[guilloche]

Had T today. Left feeling terrible, but not sure why.

OK, I think I know why. All along, I've been feeling like T doesn't really understand me. Like, he'll get things... every once in awhile, but on the whole, it feels like he's just missing, and not getting it. I keep trying, I write things out so I can be clear, I try really hard to explain things, I *try*. But somehow, we're always reading from different books.

Today, I talked a bit about T and privacy. Specifically, he uses my actual first name with his supervisor (no last names, and she's in a different state). OK, it makes me a little nervous, but I see how she's far away and won't connect it. But, he emails her things that I wrote (and gave him on paper, not via email). Ugh.

I had to explain to him that email is not secure, and while I realize that probably no one cares about my craziness - privacy is still *really* important to me. How else can you be open and vulnerable? (I don't care if someone snoops and finds out I'm in therapy with him, I DO CARE ALOT about private things that I've written getting made public in any way. That's really not acceptable.)

So, I asked that if he's going to email my writing, to just use a fake name for me, please. He was ok with that, and assured me that he didn't *think* my name was actually in the email. OK...

So later, he was talking (again) about how he highly recommends me going to a DBT group. One of my big concerns is that the DBT-T (who I called previously with questions) requires me to sign something so that she can talk to my T. I asked her more about that, and she says that she talks to the Ts regularly to discuss people in group.

Um. That inspires such a strong, visceral NOT GOOD response in me. I told my T flat out, I don't care if she talks to him about anything I say/do in group. That's fine, he's my T, he should be aware and coordinating things, I get that. But I 1000% do NOT want him sharing my private information from individual sessions with this stranger. Just no, there's nothing that feels good or safe about that. No no no no no.

I don't think I'm crazy here, I think that's a really basic tenet of therapy, isn't it?!!?

He does a lot of addictions work, and basically talked about how sometimes putting your stuff out there and sharing it publicly can be really good/healing.

I just feel like he doesn't get it, at all. I feel like I should have known, this has been an issue since the first few sessions (I posted initially about him talking to clients on the phone with his door open, so I could hear quite a bit of the conversation, which he still does.)

I'm just back to feeling like, it's not a good match. I'm not his target demographic. And honestly, I don't get anything from our conversations. I was hoping for some sense of putting things together - for somebody to listen, figure out how the pieces fit together, and then help me see the picture, and how to move towards a better life.

Like SkyscraperMeow posted, instead, I feel worse and worse as I go on. I have more SI issues (I was having very few urges when I wasn't in therapy, and didn't have a problem not acting on them.) I had lost weight, was doing fun things, and basically getting my life working. Not perfect, but working.

But now, I feel like I am spending all my disposable income on therapy, so I'm stressed all the time about bills and money, and don't have money to plan anything fun, let alone do things like house repairs. And, I feel like I'm getting worse - my eating is worse (I've gained back almost all the weight I lost), my SI urges are worse, and I have many more *sui thoughts. My whole life feels worse, and I don't see us actually ever doing anything that makes me feel like I'm moving towards better.

So, I'm back to being ready to quit. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm like.. 90% there maybe. I need to go and get back the book I let him borrow. But I think after that, I might just have to say, "I'm sorry - it's too expensive for what I'm getting." I'd find a way to make the money work, if I felt I were getting something out of it. But I'm not.

I hate therapy.... so so much.

[stopdog]

I tried over 30 and stuck with two who I did not completely despise. The second one is better than the first one and if I was only going to see one, it would be the second one because I don't leave feeling worse. The first one I usually do.
Is it possible to try some others - particularly if you are not this guy's demographic client. I would never let any of them talk to anyone else.
Getting rid of this one sounds like a good plan - is the amount he charges the going rate in your area? It is more than double the rate in the area I live.

[guilloche]

Thank you Stopdog, I appreciate the thoughts.

No, it's not the going rate. It's much higher. I appreciate that he still does his own therapy, he works on himself, he still sees a supervisor (even though he has like 30 years of experience), and he's much less defensive than any of the others I've seen. I don't think he's a bad T, but I'm starting to think it's a bad match - either me and him specifically, or me and therapy in general.

I haven't seen 30... but I think he's like #8 or so, and I've talked to some others. I really find it hard to find good ones. Most of the ones in the past were recommended to me, but still not good. I saw one (for 2-3 sessions) who was VERY defensive. I asked her a question about how she does therapy, and instead of answering, she told me that she had been a therapist for longer than I'd been alive! I can't work with someone who gets that defensive over a simple question.

