Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear T

Today we were talking about me making my own truth and about opinions and such. You said that I think all kinds of ugly things about myself and that I see that as THE truth, but you don't think those things about me at all. You don't agree with my opinion about myself. And that... that suprises me. It hard to believe you don't think I'm ugly or fat or dumb or wortless or whatever. And I think you're wrong. You know a lot about me, you have seen me in very bad states. But if you would really know me, and I mean really, everything about me, all my ugly thoughts, then you would change your mind. Then you wouldn't even want to see me.

Dear T,

It sort of annoys me that when I text you a question about scheduling or similar, that requires a yes-or-no answer, you call me in return. During school hours. So far it's coincidentally always been during free periods or on my free Wednesday afternoon, but it still bothers me how callous you are with my time. I have a life too, you know.

See you tomorrow.

I'm glad you're seeing me today - means I didn't get you sick and you're not upset at me. I don't want to talk to you about why you made the extra appointment for me without asking. I wouldn't have asked and I'd just keep going down this dark hole and you know that because you know me. I hope I don't just stare at you but you're a genius at getting me to talk about what I don't want to talk about it when I don't want to talk about it. After today I won't see you for more than a week. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to manage that after being able to be with you in my safe place multiple times a week for a year now. I'm sure I'll be texting more and I hope you'll be okay with that...

EM

I know it was for my own good but it hurts so badly.

I am afraid that everytime I see you, will be the last time. We talk about it and you tell me you're not going anywhere, but I can't stop thinking about it. I fear that some day I'll be saying goodbye to you, and I wouldn't even know About it. That it's going to be a beautiful session and you'll tell me we are going to see each other in two days, but something is going to happen to you, or you'll change your mind about me, and I am never going to see you again. I am afraid it won't even be a goodbye. That I won't know we were saying goodbye until after you're already gone. And I won't ever see you again. If that happens, I don't think I could ever recover. It would kill me.

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this!!!!!

I'm so glad I see you in the morning. I'm bursting with feeling. Timely, with the hearing next week and all. I said I would be ready, and I am. I've never been so ready for anything in my life. I know my way here and I can do this. Thank you. So much.

Dear T,
I am afraid to tell you the absolute truth on how i handle my week because I am afraid you'll get rid of me. YOu bring up the 2 week inpatient thing, and I don't want to do that/feel like i need to do that. But if i tell you that I am still cutting (shallow), or that I just am drinking the bourbon straight from the bottle because who cares about the glass, that you will say you can't help me right now. I really, REALLY like you, and don't want to lose you.

Dear MC,
I'm glad I ran into you today while I was there for my T appointment. Today's kind of a weird day for me, but I don't think I've told you why. It felt good that, after Monday's kind of intense session, you acted like your usual self to me, and went along with my continuing of the whole stalking joke. So now you're stalking me, eh? :-)

I feel really gross and awful from all the things I told you. Thank you for your compassion and kindness. Your willingness to spend the extra time with me to help me. Thank you for helping me to begin to understand things. * **** ***.

I'm so scared.

I contacted you. After six months. I'd been looking forward to that so long. When I was still missing you so much, it kept me going to know that I could email or call you around this time. Things have changed, I'm not that attached anymore. Still, it was a big thing to email you. What do you have when something you've been looking forward to, suddenly is behind you? You know?

Dear T,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for making our conversation about sex so comfortable. This therapy thing just may work for me after all.

Why haven't you emailed me back? Why do you email me back when I don't need a response but not when I do? How do you come about those decisions? What is your logic?

There's one other reason that I fear what we've been discussing wouldn't work: deep down, I would still really rather have you.

I really wish I could call you. I am just afraid that you don't want to deal with me since I am in the day program now. I really think they are going to kick me inpatient again if things don't improve quickly.

T, today when I was crying and laughing at myself cry - I was laughing because I wanted to ask you to hold me. I'm such a silly girl, but all I wanted was to cry in your arms. Ah well. I'm happy to get my (yes! MINE) hug at the end of session. I just held on extra tight today. I (therapy) love you, you know
(Oh, and you really do have a nicely shaped head, even if I'd slag you silly for saying such a thing:devil: )

(Why do I get a pirate ghost for writing : devil :?)

Dear T (and MC),
I'm feeling really bad tonight after a doctor's appointment for my daughter. I feel like my concerns about the recommended treatment (now and before) make me a bad mother. I know you'll just say I'm trying to do what's best for my daughter, but sometimes I feel like someone else would do a better job as her mother. Someone without anxiety and OCD, who didn't worry about what effects certain chemicals unstudied by the FDA in kids <18 will have on her... (Note: this does not relate to vaccines, but to something else). I'm feeling really badly about myself. But I will do my best to stay safe. I don't want to contact and bother you. Especially because if I do, then you might think I need a day program or more to handle things. I hate that I don't see either of you till Tuesday though. It seems like a long way away... T, if I call or text you tomorrow, please don't be mad... (I'll leave you alone for now, MC...)

I am really sad and depressed. I wish you were here to hold me and wipe away my tears.

I want and need you to ask more questions. It's so hard to talk. So hard. I just wish you would, so know what's bothering me. I want to tell you about some of the abuse. I need to. It's been bothering and keeping me up at night, but when I go to share with you, I go blank and end up talking about work.

T,

i hope your first open house goes well .. im sorry i cant stay for it. i want your business to be successful. i think you deserve it. you are a good T.

me

Did I really say 'Israel'?!

This sounds really weird, but I love looking at people's bookshelves. Ever since I started seeing you in your office, I've wanted to look at yours--Even if they turn out to be boring therapisty books. I've had actual dreams about finally looking at them. It just seems too random to be like, "Can I peruse your books while I'm in here?". Maybe one day I'll ask

Dear T and MC,
I did stay safe. Somehow, just typing out on here what I wanted to say made me feel better. I thought about contacting you today when I was having a panic attack about giving my daughter the medicine tomorrow, but I just did my best to get through it. Still feeling guilty though. And kinda scared.