Not sure how to title this.

I started therapy in December 06 for the first time for depression. I have a really nice therapist and I like her, however I am having a very hard time trusting her. 2 weeks ago I was waiting to see her and she came out with a client and my therapist hugged her (from what I could gather it was the woman's last session). For some reason seeing my therapist with this client and than hugging her sent me in a tail spin and after my session, I ran out of her office and cried hard in the car.

I basicly put an even bigger wall up between us since. Monday in session I was very withdrawn and I told her I was going to terminate.
She asked why but I wouldn't tell her, so she said she would give me a few days to see if thats really what I wanted. Tuesday she called me and said she wanted to check on me to see if I was ok and I thanked her for calling and she replied with "Its my job".

The words "Its my job" hit me hard. So I got to thinking about other things she has said like, "I am here to support you and listen, please remember that" and at the time these words meant to me that she cared and that maybe there was a connection between us.

Now I am questioning my interpetation of what she said, instead of meaning that we were connected, now I believe she was/is doing her job by supporting me and listening, and that some how that realization makes me feel like she doesn't care about me and it minimizes our relationship.

This morning she left a message saying that she hadn't heard from me about my decision and she was very professional and again it hit me hard and I want to stick with my original decision about terminating.

I am very surprised and baffled at my behavior with this. I absolutely have no clue why I want to mean something to someone that I only see an hour a week and I pay her for that time.

Yet obviously I am seen as a client and her job.

LOL sorry so long, just this is weird for me.

Bree

((Walk free)) Today my T said "now its bank holiday next monday. Would you like to make another day or leave it?" I can't tell you the rage and betrayal I felt by her saying that. I spent the session arms folded and tears falling.

She said "can you talk about whats going on?" and I did, normally I can't put words to the rage and hurt I feel. I told her I don't like her now. SHe asked why? I said because your taking something away from me, ie, my session and it didnt matter she wsa offering me another, all that registered was what she was doing, or what my head said she was doing, breaking my heart her her? well it felt like she was just walking away unmoved.

I told her this, normally I am to embarrased to talk this deep, and then I said it feels as if shes turned into a monster and I can't find her, the normal nice caring T that I love. She sat quite, and that enraged me more and I sat, then it became clear, it wasn't her it was my step mother withdrawing her love and caring and turning into a monster.

It then felt as if I was waking up and I saw sue my T as who she is, my T and I said "oh I feel as if I've just been in a ghost train and just coming out into the daylight again">

I realised her telling me the normal day for session wasn't avaiable had triggered the rage and deep deep hurt I had suffered many times as a child. I even cried in the car driving home remembering that intense inner torture I use to suffer and I could tolerate the "REAL" relationship again between myself and T. I could tolerate her not being that "Perfect" person. I had put the pain where it belonged.

I hope I've made sense???

Hi Mouse, I like your avatar! Yes what you wrote made sense, I hope I have one of those lightbulb moments to know what is causing my reaction to my T. This therapy stuff is confusing for someone as old as me! LOL Bree

Sometimes when I do something nice for my husband and he thanks me I joke and say, "it's my job" (since I'm a "wife") and I think your therapist saying that and similar is kind of along the same lines? All of us have various "roles" -- one expects a mother to act like a "mother" (whatever that means) and a sister to act like a "sister" or customer service clerk to help the customer, etc. I think a therapist has a certain "job" too but that's not who they themselves are? They're not their role but how well they do their job says a lot about them. A therapist who didn't listen or wasn't compassionate and helpful, etc., no one would think they were a good "therapist".

