Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

I feel important to you.

i'm excited about my promotion, but haven't told you about it yet. because i'm feeling the urge to run away from therapy again. going deeply into those feelings the other day during the energy work stirred up a bunch of stuff. i wish we could have several hours together in one sitting to talk this out. even if i could afford it i don't think you'd do it. i'm feeling the feels tonight, i'm not trying to stuff them down with food, i don't even feel hungry in the slightest and I haven't eaten since lunch. i just need to feel these feels and somehow let them go too like i let the rest of the stuff go the other day. i am too dependent on you. and i don't want to be. i love you and i don't want to love you. i want to be free of you but i can't imagine not having you in my life even in the limited way you are in it. i want to type words here that PC will replace with stars. i need to go to bed.

T,

Now what? how can you help me? I have a simple but boring life. I've made piece with my past. By all accounts I'm well adjusted but I'm not. My weirdness is more medical then anything else but my kid still hates me. My husband and I are further apart and I have no feelings. Are you just giving up on me?

Dear T,

I'm reflecting on my needs list. I think that it's mentally fine tuned. I'm revisiting, as I mentioned, what I posted as a dating profile for that entire one week that I struggled with the online suggestion of pdoc. I like your word of mouth idea, but I'm seeing where something leads first.
I had put, my idea of a date was take me out to the ballgame. Juicy burgers over salads and taking a drive without destination. Or with willingness to see what's along the way. Oh and being approached first, matters. There's something about it, that leaves me confident that their heart is in it.
Communication comes down to respect and no power plays on either side. I could ramble the needs list.
I've learned that finances are an important matter of discussion. Not talking perfection, am talking does one know timing, as there's a time to spend there's a time to cut back. Is there a sense of responsibility?
How one interacts with others is important to observe, because that trickles down.

Thinking about these burgers and games and non destination drives.

I'm trying to test myself in knowing is a person emotionally safe to me or am I lacking flag raising abilities? I'm erring on the former.

That's it, for the moment.

Me

I sent this to T
****trigger for child abuse and sui***

Dear T,

I'm thinking, remembering what we talked about today- ( abuse at home and abuse at school- details deleted) in first grade. They happened in a supply closet at school. There were no witnesses. It occurs to me I don't know if anyone else in the world knew they were happening to me? I'm crying, truthfully.

School was supposed to be bright colors and games and making friends and learning new things. But to me school was just a continuation of the treatment I experienced at home. And school was failure. I felt like a failure. I was told I was failure. I raised my hand to ask if I could go to the bathroom. My 1st grade teacher: "Precaryous, I know you..and you just want to get out of work!" I had to go to the bathroom. I couldn't hold it.

Things didn't get better.

I was ten years old and I was out of my mind.

I didn't have anyone on my side anywhere. That sucks that my life was washed up by age ten. I didn't stand a chance in this world....and I was just ten years old.

What good does it do to remember it and cry about it now?

Then I sent this to T-
****trigger*** talking about giving up

Dear T,

Ok, look, it's 12:00 midnight and I'm crying. I'm taking my prescribed medicine so in a little while maybe I will be dreaming of glorious mountains, or faeries, or of a happy yellow day with little me running through crisp clean sheets drying on the clothesline. They smell great, btw.

I'm not upset that we are taking a closer look at my history. I'm glad that you know what happened to me.
I even asked for it...expecting some cathartic moment when I would unload a lifetime of unhappiness, gain understanding/insight and feel better. Well, the "feeling better" part is not happening.

So, why don't I feel better? What good does it do for me to feel depressed and cry about history now? How does that help me?

It just strikes me that crap things happened and yet I still tried....tried to be normal..tried to get good grades...tried to develop relationships...get married..have children..just like normal people. I certainly thought one day I would mature, catch up and feel normal... That didn't happen, either.

Right this second, I'm tired of trying.
I don't know why I try so hard to stay here.
It's really ironic.


