Yesterday was the hardest session I have ever had. I have been trying to process what happened and why I feel so damn bad about all of this.
I was telling my t about chatting with my tutors( her colleagues). She asked what was said and I couldn't tell her because it was too embarrassing. I wrote a thread last week about having to leave my t because my tutors suggested it. Well as I was chatting to them one of them said she thought my feelings were deeper than attachment. I am not quite sure what they are. I am fond of t and attached but would never use the word love. Well this is what word the tutor used.
As I was telling t about it as soon as it got to the difficult part about my feelings for her I shut down. I couldn't talk and my head went down in shame. T said she didn't think it was fair that I started talking about this and then woukdnt tell her what was said. She asked was it something to do with my sexuality. I nodded she then thought that I had feelings for someone on the course with me. I shook my head. I said it was about her. At this point t went bright red. She asked if I had feelings for her. I couldn't even look at her, I was that embarrassed..
She repeated the question. I still couldn't answer so she shouted "Mona, do you have feelings for me?"
It really frightened me that she shouted. We went over time and she asked if I needed support and I nodded she then said "well how can I support you if you won't tell me?"
She asked if I wanted to hear her feeling about me! I nodded.
" I am heterosexual and in a relationship, I like working with you" . T was so shocked because she didn't know what to say and at the end of the session she said "eels we are both still alive.
I am really confused about her reaction, her shouting at me and insisting she is a heterosexual.

[boredporcupine]

Do I need to point out that "I am a heterosexual" isn't a feeling?

Sorry I haven't kept up with your story. But if your T is still helpful to you, who cares if you have sexual feelings for her? Or love her? Who are these tutors of yours, the love police?! Maybe I'm in a bad mood today but I just feel like punching them in the face, I mean, telling them how wrong and full of themselves they are.

[unaluna]

Mona i am afraid you have hanksters syndrome - like me, you fall in love with many - not all! - of our ts! It took me a long time to find one who could withstand the storm and just bend but not break until my personal hurricane blew itself out and i could rebuild, starting with an elementary infrastructure of just taking care of myself in the simplest ways, at the base of maslow's pyramid of needs.

[JustShakey]

Honestly I don't like her reaction much Mona... Like I said in your previous thread I think your tutors might be onto something...
Having said that I'm not so sure how I feel about your program either. From what little I know it seems like too much of a closed system.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

What does her heterosexuality have to do with eff all? Sheesh.

[Virginia1991]

That is a horrible response. Maybe she was surprised and caught off guard. One does not need to be told "I am a heterosexual and in a relationship". She should have seen "your shame". I am going to tell you what my t said.....maybe it will make you feel better---

"This is not an abnormal thing to happen in therapy. It shows that our therapeutic relationship is good. It is going to be ok. It is ok for you to say your feelings. Feeling this way is understandable given your childhood. It is to be expected. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok (repeated like 8-9 times)."

The above was not said all at once but over the course of some time dealing with erotic/maternal transference.

[Favorite Jeans]

That sounds like a hard time. I wish she'd handled your feelings with more sensitivity.

[unaluna]

Virginia: +1000!

[LindaLu]

I've never heard of a T reacting with embarrassment like that. What's her training? Where'd she come from? W.T.F. Well, NEVER MIND the important thing is YOUR feelings are normal, her reaction was not. Sexual orientation is separate from feelings, but even if one of you were gay the issues are vulnerability and love which are good to explore in therapy, not squash. I'm sorry this happened.

[Myrto]

That must have taken you a lot of courage to tell her.
But yeah, her reaction is odd, to say the least.
Erotic transference happens all the time, regardless of the patient's sexual orientation, how does she not know that? Did she think you were hitting on her or something?

She should have validated your feelings, instead of "drawing a line".
Saying "I'm heterosexual" to someone revealing their feelings for you is appropriate in real life, not in a therapy setting.

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

Do I need to point out that "I am a heterosexual" isn't a feeling?

Sorry I haven't kept up with your story. But if your T is still helpful to you, who cares if you have sexual feelings for her? Or love her? Who are these tutors of yours, the love police?! Maybe I'm in a bad mood today but I just feel like punching them in the face, I mean, telling them how wrong and full of themselves they are.

Can I join you in punching the 'Love Police' in the face?
I think that my t cares that I have feelings and this will be used an excuse to terminate me. I was surprised by her reaction and hurt by it.

Originally Posted by hankster

Mona i am afraid you have hanksters syndrome - like me, you fall in love with many - not all! - of our ts! It took me a long time to find one who could withstand the storm and just bend but not break until my personal hurricane blew itself out and i could rebuild, starting with an elementary infrastructure of just taking care of myself in the simplest ways, at the base of maslow's pyramid of needs.

I do have Hankster's syndrome and proud of it.
I have realised that this cycle will continue until I can begin to look after myself. We were deprived of love and affection as youngsters, it feels so good to have a t listen and not judge or control us.
I was hoping for a better reaction from t, but being the good Christian that t is, I guess the thought of being with another woman made her freak out.

