[notwithhaste]

I feel enormously blind-sided and hurt.

My T and I had a really difficult few months, which almost resulted in my T referring me out, but we both felt like we had a breakthrough, right when things were about to explode, and we have been re-connecting. I really love my T and feel powerfully attached to her. To me, she’s the mother I never had.

But I feel very hurt because, recently, it seems like everything is changing.
1. She used to promise that she wouldn’t leave me. Now she says that she shouldn’t have made that promise – that she made it with good intentions, and she wanted to be able to keep it, but she can’t make promises like that to me.
2. When my T went on vacation last year, she touched base with me over the phone TWICE – her offer – and even spontaneously texted me on my birthday (it fell during her vacation). She did forget to call at the appointed times, though, and she said that in order to avoid that in the future, we’d have to brainstorm to come up with a better system. The implication was that we would continue to keep in touch over vacations. But this year, leading up to her vacation, she didn’t say anything about touching base. I brought it up myself, thinking maybe she just forgot, and it turned out that she’d actually changed her mind entirely – behind my back, didn’t discuss it with me, didn’t think to tell me about it at all. I felt very hurt…and she did apologize to me. She said that she understood why how she handled it was hurtful.
3. But NOW, something else has changed! In the past, I could always ask my T for a longer session if I felt I needed it. We pro-rated the fee. It was always the sort of thing where, if she could do it, she was happy to – and if she couldn’t, she at least had the decency to seem sorry about it. I have been feeling increasingly depressed this week, and I wanted extra support. One 45 minute session didn’t feel like enough. We couldn’t coordinate a time for a second session, so I asked if we could do one hour-long session instead. I asked over email yesterday. And she just replied to me, with a single sentence: “I think, unless there is a specific reason to have an extended session, it is important to stick to the 45 minute session.”

???????

Now there is suddenly a new rule that we can’t have extended sessions? Unless there’s a “specific reason”?

I didn’t originally tell her that I was struggling. I didn’t want to bother her with all of that. I was just asking for extra support, and was going to tell her about how I was feeling at the session. Now I’ve emailed back and indicated that I asked because I’m struggling…but I feel so ANXIOUS! What if that’s not good enough of a “specific reason”? Why is this suddenly an issue?! She’s the one who first suggested that we could do hour-long sessions, or even double sessions!

Now I'm freaking out that maybe she's going to be angry that I emailed her about my ~feelings on a weekend. It wasn't a long email, just a few sentences, but still. It's not something I do all the time, but there was never a "rule" against it. But what if that's suddenly an issue, too?

I am so confused. What on earth is going on? I know that no one here can answer that question for me. I’m just lost. I hate how much power my T has to hurt me. I can't stop shaking.

I could use some support please.

[musinglizzy]

If you've read any of my posts, you'll see I'm in the EXACT same boat as you. My T used to let me cry on her shoulder....she'd hold me, rub my back, play with my hair, she made me feel SO safe and cared for. Then, it just stopped. It took me almost a month to realize she wasn't offering that anymore (I see her twice a week, so probably 6-8 sessions). So, the beginning of March, I asked her about it. She said touch is not her modality, and she strayed from that but had to go back to what she DOES do, which is talk. She said she wouldn't be sitting by me anymore, that I need to rely on my internal resources. I begged to know what changed, she said it wasn't anything I did, but wouldn't exactly say. We argued by text, Email, and sessions about this until I gave up, and just kept trying to continue the way I was originally. I just wasn't able to let it go. I was hypersensitive to any changes. My biggest problem wasn't that she quit this contact, but that she didn't talk to me about it. She said she would still hug me at the end of sessions, but that is it. But as time went on, I started to notice other things. Her hugs, which used to be nice, long, warm hugs, were short, and almost felt forced. She quit disclosing things about herself. She went from answering pretty much every Email to maybe about half of that, and when she did answer, it was a sentence or two. She doesn't answer every text. I try to only text or Email when they are initiated by her now. And what you described about vacations....my T is due back from vacation today, and I understand THAT, too. She has ALWAYS ALWAYS insisted that I check in with her while she's gone. Even last summer when she was getting married and gone for two weeks! She said if I didn't touch base with her she would harass me. I never took advantage of it, but did do as she asked. she knows I feel guilty about her spending time reading/responding to me when she's on vacation, but I still did as she asked. Well, she left for vacation a week ago (I don't know where...she usually offers THAT, too, but not this time). She flat out told me she wouldn't be available by phone or Email while she was gone. This is new to me. I didn't plan on contacting her anyway, but just the thought that I can was helpful to me, and now, I was told I couldn't. Well, she said I could Email while she was gone, but she wouldn't see it till she got back. So since she changed her touch boundaries, which absolutely CRUSHED ME, and didn't even talk to me about it until I noticed and brought it up, my fear is that she can change other things without telling me. So I'm super sensitive to anything changing...even the tiniest thing, and I know that it's hindering my therapy because I'm focusing too much on what she's doing or not doing. But I love her. I'm attached to her. And have a hard time considering leaving her. But I also feel like I'm hurt beyond repair. It's her right to change boundaries if she sees fit....I wish they'd stay consistent, and I wish she never would have offered me that touch, EVER, just to take it away. But my biggest wish is that she would have talked to me about it...instead of let me figure it out on my own and bring it up to her. So, as I said, she's due to get back from her vacation today, and I see her on Monday. I want to bring up the no contact on vacation thing...but I think I'll hold off and see if she brings something up first. I'm so afraid of complaining about anything...for fear of more being taken away. Like I said, I'm insanely sensitive right now...and things HAVE changed since our rupture, even though she says they have not.