It's hard but one of the first things is to separate out the job/role from the person. Not all therapists hug, not all therapists hug all people! There's an individual thing there and just like a mother can love all children but doesn't love them the "same" because they're different persons with different personalities, a therapist does the same with each client I think. Your therapist doesn't share the same jokes/stories with you that she does with other clients. It's like with all the people you know in your life; each relationship is different based on you and the person the relationship is with. People only have one-on-one relationships; I'm only talking to you here, Walk Free, even if mouse or anyone else reads it and finds something helpful or objectionable to them. I'm geared, thinking about and commenting to you becuase you are the one who asked the original question/made the original post about your experience. I can't take what you said to mouse as applying to me, even if I totally agree with it because you didn't address it to me, didn't know I was on the horizon :-) weren't thinking of me.

Therapy is like that. Even though we pay our therapists, they don't do their job/role well, interact with us, help us because of that pay; you can't pay someone to "like" you, liking doesn't happen that way. Therapists don't have to take all comers anymore than you have to make "friends" with and like all the people you meet. Therapists enjoy the work they do but you are not that work! You are only You and if a therapist doesn't "like" you they aren't going to work alongside you, helping you. It's hard with therapy because, to a certain extent, we are all "teacher's pet" and that's a hard concept to understand when we want to be "the" teacher's pet. While we're with our therapist we are "the" therapist's special client; your therapist is not thinking about the client she just had or is going to have next, etc. Just as you think of your friend Suzy but are not thinking of your friend Janie at the same time, that doesn't mean you don't love your friend Janie any the less?

I think seeing a T cross a boundary (such as a hug) can tip our senses. Also, wanting a hug from the T can do the same thing at times. Right?

You and your T are early in the relationship.... give yourself time to trust. It's ok if you don't fully trust her right now, she can handle it. Do what you can, but keep going, and sharing all these feelings you're having. (((hugs)))

Hello and welcome to psych Central. Perhaps you mistook the response from your therapist to mean that you mean less to your therapist than you really do. Take it from me that since I work in the community for different organizations I take my job seriously and the people that I help as seriously as well. If it werent for people I would not have a volunteer position in the community, nor would I have the role in life that I have grown to love over time. It sounds as if you are needing a lot of comfort and support at this time, that perhaps you are not getting from your therapist, and you are needing more time to express your concern to your therapist when you have your sessions. Journaling may be a plus in getting the therapy you need at this time, this way you do not feel as left out from not gettting the help you need and deserve from your therapist. There are also support groups NAMI and DBSA, and possibly others in your community, that may be helpful to you as well for the support you are needing at this time. I feel that you are very fortunate to have a therapist that calls you when they feel you need more support, even though you are not feeling like yourself at this time and can not see things clearly as they really are by what your therapist meant by saying that calling you is part of their job. At least your therapist cares enough to call and is compassionate towards your needs, I hope in time you can clearup any misunderstanding you are having with your therapist, and get the therapy you deserve. Glad to have you here at Psych Central. Hopefully in time we will chat in the chat room. If you would like to chat before then please feel free to PM anytime.Tke care and good day. Soidhonia.

WalkFree, welcome to PsychCentral.

I think you and your T have had a misunderstanding and are not too far off track. I think you need some open communication to set things straight. I understand how it can be upsetting to see your T hug another client. I think you should share your upset with your T so you can work through it together.

I am very impressed she called you twice to check on you. I think many T's would not do this, even though we might wish they did. I think she is concerned about you, doesn't know what is going on, and is trying to help and understand. I think the "it's my job" comment may not have been so sinister, perhaps just a way to make light of a compliment from you. I think you should also share with her how you reacted to that phrase.

I think you are not too far off with your T--I hope you can share with her and renew the relationship. It will help with trust.

Take care,
sunny

This is a good thread and I agree wtih all of these posts. As a mom of 3, I have witnessed the rivalry my children feel when they are competing for my attention. My younger sister even chimes in sometimes because I was a mother figure to her. I think this is similar to how you may be feeling about your T right now. I don't even like to think about my T's other clients and prefer to think I'm the only one! Now I know that's not true, but wishful thinking. Our relationships with our t's are special and seeing T intimate with another person can be very painful. Do you think you could discuss this with your T? Especially if you want to keep seeing her, it would be to your benefit. Then you wouldn't have to start over again. By the way, I have often said to my children, that I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't do one thing or another.......My guess is that your T called you because she has no idea why you said you want to temrinate and that she may be just as hurt as you are. It sounds like she cares.