I saw another for 3-4 sessions that was very pushy. He kept asking about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend (how physical we had been). I told him pretty clearly that I wasn't comfortable with the question (on the FIRST visit!) and he kept pushing and rewording it. That doesn't feel good or respectful or helpful to me.

My T admits he can be a little pushy, but he also has learned from me to back off and not push when I tell him that I'm not comfortable sharing. So, I appreciate that.

I just feel like it's not going anywhere. If it were cheaper, I could see sticking it out and trying, since he's not the worse one I've seen. Or, if he had more experience with dissociative stuff, and understood my stuff better. But I hate that we're never on the same page, and that I don't really feel understood at all.

I absolutely think he's good for some people, and that he's a good guy, but at this point, I just am not seeing much hope that it's going to help me at all . I think I can learn more from reading books and figuring out my own stuff by my self!!! (He joked when I was talking about how badly someone else's T had handled something, I said, "well I'm not a T, but..." and he said, "well, you're sort of halfway there")

I will sleep on it and think more this week. I have to go next week and get my book back, and honestly, I want a good, clean ending - so I'll try to talk to him about it. I think that's something that would make me feel better than just ducking out, since he's really tried to help. But, I just don't know that I want to continue at this point.

Thanks...

[iheartjacques]

My T says if you don't 'gel' then the work can't get done. So if you're seeing someone who doesn't feel like they really 'get' you, then find someone else? It's not about the qualifications or experience or anything like that, I think it's about being able to hear and understand each other. For me being deaf, communication is SO important. I ditched our marriage therapist simply because he couldn't understand me and I was sick of repeating myself or having to condense what I really wanted to say in a few short words. He was good with my husband so I hope my husband continues to see him as an individual T. Then one I see hasn't been qualified long, is probably a couple of years younger, but is of my generation, is married, has at least one child, so he understands the pattern of the school year, the the hard work of a marriage, and understands everything I say and I understand everything he says. He also seems very kind and will just there and take it while I'm going on about something. He even did something that shows he trusts me. So he did say that the 'bond' is what gets most of the work done. Don't feel bad if this person isn't a good fit. Keep trying. Out of about 20 people I've seen, only this one and a past T were great. The others were mediocre. One was really bad.

[ThisWayOut]

I think if you keep feeling liek he's not getting you, it may be time to switch. Definitely advocate that you talk to him though.
I'm sorry therapy has been so difficult for you...
Would you be open to finding a T who is more experienced in trauma and dissociative issues? or are you thinking of taking another break?

[guilloche]

Thanks Iheartjacques and ThisWayOut...

Iheartjacques - That's a good point about "gelling". It's so hard, because there are things he does well... better than any other therapist I've seen. He's done an amazing job at helping me not stay dissociated and miss the entire session, and in getting me talking. He's actually really good at that, and the specialists I saw weren't! But yeah, I don't know if we're gelling at all... if he's getting stuff. I don't know, I just hate leaving and feeling bad

ThisWayOut - thanks. I don't know, you know, I've tried several who were recommended as experts in dissociation/trauma, and they were mostly terrible. I can't wrap my brain around it. It was so disappointing. The exception was the woman who did the consult to diagnosis me - I thought she was AWESOME and my old T had told me that I could see her if I liked her, but, she was busy writing her book and not taking new patients. And, now she's not taking new patients either, she's doing a ton of traveling and teacher (from her website), and frankly I've got all kinds of issues from the way that mess was handled back then (15 years ago!). You know, the whole - "here you go, here's your diagnosis, and now neither I nor your old T can meet with you. Good luck!" That's what it felt like anyway.

I'm thinking of taking a break again, and focusing on the healthy habits that are falling to the side while I'm in T (cooking, healthy eating, exercise, sleep). I've got some activities I'd like to get involved in, and would work on trying to meet some new friends (mine are all gone). And put the extra money towards fixing the things that are falling apart in my house! Basically, I'd get back to having a life

I don't know. I suspect I don't have the guts yet to walk away. I don't know why it's so hard (maybe b/c there's a little voice in my head saying I'm running out of time to fix my stuff, I'm totally nuts, nobody else will put up with me, and I really need to figure it out now!) But, seriously, it would be so much easier if I didn't feel like I was going broke to do it

Thanks for letting me ramble... writing it all out seems to help me alot...