[JaneC]

I put this in the PTSD forum....but it is really about my inability to communicate in a useful way with my therapist......so looking for help here please, where a lot of you have read my 'stuff' before. I need help. Please.........

I*am outwardly together, until you ask me to do any higher level functioning...then it is obvious, I really am not together at all.

You all know, T is leaving, 3 sessions to go. The thought patterns and memories and triggers from this became unbearable. I stopped bein able to really talk to my T last week. I am in so much internal pain it is crippling.......But what has hapened is that I have reverted to an old coping strategy......well, two really.

I have distanced myself completely from my emotions, I am pushing any and almost all help away. I very nearly lost my close friend this week by shutting down and pushing her away.*

The other strategy I am using is binge eating. It is completely disgusting, I am disgusting.....but it seems the only way I can control the emotion in the evenings. The only way to keep in control. And more, it is true self punishment, because this time instead of allowing myself to throw up once I get soo full and nauseous......I wint allow myself to do that. It feels much more punishing to have to live with the enormouse discomfort of what I have stuffed down my throat.

I can not write to my T, I can not express what is going on. I am ashamed and disgusted at myself, my inability to cope with this, my weakness at being soo overwhelmed just because someone else is leaving. The memories that are connected to people leaving are unbearable. Even now typing I am struggling to find the best words to describe what is going on, because I am so removed from my emotions it is scary.

I din't know how to stop being like this. I dont know how to allow my T back in, in the short time we have left. I don't know how to stop eating like I am. I know how much I am hurting myself, at least a part of me does, but most of me is on lockdown protect mode.

Help?

[SoupDragon]

(((JaneC))), you are not disgusting, you're just using the tools you know, to cope with what must be a really difficult thing with your T. I know those binge times.

I know my T would say just sit and notice the feelings, how they feel, how they impact on thoughts etc. etc. but I also know that is easier said than done.

Is there anything else you have learned to manage difficult feelings? I have been having a tough time, but got nagged by my dogs to take them out for a walk this morning and it did lift me a bit.

I haven't been able to keep up with posts for a while, but hope you have another T lined up for support.

Soup

Can you ask your T to write something for you, maybe a letter, maybe about your therapy together, that you can look at in between the last three appoinmtnes? When is your appoinment with your new T? I guess you can't bring it forward? I'm a big fan of alternative therapies like reflexology, they help with emotions. I'm sending you hugs.

[Gavinandnikki]

I think you are so utterly and completely overwhelmed with "I can NOT handle this", that even if you had an escape hatch, you couldn't see it.

First, I recommend doing anything that can help you relax. Even a few simple very deep breaths will slow your heart rate for a few seconds. You have to calm a little.

And, you will see your therapist and tell him. Or give him a print out of this thread. It's important that he know how you feel. I love the idea of asking him to write something or give you something tangible to hold.

Stop saying how you can't. You can and you will. How could telling him your feelings be worse than where you are now, eh? Talk to him, it will help. Do it. Walk in the room and open your heart. It will not get worse.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Do you have someone else you can turn to, to help you deal with this both now and after she's gone? I talk to my pastor when I have nobody else to go and she's a huge help, caring and a different point of view. Do you have someone who can support you like that? Who would listen nonjudgementally and help you process this loss? I don't think turning to *her* alone for comfort right now is a great idea.

[ThisWayOut]

can you give him this post? it may not say everything, but it's a start...
also, ditto on what others have said

[Soccer mom]

Can you ask for another session? I do the same thing - stuff my feelings down so I'm disconnected from them. I go in cycles - sometimes I'm feeling them overwhelmingly and other times I know they are there but I chose to ignore them.

Do you plan to go to a new T? Perhaps this would be a good time to see both to start the transition?

[socialwork12]

You could ask your T for some resources such as seeking help from an eating disorder T or asking that a new T come to your sessions and get to know you so when the T does leave you're not left explaining the same thing to someone new. Everyone has their own way of coping and for you that is binge eating, it is not disgusting but a way of relief that you seek. There is nothing wrong with who you are. Seeking new resources for when your T does leave is very important and is something you should consider asking.

