[withit]

Anyone else have this? I'm guessing it's more likely to happen in the beginning phase of treatment......last time I talked to t about some negative habits of mine.....and I'm so angry at myself for having let the cat out of the bag....is it cuz I fear she will now be disgusted by me...? and I'm angry at myself for causing her to be disgusted? I want so badly to be fully known, yet then I get angry at myself for kind of 'losing control'....like as if I'm supposed to keep it all inside....and be cool calm and collected.....spilling it all...ohmygod...getting naked kind of.....and I DO look disgusting......aaaaaa.....

hey. is it angry or is it... (at base)... fear?

i'm %#@&#! terrified of some of the stuff i emailed my t. and 'cause i'm scared i get all angry with myself for having disclosed so much.

i think what can be hard about disclosing early is that there isn't this background of trust so it is much harder to try and reassure oneself that ones t will likely take it really well and be pleased that you trusted them enough to tell them.

but then i think what can be hard about savin them up and disclosing later is that one cares a whole heap about what they are going to think of you.

terrifying either way.

i'm proud of you.
take extra special care.

[SecretGarden]

LOL... getting naked... and looking ugly.

I can relate to that in terms of disclosure. It will get easier and more common... YIKES... You can do it.

You are normal in that regard... really .

[withit]

Thanks both for your kind words....my virtual friends....

I was just journaling and it cracks me up when I think of what I was just writing....I was thinking.....what are the things I'm not gonna share with her....remain secret.....lemme have a stash of 'secrets' I will never tell her about.....so what am I gonna have in that stash....? Reminds me of little kids, who, before the playdate arrives....the little 4-year old hides her favorite toys in the closet.....
What is it about self-disclosing to t that makes me so 'fearful'? Is it about losing control? I'm scratching my head trying to make sense out of my 'maladaptive behavior/thinking'.....

[withit]

Still thinking about this anger thing.....Alex, I hear you on the 'fear' factor.....but what is the fear about? And me thinks too that mabye I self-disclosed a bit too soon.....but I needed to see if I can trust her...but maybe I should've chosen something less revealing....Iduno.....I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.....as long as I wasn't self-disclosing I was asking myself what's the point of coming....and then I self-disclose and I wanna run in the other direction.....it's kinda scary to self-disclose......am I in an obsessive mood tonight...? me thinks yes....

> is it cuz I fear she will now be disgusted by me...?

> ..spilling it all...ohmygod...getting naked kind of.....and I DO look disgusting......aaaaaa.....

disgust... is about rejection of things that are 'bad' or 'toxic'. rejection. dislike. withdrawal. hate. indifference.

dunno. but i have a terror of that kind of response...

yeah. 2 sessions ago I told her things, then last session told her I regretted it because I didn't want her to know those things about me. I forget until I'm face to face with her that she is totally accepting of anything I put out there. I forget how good that feels.

[MissCharlotte]

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getting naked kind of..

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I remember telling my T that I felt split open. The feeling didn't last too long. I know the followng week all was ok and I no longer felt so exposed. Like Echoes said, my T is so accepting of anything I say and if I dont want to discuss something I put out there previously it can just wait until the right time! Hang in there.

I remember when a yr into therapy I finally blurted out what I have felt to be my most shameful "secret". I couldn't believe I had done it, but the lead up to this self disclosure was my own needing to be honest. I knew if I didnt find the inner strenght to lay my cards on the table then my therapy would feel dishonest.

I remember the shame I felt and wondered how I'd ever go back to therapy knowing she now knew what I knew. Infact I think I emailed her saying this and she was really very nice and that got me back to T where she made it clear that we now had to talk about this "secret".

I said I didn't think I could, she replied that didn't I feel that therapy was the place where this was ok to be talked about? I wanted to reply NO! but I knew she was right.

Since that time over a yr ago, we have revisited this topic a few times and each time it gets easier, I have gone from crying with my shame and head held between my legs too being able to sit up and mention it.

Sometimes we go weeks where its not mentioned and then it comes back again and I guess each time we re visit, its a different emotional level. I use to think that my "secret" was something that I needed to hide because somehow I was guilty! I know now that there were very different feelings going on underneath and see my own sordid secret as something that is very sad indeed, I guess I am seeing how T always saw it.

((Withit))None of this stuff is easy is it? Thinking of you!