[scorpiosis37]

Note: Big trigger (SA)

I went on a date on Friday night and my date (a woman) got really drunk and sexually assaulted me. I said no and pushed her away, but she kept on going. I was fighting her off but I was losing the struggle, and then there was this moment where I just froze-- like I gave up-- because I just felt like I didn't matter and what happens to me doesn't matter. I had a flashback to a previous incident where something similar happened to me, and it paralyzed me. After a moment, I snapped out of it, and I fought back again. I finally got her off of me, but it was "too late." I was bleeding, I had bruises, and I'd been violated.

The next morning, I called my best friend and I called my sister and I told them what happened. My best friend told me it was my fault because I must have given her "signals" that I was interested-- and he made a joke about it. My sister told me she was too busy to listen to me talk about it anymore because she just got back from a vacation with her boyfriend and needed to unpack. She said she would call me later, but she never did. Before she hung up though she did question whether it was really "that bad" because wasn't the other woman pretty? Wasn't I somewhat interested? No, I was not! They both gave me the impression that, because my date was female, it somehow didn't count. That's really messed up.

The whole experience has left me feeling like no one cares about me, and I don't matter. I've had things like this happen to me before, and no one cared about me back then-- when I was 16, or when I was in my early 20s. I thought that, as adult, I could make my own way in life, and built up the kind of support system I didn't have as a child or teenager. But, clearly, I have failed to do that. I like who I am and I think I have a lot to offer-- the problem is that the world doesn't seem to agree with me. My friends and family don't care and, clearly, I'm single and not meeting the kind of partner who would care about me.

It's really hard to hear all of my friends, family members, and even my T talk about their relationships, and all of the great things they get to do with their partners. All of the surprise gifts, trips, and little things that their partners do just to say "I love you" and "I hope you have a good day." I'm putting myself out there and going on dates because I want those things, too. But, in trying to meet someone and build that kind of a relationship-- instead, I'm getting the thing that happened to me. It just makes me feel like I'm not worth as much as they are. I don't think I should feel that way-- but I do. I don't understand why my lot in life is different from theirs, and I don't know what I can do differently to achieve different results. But this experience has just made me feel like it's hopeless. My sister is the one who made me feel the worst. I've spent hours listening to her talk about her amazing boyfriend (and support her when previous boyfriends have broken up with her), but she can't be bothered to spend more than five minutes listening to what happened to me and she didn't make any effort to try and make me feel better. Why doesn't anyone in my life care that this happened to me? Other people might talk to their parents, but I don't have a mom and, when something like this happened to me when I was 16 (by a man) and I told my dad, he didn't care. So there is no reason to tell him this time; I already know how he would react. He would change the subject and ignore me, like he did last time.

I will tell my T about it during our next appointment, and I think she will care, but it doesn't feel like it's "enough" that my T cares about me. I want people in my "real life" to care about me, too. I don't understand why people seem to care so much when this happens to other people but, when it happens to me, they don't care. I don't understand why other people don't seem to think that I'm worth anything or that I matter, too. It's really hard to feel so alone. It makes me feel like: "What's the point of trying anymore?" With friends and family, or with dating. I've spent my whole life trying to build up a network of people, where the caring and support can go both ways. I just don't know why it hasn't worked.

[growlycat]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and that those close to you don't see its significance. It's awful. and you should not have been assaulted. Just because another woman was the aggressor doesn't make it less worrisome.

Did you want to press charges against her?
or can warn others who may know this person so they can be aware of what she is capable of?

Scorpiosis37, you are really brave to keep putting yourself out there on the dating scene. Some of us have temporarily given up. I know what you mean, feeling something is missing when those around you have "couples moments" that would be nice to have.

Your chances of finding someone right for you seem really good, the more you reach out and date. I think you will get there.

Unfortunately, statistically, you are bound to meet some not so great people too.

You sound like you have the gift of embracing your sexuality/power in a positive way. I hope this incident doesn't deter your search.