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Honestly I don't like her reaction much Mona... Like I said in your previous thread I think your tutors might be onto something...
Having said that I'm not so sure how I feel about your program either. From what little I know it seems like too much of a closed system.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It is beginning to feel like a cult. Its called a community and everyone knows everyone and it doesn't feel safe anymore.

Originally Posted by licketysplit

What does her heterosexuality have to do with eff all? Sheesh.

AGREED. That's what hurt me the most. She knows how long I have been in the closet about this and now I just stepped back in because of her response. It really hurt me that she said the word "hetrosexual". I knew that she wasn't gay but she felt the need to defend her sexuality or to differentiate between the two and make being gay even more seperate.

Originally Posted by Virginia1991

That is a horrible response. Maybe she was surprised and caught off guard. One does not need to be told "I am a heterosexual and in a relationship". She should have seen "your shame". I am going to tell you what my t said.....maybe it will make you feel better---

"This is not an abnormal thing to happen in therapy. It shows that our therapeutic relationship is good. It is going to be ok. It is ok for you to say your feelings. Feeling this way is understandable given your childhood. It is to be expected. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok (repeated like 8-9 times)."

The above was not said all at once but over the course of some time dealing with erotic/maternal transference.

Thank you for sharing your ts response Virginia
I wish I had of experienced that from my t. She didn't see my shame because she was so invested in getting the information from me. I felt really wrong and dirty after her response and now I dont want to go back to her or my course. I wonder was there some feelings on her part because of her reaction. SHe really was only interested in my feelings towards her and she blushed for the first time and why did she need to say she was in a relationship. The pictures of her family are all over her therapy room.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

That sounds like a hard time. I wish she'd handled your feelings with more sensitivity.

So do I and thats whats her huting the most is her insensitivity.

Originally Posted by LindaLu

I've never heard of a T reacting with embarrassment like that. What's her training? Where'd she come from? W.T.F. Well, NEVER MIND the important thing is YOUR feelings are normal, her reaction was not. Sexual orientation is separate from feelings, but even if one of you were gay the issues are vulnerability and love which are good to explore in therapy, not squash. I'm sorry this happened.

She is a gestalt therapist and Gestalt is ALL about the relationship. IN Gestalt, they call transference projection. Its basically the same thing. She didn't even try explore my feelings, which might have helped separate the yearning and longing from the sexual. I am not even sure if they are sexual but that was all t was interested in, was if I fancied her.

Originally Posted by Myrto

That must haave taken you a lot of courage to tell her.
But yeah, her reaction is odd, to say the least.
Erotic transference happens all the time, regardless of the patient's sexual orientation, how does she not know that? Did she think you were hitting on her or something?

She should have validated your feelings, instead of "drawing a line".
Saying "I'm heterosexual" to someone revealing their feelings for you is appropriate in real life, not in a therapy setting.

It did take a lot of courage and I am really regretting it now. I think that perhaps she thought that we could have had a relationship if she wasn't married and had lots of kids. Well thats how an interaction goes outside of therapy. I think this was her first experience with a client expressing their undying love to her. Gestalt training doesn't really facilitate practical training in issues around love and transference.
The whole session was odd and I feel so ashamed. I can never go back to her.

[rainbow8]

Mona, you were so brave and were shamed for it!! I am very sorry that your T reacted the way she did. Since she blushed, it seems like she totally dropped her role as your T. That's unfortunate and unprofessional. She should have controlled herself and had some empathy for you. I am like you and Hankster when it comes to loving Ts. I know you know that! I wish you could find a T who accepts all of your parts. Maybe an IFS T like mine? I will add that my T reacted strongly when she thought I was reacting sexually to holding her hand. I think Ts get scared or embarrassed because they're human. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. You have some difficult decisions to make about your program.

Don't like that reaction, she sounds very insecure. I would proceed carefully if i were you.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Mona, you were so brave and were shamed for it!! I am very sorry that your T reacted the way she did. Since she blushed, it seems like she totally dropped her role as your T. That's unfortunate and unprofessional. She should have controlled herself and had some empathy for you. I am like you and Hankster when it comes to loving Ts. I know you know that! I wish you could find a T who accepts all of your parts. Maybe an IFS T like mine? I will add that my T reacted strongly when she thought I was reacting sexually to holding her hand. I think Ts get scared or embarrassed because they're human. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. You have some difficult decisions to make about your program.

I know you are like us
It's difficult to judge how any t will act but I would hope it would be in the clients best interests, unfortunately this was not the case for me. I text her and said I am never coming back and she said, try not to get too upset. Come next week and we can talk about it.

I also felt a deep love for my T. I see it as a positive thing - love is a really positive emotion, and being in touch with that emotion - having access to it seems to me to be perfectly acceptable. I think there are a lot of different ways of being in this world and being someone who has feelings of love for their T or being someone who does not have feelings of love for their T are equally acceptable. I think therapy should focus more on being a celebration of people's individuality and ways of being.

[Soccer mom]

I would go back one more time to give both of you a chance to talk. I don't like the way she handled it but maybe she would like to explain? You would definitely have a better idea after one more session.
I told my T about my MET and she handled it well. She's not a T. to really validate feelings - she doesn't want me to be dependent on validation from others which I am right now. But, she has been willing to explore their meaning and talk when I'm able.

