Something happened to me and no one cares (trigger- SA)

Sabra · Jun 23, 2015, 09:29 AM

Good morning,

I have read your experiences concerning you relationship with your sister. I had an older sister whom I was always there for her. I gave her emotional time, financial support, took her on vacations etc. It took me 15 years to see the lopsided "relationship" we had. She was never there. I totally missed it because I wanted to have a close family member so badly.

We were raised in extreme dysfunction. She was designated the victim in the family....going to doctor after doctor. She was "unable" to work. She read all night and slept all day. My expectations were low. I wanted her to be healthier than she could possibly be. I overlooked so much pathology so I could have a sister. Eventually, and with much pain, I had to be honest with myself. She was never there for me, nor would she ever be there in the capacity I so desperately wanted her to be.

I hope your sister is healthier than mine and she is capable of giving you support. Perhaps the relationship can survive if you lower your expectations. I realize that is not what you want to hear. She may be incapable to meet you
in the manner you wish for.

Regards,

Sabra

scorpiosis37 · Jun 25, 2015, 09:03 PM

Well, I tried talking to my sister-- and it did not go well. She got really defensive and ended up getting angry with me. She was really sarcastic, rude, and unapologetic. I've decided that I just need to let go of all expectations when it comes to her and to stop trying to have a reciprocal relationship. She is perfectly functional in that she has a job, keeps up her apartment, shows up to evenT's on time, etc. She just lacks empathy. I mean, she's not a psychopath or anything, but she is just really stunted in her ability to connect to and empathize with others. She acts more like a child who has not yet learned that the world does not revolve around her. However, she is an adult and has no desire to begin learning those skills now. This is not just my perception of her; my dad has commented on this before and it is the reason her ex-boyfriend broke up with her. I don't intend on cutting off my relationship with her or anything; just recognizing that it will never be reciprocal.

I did see my therapist for our regular session on Tuesday. The session itself went really well. She was empathetic and made me feel cared about. At the end of session, she told me to her e-mail her about a specific thing (or just if I need to in general) and she told me she would give me the contact info for a group (queer women who have experienced sexual assault) just in case I'm interested. Well, I emailed T later that afternoon and she hasn't responded yet and it's been 2 days. I know that my T cares and I don't want to discount how great she was in session, but it does hurt my feelings that she didn't respond and she didn't follow up with that contact info. Normally, I wouldn't think it was a big deal if she took a couple of days to respond, but this week is especially hard and she knows that. I'm trying not to let my hurt feelings over the email color the session I had with her on Tuesday-- but I kind of can't help it. It makes me feel like she was just "doing her job" by being great in session, if she isn't following up with me afterwards like she said she would. It makes me feel like I'm not a priority, even during this difficult time.

Bill3 · Jun 25, 2015, 09:09 PM

I'm really sorry that these people have, each in their own way, let you down at this really difficult time.

unaluna · Jun 25, 2015, 09:34 PM

Sis - if you can, email her again, making sure the email title clearly connotes the content? My t will miss emails otherwise. Also i tend to send them to the wrong address der.

scorpiosis37 · Jun 25, 2015, 09:42 PM

The title of my e-mail is clear and I definitely have the right e-mail address (and, I mean, she obviously knows what our session was about on Tuesday). So I really am I bit confused about why she hasn't responded. It makes me wonder: "Did I say something wrong?" Or, since I know her dad has been ill recently, maybe something happened with him? If the latter really is the case then I feel awful about bothering her with an e-mail (but I have no evidence that is the case).

I'm trying not to drive MYSELF crazy wondering "why is she not responding?" and to keep feeling warmly towards her. I mean, she's gone out of her way for me many times in the past, so I really do trust her and believe that she cares. It's just hard not to have anyone to call me back or e-mail me back right now.

ETA: Well, I just sent her a once-sentence e-mail just asking if she got my message and asking if she could send me a sentence back just confirming that.

ShaggyChic_1201 · Jun 25, 2015, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Note: Big trigger (SA)

I went on a date on Friday night and my date (a woman) got really drunk and sexually assaulted me. I said no and pushed her away, but she kept on going. I was fighting her off but I was losing the struggle, and then there was this moment where I just froze-- like I gave up-- because I just felt like I didn't matter and what happens to me doesn't matter. I had a flashback to a previous incident where something similar happened to me, and it paralyzed me. After a moment, I snapped out of it, and I fought back again. I finally got her off of me, but it was "too late." I was bleeding, I had bruises, and I'd been violated.