Thank You for all the replies, you have given me alot to think about.

I think the following is ok to share.

The reason I started therapy was because I have dissociative amnesia
which caused the depression. I have no recollection of what traumatic event happened to cause it. When the amnesia first occured I didn't even know my hubby (fiance'). But through his love and support I remember him but he is the only person from my past that I do.

I don't remember any of my family, friends or co-workers...I've had to re-learn my way around my city that I've lived in 35 years. In the beginning there was absolutely no memory of even pets, the only thing I knew was my name.

When I first started therapy I was completely withdrawn and shut down.
Trusting my therapist has been difficult for me because a horn honking, a loud dog bark, can make me forget what I've learned temporarily. If I'm out for a walk and I'm not back in a certain amount of time my hubby comes looking for me.

This is why my therapist has been so available because I have forgotten her and we start from the beginning again and than things make sense again pertaining to her.

Her availabilty and familiarity and only knowing my hubby is what I think is helping to contribute to my behavior concerning her. But I wanted a birds eye view from members here.

It was VERY awkward at my wedding with not knowing my family or hubby's family.

I am sorry I didn't answer sooner but I get very depressed and withdrawn because it's hard not knowing your life. I've had to leave my job because of this and I worked there 25 years.

Sorry so long. Bree

Fear of attachment and rejection can make us do some pretty surprising things. When I was 1st starting out with my T, I was so scared of becoming attached to him that I would contemplate termination so that I could avoid rejection-- it would be on 'my terms.'

In regards to going into a tailspin after seeing your T hug another client-- I can completely understand. I think I would die if I saw my T even stand next to another client, let alone hug one. I have a very idealistic, occasionally distorted view of my T-- to the point in which I have convinced myself (although I know better rationally), that my T has no other clients. It is a very primitive defense, but right now it's keeping me safe, so I'm letting it work for me.

Your T sounds so understanding and willing to work with you. Stick with it.

Walkfree,

This is a great thread! If my T hugged another client in front of me I'd be..... and demand he hug me next <giggle>

It is bad enough that I know he sees other clients both before/after me most times. I make all sorts of judgements about these individuals as well. I know I shouldn't be doing this.

I think 'I'm prettier...or I'm funnier (if he/she made a joke and he responded with a laugh). I guess this is related to my attention-seeking activity.

I so need and want a hug from my T....I don't think it is crossing a boundary though if he does... (sorry Sky!).

Wow I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone with the way I feel about my therapist! I had a session today and she is leaving the 4th for a weeks vacation and as I was getting ready to leave she was going to hug me and I pulled away. (I was thinking, uh not in this life time!)

But yet part of me did want to hug her, I just don't know how to let myself be hugged.

She told me she would check in on me right before she left and once she returned home. I saw a new psychiatrist today and she is fit to be tied that a cat scan or MRI wasn't done 6 months ago to find out if the amnesia was physical or mental. My primary care doctor automatically assumed it was mental, why I have no clue!

So now, I have to go through all these tests. That has added to my anxieties and that is one reason why my therapist is staying in touch.
She's concerned that if I have no contact with her for 2 weeks that we will lose what little trust we've built.

Bree

I'm liking your therapist walk free! Some of need some human emotion ya know?

Argggggggg I am in a tailspin about my T leaving!. My inner child is throwing a tantrum and doesn't want her to leave and yet my adult self wants her to enjoy herself and knows that she'll be back.

I know it's a transference thing I am going through concerning feeling abandoned by my mom.

I have told my inner child to stop and breathe a 100 times today and she is rebellious and won't listen and all she keeps saying is I want my T!. Good grief I never knew therapy with be this hard. Bree