...call him to make sure he's still my T. I know... it sounds strange... but this whole once per week thing is killing me. I feel so disconnected from him, I feel like I'm not even in therapy anymore. I only feel like I'm in therapy when I am sitting across from him, on Fridays, from 5:00 to 6:00 pm. Why is it that I feel like such an idiot calling him? Why?

[MissCharlotte]

I so get this right now. Why? because connections don't last and it's painful to keep reconnecting week after week. Why is it painful? Well, isn' that the million dollar question, hmmmm. Maybe it's like an electrical outlet and every time we reconnect it's a shock to our system. We just can't seem to stay plugged in.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way Pink. Maybe you should call again and hear his voice, better yet, call and ask him to call back. Sorry, I sound so acerbic. I'm not in such a good place right now.

Sister

[SecretGarden]

I say why not try to work in an extra visit somewhere every week. You seem to be punishing yourself or something. What is up with that? Connect or not to connect.. How to take care of the self.... hmmmm. Do you think you deserve it? What do you get with the disconnection?

I feel fortunate that my person is now seeing me temporarily weekly. Normally it is every two weeks. At least yours seems to like you. lol.

I asked before but do not think you answered,.... Can you tell us more about your dad... From something you said earlier it seemed like he might have some role in this uncomfortableness. Did you have problems connecting with him? Where is all of this fear coming from....and lack of self preservation? Dig deeper Pink. What is really going on here?

[sunrise]

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Why is it that I feel like such an idiot calling him? Why?

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I have only called my T once between sessions. I'm just too scared of rejection. Maybe the same for you?

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I feel like I'm not even in therapy anymore

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((((pinksoil)))), I know that must feel so terrible. I am really emotional today, cried all the way to work, and when I read your post, pink, I started envisioning that day when I won't have my T in my life anymore. Sometime in the future I will go see my T and it will be our last session, and I will have to say good-bye. I just started crying, here and now, in my office at work. I'm a basket case. I'm dealing with other good-byes right now, and they are seeping over into T-land, not to mention my work. Got to pull it together...

Sorry to derail, pinksoil, why not try just this once to call him? Just this week call him and see how it goes. Then you can compare how that makes you feel to not doing it. Think of it as an experiment.

[lauren_helene]

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Why is it that I feel like such an idiot calling him? Why?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

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sunrise said:
I have only called my T once between sessions. I'm just too scared of rejection. Maybe the same for you?

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Sunrise, Pink, Secret, myself: Well, aren't we all on the same brain wave lately? We're a fine group eh? I'm going through this right now!!

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I feel like I'm not even in therapy anymore

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

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sunrise said:
I am really emotional today, cried all the way to work, and when I read your post, pink, I started envisioning that day when I won't have my T in my life anymore. Sometime in the future I will go see my T and it will be our last session, and I will have to say good-bye. I just started crying, here and now, in my office at work. I'm a basket case. I'm dealing with other good-byes right now, and they are seeping over into T-land, not to mention my work. Got to pull it together.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have been doing this a lot lately too. I'm in mourning and we haven't discussed ending it yet. I just feel like that is where he's steering me. Isn't that the point though? Did we expect this to go on forever? Maybe we need to examine why we aren't ready to start reducing rather than increasing sessions.

What happens if I they don't call me back? What if I just wait until the 18th like originally planned? Right now I feel awful but maybe I should take it one day at a time...

Just some thoughts...

[SecretGarden]

Well I think I asked some good questions but ... yes I have been crying at work today too. Poo... Day two of being back.

Pink... I am sorry for your anxiety over all of this. I think that withholding yoruself of what has been offered to you is yet another form of self harm. I hope you will answer my questions above even if I am a bit bristley today.

Let yourself be nourished Pink... call, set up appts that you can meet during the week.. see if he has openings for different times. Perhaps you need this right now. Self advocate.

[sunrise]

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Did we expect this to go on forever?

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I didn't. I know rationally that I am not near to finishing therapy and my T has never suggested that I am, but pink's post just triggered me due to my fragile state, I think.

I think I'm just having major transference, outside of therapy. I am ending a marriage, a big good-bye, and am upset about that and that made me think ahead to saying good-bye to T also. It's too much.

Is there a room here on PC where we can just go and cry?

[SecretGarden]

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sunrise said:
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Did we expect this to go on forever?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I didn't. I know rationally that I am not near to finishing therapy and my T has never suggested that I am, but pink's post just triggered me due to my fragile state, I think.