Luckily, my T has always been consistent on session lengths, I would never dream of asking for an extended session because it has never been offered. But I see her twice a week as it is, so I think that's enough time.

[Petra5ed]

I get why you'd be hurt, but you've also got to keep in mind that if your therapist lets you rely on her too much it's to your detriment. The reality is she can't really be there for you at all times. As far as vacations, what if she did keep in touch but resented you for it? Would that be a fair trade off? I'm not saying I don't get wanting, even "needing" that contact though. I really did (and also didn't) want to bother my therapist on his vacations. I finally decided to ask him to text me one pic of wherever he was at, I figured that would be quick and easy for him but also allow me to feel connected. I asked him to do this and he agreed, after not contacting him the whole time (which was a matter of pride for me) he finally did text me a pic of the beach on his last day. Maybe you can ask her to do this?

[notwithhaste]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

If you've read any of my posts, you'll see I'm in the EXACT same boat as you. My T used to let me cry on her shoulder....she'd hold me, rub my back, play with my hair, she made me feel SO safe and cared for. Then, it just stopped. It took me almost a month to realize she wasn't offering that anymore (I see her twice a week, so probably 6-8 sessions). So, the beginning of March, I asked her about it. She said touch is not her modality, and she strayed from that but had to go back to what she DOES do, which is talk. She said she wouldn't be sitting by me anymore, that I need to rely on my internal resources. I begged to know what changed, she said it wasn't anything I did, but wouldn't exactly say. We argued by text, Email, and sessions about this until I gave up, and just kept trying to continue the way I was originally. I just wasn't able to let it go. I was hypersensitive to any changes. My biggest problem wasn't that she quit this contact, but that she didn't talk to me about it. She said she would still hug me at the end of sessions, but that is it. But as time went on, I started to notice other things. Her hugs, which used to be nice, long, warm hugs, were short, and almost felt forced. She quit disclosing things about herself. She went from answering pretty much every Email to maybe about half of that, and when she did answer, it was a sentence or two. She doesn't answer every text. I try to only text or Email when they are initiated by her now. And what you described about vacations....my T is due back from vacation today, and I understand THAT, too. She has ALWAYS ALWAYS insisted that I check in with her while she's gone. Even last summer when she was getting married and gone for two weeks! She said if I didn't touch base with her she would harass me. I never took advantage of it, but did do as she asked. she knows I feel guilty about her spending time reading/responding to me when she's on vacation, but I still did as she asked. Well, she left for vacation a week ago (I don't know where...she usually offers THAT, too, but not this time). She flat out told me she wouldn't be available by phone or Email while she was gone. This is new to me. I didn't plan on contacting her anyway, but just the thought that I can was helpful to me, and now, I was told I couldn't. Well, she said I could Email while she was gone, but she wouldn't see it till she got back. So since she changed her touch boundaries, which absolutely CRUSHED ME, and didn't even talk to me about it until I noticed and brought it up, my fear is that she can change other things without telling me. So I'm super sensitive to anything changing...even the tiniest thing, and I know that it's hindering my therapy because I'm focusing too much on what she's doing or not doing. But I love her. I'm attached to her. And have a hard time considering leaving her. But I also feel like I'm hurt beyond repair. It's her right to change boundaries if she sees fit....I wish they'd stay consistent, and I wish she never would have offered me that touch, EVER, just to take it away. But my biggest wish is that she would have talked to me about it...instead of let me figure it out on my own and bring it up to her. So, as I said, she's due to get back from her vacation today, and I see her on Monday. I want to bring up the no contact on vacation thing...but I think I'll hold off and see if she brings something up first. I'm so afraid of complaining about anything...for fear of more being taken away. Like I said, I'm insanely sensitive right now...and things HAVE changed since our rupture, even though she says they have not.

