difficulty connecting

I get an odd feeling sometimes. Best I can describe it is "outside looking in". My friends all hang out with each other, but I am not there most of the time. I'm at home alone and comfortable. It's like at church... I was a leader... considered in the inner circle. But even there I felt outside looking in and my role was supportive and work-oriented. People hung out with each other... wanted to be with each other. All I wanted was to hide behind what I was doing or be alone... except on rare occasions where that special moment happened and I found myself sharing personally with people after meetings. There are precious few of those. I want to know how to do that... how to incorporate people into my world... my bubble. My personal space? I'm not sure what I'm describing, but there's a connection deficiency of some sort. I can't put my finger on it... I wish I could scratch that damn itch. It's just out of my reach. Maybe it's more of a "comfort zone" thing with me. It's so stressful to connect that I avoid inviting people into my personal space. I dunno. I wish I knew. Anyone relate?

{{{{{{{{Willow}}}}}}}}}}

I do understand what you are feeling. I have a personal space boundary around me too. I think a lot has to do with our past and how we learned to cope with various things that happened. Mine was from a rape. I put a wall around myself and only few are allowed in.

I am a outgoing person....however, I know that inside I feel like an outsider looking in at times. it doesn't happen all the time, but it does happen.

I think what has worked for me is to let myself let that wall down at times....opening up about my anxiety and depression to friends has helped a lot. They would mention that they could always "sense" something with me. I would love to know what that "sense" is though.

I do understand


Heather

Thanks heather. It's frustrating.
HUGS

Hi Willow {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It's almost like you're just watching yourself interact with others, isn't it? I know the feeling - that disassociation with yourself and people.

I have not been able to breach that space, I have tried although not with my best effort I admit.

I'm sorry that you are having problems with that sensation. I hope that you are able to work through it and be comfortable with the results.

Mary Alice

*HUGS* Mary Alice.
AT least I know I'm not alone. I think i've been this way all my life.

Your have a tendency towards SPD (Schizoid Personality Disorder). Check out the link below. I think it will explain exactly what your feeling and why.

http://www.geocities.com/schizoidyg/...d2welcome.html

Your are perfectly normal. I'm exactly the same way. I feel extremely good entirely by myself. I'm productive and happy and everything is nice when I'm alone. When I start hanging out with people that use emotion as an actual exchange system for happiness and conversation it totally misses me. When I find people who converse in logical, rational intelligent way all the time I do really great with them.

I have difficulty having relationships with women because I can't really find any that stay at a non emotional exchange level. Thank heaven for strippers ;--}

Thank you for that information, although it was for someone else. A most interesting site.

I have had some of my happiest moments alone and some of my most miserable moments alone. But, I always attributed my tendancy towards isolation to be due to the traumatic childhood and the dysfunction in my family.

That website gave me something to think about. If that is my personality, then I need to work on accepting who I am and finding peace with it. I always thought that a part of my recovery is becoming more intimate and letting people in. This is such a difficult topic for me, I still have not figure myself out in this area.

GraceD

Hi Doug,
I just now had the time to look over the schizoid site. Thanks so much for posting that for me. After thinking it through and reading, I realize I am more of an avoidant. I noticed they said a lot of SPDs are INTPs. I am an INFJ. There is a possibility that I have some traits. I do enjoy being alone, but I also crave for the interaction that others seem to enjoy with family and friends. I am struggling, but finding some answers along the way. Thanks again

Willow, I know just what you mean by a "connection deficiency"...I've felt the very same thing. It was much worse when I was a child, but I still feel a lot that there's something out there that I just don't get, that makes everyone else able to navigate interpersonal interactions better than me.

One thing that helped me was I watched what other people did and just copied them. It didn't come natural at first, but the more I learned "the motions" of being around people and socializing, the more I was able to connect with others. It's still work, and sometimes I still need to retreat to my solitary space, but I don't have nearly as much of that "outsider" feeling as I used to.

mj

hi mj14... thanks. I'm working hard on my "stuff". What you said helps a lot. I am hopeful that I won't feel as much of an outsider in the near future too. Aging does help.... and natural growth into adulthood. Like you though... I still feel like I"m missing something that comes natural to others.

Sometimes these feelings come from a childhood where one or both parents denied reality and dealt with reality in contradictory ways. For example, an alcoholic parent whose behavior would be up one minute and down the next, loving one minute, abusive the next. Or a parent who changed reality or rationalized about reality, resulting in situations that made no sense to the child. This puts the child on unsure footing, and causes them to be afraid in their interactions with others. So they stand back, hold back, they feel safer in the role of observer rather than participator. They wait to see what other people will do first, so they can feel safe in their responses.

People who are raised in families where emotions were consistent, feel safe taking risks and initiating interactions with others. Sometimes we need to look at the source of our learned behavior in order to change it. A "Family of Origin" profile, where you write down all your relatives and what you learned from each one, might give you a clue as to how you arrived at this way of dealing with life.