[JustShakey]

I'm sorry this horrible thing happened to you Can you report her? You have injuries... Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she should get away with it. She hurt you, and others too probably...
I'm sorry your friend and your sister were such a pair of eejits about it

[BayBrony]

I just want to say that I am sorry this happened to you, and also sorry no one listened to you or seemed to care. I don't have much advice for you but I do care.

[scorpiosis37]

I've decided not to report her. I did report the person who assaulted me when I was 16, and I just don't want to go through all of that again. It was a horrible experience. I felt like I was the one being put on trial (and he was not convicted). Even the police took my attacker's side. With no emotional support, I just don't want to put myself through that a second time.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm also really sorry this happened to you and that you're not getting support from people close to you. When do you see your T? If it's not until later in the week could you leave a voicemail saying you really need to talk?

[Myrto]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's horrifying.

And yes most people are uneducated about women harassing other women: it's rarely talked about and often dismissed because people don't see a woman as the agressor. Or something like that.

It's hard when loved ones and friends who should have your back can't even listen to you and take you seriously, because there's this idea that: well if they don't, who will?

Again, I'm sorry. But you DO matter. You really do. I know it's hard to believe it right now.

[pbutton]

I am SO SO sorry that this happened to you. You do matter. It is not your fault, and it is very serious and upsetting. It sounds frightening and painful. I am also really sorry that you didn't receive support when you tried to talk about it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You matter, you really do.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry! You were bleeding? That's awful. Of course you matter! And we care!

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Scorpiosis, I'm so sorry this happened to you. No one, absolutely no one deserves to be treated like that and then have to suffer the indignity and isolation of having her loved ones failing to support and comfort her. I totally understand your disappointment at your sister's poor response. I'd be more than ticked at her too if supported and comforted her in her relationship difficulties and she blew me off like this. I know now isn't a good time to confront her on that behavior because you need to focus on you right now but I really encourage you to take time later to sit down and have a real heart to heart conversation with her about this issue.

Right now you need support and you've talked about your therapist very eloquently on this forum. You've described her care, nurturing attitude and support you over the last few years. If there was ever a time to call one's therapist and get the attention and support you need right now, this is it! I suggest not waiting until your next scheduled appointment. Call her today! Book an appointment and go in and get the support you need and deserve. I have a feeling your therapist would want you to do this.

Please take care of yourself by being gentle with yourself. You definitely do matter.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I believe you definitely do matter, and I think you should reach out to your t today too and even if she can't get you a sooner appointment maybe she can spend a few minutes with you on the phone. You deserve caring and support and I'm sorry those close to you are not providing that. Because you DO matter.

Many people struggle with the idea of a woman being an aggressor or perpetrator. Sexual abuse by a woman is often dismissed as a misunderstanding, or 'not that bad' but being touched without your consent (regardless of whether you were bruised and bleeding or not), is still a violation. I am so sorry this happened to you. My heart goes out to you.

[msjblonde]

I am so sorry this happened to you. Sexual assault is as real and as horrific no matter who is perpetrating. I am so sorry you have been treated so badly by people who should be showering you in love right now. I think you deserve so much more.

[eeyorestail]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's terrible that the people in your life are not more understanding about something so serious.

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I'm so sorry

I don't know what I could say to make it better for you, but I hear you and get it.

[Polibeth]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I'm just as sorry that your relatives/friends aren't listening to you. I hope your T can help you through this.

[Sabra]

"I went on a date on Friday night and my date (a woman) got really drunk and sexually assaulted me. I said no and pushed her away, but she kept on going. I was fighting her off but I was losing the struggle, and then there was this moment where I just froze-- like I gave up-- because I just felt like I didn't matter and what happens to me doesn't matter. I had a flashback to a previous incident where something similar happened to me, and it paralyzed me. After a moment, I snapped out of it, and I fought back again. I finally got her off of me, but it was "too late." I was bleeding, I had bruises, and I'd been violated."

