Connecting with your therapist...

Some people have more difficulty than others connecting with their therapist. What are your thoughts, concerns, barriers, successes with connecting with your T? How much time do you spend thinking of the session you have had after you leave the session?

I generally go to work after my session but I take my time, get some coffee or pick up breakfast and think things through a bit and continue to think as I go to bed..to work it through in my dreams and on and on. It kind of flows through the day. I also feel it stronger the day or so after the visit and I find myself winding myself back up the day or three beforehand as I prepare for what direction I want therapy to go or what I do not want to forget to say... What might be relavent, etc...

What are your thoughts on this...

I spend time thinking about it. I think about it mainly before. Like, what I'm going to say. Topics to bring up. Specific words I want to use. I often forget though. Grrr.

I suppose I find myself working to digest what I have heard and ask how to move forward. This assists me with my journey and also assists with my connection as a team with my Pdoc. Does this make sense?

I too forget stuff... other things sometimes get in the way.

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SecretGarden said:
Some people have more difficulty than others connecting with their therapist.

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I have no difficult connecting with my T in session-- it is outside of session that I have the problem. As soon as he is no longer in front of me, I am completely disconnected.

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What are your thoughts, concerns, barriers, successes with connecting with your T?

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I believe that when you have found a connection with your T, you have found someone who understands you more than anyone else in the world ever has.

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How much time do you spend thinking of the session you have had after you leave the session?

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What? I missed that. I was thinking of my last session....

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I generally go to work after my session but I take my time, get some coffee or pick up breakfast and think things through a bit and continue to think as I go to bed..to work it through in my dreams and on and on. It kind of flows through the day. I also feel it stronger the day or so after the visit and I find myself winding myself back up the day or three beforehand as I prepare for what direction I want therapy to go or what I do not want to forget to say... What might be relavent, etc...

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That's wonderful-- because you are working in therapy throughout the week. I work very hard at therapy throughout the week through self-exploration and analysis, but.. I still cannot maintain the connection outside of session. The safety is not there, I become lost.

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What are your thoughts on this...

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That I need more therapy.

Once you have lost the connection are you able to reconnect...before the next session? Sometimes I suppose I am preparing to reconnect..if that makes sense?

I agree that more sessions will benefit you specifically at this time of your therapy.

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SecretGarden said:
Once you have lost the connection are you able to reconnect...before the next session?

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I mean, in my head I always know that I am connected with him. But I am not able to feel the connection before the next session. I need to actually be in the room with him. It is a very strong issues for me, the notion of not being able to see him, and therefore, not being connected with him. He has been trying (for a year and a half) to get me to use the dreaded psychoanalytic couch. I have not done so yet because I feel like the connection is lost-- once I lay on the couch, he will be behind me, and that's about as good as having him not there at all. He said I can try just sitting on the couch and facing him... I haven't done that yet.

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Sometimes I suppose I am preparing to reconnect..if that makes sense?

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Sure, that makes a lot of sense. All of the work you are doing can be maintenance of connection, and also, in an effort to reconnect in the upcoming session.

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agree that more sessions will benefit you specifically at this time of your therapy.

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Thanks... I think so, too. Sort of. I hope it doesn't make it worse. Who knows, with me.

I sat for about 8 years across from an analyst couch and one day I asked him if I could lie on it before he retired... as he was retiring. I felt silly on it and now wish I had spent more time that day on it ... just to more thoroughly experience it. Funny the things we remember eh?

Yes maintenance of connection is an interesting phrase and very valid. It takes work on both sides of the .....couch I suppose.

May I also share that I think it can help to connect and that you may not necessarily feel that connection as a positive thing but it may be a necessary thing... and you may be reaching darkness in that connection. Your own darkness perhaps. That can be positive despite what you may think.

In dealing with the darkness... you are also connecting....and bonding.

My current doc delayed me to go less often...every two weeks... as I think he thought I was getting too close perhaps. Wanted me to be more independent. Go figure .... I now wish to move forward and go weekly to a scarey part of myself I wish to deal with.

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Some people have more difficulty than others connecting with their therapist. What are your thoughts, concerns, barriers, successes with connecting with your T?

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With my first counselor, I didn't really connect with her. I didn't know I was supposed to. She seemed adequate to me. Now that I know about the wonderful connection you can have with a therapist, I look back on the experience with her and wonder why we didn't connect. Perhaps part of it was she practiced a somewhat superficial (although not ineffective) form of therapy--getting me to eat and exercise better, get more sleep, build up my network of friends, etc. We didn't go deeply into anything and I'm not sure she knew how (or considered it would be helpful to me). She was also not very insightful. I just didn't click with her.

With my current T, we connected almost instantaneously, like a clap of thunder going off and a rush of wind, whooooosh! Wow, I love having a connection to my therapist now. There have been some barriers, but we have worked on them productively.

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How much time do you spend thinking of the session you have had after you leave the session?

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I think about our sessions a lot. I often come to new insights about what we discussed after the sessions and make changes in my behavior accordingly. Sometimes I wish I were "faster" to pick up on what is going on in therapy as it is going on, so I could react when T is there with me. But it often takes me a while to process and "get" what happened in therapy.