The next morning, I called my best friend and I called my sister and I told them what happened. My best friend told me it was my fault because I must have given her "signals" that I was interested-- and he made a joke about it. My sister told me she was too busy to listen to me talk about it anymore because she just got back from a vacation with her boyfriend and needed to unpack. She said she would call me later, but she never did. Before she hung up though she did question whether it was really "that bad" because wasn't the other woman pretty? Wasn't I somewhat interested? No, I was not! They both gave me the impression that, because my date was female, it somehow didn't count. That's really messed up.

The whole experience has left me feeling like no one cares about me, and I don't matter. I've had things like this happen to me before, and no one cared about me back then-- when I was 16, or when I was in my early 20s. I thought that, as adult, I could make my own way in life, and built up the kind of support system I didn't have as a child or teenager. But, clearly, I have failed to do that. I like who I am and I think I have a lot to offer-- the problem is that the world doesn't seem to agree with me. My friends and family don't care and, clearly, I'm single and not meeting the kind of partner who would care about me.

It's really hard to hear all of my friends, family members, and even my T talk about their relationships, and all of the great things they get to do with their partners. All of the surprise gifts, trips, and little things that their partners do just to say "I love you" and "I hope you have a good day." I'm putting myself out there and going on dates because I want those things, too. But, in trying to meet someone and build that kind of a relationship-- instead, I'm getting the thing that happened to me. It just makes me feel like I'm not worth as much as they are. I don't think I should feel that way-- but I do. I don't understand why my lot in life is different from theirs, and I don't know what I can do differently to achieve different results. But this experience has just made me feel like it's hopeless. My sister is the one who made me feel the worst. I've spent hours listening to her talk about her amazing boyfriend (and support her when previous boyfriends have broken up with her), but she can't be bothered to spend more than five minutes listening to what happened to me and she didn't make any effort to try and make me feel better. Why doesn't anyone in my life care that this happened to me? Other people might talk to their parents, but I don't have a mom and, when something like this happened to me when I was 16 (by a man) and I told my dad, he didn't care. So there is no reason to tell him this time; I already know how he would react. He would change the subject and ignore me, like he did last time.

I will tell my T about it during our next appointment, and I think she will care, but it doesn't feel like it's "enough" that my T cares about me. I want people in my "real life" to care about me, too. I don't understand why people seem to care so much when this happens to other people but, when it happens to me, they don't care. I don't understand why other people don't seem to think that I'm worth anything or that I matter, too. It's really hard to feel so alone. It makes me feel like: "What's the point of trying anymore?" With friends and family, or with dating. I've spent my whole life trying to build up a network of people, where the caring and support can go both ways. I just don't know why it hasn't worked.

I haven't yet read all the heartfelt responses I'm sure you've received, because I've interrupted the reading to tell you how sorry I am that you were molested and then totally devalued. You deserve happiness, love and companionship. Please, please, do not give up on this for yourself. You are an amazing, brave and strong person who has endured way too much. You know your boundaries. You said no and fought off your attacker. I get why you don't want to press charges, but I hate the thought of her getting away with it. I am just so very sorry. Sincere hugs and wishes for a bright future for you.

divine1966 · Jun 26, 2015, 07:46 AM

Again so sorry for what you have to deal with.

But sometimes people are not replying to emails or texts or messages and it mean absolutely nothing.

I sent you a PM in regards to what happened to you with your sister, I tried to be supportive and related my situation with my brother. I got no acknowledgement that message was even received ( even if what I write made no sense) .

Of course it is different as this is anonymous forum of strangers and t is a real life person. But still I am pretty sure people often don't acknowledge or don't reply for no particular reason and it means nothing. Most likely she missed it or forgot about it etc

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

scorpiosis37 · Jun 26, 2015, 10:04 AM

Well, my T responded. She told me she was at a comedy show last night, said we would talk at my next appointment, and told me to have a good day. Normally that would be a fine response, but given what I wrote in my email and how much I am struggling right now it feels like a real let down. Normally, even when I send her emails about scheduling, she writes caring things like "sending love" or puts in emoji or says something heartfelt. She also ignored the things I wrote about our relationship and about how much I'm struggling this week. When I read the "have a good day" I wanted to reach through my computer screen and be like "really?!" I am definitely not having a good day! I've barely moved from the couch since it happened and am actually feeling worse, not better. I wish I had never opened the email can of worms. I wish I had just sucked it up and not sent anything!