I think I'm just having major transference, outside of therapy. I am ending a marriage, a big good-bye, and am upset about that and that made me think ahead to saying good-bye to T also. It's too much.

Is there a room here on PC where we can just go and cry?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I loved this post. I know that my T will not last forever ... though I have already be in forever..lol... but I am not done with my journey. I feel that giving up at this juncture would be like giving up on myself.

I would like a crying room as I feel like people are tired around me of seeing/hearing it. I am tired of it too...but I am in the middle of it....

[lauren_helene]

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sunrise said:
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Did we expect this to go on forever?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I didn't. I know rationally that I am not near to finishing therapy and my T has never suggested that I am, but pink's post just triggered me due to my fragile state, I think.

I think I'm just having major transference, outside of therapy. I am ending a marriage, a big good-bye, and am upset about that and that made me think ahead to saying good-bye to T also. It's too much. Is there a room here on PC where we can just go and cry?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

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SecretGarden said:
I loved this post. I know that my T will not last forever ... though I have already be in forever..lol... but I am not done with my journey. I feel that giving up at this juncture would be like giving up on myself.

I would like a crying room as I feel like people are tired around me of seeing/hearing it. I am tired of it too...but I am in the middle of it....

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Alright then, it is unanimous. We need a crying room, tissues, comfy couches with plenty of ottoman's so we can stretch out and how about some movies? Like...what are the favorites? For me it would be the Rocky DVD set...that is the Philly in me and besides it is inspirational! Any thoughts?

[SecretGarden]

Pink I think we highjacked your post. I am sorry.

Perhaps we can start another on group support?

[sidony]

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sunrise said:
Just this week call him and see how it goes. Then you can compare how that makes you feel to not doing it. Think of it as an experiment.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is a great idea! Do it pinksoil!!! I know, I have a hard time calling my therapist too, but it sounds like it would help you. Maybe you could leave a message and then just let him leave a message for you in return if you're uncomfortable about talking to him on the phone. That way you have his voice for a few days and can feel more connected. But you've got plenty of reason to call and talk to him. Leave him a message about how disconnected you feel and talk to him for just a few minutes.

Today my therapist thanked me for leaving him a message last week. I hadn't asked him to return my call or anything but wanted him to know how things were going that day. I'm glad that he liked getting that message. I bet your therapist would like a message from you too!

Sidony

[SecretGarden]

I like the experiment idea too....

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
...call him to make sure he's still my T. I know... it sounds strange... but this whole once per week thing is killing me. I feel so disconnected from him, I feel like I'm not even in therapy anymore. I only feel like I'm in therapy when I am sitting across from him, on Fridays, from 5:00 to 6:00 pm. Why is it that I feel like such an idiot calling him? Why?

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(((Pinksoil))) I'm with you. Sorry I hijacked your post with my group hug stuff. Gosh we are so alike on this issue. I'll bet though if you want to go back to twice per week, your T won't bat and eye and give you the healthy vs. unhealthy dependence speech. Or ignore your calls for help either. I guess mine believes in this tough love stuff and your T is more empathetic. Remember mine believes in 'feeling the pain' which sometimes yeah its fine but times like this week? No so much.

I need a little more emotional holding than this. I think your T handles you very well and you both have a solid alliance. I'm just in a crappy mood. I still love my T and next time I see him, whenever that is, I'll feel better until 45 min is up!

I came up with a chart to document my moods, thoughts, behaviors based on moods and thoughts, physical feelings and action(s) to resolve. I just started it yesterday. Maybe this will help us between sessions. Maybe over time we'll be able to analyze the data better. I have three journals all in different stages and different places. This chart is in ONE PLACE.

First, it's okay if you guys hijacked my thread a bit. If it helped you to some insight or caused you feel your emotions, then it's worth it.

However, I am still sorry it made you feel bad, Sunny. I hope you are doing okay.

Secret, I am quite attached to my dad. We are close, and I have horrible anxiety about him not being here one day. Although he lives in NY and I'm in Philly now, we remain close. However, I do recognize that I have a very idealistic view of him, and have an extremely hard time getting angry at him, even when I know he did something that should otherwise make me mad. I transfer my dad stuff onto my T all the time. Just like with T, sometimes I want to push away the relationship with my dad so it won't hurt so bad when one day he's not here anymore. He's 65, and his health is pretty good... just diabetes and high blood pressure... it's not like he's dying or anything, but this is just how I get.