Hmmm connecting is what my T and I were talking about last week when he asked if we were connected, I replied, "I think so." He said that when I answer like that he isn't sure. I didnt react at the time (I have quite a poker face) but in retrospect I am devastated because I feel very connected to him, so I have to bring this up again tomorrow. I always think about my sessions afterward and I usually have him in my head sort of as a background. I usually journal and then I think of what I want to remember for next time. Sometimes even though I've prepared, I cant remember what i wanted to talk about because i freeze up on the morning of therapy. It's hard for me to relax. That's probably what he was picking up on. Last night as I was falling asleep I felt very safe for the first time in a long time. I remember thinking, ahhh my husband's arms around me and T in my head, now I feel protected, Wacky, huh?

Sunrise... your last thing about getting it... You are processing between visits and this is what I do... and what I think happens in effective connected therapy. These are the things I make a mental note to bring up at the next session and what I often consider to be my self assigned or natural developing "homework."

Your first therapist did not get it. I am glad you found this one.

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What are your thoughts, concerns, barriers, successes with connecting with your T? How much time do you spend thinking of the session you have had after you leave the session?

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I think the barrier between me and my T is that I don't feel the comfort I want. Other than that we're friendly. If we weren't T and client, we would probably be friendly aquaintances. The problem with the pdoc is a lack of barriers/boundaries. It's like one has too many and the other too few.

I think about the pdoc sessions more because he brings up questions for me by challenging my ideas. I think it's mostly intellectual though.

I'd like to think about my sessions with T afterwards, but I go straight back to work and it kinda gets lost. We do a lot of work during the session, but it seems like it evaporates from my brain too quickly and I don't know how to get it down - even just afterwards I find myself wondering how to express what happened during the session - I can't seem to capture it. Nevertheless, the next session we do more work inspite of that.

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SecretGarden said:

My current doc delayed me to go less often...every two weeks... as I think he thought I was getting too close perhaps. Wanted me to be more independent. Go figure .... I now wish to move forward and go weekly to a scarey part of myself I wish to deal with.

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This is what I feel my therapist is trying to do. I have a lot I want to discuss on Tuesday. But, I just feel that by continuing to show up weekly after he has said he thinks it is appropriate to reduce sessions, is making me feel kind of weird now.

Anyway, yes a connection is so important. He did say one session that he thought my husband might be jealous of our relationship because he and I connect emotionally and my husband doesn't with me. It felt really good to hear him say this and it is not entirely untrue. My husband does not know how to connect emotionally with anyone but maybe our son...

I have a really good relationship with my T and pdoc. The hardest part for me is feeling like I am not "worthy" of their time. I have this constant fear that they are going to fire me or tell me I don't need them anymore--that they have pts who need them more. To get over this I constantly check in with them about it--I just say something like "so, you gonna fire me this week?" We keep an open discussion going about my insecurities. I think part of this is because my first real T died and my last T referred me to another because she felt like she could no longer help me. I loved them both.

It sounds like you like your relationship with your pdoc better than your T. I know it is difficult to have to go back to work....and that makes working things through difficult or at least different. Are you able to pick up where you left off with your T or do you have to be reminded where you were. Do you work things through through your dreams or other ways? Any chance that you could see your pdoc as your therapist? How would that feel?

How about a continuing dialogue about frequency of visits. Do you know why he wanted to decrease visits? Sometimes I am inspired to bring up new topics or keep things rolling and sometimes I ask him if he has a direction for things or anything he thinks we should discuss. Does that come in to play with your visits or might that have anything to do with the frequency of visits.

I think that sometimes when I feel slower I might feel the need to jump in to things that I might have been avoiding. LOL... gee that can be scarey ...for me.

DePressMe (fine name by the way...) I can relate ... I go through phases of this myself... just last week as a matter of fact...and I did ask. How difficult.

I am glad that you have had therapists that have been so special to you. I have had two main therapists and they have had their own special charms. My first retired and died... I am sorry for your losses. I know the relationship is special. I suppose I have encouraged my pdoc before to learn more about how to help me. My bad I am sure and things are perking along. I have to respect the therapist that could no longer assist you and told you so.

You seem like such a caring and gentle soul. I feel that you must be a pleasure to work with and a hard worker.

> What are your thoughts, concerns, barriers, successes with connecting with your T?

Sometimes I feel connected when he seems to understand what I'm saying. He offers an analogy or something and I see that he really does understand what I'm saying. Or sometimes I feel connected when he mirrors my emotional state (my sense of excitement or enthusiasm) or compliments it (when he is reassuring).

But mostly... I guess I prevent / interrupt that feeling of connection because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to look at him. Mostly because I'm afraid he won't be able to conceal disgust / aversion. I feel annoyed when he attempts to communicate understanding because I feel like he is interrupting me. I feel annoyed when he attempts to soothe me for the same reason. I guess it is about my being afraid that if I feel safe and secure in his presence then he will do something (a look of disapproval or revulsion) and I will just die. I'll shatter into a million pieces or something. I'm afraid that I'll be needy and dependent and that will revolt him. I guard against connection so I am better able to control myself. To present as calm and competent and in control. So he isn't repulsed by the confusion of emotional intensities inside me...

