[granite1]

im sitting here so badly wanting to share some of my past with my T and I just have once again no idea how to do it, or how to handle it ,or even why I want to tell her. I mean she know all about abuse and SA and so on but none of the details, or very few anyway. I really feel the need to explain in mre detail what went on with my brother and I don't know how to even bring it up .

Possible trigger:

I need her to know I was not the innocent child she keeps trying to tell me I was . I was responsible for the SA abuse that happened to my brother. if it was not for me the abuser would have never had him involved. he never touched my brother I did . she doesn't know this. I wouldn't cooperate with my abuser unless my brother was involved .so the abuser never touched him but instead I did the things he wanted me to do to my brother. she will tell me that the person who abused me is a monster ,or pond scum or however she wants to label him . but I am no different than that so when I hear about how sick people are made by child SA I think that is who I am and there is no changing that and she needs to know this.

I am not ready to hear anything about this from her but I need her to know what I did .im sorry if I have offended anyone I understand every once and a while I get the idea in my head that I should tell her the truth about me.

Possible trigger:

I have told her that I SA my brother and she gave me this song and dance about how I was just repeating what was done to me and I was young etc ... told her that was not the case but never elaborated on it .I am to ashamed. she just doesn't understand that it was not the situation at all.

[iheartjacques]

Sounds like you need to ask her to listen while you talk about what you did and how you feel about it, without justifying what you did. Do you need her to acknowledge that you're just as much of a monster as the original abusers was, and the guilt you feel? Has your brother sought help? Would you becwillingvto verify what you did to him if he names you?

[unaluna]

I think its like this. Anyway this is how it went for me.

Possible trigger:

1. I was csa'd by my older brother. I was told it was a game.
2. It was discovered, but no one talked to me, my parents only talked to him.
3. I csa'd my cousin. I told him it was a game.
4. It was discovered by my aunt. My mother talked to me, told me it wasnt nice.
5. But my mother never told my aunt that my brother had invented the game.
6. So my aunt tells the rest of the world i'm a pervert.
7. I figure out steps 5 and 6 a couple of years ago, figure out thats why people ie relatives have been treating me like im a freakin weirdo all my life (never let me babysit, etc), decide i have paid enough, decide they dont deserve me in their life.

Granite, people made you / us take the blame for their irresponsibilities. But we dont have to stay in prison forever.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Sounds like you need to ask her to listen while you talk about what you did and how you feel about it, without justifying what you did. Do you need her to acknowledge that you're just as much of a monster as the original abusers was, and the guilt you feel? Has your brother sought help? Would you becwillingvto verify what you did to him if he names you?

very triggering

Possible trigger:

my brother ended out committing SU

[rainbow8]

hankster, just wondering. Or anyone. Do you consider it CSA if it's just touching? Don't mean to hijack your thread, granite. You aren't to blame even if you did it to your brother. It's still your abuser's fault! You were a kid! I think it will be healing for you when you're able to tell all to your T. Eta: you aren't to blame about your brother no matter what. Your T can help you sort it all out!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think its like this. Anyway this is how it went for me.

Possible trigger:

1. I was csa'd by my older brother. I was told it was a game.
2. It was discovered, but no one talked to me, my parents only talked to him.
3. I csa'd my cousin. I told him it was a game.
4. It was discovered by my aunt. My mother talked to me, told me it wasnt nice.
5. But my mother never told my aunt that my brother had invented the game.
6. So my aunt tells the rest of the world i'm a pervert.
7. I figure out steps 5 and 6 a couple of years ago, figure out thats why people ie relatives have been treating me like im a freakin weirdo all my life (never let me babysit, etc), decide i have paid enough, decide they dont deserve me in their life.

Granite, people made you / us take the blame for their irresponsibilities. But we dont have to stay in prison forever.

this is the chain of events that my T thinks happened but it isn't

[stopdog]

I think that you were also a child and did not have the requisite capacity to be guilty as you charge yourself. I do not believe the therapist will consider you to be the guilty party in the situation.
But why not tell her - or show her this - how does it matter what the therapist's reaction to this is? The therapist is just a tool to use. Her function is not to punish you.

[LonesomeTonight]

Could you maybe type out/write what you want to tell your T, but before you hand it to her say that you're not ready to talk about it yet, but just want her to know? I think for her to really help you eventually need to share everything. Or even just say to her something like, "I know you think things went a certain way, but I haven't told you everything. I'm not sure how to tell you."

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by granite1

this is the chain of events that my T thinks happened but it isn't

Granite, i really think the main point is where the adults failed their responsibilities and it fell on us. It took me a long time to be able to really clearly list things. Like years. My t didnt know the truth, how could he? - i had to figure it out myself. That was my major work in t for a few years. It was weird because it feels made up, but its like reading a detective novel - if you go back and check the clues, like no babysitting (and they were WEIRD about it!), it adds up.

I get that your chain of events is different from what happened to me.

Rainbow - my t said even adults telling inappropriate stories can be csa.

Originally Posted by granite1

this is the chain of events that my T thinks happened but it isn't

Perhaps you should write out your chain of events. Preface sharing it with her with saying you need for her to read and see the chain of events as you saw them. However, do not expect her to agree that you are responsible for the events. You were acting still at the hands of an adult perpetrator and were in survival mode; you did what you did as a child, not because you were a bad person, but because you were acting to survive somehow what was happening to you. All ultimate responsibility lies with the adult involved. Your T won't ever blame you for your actions however they transpired in the presence of the adult perpetrator.

