent around 2 hours stalking my T online, trying to find her linkedin, facebook, twitter, address (not for bad purposes, just out of curiosity)...

[laxer12]

you haven't screwed it up. i'm pretty sure I spent around 2 hours stalking my T online, trying to find her linkedin, facebook, twitter, address (not for bad purposes, just out of curiosity)...

I'm glad I'm not the only one!

[rainbow8]

I want to add that I've had a good week, and didn't obsess about my T and FB. I just sent her a long email because I had a lot to tell her, including a scheduling issue. I included looking at her FB page and wrote that I want to talk about popularity, validation, and my jealousy, and that I hope it's okay to discuss again. We talked a little about it over a year ago when I looked her up.. I'm in a better place now! I don't think I will have the urge to keep looking. What I have is better. I have T in person to have a relationship, not just a photo to admire!

[rainbow8]

I got an email back from my T. She commented on some good experiences I wrote about, and said we'd talk about everything else when I see her. That includes Facebook. She still signed it "Love T".