> How much time do you spend thinking of the session you have had after you leave the session?

Quite a while. Because I've had such a lack of sleep it really hits me afterwards. I've taken to (blush) going back home to try and catch up on a few hours so I'm up and at 'em for Friday afternoon / evening social activities. So I go home and go to bed... But of course I ruminate on the session and don't really get much sleep. But sometimes I'm completely exhausted and I'm out like a light. I think of him every day (how embarrassing is that). He has no idea... And... Well... I can't see my telling him anytime soon. Maybe he will abandon me 'cause I'm too sick for therapy... Or maybe he will abandon me 'cause I'm too well for therapy... I just feel traumatised right now. There isn't anything he can do... I don't know what to say.

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DePressMe said:
To get over this I constantly check in with them about it--I just say something like "so, you gonna fire me this week?" We keep an open discussion going about my insecurities. I think part of this is because my first real T died and my last T referred me to another because she felt like she could no longer help me. I loved them both.

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I can bond with this notion depressme! I have the same insecurity and feel like any day he's going to say we need to reduce sessions or stop or set a term date.

I am so attached but its because he is a fun, sweet, and knowledgeable person. I have tons of respect for him too. I tried to tell him this once but he's was quiet so I stopped.

I'm sorry that you one T died and the other referred you out. If mine referred me out...oh I don't even want to think about it..

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almeda24fan said:
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DePressMe said:
To get over this I constantly check in with them about it--I just say something like "so, you gonna fire me this week?" We keep an open discussion going about my insecurities. I think part of this is because my first real T died and my last T referred me to another because she felt like she could no longer help me. I loved them both.

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I can bond with this notion depressme! I have the same insecurity and feel like any day he's going to say we need to reduce sessions or stop or set a term date.

I am so attached but its because he is a fun, sweet, and knowledgeable person. I have tons of respect for him too. I tried to tell him this once but he's was quiet so I stopped.

I'm sorry that you one T died and the other referred you out. If mine referred me out...oh I don't even want to think about it..

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I do this too. Especially when I tell him something 'big'. And he's usually quiet after I tell him something. I'll say, "Ok, you can kick me out now." Or I'll tell him I'm going out the window. He tells me not to because then therapy would end. lol.

I love your therapist Pink!!!!

Sometimes I feel connected when he seems to understand what I'm saying. He offers an analogy or something and I see that he really does understand what I'm saying. Or sometimes I feel connected when he mirrors my emotional state (my sense of excitement or enthusiasm) or compliments it (when he is reassuring).

*I agree...

But mostly... I guess I prevent / interrupt that feeling of connection because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to look at him. Mostly because I'm afraid he won't be able to conceal disgust / aversion. I feel annoyed when he attempts to communicate understanding because I feel like he is interrupting me. I feel annoyed when he attempts to soothe me for the same reason. I guess it is about my being afraid that if I feel safe and secure in his presence then he will do something (a look of disapproval or revulsion) and I will just die. I'll shatter into a million pieces or something. I'm afraid that I'll be needy and dependent and that will revolt him. I guard against connection so I am better able to control myself. To present as calm and competent and in control. So he isn't repulsed by the confusion of emotional intensities inside me...

*I think that you would be an interesting client. I can feel your T reaching out to you. You have strong trust issues (as do I) ...and that takes time. You compared ...somewhere... a connection with him to be similar to that with your father. Are these feelings that you have described similar to what you remember with your father? I really do understand (to the degree that I can relate) your feelings of wishing to share but yet afraid to share and wish to be accepted but afraid of putting yourself out there. It is like a shaddow boxing match of sorts.... How would it feel if he caught you and emotionally hugged you? Yikes vs awwwww. I think and hope in time that that will happen for you. It is quite a process though. I recall looking at the rug alot in my first therapy and now at the wall with this one.. but sometimes would hide from the response afraid to know how he (either) reacted but yet later wish I had been looking at this face. I think that as I progress it becomes easier (oh kay...somewhat) to look at the T face to face. It is also o.k. to be safe ....however we need to be.

> How much time do you spend thinking of the session you have had after you leave the session?

Quite a while. Because I've had such a lack of sleep it really hits me afterwards. I've taken to (blush) going back home to try and catch up on a few hours so I'm up and at 'em for Friday afternoon / evening social activities. So I go home and go to bed... But of course I ruminate on the session and don't really get much sleep. But sometimes I'm completely exhausted and I'm out like a light. I think of him every day (how embarrassing is that).

*Embarrassing perhaps but I think with productive therapy this is not all a bad thing Alexandra... really. You are working things through. This is good.

He has no idea... And... Well... I can't see my telling him anytime soon. Maybe he will abandon me 'cause I'm too sick for therapy... Or maybe he will abandon me 'cause I'm too well for therapy... I just feel traumatised right now. There isn't anything he can do... I don't know what to say.

*You are doing fine Alexandra... really you are. He can just be.... there for you and with you... and that is fine...for now til you both find your way.

Peace.