Jun 26, 2015, 10:10 AM

Sometimes when my T is not responding in a helpful way, it is because he just isn't understanding what I am saying, or doesn't want to respond to therapeutic issues by email. I find that if I can actually talk to him on the phone at those times, he is much better able to read my vocal cues and help me more effectively. Maybe you could call?

scorpiosis37 · Jun 26, 2015, 11:16 AM

She's not available to call. It's pride weekend & she has big plans with her new gf. She said in her email she would see me next week. I totally get it. I was excited about pride too-- but now I'm kind of afraid to go because of what happened. Putting myself in an alcohol-fueled situation with strangers may not be best for me right now. We'll see. I already bought a ticket to go with a group of friends/acquaintances to a rooftop viewing party, so maybe I'll change my mind.

StressedMess · Jun 26, 2015, 11:23 AM

I'm so sorry you're still going through such a rough time. I totally get why you are second guessing going out with your friends to Pride, would it make you feel better to get out of your house (and out of your head) for a while? Or would the stress of the situation make you feel more triggered?

I wish I could whack your T upside the head! Damn, what is so hard to understand?

scorpiosis37 · Jun 26, 2015, 11:32 AM

Thanks, StressedMess. I appreciate what you had to say-- it actually made me laugh, which is what I need right now.

In response to your question, I honestly don't know. I did turn down a date for Saturday night because I knew I couldn't handle that, but I might still go to the parade viewing party on Sunday. I suppose I can always leave if I need to.

Jun 26, 2015, 11:45 AM

Jeesh, Scorpiosis, you are just not getting a break right now when it comes to IRL support! From how you've described your sister, I'd say that you're right on the money saying that she is just missing the empathy chip. She probably isn't ever going to change. . . . if she's a late bloomer, she might come around a bit when she reaches her late 30's or early 40's, but that doesn't help you right now. I think you're right in just deciding that you just can't turn to her for support or empathy. Personally, if she was my sister and coming for a visit in 2 weeks, I might wait a few days and then call and make an excuse not go through with the visit right now. Give her an excuse and tell her you'd like to reschedule at a later date. I'd still want some kind of relationship with my sister, but I'd sure want to be feeling strong emotionally when it happened.

I'm truly sorry that your therapist wasn't more supportive following your email, especially since SHE encouraged you to email if you needed to tell her something. But I also have to say that you've described her as a mostly supportive, nurturing and empathetic therapist . . . heck, every time you talk about her I find myself wishing I had a relationship with my therapist like you have with yours!

I'd definitely be very honest and up front with her when you have your next session; I would ask her what happened that she wasn't more responsive--perhaps even compare it to other emails where she was more demonstrative and you were only asking during those times about a scheduling issue. Find out if she needs more explicit comments from you about what you need in the moment.

As for the Pride day--Go! I'd suggest going with a group of supportive friends (like you mentioned you had tickets for), and speak to one of the group that you're closest to and ask her to stick close. Go and have a good time and if you begin to feel triggered or upset by the alcohol "goings on", just ask you friend to accompany you to your car. Don't let what happened destroy such a great event. But be safe! Celebration is particularly important after today's decision.

scorpiosis37 · Jul 02, 2015, 12:19 PM

Update:

So, I went to Pride with my group of friends. I put on a smile and tried to have a good time, but my heart wasn't in it. I ended up leaving early. I also ran into thewoman I dated back in February and got to hear about how she took a new date to the exact same restaurant and club she took me to on our first date. Geez.

That evening, however, I got a message (through my online dating profile) that I just couldn't ignore-- despite having no intention of getting back out there quite yet. I'm honestly floored that I'm so drawn to her, but we've been talking 24/7 and she matches every single thing I'm looking for in another person-- despite living 4 hrs away. So, we're talking about meeting up for the 4th of July (with my friends, in a public place!)-- so we'll see. I'm trying to stay realistic, but hopeful. I know dating again so soon could be looked at negatively, but I don't want to let the woman who assaulted me ruin my chance at actually meeting someone great.

My T is still a conundrum. She is normally amazing, but I think her being newly in love is messing with her head. She spent my therapy session on Tuesday telling me about how her new gf is taking her on this amazing weekend getaway-- after I just explained how I don't want to hear my sister tell me about the trips her boyfriend takes her on! How does it not occur to her that telling me about that is "rubbing in my face" that she has the thing I want, but don't have? If things with this new woman actually go well for me, I won't be as sensitive about this topic and I may not care anymore-- but if they don't, it's going to make that even harder for me to deal with, knowing that my T is off on this fabulous getaway and I'm feeling awful. It's not like I'm going to reach out to T for support when I know she's on a trip with her gf-- again. I think I'm starting to understand why most Ts have stricter boundaries around self-disclosure. When I'm in a good place, I like hearing about T's life because it makes me feel closer to her. But, when I'm in a rough place, it's hard to meet her beloved daughter and hear about her weekend romantic getaways. How does she not understand that these things would be triggering for me, when they are directly related to what I'm struggling with?

