Attachment issues

How do you deal with attachment issues with your therapist? I am really attached to mine to the point where I feel like I can't function without her. I am jealous that she has kids. I see her as a mother figure and I only have appointments every 3 weeks or once a month. I know this is not healthy and I don't want to bring it up to her because I would rather deal with this attachment then have her terminate me. I am terrified of being terminated. I have been seeing her for years but I have read lots of horror stores on here of people who have told their therapists that they were attached and then they were terminated. I am suicidal because of how attached I am in knowing that she'll never be a mother to me and I don't know what to do or how to get rid of this attachment. So my question is how do you get rid of an attachment that you're not supposed to have that's not healthy?

Mine was not as intense as what you describe, but the only thing that worked for me was talking to t about it. Over and over and over. Every time it bothered me, which was on a pretty regular basis. My t was so patient with me!! It was really hard the first time, I was sooo embarrassed, but each time it got a lil easier. I never feared that she would terminate me, I guess I just sorta trusted that she wouldn't. I wish you all the best.

Oh great. Maybe I won't give the letter after all, I don't want to get terminated.

I had a similar kind of agonizing attachment to me first T. It was a kind of suffering that I shudder to remember. We never resolved it because I was seeing her through school and she left her job and I don't think I ever would have felt safe enough to talk to her about it anyway. I actually had an alternate diary that I used to write about it because it seemed too shameful to have in my regular diary. I ripped the pages out after I'd written them and would flush or burn them.

I went on to form many similar attachments over the ensuing years though none was as intense as the first.

I think Cinnamon that the way past this attachment is through it. That is to say that you need to talk about it, you need to try to figure out what it is you need and be gentle with that part of yourself that missed out on some important thing when you first needed it.

I don't think people are terminated BECAUSE of their attachment issues. It's just that it makes termination harder

Yes, I agree with above, although it has been mentioned on here, I think it would be very unusual for someone to be terminated because they brought up attachment issues. Sometimes people leave their t because they can't get over these issues, but I think mostly people can resolve them by talking to their t and moving (slowly ) forwards.

In saying this, I hope I'm not invalidating anyone's experience, or suffering. But its important to bear in mind that issues are often reported on here simply because they are atypical. Attachment is a common issue in therapy, hopefully you and your t can work it out together.
Good luck

I know what I need and its something I will never get.

I can't bring this up with my t.

I have a very strong attachment to my T. I was terrified to talk to her about it so I wrote the simple version in a letter for her to read. It was a whole session. I was so sick while she was reading it but she really helped normalize it for me and reassured me it was okay. I continue to bring it up with her when I find that it starts to occupy my mind. It's so much better for me now that she knows vs. me being so afraid of it. It wasn't easy but the other side of disclosing it is a much better place, at least for me anyway.

Can I ask how you brought it up? What did T say to you? I have tried I even gave him a note at the end of my session, but we have yet to discuss what he thinks. It is hurtful to me that he hasn't addressed my attachment issues. Now I won't see him for a month. I am fearful that he is now pushing me away.

Im afraid that if i tell her I'm attached to her she will not be as caring as she is and stop hugging me and basically just change the way she acts. I don't want to risk it.

I sent it in an email first...and then in the next session mentioned the email and kept saying "you know" and stuff trying to get HER to start the conversation but she wouldn't, she wanted me to, so I think I probably hemmed and hawed and sighed a lot and finally came out with something like "I'm so attached to you and I hate it!" said really fast like all one big long word. I do remember that she took it really well and calmly and asked me why I hated it and we started talking about it. the subsequent times I was able to just say something like I need to talk about that attachment stuff again.

I have had a serious attachment to my T for several years. He fills a void in my heart. I held the feelings from my T for a long time, and then finally spit it out about year into therapy. It was such a great relief to get it out of my system. We talk about my longing quite a bit, and try to find what is really causing my separation anxiety with him. We are both in agreement this anxiety has to do with my upbringing. We just have to go back and figure out what triggers it. It is most likely my disorganized attachment to my Mother. My relationship with my T is steady and stable and I'm glued. It just gets chaotic when I even think about trying to leave him. He has never threatened to terminate, in fact he encourages me sticking with him until I find a way to let it go. The whole process is terribly frustrating and painful, but I trust he is really helping me to figure this all out.

My T didn't change any of that. I was afraid that would happen but for me it didn't.

I am glad that its normal to have an attachment to your t and i know why i do. I just don't want to be attached to anyone. It leads to disappointment.

I don't know if i trust that she won't change or terminate me if i say something.

I became very attached to my T within about a month of meeting with her. I've been with her now for almost a year, usually seeing her once a week. I went through some of the same feelings, but not the jealousy part. There were so many days of downright torturous hell dealing with that attachment thing. And yes, there were times when I thought I could not live without her help.

Just recently, I asked her how I am supposed to feel about her, because I could not take the insanity anymore. In turn, she gently asked me how I felt about her. I was scared to death to tell her, but something came over me and I risked it all-- told her not only was I attached to her, but that I loved her on some level. I thought for sure she would freak out, stop the hugs, or even terminate. Instead, she said she loved me back and was proud that I had the courage to tell her that. With that, my ability to deal with the attachment to her has become much more tolerable (amongst other things).

The moral of my story here is sometimes bringing up super scary, tough subjects have a great outcome. I hope you consider giving it a shot!

Great post! I, too, am quite attached to my T, and I hate it. I wish she would have thought I was brave for telling her things.... but, I've told her a few times I love her, and a few times she said "I love you too." She's now flat out said she won't say that anymore, because it's not genuine. Ouch.

I am so sorry, musinglizzy. I know what you are going through with your T is just awful. Your T has a screw loose (and that's putting it lightly). Always here for you!

I recently told my t that I love her on a therapeutic level. I call it "therapy love". Im just scared of saying I am attached. I am not sure how she will take it. I am considering it though. its scary to put your feelings out there not knowing how someone might take it. We have such a great relationship and she has helped me so much and I just don't want anything to change.

Hugs to you--that is an incredibly hurtful thing for a T to say. I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry Lizzy. I have read all of your posts and what has happened to you is exactly what I am terrified of. I can't imagine how you must feel and I agree your t has a few screws loose. I am here for you also I hope you find some healing.

I think the pain of attachment is better than the pain of abandonment. (I have serious abandonment issues).

"So my question is how do you get rid of an attachment that you're not supposed to have that's not healthy?"

The way I ended up doing it was to have the conversation with my therapist. My other choice was to walk away from that particular pain. Both choices were fraught with fear for me, but I threw caution to the wind and trusted to share it with my therapist. We got through it – together. By the way, I went through the feelings of wanting her to be my mother, and hating my sibling (her kid). We talked our way through all this, and got to the other side.

You and your therapist have a long history, and I hope you give her the chance to hear your feelings. I'm pulling for you, Cinnamon_Stick.

Thank you. I am not sure what I am going to do just yet. Sometimes therapy is tough!

I got over my unhealthy level of attachment to T by becoming aware of how that need fit into my past with my mother and how it wasn't met, then trying to love myself to make up the difference. I know it's hard but there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

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That is really helpful. I know how that need was not met by my own mother and why I need it and I understand that my t's job is not to fill this void for me. I am working on self love. It's a hard thing to accept. I am glad I have someone to talk to like my t.

Omg I just have to say this could have been me writing this right down to seeing her every three weeks two jealous that she has kids and I dont. What I am going to do is write down my struggle with attachment and bring it in. I know I will chicken out if I dont. I too am afraid if I bring it up her only suggestion will be to stop therapy but she is one of the only people I feel comfortable talking with about my life. I have one friend that I feel safe talking to.