I don't understand what I'm doing.

I can understand your frustration. It just seemed to make common sense to just learn how to deal with today and get brainwashed into becoming a " clinical robot ". That makes the therapists job a lot easier when all they have to do is something like cognitive therapy. I used to think that psychotherapy was BS although deep down I wanted to get to the root causes of my behavior and personality. But the fact is that's an impossible task as it's just too complicated. I believe that to cure a disease you have to get to the root of the problem , and psychology is in the primitive state of mankinds progression.
It's about catharsis. The hope is that a revelation will have an impact on your psyche enough to make a difference. To me the "why" was the ultimate question. Well I don't ask why all the time anymore and try to accept life for what is , a trip that can be good , bad , or usually somewhere in-between.

Wishing you the best

If I don't tell you something that you would want to know... Is that lying?

I'll leave you alone.
I'm sorry I'm a bother.
I'll go now.

I'm right there with you with all these "feels." And I'm also with you on "sitting on my hands," I've decided to try to stop contact between sessions.... my T has backed off on replies like she used to give, and I decided it just hurts me more to contact her. I guess I am pretty proud of myself to have made it this far...

Dear T,

It's useless. I'm not doing well, but there's nothing and no one that can help me. Pills don't help. Talking with you doesn't help. Talking to pdoc doesn't help. ECT didn't help, and most of it wasn't ECT anyway - they just tricked me into thinking that. I know you don't believe that, but I know it's true.

This sucks.

t,

Why do i feel you're going to terminate soon? best move on before that happens. I don't know how you can help me but please do.

T,

i had a good weekend T, sooo different from thursday when things felt like they were falling apart and i should give up. see you on tuesday

me

Dear MC,

I'm nervous to see you tomorrow. No idea what you're going to say or not say about the thing T talked to you about regarding what you're dealing with in your personal life. I'm afraid, depending on what you tell us, that I'll start crying. And you'll ask why it affects me that way. Even though you know the answer...Ii wish you could not make this into a therapeutic thing...when it's just a caring thing...

I wish I had time to fall apart, to curl up in my bed and be miserable for a few days. But I have people to not disappoint. If it weren't for the few hours here and there where I feel almost normal and actually loved by the people who care about me, I would lose my mind. Our next session seems so far away...

Dear T,

Another list word to add to this homework list. Sincerity.

Now maybe I can move onto a different section in my book?

Me

It's ****ing frustrating when you respond to other people's phone calls but not mine

Dear T,
I have NO clue what's going on with me right now. Something is wrong and I cannot figure out what or why or anything. H can tell that something isn't right either because he keeps asking me "are you OK? You don't look ok. What's wrong?" I keep telling him "nothing" is wrong because I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!! I'm just not happy, on the verge of tears 24/7, and I don't have a clue why!!
So how do I call or email you, or ask to move up our next appointment or whatever. I don't know what the problem is, so how can I ask for help? I hate this. THIS is just stupid, stupid, stupid....

Four years.

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I hate it when you're right about the dynamic with my husband, but you are. He has no compassion or empathy for me. There is nothing there to trust. I hate feeling alone in my marriage. I keep trying to make something out of this nothingness and get disappointed. When will I learn?

Connection. I'm starting to lose it. Sometimes I feel so pathetic for relying on you so much to keep me afloat but you are literally the only one who can do it. I miss you. Today I need you.

Dear university therapist,

I've been angry with myself again for the way I feel about you. I love you, and I hate that. However, you've just sent me an email that made me laugh, and I feel less upset now. Thank you.

I wish I could just let myself love you without beating myself up about it, but it just feels so wrong. I'm 27, so why does it feel like I'm a child wanting her mum's approval?

I miss you a lot and I wish things could go back to how they used to be. I want the old you back..

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Why do you always have to be late!?!

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STNG S03E016.... I wish there was someone else in my life other than you, who appreciated just how happy I am that its this episode today