Jul 02, 2015, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Update:

So, I went to Pride with my group of friends. I put on a smile and tried to have a good time, but my heart wasn't in it. I ended up leaving early. I also ran into thewoman I dated back in February and got to hear about how she took a new date to the exact same restaurant and club she took me to on our first date. Geez.

That evening, however, I got a message (through my online dating profile) that I just couldn't ignore-- despite having no intention of getting back out there quite yet. I'm honestly floored that I'm so drawn to her, but we've been talking 24/7 and she matches every single thing I'm looking for in another person-- despite living 4 hrs away. So, we're talking about meeting up for the 4th of July (with my friends, in a public place!)-- so we'll see. I'm trying to stay realistic, but hopeful. I know dating again so soon could be looked at negatively, but I don't want to let the woman who assaulted me ruin my chance at actually meeting someone great.

My T is still a conundrum. She is normally amazing, but I think her being newly in love is messing with her head. She spent my therapy session on Tuesday telling me about how her new gf is taking her on this amazing weekend getaway-- after I just explained how I don't want to hear my sister tell me about the trips her boyfriend takes her on! How does it not occur to her that telling me about that is "rubbing in my face" that she has the thing I want, but don't have? If things with this new woman actually go well for me, I won't be as sensitive about this topic and I may not care anymore-- but if they don't, it's going to make that even harder for me to deal with, knowing that my T is off on this fabulous getaway and I'm feeling awful. It's not like I'm going to reach out to T for support when I know she's on a trip with her gf-- again. I think I'm starting to understand why most Ts have stricter boundaries around self-disclosure. When I'm in a good place, I like hearing about T's life because it makes me feel closer to her. But, when I'm in a rough place, it's hard to meet her beloved daughter and hear about her weekend romantic getaways. How does she not understand that these things would be triggering for me, when they are directly related to what I'm struggling with?

Sorry your T is not in tune with your needs right now. I'm so glad to hear you may have found someone compatible and nice. Just take it easy and slow. I really hope she turns out to be the absolute opposite of your last dating experience. I met my H two weeks after leaving an abusive relationship and I had just vowed to stay single. Sometimes things are meant to be

Good luck and keep us posted

unaluna · Jul 02, 2015, 02:54 PM

Sorry your t isnt be there for you. Hope you guys have a nice fourth

Jul 02, 2015, 04:06 PM

Okay, your therapist's brain is definitely not firing on all cylinders! Jeesh, I can't believe after the couple of weeks you've had that she would even THINK (actually not thinking obviously) that you were in a space that you want to hear about her love life/relationship. She should have spent your last session just allowing you to vent or whatever you wanted or needed at that moment. Chalk it up to her being in love is fine, but you need to really talk to her about her poor timing at your next session.

I think it's fine to make plans to meet someone new. Just be careful. I'm glad you're meeting her in the presence of your friends. Have a good time and moving s l o w l y!

Bill3 · Jul 02, 2015, 08:54 PM

Quote:

I think I'm starting to understand why most Ts have stricter boundaries around self-disclosure.

Yes. There is often good reason for that.

scorpiosis37 · Jul 06, 2015, 02:41 PM

Update: Well, that did not go as hoped. My date was pretty and smart and she had been honest about everything she told me, but I just didn't click with her. I found her a little too aggressive, loud, negative, and overbearing. She was also too touchy-feely for me and made me very uncomfortable. She overstayed her welcome and made me feel trapped. I realized i have a difficult time being assertive when I think I'm going to hurt the other person's feelings, but I don't know how to change that. I don't know what I should be doing or saying differently to make the other person "get it" that they need to give me more space. She didn't do anything "wrong"; she was just too much for me. Unfortunately, I was clearly not effective in conveying my feelings because she wants to see me again and thinks everything went well. I honestly don't know what signals/messages I send to other people, because in my head I think I'm being clear about not being interested-- but the message is not getting across. I will talk to my therapist about this next session, but she's not usually very helpful about this kind of stuff.

