Regretting it after the fact... / One week is too long

I wasn't sure if this would be triggering or not, but I wanted to place the icon there just in case.

When I SI, I don't think about the consequences of what I'm doing. I don't think about the marks, the scars, or how it's going to look afterwards. I express no interest in trying to stop.

Early last week I engaged in SI and this included some burning... Now I can see what I have done to myself.... the horrible scabs, the scars that it's going to leave... I have a bandage over it now. Last week in school I was so embarassed.... I mean, here I am in graduate school to be a T and I have SI marks all over my left arm.

I can't possibly start my internship and expect to be a therapist with SI marks in view.

Even when they heal, there will still be scars.

The bad part is that I still don't have much desire to stop... more like move it to a new location.

T asked if there is anything... anything at all that provides the same release.

There is not.

I have am having such a hard time today. It's my first day back to work after a week of school. I hate it here, I f***ing hate it. On previous Mondays, I would at least know that tomorrow I would be seeing T. Not this week. Not anymore. Now I wait until Friday. He told me to call anytime... I can't do it.

I cannot live when my mind is not stimulated. All week at school.... I loved it... running and participating in groups therapy, arguing points, thinking... When I am home I'm reading, working on the new house.... Now... my mind is dull. I start my internship in 2 weeks, thank God... So I will only have to be here 3x per week instead of 5x. I cannot wait until I am out there doing what I am meant to do... I knew this would happen today... that as soon as I walked into my office, I would feel like sh**.

Ugh. Thanks for listening. Is it 4 o'clock yet? Ha. Not even close....

I kind of know how you feel.

Its Monday and I'm back here at school and I'm done with what we are doing in class for the rest of the semester. Our final in here is on the 14th. 2 weeks of sitting here being really bored out of my skull. I thought she said we had another chapter to do but I just asked her and she said no that I could do what I wanted. So here I am.

As for the SI'ing I know what you mean there too...I cut last week and am feeling very guilty about it. Its on my leg so no one can see though I almost wore shorts today but changed my mind at the last minute so no one could see. I am doing my internship next year and can't have cuts when I do that. So hopefully my T and I can work on some other coping skills between now and then.

Jbug

((((((((((((((PS))))))))))))))
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling at this time. I know your schedule is very tight but karate and martial arts both are very good for SI. It allows you a controlling factorial without the harm. I know that for some writing has had a very positive effect on not only the person that SI but for others as well. NAMI and DBSA and other support groups really would like to have more stories about cutting to help others relate to why the cutting is such a controlling impact on their lives. (YOU may not be at a place in your life that you would like to share your experience to help someone else) but it is very postive therapy for some who have had a hard time getting into a recovery mode for SI. Also you seem very positive in wanting to share your life with others here at Psych central for support. I hope the best for you in the future PS. Please try to take care of yourself. Soidhonia

hey. i have scars on my arms too. it does make things hard. especially in summer. on the upside if you are working in air conditioned buildings then i guess you can get away with lightweight long sleeves. i don't work with air conditioning, unfortunately. i feel very self conscious about them. people comment sometimes. i say i had an accident. if they push it i say i was in a car accident. they don't typically ask about my arms because my legs are more salient.

it IS hard.

have you tried holding ice?
and / or scribbling on yourself with a big red magic marker?

I wrote to my T last night and explained why two weeks is way too long, and I wish that could see her twice a week or even just every week, but I know neither of us would be able to schedule that, and insurance would run out, so I asked if I could email her sometimes. She said no, because I don't make good use of the 90 minutes I have (I take a long time getting started, sit there in silence a lot, and shut down before the time is up). I have to learn to talk in session. But I wish it were more frequent, and that I didn't have to drive so long to get there (although I need the thinking time to process).

Therapists can be effective even with scars. My T has scars on her arms. I'm glad when it's warmer and she wears short sleeves, because it gives me hope that she has overcome it. I'd like to ask her how long ago she got past that. I do know that she doesn't do it anymore.

What do you do for your job? I'm jealous that you're starting internship already, and wish that I could start now too.

It wouldn't be the same as having therapy more often, but you can PM or email me if you like. Or there's chat. We could help each other keep things moving in between sessions.

