Had a good session except for being afraid of my reaction to T'

I went much slower today, and ironically, when I do, it seems like there's more time. We talked about my wanting to be popular when I was a teenager, and how I need to show compassion for that part who wasn't. We talked about weight and health and not feeling I'm connected to my body. There is a lot to work on that I've never gotten into before.

But, right from the start I was nervous because T looked pretty, and she wore something similar to what she wore at my last session. Not her usual pants or jeans but a skirt, or I guess a divided skirt. I had my eyes closed when she was holding my hand but later I opened them. I was calm but told her she looked pretty and I felt she was "out of my league." She said her looks or mine have nothing to do with her feelings for me.

I don't want that part who was in love with T to show up again! I don't think it's totally transference and it scares me. I know she's attractive and I notice her hair. It's not sexual and I felt fine holding her hand. I don't know what I can do except to accept how she makes me feel. I think it's only when she dresses more femininely. Since we're discussing how I feel about my looks, the comparison to her was relevant too. I don't like these feelings!

Do you ever feel your T is trying to be a nurturing person who is giving you comfort and understanding that maybe you did not get when you were younger?

Fearing those feelings of attraction gives them more power. Reinterpreting those as nurturing not seductive can put them in perspective.

It's ok to have the feelings like you're in love. Real love is a good thing no matter who it's directed towards. No harm, just a sweet feeling. You don't need to fight it. You have a good therapist that understands where the love is coming from. So normal to feel love for a woman that you share your deepest emotions with and so obviously cares about you.

No need to fight the love. Right?

Yes, I know that my T is nurturing but my feelings still confuse me because I react to her appearance.

I know you're right but I'm embarrassed at reacting so strongly to my T's appearance. I've been attached to my former Ts but never felt attracted to them. My T and I talked about this in the past, how it could be real and that's okay. It reminds me of a teenage crush I had on an actress, but my T really is very pretty, especially her hair. I'm having a hard time with my feelings, like I can't breathe.

I emailed my T about my feelings, that they weren't sexual, but sensual and transference. I said I was in love with her hair, and that I feel like she's my beautiful fairy godmother! I said I'm just going to be curious about my feelings and it will be okay. I felt better after sending her that email. I don't think she'll comment about it when she emails back. I also wrote that it was a good session, so she'll comment on that instead.

I want to understand my feelings. Maybe this belongs in the romantic feelings subforum instead? I was distracted in my session, and more nervous because of my awareness of my T's appearance. It was hard because she asked me why I'm anxious. My heart was beating too fast. I'm honest with her but all I could say was "you're wearing black and white again." I don't remember who said what after that. But what I wanted to say was similar to what I wrote in my email, but even more.

I wanted to say: I can't concentrate because I love your hair, and you look so pretty today. My pulse is racing. I'm intimidated by your looks. ( I did tell her that later in the session). I haven't felt this way in a long time, and I think it's because you're not wearing pants, you're dressed up. Usually you look very casual. I don't want to be attracted to you. I don't want to sit here feeling like you're a teenage crush and I'm mesmerized! I know you're the same person you always are. When you had me close my eyes for most of the session, I was fine.

I know you've told me there's a continuum. Is that the word? Maybe my feelings for you are real, and I could be attracted to a woman. You wanted me to accept that could be part of it, and it would be all right. But it's not all right to me. I don't want you to affect me that way.

Yes, I'm fighting my attraction to my T. Hiding behind transference and therapy love. It's a different part of me that I'm afraid of. Could I please have some feedback? Also, holding her hand doesn't trigger these feelings, never has. The touch is safe and warm and reassuring.

Honeatly rainbow, as a gay woman I think this sounds more like a platonic "girl crush" than erotic attraction. The girl crush is a phenomenon specific to tween/ younger teen girls where girls ( straight or gay) develop powerful almost obsessive feelings for an older woman. They will think she is the most beautiful, stylish, smart, accomplished woman, want to be around her constantly, hang on her words...
As a female veterinarian in barns full of girls I have beeN the object of a few girl crushes. It is a sweet, platonic and developmentally normal thing even though the feelings can be intense.
I have also as a young girl had girl crushes and they are not like the crushes I have when i.am erotically interested in someone. I sure don't think . of anyone I want to.have seX with as a fairy godmother. That screams girl crush
Maybe it would make you feel.more in control to know this is just your inner tween coming out

Thank you, BayBrony! You're right. I don't want to have sex with my T, and I do remember my teenage crushes on both men and women. I didn't know much about sex (things were different in my time and environment) yet all I did was daydream about these people! In fact, T and I HAVE talked about the part of me who has a teenage crush on her. The adult part of me gets in the way. That's interesting. I can ask T if we can do IFS with the teenager and separate her from the adult who feels ashamed. I think that might help.

Rainbow, Im a heterosexual women, yet I can really relate to the idea of a "teenage girl crush." I've even had them as an adult. They were always with smart, successful, kind, attractive, bright, well-dressed, confident women. It wasn't so much about wanting to be WITH them sexually as wanting to be around them, to talk to them, to BE them sometimes, to be like them, to look like them, to merge with them, to have them love and want to be around me. A whole host of things that you pretty much mentioned. I'm a huge proponent of IFS, and I think that doing parts work around what is coming up is a great idea. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone-I've experienced this, and I'm sure many other women have too. ::

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Thank you very much, clairelisbeth. What you wrote makes me more sure it's that teenage crush part who is appearing. I emailed my T again and asked if we can do IFS next time because an adult part is judging the teen part very harshly! I want to have compassion for both parts but it's hard. I like IFS a lot! I may send you a PM because there aren't many people to discuss it with on the forum.