between session contact…again

Sorry if this is well worn topic for all of you.

I'm struggling because I've a hard session and having trouble between sessions after opening Pandora's box of past events. CBT T sent me a very confusing message today in session. He wants me to occasionally reach out to him after a bad session and email him. But then he put a TON of exceptions/qualifiers around this. Don't do it over safety issues. Don't come to expect it. Don't expect a reply within 24 hrs. Don't do it too much. Don't get too dependent. But I want you to do this anyways.

So confused. I really need a T who can be there for me but he seems hypervigiallant against any neediness from me.

Which hurts, because in general I only contact him when we've agreed to touch base. I feel like I've held back a tsunami of neediness. He has no idea.

There are lots of good things in this working relationship. He's definitely one of the warmer T's I've ever had. Part of me worries that he isn't 100% right for me, yet better than many out there.

Open to any ideas thoughts experiences-thanks!

My general approach would be to check out some others and see what could be out there that is or is not better for you. I would check out several before deciding anything. It is not personal against the one you are seeing - it is a business arrangement and if it is not still working well for a client, I think a client should check out other options. Granted, I always enjoyed checking them out.

I wouldn't like that. Did you by any chance tell him he's hard to understand? I'd want to nail down what his intentions are with this maze of guidelines.

I emailed him not long ago that I can't reconcile "email when you need me" and "don't get too dependent on me."

Ugh. I'm guessing he didn't reply...

If it was confusing to me and anxiety-provoking (in a non constructive way) I would say no.

I wouldn't want to be afraid of crossing one of his boundaries....there seem to be many! ..I wouldn't want to do it to people-please him. He would need to clearly explain his request and how it would benefit me.

lol good point. But it hasn't been that long. Like he said, nothing expected within 24 hrs necessarily. fair enough.

Oh, sorry I probably wasn't clear. He was asking me today why I didn't just "write down" what was bothering me and bring it next time? I told him that in this case on that particular day, writing things down would make things worse, make me dwell on stuff more. I told him that I am tired of dealing with my pain alone and short of stuffing things away, that interaction with an actual person is the only effective coping strategy for me right now.

That's when he tentatively offered the email thing.

I want you to have my t (((growly)))

You and your T are a perfect team. Wouldn't break that up!!! But thanks for the offer!!!!

*offers hug* Sigh, unclear boundaries (you can email me, but don't get dependent!) sound really stressful.

Well, he answered my email. He compared my using him as support to only relying on one channel for news. I know it isn't sustainable, but I don't have much else right now. When it comes to dependency , he is really pushy about making sure I'm not depending on him too much. Long term I get this, short term, what else do I have.

Cheez he doesnt realize youve got your own personal satellite station!!

Eta i mean us

laughing through the tears Hankster! Always appreciate your humor.

Wrote that joke just for you bub. Ten dollars please!

Comedy doesn't pay like it used to!

(((Growly)))
I think if my T subjected me to all those conflicting rules I'd tell him to feck off with himself and his conditional emails.


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I don't understand why he is giving you these rules before you even emailed him. My t told me i can call any time. I don't. Only for scheduling occasionally. But if she said you can call any time but here are the rules for calling, . I'd be mad!

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If you're paying cash, I'd be tempted to tell him not to count on it all the time, that you don't want him to think you're his sole source of income. Maybe he'd understand then that dependability isn't such a hideous thing after all.

Honestly...you probably like this guy, and that's fine if you find him helpful, but I want to smack him around for you.

Yeah, unclear boundaries are confusing. Mostly referring to my MC here, of course...

But also my T says I can e-mail her whenever, though she doesn't usually respond. I don't see her this week, since she's out a few days. I sent her a couple e-mails last week after our session, including one that said if she got any cancellations for the day she'd be in to call me. Then I sent her something Monday (a day she was in the office--I saw her!) after an emotional session with MC. I guess I thought I'd hear *something* back from her. Even just a "thanks for sharing, hang in there, let's talk about that next week." But nothing. I guess she knows from the past that if I'm in real distress, I'll call her. It still would be nice to get some sort of acknowledgment. I'd bring that up next week if I didn't have a million other things to talk about!

I can see why your T doesn't want to be your only source of support. But it does seem odd he's setting all the limits before you even start e-mailing him. I mean, if you were e-mailing him 5 times a day, and then being like, "Why aren't you writing back?" 10 minutes after you sent an e-mail, then I could see him setting limits. But saying all that before you even send him an e-mail seems like overkill. I suspect he doesn't usually e-mail with clients, so he doesn't know what boundaries to set. He should at least give you a chance though!

That could be it, although I really hate the word boundaries when it's just more like what people do in real life when they say what they want/don't want from others. And yes, he could give the emailing a chance without anticipating violations of his code.

My therapist is on vacation, but she said she'd be glad to reply to any emails I send, adding they would be short and probably very delayed, but that she would be glad to do that. She did not make a big deal out of it. I hope yours can ease up a bit and get over himself. It's not wrong to want communication when you're struggling.

I think I get his point, but he's not making it easy is he. If he doesn't want you to depend solely on him, I'd hope you two could work out a gameplan, concrete gameplan, and then he would specify how much contact was okay, once a week, for example, not do the whole jumping through flaming hoops thing.

This is totally confusing. And a little hurtful.

I felt the same way when I asked my ex-T if I could still call her if I really needed her (when she was in the process of tightening her "boundaries") and she said "don't call me on Christmas." Like she needed to tell me that even though I rarely called her without it being prearranged and OFFERED by her first.

The contradictiry messages are confusing, esp when not clearly laid out. I wish people would be either more specific or put less qualifiers. I like more specific guidelines so I don't have to worry how much is too much. If I worry too much about asking for too much, it makes reaching out impossible.

Would you feel comfortable emailing him about stuff at this point?

Thanks, and yes we've been e-mailing back and forth. I don't think he realizes he is confusing me although I told him he was. He thinks my one of my core issues is being able to enjoy support without constantly worrying about losing it. That part makes sense. Te qualifiers are weird to me because I haven't abused contact between sessions.

Even on day 1 of seeing him he said that his phone number "wasn't a hotline" and I had only just met him!! I hadn't started seeing him yet at that point.

He is helpful in many ways. This is one of my biggest issues w/him however.

I wonder if he is being particular with email because he experienced an issue with a previous patient?

For example, my T told me she would appreciate me not looking up extra information about her online that did not have to do with her qualifications, etc. (She didn't want me googling for her home address, etc.) Later she told me she had been stalked...and not in a "I want a closer connection with my T way." Then, that made sense to me.