((((Pinksoil))))

I'm so sorry to hear about the rough time. And that you've injured yourself! Please please please try not to do that. I like Soidhonia's suggestion about the martial arts or something. Even really intense exercise classes can provide a lot of relief. I actually exercise 5-6 times a week because I crave the release that I get from it. Something about that endorphin high stops me from being depressed and makes me feel so much better about my life. And it's fun to watch the changes in your body that occur from weight-lifting etc. It's the perfect thing to do before swimsuit season if you're not already into it. And if you ARE into it, try doing it more and see if the release will help some. I know it won't be the same as a SI release (and you have to build up to it with lots of exercise), but it could be an addictive substitute. And it's a healthy addiction.

When you start thinking about SI, come on here and talk to us first! Yes, you definitely don't want scars!!!!!

I hope things get better. My brain isn't being too stimulated by work today either. But I'm feeling stressed at the moment so am glad I don't have to work too hard today.

Take care & get better!

Sidony

((((pinksoil)))) I'm sorry now is such a hard time. Is your providing therapy or something else? I'm sorry it is such a negative right now. If your job doesn't require much thought, maybe you can make it more pleasant by doing some pleasant daydreaming while there. Think about stuff you like. Like your T.

I hate to think of you burning yourself. ((((hugs)))) Can you substitute another activity that releases endorphins? How about going for a nice long run and getting really exhausted?

I'm glad you and your T are grappling with this issue.

I think having been through SI will make you an understanding and effective therapist on this issue when it comes up with your future clients. I know sometimes it helps me to know my therapist has himself been through a divorce--I know he knows how painful it is and can just break your heart. It makes me feel like he really understands. Your past SI will help you with your own empathy for clients. Now, if you can just make progress on putting it in the past. Hang in there. Keep talking to T about it.

((((Pinksoil))))

First, of course you will be a great therapist. Why? Because of the hard work you are doing now. Almost no one goes through life without some scarring whether it is emotional or physical.

and...the therapists who would say they never have, are not therapists I would want to see...

Second, how about kickboxing? Talk about getting out some aggression! Even cardio-kickboxing is good.

Third, I've been off work for over a week. Today is my first day back and I want to quit right now...

You are not alone!

Thank you to all who responded.

Maybe I will try some of that exercise. It's funny because when my husband and I were moving, I was helping him with some really heavy stuff and he said, "Um, honey? I had no idea you were so strong." (I'm a very small person with puny little arms, lol). Lifting provided some sort of release for me. It was keeping my mind off of stuff and my body felt good-- like the agitation was being physically attacked. I liked it. I tried yoga once and didn't like it. Too slow-paced, provieded too much focus on the body. When I have to be mindful of my body, I start getting anxiety. I need something fast-paced, even exhausting.

I'm just having a crappy day back at work. And the reduction of sessions was pretty traumatic to me; I am dealing with it as if we terminated. It was a big loss of sorts, and it's as if I am in mourning for Tuesday because that would have been my session.

Pathetic?

The cuts on my upper arm are healing nicely... There are scars, but they look better. The burn marks on my lower arm look horrific, at least they can be covered by a thick bandaid because they are close together.

I actually can't wait for tomorrow to start my new semester-- internship class and psychological assessment. Something to look forward to. This semester I went through one of the most difficult and longest depressions I had ever experienced (7 weeks). I still made it through my classes, and got A's in each of them. Maybe, even if it is only for two seconds, I can be proud and look back at what I've done.

Pinksoil!

You sound better! Awesome!

Yeah I'm not big into yoga either. Try some high-intensity stuff like step aerobics (my favorite) or maybe kickboxing. Those can be super-intense and you'll get a high out of it once you get used to it (it's hard at first because you have to build up your endurance). Cycling classes are also really intense. You sound like you'd like weight-lifting. It doesn't have the same endorphin effect, but it still makes you feel good. And the physical exhaustion helps with sleeping, etc. My mood noticeably improves when I'm exercising and noticeably decreases when I'm not. I had way less depression after I started it.

Yeah I can imagine it would suck to go down to only once a week for therapy. But you have a great therapist and you'll manage.

Hey, I finally see my therapist again today! I haven't seen him since week before last. I have group therapy tonight and individual therapy tomorrow. Of course all I'm gonna do this evening is whine to the group about my eyeball problem. I hope the group can deal with it. :-)

Sometime I'd like to hear your opinion on group therapy. What people does it help, etc? Just curious what you've learned. It must be so fascinating to study this stuff....

I bet you will be a really good therapist. You have lots of insight, and you'll be able to overcome the SI, etc. I'm sure of it! You will be awesome!

Sidony