Choices, it's all about choices.

wow.. rubyred... this is very helpful. Thank you
I have actually in the past week made a huge stride of progress in this area through a romantic relationship. I know that sounds odd... but it's the first step out. I haven't ever truly connected with the opposite sex before this point. It's been a wonderful awakening. I think I'm gonna be alright if I have someone in my life... it only takes one.... who accepts me like I am and even moreso loves me through and through. Your are dead on about the childhood/parental stuff.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece...but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and defiantly shouting "Wow! What a ride!"

wow...you will never know how much your post helped me today......i am in the middle of a very intense relationship and your words ranfg so true.i am using emotion as an exchange system for happiness and conversation.....i never meant for it to happen but can it be avoided between a man and a woman???????....you made me see it for what it really is.thanks........

Hey Willow,

I have to tell you that I LOVE your quotation at the bottom of your message.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece...but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and defiantly shouting "Wow! What a ride!"

That is SO profound! I am going to remind myself of that every single day... thank you!

Choices, it's all about choices.

Glad you enjoyed the quote, rubyred. I don't know who said that, but it really got me pumped up and caused me to do some thinking. I actually have conflicting feelings about that quote. I am self protective to the hilt.... however, I recognize a glow of health in what it is saying. When I have it processed well enough... I'll put a different quote up.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece...but to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out and defiantly shouting "Wow! What a ride!"

I appreciate the quote also, and glad someone called attention to it or I might have missed it. To me, it means to LIVE life, not allow it to pass us by, control us, not to watch it, or hide from it...

but get out into the fray, try to maneuver the best we can, and experience the JOURNEY, make it ours...

it's appears to be a life long process of learning... and takes more energy than I think I have.

<font color=blue>...I can misspeak like the best of us</font color=blue>

MJ14....You just totally described how I've ALWAYS felt! Even as a kid, I remember feeling like I 'didnt even LOOK like everyone else', like I was really different or odd even though I wasn't. Well, I never had many friends and now as an adult, I have none except for my friend from 6th grade who lives in NY and I'm in MO...we IM every morning, so she's the only one I can really talk to about anything.
I've always tried to do what everyone else does....working every day, trying to talk to people,etc. but it ALWAYS felt totally unnatural to me and it still does! I feel like a freak still, I don't even KNOW how to meet or talk to people. I have LOTS of 'disorders' according to symptoms and drs. The weird thing is that when I was in high school, I was the 'leader' of the group...kind of like it was my way of hiding my inner self and my real insecurities...I was the one who came up with all the wild things to do and people followed me. Suddenly as I reached my 20's and everyone went their separate ways, I started having major anxiety attacks and depression. Now I'm 32, a recluse, I have no life outside of my 6 year old, I have NO one to hang out with or do things with,etc. It feels like everyone else in the world is able to meet people and date and have relationships and good jobs, but I'm on the sidelines watching it all go by.........Since there seems to be a BUNCH of us standing on the sidelines, WHAT are we 'called'?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sometimes these feelings come from a childhood where one or both parents denied reality and dealt with reality in contradictory ways. For example, an alcoholic parent whose behavior would be up one minute and down the next, loving one minute, abusive the next. Or a parent who changed reality or rationalized about reality, resulting in situations that made no sense to the child. This puts the child on unsure footing, and causes them to be afraid in their interactions with others. So they stand back, hold back, they feel safer in the role of observer rather than participator. They wait to see what other people will do first, so they can feel safe in their responses.

People who are raised in families where emotions were consistent, feel safe taking risks and initiating interactions with others. Sometimes we need to look at the source of our learned behavior in order to change it. A "Family of Origin" profile, where you write down all your relatives and what you learned from each one, might give you a clue as to how you arrived at this way of dealing with life.

Choices, it's all about choices.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I can identify with your point here. It took a very long time to learn that my coping strategies (useless as they are) come from dealing with a father who had three mood changes a day and a mother who was pulverised by this behaviour.
I was with my father when he died and I watched him go without taking any responsibility for his behaviour. I could never describe in words the anger that I felt at that time, and for some years afterwards. He left a letter with some instructions about his burial. There were no words of love in it for my mother - nothing. I have never been so ashamed.

Now that was disconnection.

It is only recently that I have come to understand where my own behaviour has come from, and why I have been so insecure and distrustful throughout life. The good news is that these destructive feelings are not as big as the love that I give and get with my wife and daughter. Happy ending.

The moral? I think you can connect if the people know what your problem is, if it's out in the open and they can handle it.
It's a leap of faith.

I have always felt the same way! Dysfunctional family as a child - Mother with schizophrenia, distant and nonemotional father who was never home and demanded I stay quiet and not "disappoint" him. I can totally relate. I have always felt on the outside looking in at life - not belonging anywhere. I have one friend, another one like me, with whom I can share myself because we are both from similar families and "know" without talking that we are going through the same stuff. I will go look at that site and see if it can help me.

Post deleted by bptoo

Well, PooPoo, I woke up this early and checked in only to find myself obsessively reading your posts on every thread. My questions is: you usually describe your poo situations like youre a man with your wife and then ex-wife and then you claim to be a woman.

Haha, at this point it's so funny that my curiosity is aroused not by your 15 poo/****/ejaculation stories but by this litlle gender contradiction.

Hope your **** is not sore today.