[MissCharlotte]

I just returned from therapy and should probably be posting this in my journal but I have got my dander up!

I had a session on Sunday and one today so only one day in between. Sunday's session was precious. We did some inner child work and talked about our relationship. I was able to tell him that losing connection between me and him makes me lose connection to myself. I told him that I felt the relationship getting closer and wanted it to work for me.

Today I found I didn't feel like going back. During session, we did not agree on anything. I talked about an issue with one of my chldren and then talked about my marriage and some problems I perceive in my marital relationship. I found myself totally annoyed at him over and over again. By the time he said "time's up," I said "good." He said, "We were not on the same side at all today." I just said, "No." Then I just left.

On the way home I was fuming. However, I came to think that maybe I pushed him away because he's getting too close. Then again, I thought maybe I'm thinking that because it's a pattern for me to try to fix everything as if I was the one who broke it. I am so freaking confused right now. I don't feel remotely close to T right now and it doesn't really bother me. But last week when I felt distant I had to call him.

What gives?

Arghhhhhhh

[SecretGarden]

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sister said: I was able to tell him that losing connection between me and him makes me lose connection to myself.

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During session, we did not agree on anything. I talked about an issue with one of my chldren and then talked about my marriage and some problems I perceive in my marital relationship. I found myself totally annoyed at him over and over again. By the time he said "time's up," I said "good." He said, "We were not on the same side at all today." I just said, "No." Then I just left.

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Sounds like you are pretty connected to yourself tonight...

And you are still connecting with him...just in a different way. It is not all fluffy sometimes. The intereaction was certainly there...so you were connected in some way. The emotion that you expressed shows your independence but yet...you have connected....head to head...

(I recall with my first pdoc..we always shook hands at the beginning and the end of the visit...his guideline...and it was good with me. I will remember the time I was so ticked that I would not take his hand at the end. WOW... big. Then he would not allow it... lol..oh the good old days. That was a separation or claiming my independence or difference of opinion in a BIG way..symbolically.)

[SecretGarden]

Were you all there or did you dissociate?

I think that you might have pushed each other... you by your independence and strength within... willing to differ (tis good) and his pushing your buttons or not agreeing with you.

[MissCharlotte]

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Sounds like you are pretty connected to yourself tonight...

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Yeah I am, aren't I? I feel strangely strong right this moment. I am connected. I may or may not have been avoiding some other work in therapy tonite--I have to reflect some more. There was something I was avoiding--otherwise I would have been running in to see him like I usually do, but tonite I just didn't even feel like going. Maybe I was avoiding what happened!

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Were you all there or did you dissociate?

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Well.......I only checked out once for a second. T caught me and said, "where were you?" I honestly replied, "I don't know."

I will tell you that I felt physically sick during the session. I felt nauseous and then had a headache. I told T that my head was going to explode.

I don't think he didn't know what to do with me. But he needs to get in touch with his feminine a little bit He took the guy's side tooooooooo much tonight.

[Perna]

Ebb and flow gives. I don't think we can be close all the time? The tide and waves do go out as well as come in to shore. Think how many sessions you've had and this was only one among them. It's not indicative of your whole relationship, just that particular day. See what happens, maybe later you'll have to call him again :-) Won't that be interesting?

[MissCharlotte]

I won't call him now---too much face to lose....fear,hmmmmm

I just mailed him a four page letter. From my heart, I felt I had to let him know how difficult the session was and I didn't want to wait till I see him because i don't see him for 9 days this time.

I hope the letter comes off as intended, an analytical piece on how the session felt for me and where I believe we both made mistakes. I let him know how hurt I am right now and afraid of trusting him again. We will see where this goes, hopefully to dialogue that heals.

[SecretGarden]

Good for you! I hope that achieves what you are looking for. :-)