I also think I feel "guilty" when someone likes me and I don't like them back. I would like to be in a relationship, but when I meet people who want to date me-- I just have not being feeling it with them. I also think it may have been too soon for me to go on a date after that thing happened to me. This girl didn't do anything inappropriate, but even her touching my arm made me squirm. I don't like being touched the first time I meet someone and I told her that before we met but, like everyone else, she didn't seem to believe me or take me seriously. I felt so claustrophobic by the end of the date that I just wanted to be alone. I still want to be in a relationship eventually, but maybe I just need to be single for now. It's really hard to find someone I am interested in and it's really hard to find someone who is willing to move as slowly as I need them to-- which I always tell people about before meeting in person (it just goes in one ear and out the other it seems). And I have trouble being really assertive in person. Like, I'll get up and go to the bathroom or move away or say "gee, I think I'm going to go and look at that over there" and walk off.I find it hard to actually say "get your hand off me" when I'm on a date and still figuring out whether I like someone or not. I will say it if someone is being way too aggressive, but it's kind of a mood killer and puts a negative spin on things if I have to bluntly tell someone to not touch me or sit further away from me one hour into meeting them. I need to learn how to find a good way of asserting my boundaries without making it seem like I'm rude or weird. Any ideas?

scorpiosis37 · Jul 06, 2015, 06:33 PM

And my T just cancelled our session this week so I can't talk about it.

Bill3 · Jul 06, 2015, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Any ideas?

"I'm really sorry but it takes me a while to be open to touching."

"I'm really sorry but I need a little space on the first few dates."

Rive. · Jul 06, 2015, 07:56 PM

Yes, maybe it would be wise (imo) to get some distance with the traumatic event that happened, before going on the dating field so to speak. I think it would take time to process.

I am sorry though that no one was there for you (e.g. your sis) when it was a big deal.

As for being assertive, maybe let your dates know (in advance + during date, if need be) that 1) you would like to take it slow and/or 2) you are not very comfortable when people (being general, so they don't take it personally) get too close.

Could T reschedule something rather than cancel the appointment you had? I think you could do with some support.

growlycat · Jul 06, 2015, 07:57 PM

I don't know if you mentioned the assault to her. That's a solid reason to say that maybe it is too soon to date after the event and it won't hurt her feelings. Then again you have every right to say hey, I like you, but your style is too aggressive for my tastes.

Sorry, it sounds like a really bad couple of weeks for you.

scorpiosis37 · Jul 06, 2015, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

As for being assertive, maybe let your dates know (in advance + during date, if need be) that 1) you would like to take it slow and/or 2) you are not very comfortable when people (being general, so they don't take it personally) get too close.

Could T reschedule something rather than cancel the appointment you had? I think you could do with some support.

I always do what you just mentioned (including with this date)-- and it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I always say that to potential dates before we meet in person so that they have forewarning. It just doesn't work. I also reiterated it in person, after she started getting a little too close for comfort. I actually told her about my childhood trauma and the recent sexual assault, precisely so that she would understand why I don't like to be touched early on. She just didn't get it. At least not fully. She did not make an explicitly sexual move (thankfully) so I think she understood that I didn't want that, but she was very touchy/cuddly, which was too much for me. I didn't know what else to say to be more clear without becoming hostile and saying "STOP TOUCHING ME." Luckily, I was able to just kind of wiggle away and leave the room, but it was really uncomfortable for me. I am aware that I need to be better in person, in the moment, at asserting my boundaries. It's just something that's hard for me-- and it's frustrating that warning someone ahead of time isn't enough.

No, my T is going through a personal situation right now and does not know when she will be back at work. She said she will text me when she can schedule a new appointment.

scorpiosis37 · Jul 07, 2015, 10:17 PM

My sister comes into town on Friday, and I had planned on discussing and preparing for the visit with T during my session today. But, since she cancelled our session, I have no one to talk to about it (I also have no idea when I will see T again). I'm not looking forward to seeing my sister after all that has happened and I am not in a state of mind to hear more stories about how in love she is with her boyfriend (they went on another vacation this past weekend). Talking it out with my T could have helped make me stronger for the visit, but now I just feel even more closed off and shut down. I'm having a REALLY hard time right now and it's hard not to have anyone to talk to. My sister and I are going to be running a race and even though I'm a runner, I can't imagine having the energy to do this right now. My dad paid for my sister's plane ticket to come and see me, and if I told her not to come I would be starting a war with both her and my father and I just can't do that right now. So I'm having the visit-- I just need some support to get through it-- but I really don't have any. T is not available via text or email at all, so I can't even reach out that way in lieu of our appointment. I actually wish she had a substitute or someone I could make an appointment with, but she doesn't. She has never told me anything about other resources to use when she isn't available.

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Something happened to me and no one cares (trigger- SA)

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