[justdesserts]

My marriage is not healthy and the longer I'm in therapy, the more things I discover that I would like to be different about myself and my life. As I've changed, my partner has not and in many cases has dug his heels in and refused to look at our marriage at all. It's complicated things quite a bit. Because of the changes I've made, my husband really doesn't like my therapist and sometimes calls him names and makes snide comments about petty things. At the same time, I think my therapist thinks that I'm in an unhealthy marriage and would like to see things change for me at home, although he would never say so directly.

Have any of you ever been in a situation where your partner or your family didn't like your therapist? Or didn't approve of the changes you were making in therapy? What did you do? What about if your therapist thought your family was unhealthy, but you couldn't leave? How did you deal with that? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.

I'm sorry that your husband seems jealous of your therapist and is unsupportive of the growth you've made in therapy.

My SO gets quite irritated with how much I talk about my T (I've all sorts of transference) because I sound like a child pining for a nurturing figurem

However, they has been very supportive of my growth in therapy. They even encouraged me to stick in therapy when I wanted to run away because I was getting attached to my therapist.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

My marriage is not healthy and the longer I'm in therapy, the more things I discover that I would like to be different about myself and my life. As I've changed, my partner has not and in many cases has dug his heels in and refused to look at our marriage at all. It's complicated things quite a bit. Because of the changes I've made, my husband really doesn't like my therapist and sometimes calls him names and makes snide comments about petty things. At the same time, I think my therapist thinks that I'm in an unhealthy marriage and would like to see things change for me at home, although he would never say so directly.

Have any of you ever been in a situation where your partner or your family didn't like your therapist? Or didn't approve of the changes you were making in therapy? What did you do? What about if your therapist thought your family was unhealthy, but you couldn't leave? How did you deal with that? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.

Issues with my husband are ultimately what brought me into therapy to begin with. I did not tell him right away, so when I did (a couple of months later), he was royally P I S S E D. That I lied to him, kept something from him.... well, I didn't think I'd stick it out, so didn't want to tell him just in case I ended up quitting after a few sessions. He was furious with me, but he got over it. A few months in, he actually joined me for one session, and he actually talked.

Honestly, I think my H is threatened by my T. He never says anything, and he knows I still go twice a week, but I think he's feeling threatened at just the thought that I'm going to therapy. Like if he does something, I actually have someone to go tattle to about it or something. We get along just fine...as roommates. We sleep on separate floors. I never intend to sleep with him again (it's been over two years). Right now I'm just coasting. I don't see being married to him forever. But that's how my H seems to feel about therapy.... I really think he feels a bit intimidated by it.

[justdesserts]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

.

Honestly, I think my H is threatened by my T. He never says anything, and he knows I still go twice a week, but I think he's feeling threatened at just the thought that I'm going to therapy. Like if he does something, I actually have someone to go tattle to about it or something. We get along just fine...as roommates. We sleep on separate floors. I never intend to sleep with him again (it's been over two years). Right now I'm just coasting. I don't see being married to him forever. But that's how my H seems to feel about therapy.... I really think he feels a bit intimidated by it.

I think my H feels threatened, too, but I don't know how to help him. I think he's jealous that I have a close relationship that I can share my feelings with someone in, and it's not him. Do you know how your t feels about your H or your marriage? Does your t encourage you to make decisions one way or another?

[justdesserts]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I'm sorry that your husband seems jealous of your therapist and is unsupportive of the growth you've made in therapy.

My SO gets quite irritated with how much I talk about my T (I've all sorts of transference) because I sound like a child pining for a nurturing figurem

However, they has been very supportive of my growth in therapy. They even encouraged me to stick in therapy when I wanted to run away because I was getting attached to my therapist.