Originally Posted by JaneC

I put this in the PTSD forum....but it is really about my inability to communicate in a useful way with my therapist......so looking for help here please, where a lot of you have read my 'stuff' before. I need help. Please.........

I*am outwardly together, until you ask me to do any higher level functioning...then it is obvious, I really am not together at all.

You all know, T is leaving, 3 sessions to go. The thought patterns and memories and triggers from this became unbearable. I stopped bein able to really talk to my T last week. I am in so much internal pain it is crippling.......But what has hapened is that I have reverted to an old coping strategy......well, two really.

I have distanced myself completely from my emotions, I am pushing any and almost all help away. I very nearly lost my close friend this week by shutting down and pushing her away.*

The other strategy I am using is binge eating. It is completely disgusting, I am disgusting.....but it seems the only way I can control the emotion in the evenings. The only way to keep in control. And more, it is true self punishment, because this time instead of allowing myself to throw up once I get soo full and nauseous......I wint allow myself to do that. It feels much more punishing to have to live with the enormouse discomfort of what I have stuffed down my throat.

I can not write to my T, I can not express what is going on. I am ashamed and disgusted at myself, my inability to cope with this, my weakness at being soo overwhelmed just because someone else is leaving. The memories that are connected to people leaving are unbearable. Even now typing I am struggling to find the best words to describe what is going on, because I am so removed from my emotions it is scary.

I din't know how to stop being like this. I dont know how to allow my T back in, in the short time we have left. I don't know how to stop eating like I am. I know how much I am hurting myself, at least a part of me does, but most of me is on lockdown protect mode.

Help?

[JaneC]

[QUOTE=SoupDragon;4382846Is there anything else you have learned to manage difficult feelings?
Soup[/QUOTE]

Thanks Soup. I have tried many things to manage. I try breathing techniques. Watching funny films. I took my son and nephew to the beach yesterday and played in the water and rock pools, and sat in the sun. It didn't change my mood, but it gave me moments of relief from thinking.

I tried some art, and towards the end I realised that I was making a piece that symbolised my broken parts, and tears, and how therapy has begun to heal the layers of brokenness through tears, and begun to transform the broken towards something beautiful. I realised I was making a gift to say goodbye and thank you to my T. My friend came over and saw it, and when I explained what it was to her, she physically doubled over and cried. She said it was beautiful. I just feel pain

The evenings are just overwhelming, lonely and I do not seem able to allow myself to get the feelings out. I have to stuff them down.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Can you ask your T to write something for you, maybe a letter, maybe about your therapy together, that you can look at in between the last three appoinmtnes? When is your appoinment with your new T? I guess you can't bring it forward? I'm a big fan of alternative therapies like reflexology, they help with emotions. I'm sending you hugs.

Thanks Brown Owl. I do have an appointment with a new therapist, the day after my therapist finishes seeing clients. The appointment was made so he could come with me hopefully, but he went ahead and booked a course to attend on the last 2 days that he is supposed to be seeing clients. Yes, I am angry about that. And no, I can't bring it forward, the new therapist had already fitted me in earlier than she had availability just so my therapist could come with me to ease the transition......

As for asking my therapist to write something, it is a lovely idea. Not sure I can ask now though, I am so closed off to him. Also, he is planning on our last session being a sharing what he thinks about me, talking about the therapy, what I have achieved etc session. I think I would love him to write something for me though.

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Can you ask for another session?

I saw my therapist last Tuesday, it is Tuesday now, and because of the holidays my next appointment is not until Friday. Last week I emailed and said I was hurting myself so much both mentally and physically, and that I did not know if I could go 9 days before being able to try to talk. I asked for an extra session. He said no, he had no space, he wishes he did but there is nothing available. I have felt much worse since that email.

socialwork12....thank you for your message. I don't really think I have an eating disorder. Just poor coping mechanisms. But I am no expert. Something to keep in mind. I haven't really spoken of it in any depth to my therapist. Maybe I will with my new one.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

I think you are so utterly and completely overwhelmed with "I can NOT handle this", that even if you had an escape hatch, you couldn't see it.

First, I recommend doing anything that can help you relax. Even a few simple very deep breaths will slow your heart rate for a few seconds. You have to calm a little.

And, you will see your therapist and tell him. Or give him a print out of this thread. It's important that he know how you feel. I love the idea of asking him to write something or give you something tangible to hold.