[Asiablue]

Your T's reaction was pretty defensive and just all a bit sh-it really. BUT was it really bad enough to make you never go back to her? What about the 18months plus you've been seeing her, hasn't she met your needs in lots of other ways? Isn't the relationship you've both nurtured worth at least going back and talking it out?
I am in no way suggesting her reaction was okay, but maybe if you're frank about how she made you feel it could be a really valuable learning experience for you both. I understand how raw this all feels for you, but maybe just take some time out to feel that and let it pass a little before making big decisions about not going back.

[unaluna]

What are the gay laws where you are? Are they really that behind the rest of europe? Every time it sounds like you are the first lesbian in the history of the world. Do they think other lesbians are all reaching out to male ts? Sounds like they need a class in diversity. You might want to suggest this to them, that they always act like this is a big deal and personal, and that this is inappropriate in todays world.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I also felt a deep love for my T. I see it as a positive thing - love is a really positive emotion, and being in touch with that emotion - having access to it seems to me to be perfectly acceptable. I think there are a lot of different ways of being in this world and being someone who has feelings of love for their T or being someone who does not have feelings of love for their T are equally acceptable. I think therapy should focus more on being a celebration of people's individuality and ways of being.

This seems exactly right and thank you for sharing this Brown owl. Love is a positive emotion and in a relationship as it means I am starting to love healthy people and not the toxic people I used to love.

Do you think she already knew what your tutors had said to you and that they all concluded this was not a good relationship, or am I just too paranoid to be commenting? I don't want to make it worse.

It does seem bizarre that this would make a therapist so uncomfortable. I can't help but think how delighted stopdog's therapist would be if she felt something like this towards the woman.

Soccer mom, I don't even think she realised how bad the session was and when I was disassociation she would shout at me. I don't remember any compassion or empathy. Your t sounds more than capable of taking you through this, I wish mine understood. They don't tell you about this in t training.

Asia, you are right. There have been more positive experiences than negative with t.
I am going to go back r pne session to tell her thst she shamed me even more than i felt and she didnt need to becse i have so much shame for myself and my sexuality.

Hankster, I am not sure around the laws but I know they are trying to bring equal rights for gay marriages now.
I feel like the only lesbian in the world because they are like the snakes that St Patrick vanished from Ireland.
I had to take an extra course in supporting gay clients because schools don't teach you anything about it.
Her reaction was inappropriate. Actually cant believr she was so defensive and inexperienced I

Originally Posted by licketysplit

Do you think she already knew what your tutors had said to you and that they all concluded this was not a good relationship, or am I just too paranoid to be commenting? I don't want to make it worse.

It does seem bizarre that this would make a therapist so uncomfortable. I can't help but think how delighted stopdog's therapist would be if she felt something like this towards the woman.

I did think of that today lickety. If they did it's another reason to leave as nothing feels private or safe anymore.
I know t will ring my tutor about it and she will tell her everything. Maybe that's why t blushed because the tutors no, or maybe she was mad with me because they know. Now I am getting paranoid too

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Your T's reaction was pretty defensive and just all a bit sh-it really. BUT was it really bad enough to make you never go back to her? What about the 18months plus you've been seeing her, hasn't she met your needs in lots of other ways? Isn't the relationship you've both nurtured worth at least going back and talking it out?
I am in no way suggesting her reaction was okay, but maybe if you're frank about how she made you feel it could be a really valuable learning experience for you both. I understand how raw this all feels for you, but maybe just take some time out to feel that and let it pass a little before making big decisions about not going back.

Mona & Asia...
I read a lot and don't comment often, even when I have a strong opinion. However, I've been reading this thread and Mona, I really wanted to reach out to you and tell you that you should never have to be ashamed of loving someone. It doesn't matter the context. There is too little real love in the world. However, as I sit here, I have never told my T that I love her. I have a strong maternal love for her. I've never felt any thing remotely like it toward anyone. I have told her that I adore her, which is by definition, stronger than love, but people generally use it more casually than its defined. I wasn't being casual at all but I'm not sure she realizes that, even though I'm very careful with my words. I have to admit that I am ashamed of the way I feel about my T, because our relationship is contrived from a business arrangement. I feel horrid that the person I love so much only has a relationship with me because it's a business arrangement. You are so brave for being able to tell her no matter how difficult it was to get out. I understand why you don't think you can go back. Her reaction was in the very least, really weird. However, I agree with Asia. You can't let this moment of embarrassment cost you a realy good and productive relationship. Your T definitely said the wrong thing, but she is only human and if she hasn't had much experience reacting to patients who feel this way, it's somewhat understandable. Also, I'm guessing she's already aware that she said the wrong thing. I think it'd really benefit you if you gave her the chance to try to come up with the right thing to say. I think if you had responded to something she said in a negative way, you'd realy want the chance to clear the air. Please consider giving her a chance.
As for me, when your finished clearing this up, and I know you will, send me piece of your courage and maybe I'll be able to express how I feel to my T.