This is good to hear. I'm glad your partner can stand with you and be with you through the hard things, including transference. Thanks for sharing.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My S.O. used to be jealous of my T. I started therapy and started seeing a Pdoc again 2 years ago. He thought the the meds would change who I am and the T would tell me to leave him (he was very controling and verbally abusive). He thought that me talking to a T would be me keeping aecrets from him or speaking badly about him behind his back. He was also jealous that I had someone to talk to and he didn't. When I became really attached to my T he was afraid that I loved her and trusted her more than him (I did). And it would upset him when I would come home upset from therapy because he didn't understand how that could be helpful.

But it's been two years now, and he has since come around. He now encourages me to go to therapy. He even pays for my therapy now! I think what made the difference was being transparent with him. I always tell him what happens in my sessions. He likes it because he learns from it, and he feels a part of that area of my life even though he's not present. He has seen how therapy has helped me, which in return has helped him not have to worry about me as much. He also knows that I have the ability to love him and another person at the same time.

I don't know if that helps you any or if it could even apply to you. But transparency is what helped in my relationship.

[justdesserts]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

My S.O. used to be jealous of my T. I started therapy and started seeing a Pdoc again 2 years ago. He thought the the meds would change who I am and the T would tell me to leave him (he was very controling and verbally abusive). He thought that me talking to a T would be me keeping aecrets from him or speaking badly about him behind his back. He was also jealous that I had someone to talk to and he didn't. When I became really attached to my T he was afraid that I loved her and trusted her more than him (I did). And it would upset him when I would come home upset from therapy because he didn't understand how that could be helpful.

But it's been two years now, and he has since come around. He now encourages me to go to therapy. He even pays for my therapy now! I think what made the difference was being transparent with him. I always tell him what happens in my sessions. He likes it because he learns from it, and he feels a part of that area of my life even though he's not present. He has seen how therapy has helped me, which in return has helped him not have to worry about me as much. He also knows that I have the ability to love him and another person at the same time.

I don't know if that helps you any or if it could even apply to you. But transparency is what helped in my relationship.

Thanks. This does help. I don't think my H thinks my T will tell me tell me to leave him, but he does know T has different opinions than he does and it really bothers him. I've been in therapy for 2 years now, and it's getting worse. I hope my H can come around bc I am afraid if he doesn't there's going to be a big battle.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by justdesserts

Do you know how your t feels about your H or your marriage? Does your t encourage you to make decisions one way or another?

My H, I think, could care less that I don't share my feelings with him. He's never really been receptive to that anyway. My T read him a lot in that one session. Firstly, she does believe he loves me in his own way. Yeah, she is probably right. As much as he knows how to love I guess. But she also said he had an "Asperger's syndrome-like feel" to him.

My T is also a divorce coach, but she does not encourage me one way or the other on what to do. She already knows what I feel in my heart, that someday I probably won't be married to him anymore, but she doesn't push that at all, and knows that if I do something, it will be when I'm good and ready, which could take years. I don't think it's their job to encourage people one way or the other in something like this, and my T does exactly what I think should be done by all... just supports me in however I feel. The reason I don't think they should encourage people is that they often only have one side of the story. My T does couples counseling, but she will not take us both on, as I've already got a relationship with her and there could be a chance she may have a bias. I think that's great, and responsible for her to think that way. She said if we ever did attempt MC together, she would give us referrals, but she thought it was important that I keep seeing her individually. I guess I may change my opinion on what T's should do/say if the husband was abusive in some way.

[iheartjacques]

I don't talk too much about it. Sometimes I tell him things I've talked about. But he says I'm getting better so maybe it's not affecting him. They have met, once.

[nottrustin]

H has always been wonderful when it comes to T. He has always been very supportive Before T when my I would shoot down our talked about my pray he didn't know how to help me. Now when I have a bad day I can voice what I need from him or at least say what is going on. When I come home from a session he will ask how it went. I will tell him if it was good or painful. Her know eventually I will probably reveal more. I won't tell him everything by any means but something. The one time he got upset about the whole thing was when I asked him to go with me. He agreed but was nervous I was going to leave him. He didn't tell me until after the fact. T and I had planned to meet alone for the first 10 minutes of the session to be sure I still wanted to go through with telling h about something horrible from my past that I had told anybody else. I was a painful but good session. Hubby realized t was sensitive person who was beer protective of me. Oh and in another session she told me I couldn't answer questions for H because I started to. H thought it was funny because when I would start to answer for him she would say "I didn't know your name was h"

I'd imagine someone like that would have similar feelings about their others half's friends/work colleagues, anyone that isn't 'them'.
My husband is respectful of anyone in my life.