Stop saying how you can't. You can and you will. How could telling him your feelings be worse than where you are now, eh? Talk to him, it will help. Do it. Walk in the room and open your heart. It will not get worse.

I think you are right........I can not see the wood for the trees at the moment. All those old cliché, cutting nose off etc.........I am there. I am doing what I can right now so that I do not go under completely.

You make it sound so easy, go in and tell him. Maybe I do need to just send a copy of this post in email. What will that achieve though?

TWO....I think you said it also, just email him this post. Do you really think it will help?

[JaneC]

Well, I emailed my therapist a copy of my post. He hasn't replied yet but that is to be expected. He may not as I guess he is very busy with all his clients he is having to end with. And I didn't ask him to reply or to call......so.

I've come to the beach, I've walked.......I've done that at least.

I just want all the dark thoughts to go away. I won't listen to them as I need to be here for my son. I just wish they would go away. I don't feel anything just have the thoughts. Anyway......

sent from mobile via tapatalk

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I think you are right........I can not see the wood for the trees at the moment. All those old cliché, cutting nose off etc.........I am there. I am doing what I can right now so that I do not go under completely.

You make it sound so easy, go in and tell him. Maybe I do need to just send a copy of this post in email. What will that achieve though?

TWO....I think you said it also, just email him this post. Do you really think it will help?

It wii let him know how you feel and that is important right now.

Having said that, I would be so incredibly pissed off that he was not available to come to an appointment with the new therapist. Flaming angry!!! And I would tell him that. He owes you whatever you need right now. I believe that.

[JaneC]

I am angry underneath, and he has kept telling me it is ok to be angry at him. But I can not let myself express this.

I am angry and incredibly disappointed.

[iheartjacques]

Have you got another T lined up? To help you transition?

[guilloche]

I'm glad you were able to email him a copy of the post... hopefully it's an easier way to express some of what you're going through to him? It may be hard to say directly to him, but sometimes it's easier to say here, and then just bring this in.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I have distanced myself completely from my emotions, I am pushing any and almost all help away. I very nearly lost my close friend this week by shutting down and pushing her away.*

I know how hard it is to keep all those really strong emotions in your head and let yourself feel them. Instead of shutting down, could you maybe journal about what you're feeling? Even just writing down the emotion words - upset, hurt, scared, etc... - just get them out of your head. And, maybe, could you let your closest friends just know that you're going through something rough and you don't want to lose them but you're pulling away a little bit?

Originally Posted by JaneC

The other strategy I am using is binge eating. It is completely disgusting, I am disgusting.....but it seems the only way I can control the emotion in the evenings. The only way to keep in control. And more, it is true self punishment, because this time instead of allowing myself to throw up once I get soo full and nauseous......I wint allow myself to do that. It feels much more punishing to have to live with the enormouse discomfort of what I have stuffed down my throat.

You are NOT disgusting, but I do know how that feels. In another post you questioned whether this is an eating disorder, and I think most therapists would class it as such. I can tell you what has helped me to avoid the urge to binge...maybe something will jump out at you as helpful. The urges are usually strongest for me in the evenings, so I try to have some kind of project ready to work on that will completely engage my hands and my concentration. I tend to binge on specific foods, so I try to avoid having them in the house. I will make a shopping list and force myself to stick to it, even reviewing it as I'm checking out and asking the cashier to put back things that weren't on my list. I make a daily menu which includes small snacks in the afternoon and evening - and I do not allow myself to deviate from it. If I do start to binge, I'll accept that it happened, but not beat myself up, and just resolve to try and do better. I will text a friend or my T if I am really, really struggling.

Originally Posted by JaneC

my weakness at being soo overwhelmed just because someone else is leaving. The memories that are connected to people leaving are unbearable. Even now typing I am struggling to find the best words to describe what is going on, because I am so removed from my emotions it is scary.

I really don't see it as a weakness. You are overwhelmed - yes. You have a history that triggers these feelings - yes. You're trying your hardest to find ways to cope, even if they aren't healthy. But, unlike in the past, you recognize that they aren't healthy and you are asking for help, even if right now it's just here on PC. You're doing something different and better for you.