Luckily, my T has always been consistent on session lengths, I would never dream of asking for an extended session because it has never been offered. But I see her twice a week as it is, so I think that's enough time.

Oh my goodness, musinglizzy, my heart goes out to you so very much. I am so sorry. My T has also done these things -- held me while I cried, and given me extra long, tight hugs -- and I can't imagine how I'd feel if she suddenly stopped. I suspect I'd spiral into extreme depression and self-loathing. I don't think I'd be able to hold it together at all.

"Hurt beyond repair" is a good description. I totally get it. I also am afraid to complain...I get just wanting to let it slide, to not stir up trouble and potentially lose even more. I hate feeling like I'm walking on egg shells with my freaking therapist.

And for me, too, the worst part is the not discussing it. Changing the boundaries behind my back and then just waiting for me to bump into them. I find that very humiliating -- to trust that I can approach because of x or y past experience with her, to feel like I can ask for what I need, and to then find out that the rules have changed. I explained that to her before her vacation, which was just two weeks ago! And she said she understood. Can she really have forgotten so quickly?

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I get why you'd be hurt, but you've also got to keep in mind that if your therapist lets you rely on her too much it's to your detriment. The reality is she can't really be there for you at all times. As far as vacations, what if she did keep in touch but resented you for it? Would that be a fair trade off? I'm not saying I don't get wanting, even "needing" that contact though. I really did (and also didn't) want to bother my therapist on his vacations. I finally decided to ask him to text me one pic of wherever he was at, I figured that would be quick and easy for him but also allow me to feel connected. I asked him to do this and he agreed, after not contacting him the whole time (which was a matter of pride for me) he finally did text me a pic of the beach on his last day. Maybe you can ask her to do this?

You know, for me, it's just...is it possible that I depend on my T to a degree which is detrimental to me? Sure. But I think that should be a discussion. I expect for my input to be important when it comes to the question of whether something is good or bad for me. I haven't yet talked to her about why she made this decision, so I don't know if she thought it was best for me or not, but if that's the reason, I wouldn't appreciate it one bit. And I just don't think it's my problem if a T feels resentful of me. If she offers something, it's her job to be able to handle following through without resentment. If she can't do it, then she should adjust, but talk to me about it.

That's nice that your T texted you a picture of the beach -- and it's brave that you asked! I'd be afraid to ask her for that now, but it's a nice idea.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Hmm... but I don't think it's okay to change boundaries suddenly without discussing them. It's hurtful and it makes us afraid to ask anyone for anything. So sorry you are going through this. Mine also offered things for a long time (5 yrs) and then did a complete 180 and took all of it away. It's so incredibly damaging.

My first therapist used to do this to me too. It was so unsettling and hurtful. I know it feels terrible.i think it is more a reflection of HER and not anything you have done. I wish i had more helpful words for you.

[AllHeart]

Sending you hugs and support!!

Have you asked your T to help you understand the reasons for the changes? Even if by email, I would ask. You deserve an answer. I'd even go so far as to ask what other changes she has in store for you. I also hate the power that some T's have over clients. I just don't understand how T's don't understand how their actions can be so damaging to already fragile clients. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

[Virginia1991]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Sending you hugs and support!!

Have you asked your T to help you understand the reasons for the changes? Even if by email, I would ask. You deserve an answer. I'd even go so far as to ask what other changes she has in store for you. I also hate the power that some T's have over clients. I just don't understand how T's don't understand how their actions can be so damaging to already fragile clients. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

This I agree with. I also think consistency is key. If my t is not rigidly consistent I would not be able to continue therapy for a second. I need to know what I can expect. And if she would take something away after given (like hugs or out of session contact)......I would not be able to handle that. I feel t's need to be careful with their boundaries and not do something that they can't see through.

[growlycat]

I really relate. I'm so sorry she changed boundaries and worse, isn't talking about it. I know how much that hurts.

[ameliaxxx]

Oh ****!!! I hope mine doesn't do that!!! I am in the stage where she is hugging me and holding my hand and being close, and I recently told her I "think I'm too dependent on these appointments"! Stupid! She probably will eventually pull back now. Even though she said, like yours, that she'll "never leave me". I am a little scared now that she will change the bondries now that I see it's common. Not that any were every directly set I guess. But she could make them... Or take back the hugs. I'm scared, it's official.