I was trying to figure out why I don't want to call T. I know that it's not because I don't want him to think I'm a needy %#@&amp;#!-- he already knows that. Nothing to hide there. So I figured out a couple of reasons. Secret, you were right on when you said it's another form of self-harm--punishing myself by not calling. Interestingly enough, I am very close to calling him, and I SI'ed a bit tonight-- one harm in exchange for another. I also do not call because the disconnect is so bad that even if I stay on the phone with him for 5 minutes, right after I hang up, the disconnect is back. Worse, I think. You know how sometimes the minutes immediately following a session are the most painful? That's how it will feel when I hang up the phone with him.

I HATE THIS.

And sometimes I hate him for this.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
However, I am still sorry it made you feel bad, Sunny. I hope you are doing okay.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
It's OK, pinksoil. Your post was fine. (((hugs))) It happened to catch me at a fragile moment.

Did you end up calling your T? I was thinking if you called, you would be breaking the "no calls after 10 pm" rule. Hope it went well.

Hahaha, you remembered that. He made up that "boundary" for me, but we were only joking.

Well, I was pretty close to calling, but I actually took my meds, and ended up falling asleep on the floor. Those things kill me; I am no match for 750 mg of Trileptal. I think I am going to call a bit later when I get into work, although I hate leaving a msg. during the daytime. I never have. I always call at night. Just one of those things....

[sunrise]

OK, pinksoil, hope you make that call. I'm sorry your meds are knocking you out like that (unless they are supposed to).

Earlier this morning I called my T and left a message to ask for an additional session. It is only the second time I have ever called between sessions, and I have never asked for an extra session. I guess I am being brave, or I guess I really need the extra time with T, or something! I also called my lawyer and left a message to set up a phone conference. I'm just a busy girl on the phone today. Hope these folks call me back. Soon. And say yes.

You are brave.

I didn't make the call. If I don't make it today, then I'm not going to make it at all because tomorrow is the day before therapy. So it would be kind of pointless to call him the day before to make sure he's still my therapist. I can find that out on Friday, lol.

I am pathetic. Weak, even.

[SecretGarden]

Have you realised how strong you will need to be to be a therapist? You are strong Pink.... just transfer this to your goals of being a therapist and doing what you need to do.

And yes there is a connection with your dad and your T... so perhaps you are finally getting angry with your "dad."

Could be anxiety producing and hard to face....eh? Might even wish to avoid it.....though you seem to be doing alright IN therapy. Yes?

[SecretGarden]

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pinksoil said:
You are brave.

I didn't make the call. If I don't make it today, then I'm not going to make it at all because tomorrow is the day before therapy. So it would be kind of pointless to call him the day before to make sure he's still my therapist. I can find that out on Friday, lol.

I am pathetic. Weak, even.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Does not matter... Call him....TODAY. or don't... xoxo

I know it is rough Pink... let yourself do it.

[sidony]

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pinksoil said:
I didn't make the call. If I don't make it today, then I'm not going to make it at all because tomorrow is the day before therapy. So it would be kind of pointless to call him the day before to make sure he's still my therapist. I can find that out on Friday, lol.

I am pathetic. Weak, even.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well I can empathize anyway. I was thinking of calling my therapist earlier and thought about the fact that I just saw him yesterday. But I also know that it would still be okay to call anyway. So I might. I'm just as weak I guess. I mean, it's not like he's ever complained that I was calling too often. I mean, 3 times maybe, between sessions. And yet it's still hard....

Sidony

[SecretGarden]

Hi Pink... just wanted to say... it is o.k.... You will find your time. Do not give yourself too much grief. There is always another week.... and in time.... you will call. Take care... Hope you have a good session tomorrow.

[sunrise]

Well, I called my T this morning, and he never called back. Sigh. You can bet I'll never do that again.

[SecretGarden]

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sunrise said:
Well, I called my T this morning, and he never called back. Sigh. You can bet I'll never do that again.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sorry Sunrise.... I am sure it will be a matter for discussion... or hope you will talk about it or he will. (((Sunrise)))

I've never called my T because I know as soon as I hear her real voice the fantasy that is going on underneath is burst! its like when I first enter the room with her, the seeing her bursts the pretend soothing stuff going on in my head then I feel angry at her for doing that to me, for becoming real!! email contact is ok coz its partly her but still partly fantasy.