Initially, my husband was jealous of my T. My husband has BPD and felt very threatened by my time with my T. He was supportive of the idea of therapy, but jealous nonetheless. I invited him to go meet my therapist and have a session with him himself (fully knowing he would like him and probably start therapy himself with him-- which he really needed to do). That is what happened, and it worked out beautifully for us both.

Originally Posted by justdesserts

My marriage is not healthy and the longer I'm in therapy, the more things I discover that I would like to be different about myself and my life. As I've changed, my partner has not and in many cases has dug his heels in and refused to look at our marriage at all. It's complicated things quite a bit. Because of the changes I've made, my husband really doesn't like my therapist and sometimes calls him names and makes snide comments about petty things. At the same time, I think my therapist thinks that I'm in an unhealthy marriage and would like to see things change for me at home, although he would never say so directly.

Have any of you ever been in a situation where your partner or your family didn't like your therapist? Or didn't approve of the changes you were making in therapy? What did you do? What about if your therapist thought your family was unhealthy, but you couldn't leave? How did you deal with that? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.

I've been having problems in my marriage for a little while now. My h doesn't express any feelings either way about my therapist, but he does make snide comments sometimes about how much therapy costs. Things are not rosy in my marriage at the moment either; he refuses to go to couples counseling, and I have been thinking about divorce for the past couple months. I haven't talked to t about it, because we aren't having regular appointments anymore and scheduling one just to talk about this, I think will make it all too real. And I don't know if that's what I really want!! I have not mentioned the idea to h at all. And then there's our son to think about. The biggest problem in my marriage right now is that my husband does not respect my feelings. It seems like he would be happy if I went back on the meds that dulled my feelings and turned me into a robot, that I was on when I was still battling depression. Sorry to blather on so much. I just so relate to your post right now.

[Ellahmae]

My spouse is jealous of my relationship with T, doesn't understand why I can trust a "stranger" more than my husband. However, he is patient and supportive. Just wishes I could trust him more. I'm not sure what I want in my marriage or life right now at all. My whole definition of love has changed. T thinks my husband is a good support for me right now and that since I am married he is a good choice at the moment with his support, so I guess in a few years when I'm stable again we'll see. For now though I'm just focusing on me and he's supportive and I guess that's all I can ask for even if his jealously is somewhat annoying at times.

[gayleggg]

I think my husband is jealous of the relationship I have with my T, too. He gets especially defensive if I mention we talked about him. He's supportive of my going to therapy but doesn't like for us to talk about him, which is a big part of what we talk about because my relationship with my husband is lacking in many ways, so I just don't share what I talk about in therapy and that seems to make things just fine.

[mira belle]

I am afraid to tell him i go...he knows i went a few times....then stopped. i have started again without him knowing yet.

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

T thinks my husband is wonderful and that she wouldn't have anyone else for me right now to be with

I don't want to sound critical of other people's Ts, but I would not like to hear that kind of thing from a T.... especially not if I were reconsidering what marriage is about, and the nature of love, and things ike that. (Which I am, very much, and so I guess this hit close to home for me.)

Originally Posted by mira belle

I am afraid to tell him i go...he knows i went a few times....then stopped. i have started again without him knowing yet.

My husband also doesn't know, and I don't plan to tell him... just because you are married to somebody it doesn't mean that you have to report everything to them.