[notwithhaste]

Thank you so much for the support, you guys. It means a lot.

She hasn't responded to my email (where I indicated that I asked for the extended session because I feel like I need more support). I'm trying not to dwell, but it's hard not to. And when I do think about it, I feel the kind of terror that seems like it will swallow me whole. I don't think she's going to answer my email. I'm supposed to see her tomorrow evening, but, at this point, I don't want to go. I resent having to spend my session telling her how hurt I feel -- and potentially having to spend a bunch of time making her understand why this was hurtful -- when there was other stuff I actually really needed to talk to her about. I just wanted some extra support! If she had said that she wasn't available to do an hour, I probably would have asked if she was available for a phone check-in later in the week. That's not unusual for us either. But what if it's suddenly an issue? I just can't deal with this right now. I used to absolutely suck at asking her for what I needed, but she encouraged me to ask! I still feel some lingering fear when I ask, but it's nothing like it used to be. But now I feel terrified to ask for anything. I want her to respond to my email and at least acknowledge that she was hurtful/give me a sign that she will be willing to process this with me, but I don't think I should send her another email asking for a response. I couldn't handle it if I got another one-sentence note like, "I think, unless there's a specific reason for me to respond, we should discuss this in session."

Originally Posted by ameliaxxx

Oh ****!!! I hope mine doesn't do that!!! I am in the stage where she is hugging me and holding my hand and being close, and I recently told her I "think I'm too dependent on these appointments"! Stupid! She probably will eventually pull back now. Even though she said, like yours, that she'll "never leave me". I am a little scared now that she will change the bondries now that I see it's common. Not that any were every directly set I guess. But she could make them... Or take back the hugs. I'm scared, it's official.

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. It's just cruel to set someone up to depend on you with hugging and hand-holding and closeness and then pull back before the patient is ready. I hope very much that she doesn't do that. Maybe you could talk to her about your fears and see what she says? It's not a foolproof method or anything, and I know that sometimes people are wildly disappointing out of nowhere, but it might help her to understand how you feel...and then hopefully she'll be careful. Just my take, I might be totally wrong. Sending you lots of good wishes!

EDIT: Oh man, she just responded "I'm sorry you felt blind-sided by my response; it is always OK for you to ask for something. Let's talk more about it when we see each other tomorrow."
I don't know how I feel about that.

[LonesomeTonight]

That's good that she responded. Often T's don't want to say much over e-mail--they'd rather discuss things in session (or possibly on the phone). I've had some very cryptic e-mail responses from T's, but then once I've seen them and talked to them, I've gotten a better understanding. I'd definitely go to your appointment. You could always just say you don't want to dwell on why you were hurt, you have other things to talk about.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by notwithhaste

Oh my goodness, musinglizzy, my heart goes out to you so very much. I am so sorry. My T has also done these things -- held me while I cried, and given me extra long, tight hugs -- and I can't imagine how I'd feel if she suddenly stopped. I suspect I'd spiral into extreme depression and self-loathing. I don't think I'd be able to hold it together at all.

"Hurt beyond repair" is a good description. I totally get it. I also am afraid to complain...I get just wanting to let it slide, to not stir up trouble and potentially lose even more. I hate feeling like I'm walking on egg shells with my freaking therapist.

And for me, too, the worst part is the not discussing it. Changing the boundaries behind my back and then just waiting for me to bump into them. I find that very humiliating -- to trust that I can approach because of x or y past experience with her, to feel like I can ask for what I need, and to then find out that the rules have changed. I explained that to her before her vacation, which was just two weeks ago! And she said she understood. Can she really have forgotten so quickly?


You know, for me, it's just...is it possible that I depend on my T to a degree which is detrimental to me? Sure. But I think that should be a discussion. I expect for my input to be important when it comes to the question of whether something is good or bad for me. I haven't yet talked to her about why she made this decision, so I don't know if she thought it was best for me or not, but if that's the reason, I wouldn't appreciate it one bit. And I just don't think it's my problem if a T feels resentful of me. If she offers something, it's her job to be able to handle following through without resentment. If she can't do it, then she should adjust, but talk to me about it.

That's nice that your T texted you a picture of the beach -- and it's brave that you asked! I'd be afraid to ask her for that now, but it's a nice idea.

Thanks. The way I see therapy has really gone downhill since then....it's been hard for me to stay connected and continue. Breaks my heart.