I am so sad this happened to you. You certainly didn't deserve it. Sometimes we forget that freezing is another reaction to trauma...fight or flight typically come to mind. The fact that you fluctuated between different responses is actually normal. Because you had experienced an assault at an earlier time, all the same feelings have resurfaced. Now you have piggyback emotions which make the assault feel even worse.

"The next morning, I called my best friend and I called my sister and I told them what happened. My best friend told me it was my fault because I must have given her "signals" that I was interested-- and he made a joke about it."

Our culture is so screwed up concerning sexual assault. We are very much into victim blaming. In no other crime are we questioned about our own culpability. If your house is broken into and robbed, no one asks what you could have done differently to prevent your items from being stolen. If your car is vandalized, the cops don't ask if you are sure the smashed window is really a result of vandals and not something you did.

You were sexually assaulted. Being violated by a woman is not somehow less serious than being violated by a male. And you were not assaulted because you were somehow sending subtle signals to the perpetrator. Please do not let anyone place the blame on you, not one iota.

I know there are times in my life when I have felt victimized. My reaction has been to drag every negative thought I have ever had about myself right down on my head. I know you have a good therapist who can help you sort through the crapola that has been ignited by the assault.

Take gentle care,

Sabra

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry that you were assaulted. I'm so sorry that those close to you are unsupportive and even hurtful.

You matter.

[SheHulk07]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve for that to happen, regardless if it was another female. This may or may not help, but I recently had a similar situation happen between my husband and I. I was able to bring it up to my T, and I found it helpful that they cared about my well being, and we'll continue to work through it in the next few weeks or as long as I need.

[scorpiosis37]

Thank-you for all of the replies. I really appreciate it!

The more time passes, the angier I am becoming at my sister for the way she talked (or didn't talk) to me on Saturday. She said she was too busy with her (amazing) boyfriend to talk to me, but she would call me later. She never did. In fact, I tried calling her again but she didn't answer and didn't call back. She is supposed to visit me in 2 weeks, and I'm starting to feel like I don't want her to come. If she can't be bothered to take 10 minutes out of her day to talk to me after I've been assaulted-- when I've spent her whole life supporting her emotionally and protecting her from abuse (as kids, I took it so she didn't have to)-- then why would I want to spend time with her? To hear more about how happy she is with her boyfriend? To have to put my feelings on hold, again, so I can hear more about her life (while I feel like I'm dying inside)? A year and a half ago, I tried talking to her about the fact that I support her but she doesn't apuiort me in return, and it was useless. She just yelled at me and told me she had a lot going on in her life (she was juggling 2boyfriends). What should I do? I'm so angry with her, and it's making it harder for me to get past this.

I will talk to my T at my appointment this week; I'm just looking for some thoughts before I can see her.

[unaluna]

Not on the same level, but one day last year the hairdresser at our apartment bldg was looking for a personal check that flew out of her hand. i was on my way to t; i hesitated, then figured out i could catch a later bus and still be almost on time for my appointment. So i stopped to help her and i did find it. But mostly i was thinking, what kind of person would i be if i didnt stop to help her? It was a moment of clarity for me. I really felt like something was lacking in my moral education that i even had to ask myself that. Best case scenario, you guys talk it over and it makes her think.

When traumatic things happened to me in my past and when I'm triggered back into that place now. I don't think I'm able to discern whether other people are doing what I feel they should. I'm numb. Silent. Secretive.
My experience is no one was there then. So I don't feel I have the right to expect people to be here now.
My mind is stuck in the 'event' I am almost comatose. Sitting, unable to even breathe my spit back up.
I can't protest. I learnt it was pointless. It's a hopeless place.
It seems you're coming from a place of hope our else other people's letting you down wouldn't register.
I'd start from there

[divine1966]

Find the way to gently talk to your sister how it makes you feel, with no accusations. Be gentle. I sometimes struggle with lack of connection with my brother , but then something bad happens and I don't know what I would do without him.
I am sorry your sister isn't helpful but maybe she'll come around

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[Bill3]

Maybe postponing her visit is worth considering. How likely is she to act differently from how she has acted in the past?