[Virginia1991]

I am fortunate. I am a female and my wife is supportive. She is a t herself so I believe she understands and backs off as needed to help me so I can figure out my own journey. She urged me to start therapy for years and years and I finally did two years ago. It has been way harder than I thought and it has opened up some big wounds that we both didn't expect but in the end I hope I will be better for it and in return our relationship will grow. But therapy in general can be hard on relationships I think.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I don't want to sound critical of other people's Ts, but I would not like to hear that kind of thing from a T.... especially not if I were reconsidering what marriage is about, and the nature of love, and things like that. (Which I am, very much, and so I guess this hit close to home for me.)

I understand where you're coming from, but I think more of what she says, is that since I am married that he is a good support. She has met with him at my request to explain some things that I wanted him to know but couldn't say. So she knows his feelings for me and where he stands on his side of things in concern for me. I often talk about love in marriage and since I'm at a lack of understanding for that term right now we leave it be as that isn't at the top of our 'to discuss and figure out list' at the moment. She's just grateful he's supportive because he could not be and could make all of this a lot harder than it currently is.

[stopdog]

She has her own therapist. The only distressing part I know of is my partner's unfortunate tendancy to express sympathy for the therapist.

[Petra5ed]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation in that I'm in therapy and my husband is not (for the most part). I think it does make things difficult when one party is changing and growing and the other is not.

I decided from day 1 not to mention my therapist or my therapy much when I'm at home. For whatever this is worth, I recommend this. I'm sure if I talked about my therapist as much as I think about him (all the time) my husband would be hurt by it. Actually I've gone out of my way to downplay his importance to me... recently for example I told my husband I thought a large part of why I even needed therapy was just to have someone that would talk to me. This is partially true, although my therapist is anything but "just someone" to me. But, since I said this I've noticed a small improvement in my husband initiating conversations. When I'm angry with my therapist I've brought that up with my husband as well. I guess the point being I don't want my husband to feel threatened or outdone by my therapist.

I'm not sure it's good therapeutic practice for a therapist to weigh in on whether your relationship is "good" or "bad." Mine certainly hasn't. There are aspects of my marriage that are good and aspects that aren't so great. I think my therapist would support me if I decided to divorce, and he would support me if I decided to keep working on things.

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

I understand where you're coming from, but I think more of what she says, is that since I am married that he is a good support. She has met with him at my request to explain some things that I wanted him to know but couldn't say. So she knows his feelings for me and where he stands on his side of things in concern for me. I often talk about love in marriage and since I'm at a lack of understanding for that term right now we leave it be as that isn't at the top of our 'to discuss and figure out list' at the moment. She's just grateful he's supportive because he could not be and could make all of this a lot harder than it currently is.

It sounds like your T does the right thing for you. I'm glad

[ThisWayOut]

I had one ex who was incredibly jealous of me being in therapy. She believed she should be able to be my everything, and I shouldn't have to seek support outside of the relationship. I know she was incredibly insecure in herself, but also carried the negative view of therapy from her experiences growing up as the child of a (very judgemental and strict as a mom) PDoc... She believed only "really crazy people" went to therapy. I ended up stopping therapy for a while because it was easier to do than to have to deal with her anxiety around me going. I wasn;t particularly comfortable with the therapist I was seeing at the time anyway, and felt at a place to take a break.

My wife was a bit uncomfortable for a while because she is pretty insecure. She was worried T was telling me to drop her. Though she was also in therapy at the time we met, she wasn't getting much benefit from it (I believe it was mandated by her work, though not 100% sure). She has since learned more of why I'm in therapy, and really appreciates that I have extra support. She has also found a therapist herself whom she feels comfortable with. We've gone to couple's counseling recently, though it was more to tackle some traumatic stuff we went through together and how that effected us as a couple...

Transparency helped a lot with my wife, but not so much with my ex...

[baseline]

My H would rather me talk to T SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME. Funny how I could be the only one that should seek help and change. It must be nice to be so perfect. It makes going seem futile even though he has come a few times to humor me. So sad he don't get it!

He does not like that I go to therapy and I would not have told him ever, but he gets the insurance statements and I can't hide it from him because of that. If I could pay privately I would.