[Luce]

You lost your innocence when he SAed you. You were SUPPOSED to be innocent. He introduced you to a world you should have known nothing about, because you were a child.
He is responsible for what happened with your younger brother, even though you feel like it was you.
Children who are sexually abused have no manual to guide them. They do what they can to get by in uncharted waters in a world where a perpetrator is telling them wrong is right and right is wrong. Physically, intellectually, morally, sexually, and emotionally children are not yet developed enough to deal with complex issues and problems like sexuality and abuse. That is why they cannot be held legally responsible for the choices they make.

"Primary functions of the prefrontal cortex involve planning a person's response to complex and difficult problems. The prefrontal cortex resides at the front of the brain, and it is subdivided by the brain's right and left hemispheres. It acts as an "executive" for the decision making process, weaving past events to present experiences in order to make the best choices. The cortex develops slowly, finally reaching maturity in a person's early to mid-20s."

The true character of a person is revealed once their prefrontal cortex is fully developed. Your guilt and self blame reveals that you never would have abused your brother if that perpetrator hadn't first abused you. I bet you have never SAed a child in adulthood either. What happened was most likely not a reflection of who you ARE but of the circumstances you found yourself in.

[ECHOES]

(((((granite)))) Dear one, your T knows how complex csa can be, and she can help you when you are ready to let her know more. Maybe that would be a way of bringing this to your therapy, saying to your T that there is more that you want her to know. Talk about that first, and about how you want her to know and at the same time you don't, because you have fears about how it could affect your relationship (with T).

To me, it sounds like you were trying to gain some control against your abuser who put you in a desperately vulnerable situation. This was not a 'place' where logic and fair rules applied.

I hope you can let your T know, whenever you are ready, so you no longer have to carry this burden alone, and so together you and she can explore it and understand more about what happened.

[SoupDragon]

(((Granite))) I did something when I was a child I am ashsmed of. The logical me knows I was a confused child then, but I understand the shame.

I hope you can find a way to tell your T even if it is bit by bit. Maybe just starting by saying her assumptions are wrong and you are anxious about putting her straight because she may judge you.

I guess somehow we just need to work on self forgiveness, you did what you did as a child, with a child's logic. Kids don't get to drive cars, not because they're too small to reach the pedals, but because of immaturity, their brains see things differently to adults.

Soup

I think you need to talk to your T about this. I don't think she would see you as guilty.

I can relate to you needing to be understood by your T, not told that you shouldn't feel or think that way. Can you ask her to just understand you and sit with that for a while, sit with how you have viewed the situation for all these years, understand how that has felt and the impact that has had on your life?

[iheartjacques]

I'm so sorry for what you've both been through. I hope she can sit and listen to you tell your story without interrupting, and then help you work through the aftermath

[granite1]

im trying to write in my T journal what I want to say to her but I cant seem to put any words on the paper. I wish I could talk . maybe I need to forget it . im not ready I guess. I just hate that this stuff is always tearing at my mind

How about your art? Seems like you've painted some very expressive art that served as a good starter for conversation.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by granite1

im trying to write in my T journal what I want to say to her but I cant seem to put any words on the paper. I wish I could talk . maybe I need to forget it . im not ready I guess. I just hate that this stuff is always tearing at my mind

I wonder if talking about it in therapy - putting it on the table where you can both look at it... I can't help but think that doing that might very well be the thing that reduces its size.. makes it more resolvable.

[iheartjacques]

Can you speak into a recorder or video diary?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Crescent Moon

I wonder if talking about it in therapy - putting it on the table where you can both look at it... I can't help but think that doing that might very well be the thing that reduces its size.. makes it more resolvable.

this idea terrifies me to the core .I wish I could .it took me years to even be able to just talk about every day things without panicking

[granite1]

writing for me is usually the best route for me . but I remember how horrible I felt when I wrote about this dream I had and she read about it . I got so mixed up in my head about reality and memories and felt horrible . I swore I would never put myself or my T in that situation again . im not saying she was unable to handle it she was great . it was me who was unable to handle it . I wonder if this is why I cant seem to write about it . I know she said that she hopes I will bring my T journal back again. I have but I have not written anything in it yet.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

Can you speak into a recorder or video diary?

this is not something I ever thought of doing . don't know how strange it would feel . have you ever done this.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

How about your art? Seems like you've painted some very expressive art that served as a good starter for conversation.

I have drawn one pic about what went on but im not so sure I could brave talking about it . she has looked at some of my art in my last T journal but im not sure she has seen that one . if she has she didn't say anything . sometimes I don't think she wants me to talk about any of this stuff .

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello granite-

I don't know if this will be of any help but I was hurt in many ways throughout my childhood and one of the persons that inflicted much pain was my older brother. I have spent a great deal of time attempting to understand what happened to me and the various ways I have responded to all of it (not just what happened with my brother) such as struggling with PTSD. One of the main things I have come to know is that I do not blame my brother for all the things he did to me during my childhood. How he has responded to me in our adult years is another story but I know that he was not able to truly understand, back then, what he was doing and the ramifications of it all. I have come to realize that it is the adults, our parents, who were the ones who should have stopped things and should have tried to protect me and believe me when I tried to seek their help. They should have helped my brother as well. He clearly had something going on that caused him to do the things he did to me. He was struggling with something as well and did not know how to articulate that. Instead he took out his pain and anger on me because he didn't know how to do better or to make other choices or how to deal with whatever he had going on.

My brother and I do not have a relationship now-one of the most heartbreaking things I deal with now as I loved him so much no matter what happened. But the fractured relationship is not because I am holding a grudge over what he did to me as a child-it's how he has interacted with me as an adult. I guess I am reiterating what other people have posted on this thread-the children are not responsible in these situations, the adults who are supposed to be the caregivers for the children-are.