Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Dear Pdoc

I miss you so much. 7 weeks is so long. I'm still not sure if it wouldn't be better to quit. I've been thinking that for months. Now it isn't because of the anxiety that I want to quit. It's because I'm thinking about you all the time. It's exhausting. When I think about you, I get sad because I can't be with you, jealous because there might be a woman who can be with you, anxious because I'm afraid I will always be alone. I feel lonely. I'm hurting. I'm tired. I feel ugly. I feel worthless. But I can really feel it in my body. I don't know how to describe it, but it's not a pleasant feeling.
I don't know if not seeing you anymore would help. Maybe it's ''out of sight, out of heart''. Maybe I will slowly get over you. Or maybe I will keep thinking about you for a very long time and I will be very heartbroken that I won't see you anymore.
I just want to stop feeling so bad.

T,

sometimes i feel like you are not a safe person and i interpret you as being cold. it bothers me and i dont know if this is really happening or if im just being ****ed up

um,

me

I hope it is OK to write about what I read. That feels like I could have written it. My history does say out of sight out of mind but my history also finds me doing the same thing with someone else. It is exhausting.

Dear MC,
Thanks again for being so kind about the 3 am text Saturday. I was nervous to see you today, but I'm glad you continued being compassionate toward me.

You asked me today if I felt an emotional void that no one could really fill, including my H (and said I need to learn, with support from you, T, H, etc., to fill it myself). Because it's from the past, like my childhood.

Did you ask me that because you've had that void, too? Because from stuff you've said about your father and childhood (and what I can see in your eyes), I think maybe you do. Or did, and figured out (through therapy, etc.) how to fill it. I know that's work I should be doing with my individual T. But I don't get the sense she's had the void. I wish I could work on it with you. Because you understand. You just understand me in ways I don't think she could, despite all her training. Because you're a lot like me.

Dear t i don't know how to not feel these feels.

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Thank you for being understanding and not giving me a talking to. You shocked me today when you told me you think I should take medicine for my panic and anxiety. You said that you don't think I indulge myself enough to get a break. I wonder what that means, really? I thought you would be afraid I would become dependent or escapist, but your response was so clear that I needed to let myself relax, I wonder what you're seeing that I'm missing about myself.

Any way, thank you for being patient and not getting angry.

You have drained me.

Dear MC,
I think I'm having withdrawal from you after our rather intense session today. I just feel this intense longing for you. I wish I could be curled up in your arms right now...

I'm not alright. I'm not well. I'm ill. I wish you could just wrap me in bubble wrap, shrink me, and keep me in your pocket. I hate how alone all of this is. Feels.

T, it really hit me today that there's no one left. They're all gone now. And on top of even that, seeing you today seemed hollow and all the things you told me felt meaningless. I'm just going through the motions from day to day now.

Do you still think my career is meaningless? Do you still think it was ok to throw me under the bus? Does it phase you at all that you ruined my career that I worked so hard for? Seems to me that you really don't care at all.

So, how is your career doing these days? Feeling any repercussions yet?

Dear uni therapist,

You say that I resist affection, that I simply reject it, which is true, and you also acknowledge the reasons why I do it; it's foreign to me, I don't know what to do with it, and I really don't think I deserve it. But you have no idea how much I actually want it, and how much I wish I could accept it from you. The problem with the latter is that it scares me, because I know there's a limit and an expiration date to it.

Darling T,

Are you sure I'm safe with you?
I'm having doubts again.
They aren't my doubts.
Yet, the are there.
I would text and ask you, again.
It would be annoying.
I don't want to frustrate you.
You said it would be impossible to upset or frustrate you.
At least you won't show it to my face.
I worry about what you say/think about me,
When I'm not around.

EM

When my friend said she's struggling to set up weekly appointments with you because you are so busy, I felt really good that I always have my weekly slot with you, and you always find me another slot when one of us can't do our usual time. It made me feel like I'm important to you.

I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm not thinking straight and I am so so sorry.

Crying again today over what you and others did to me. You should all be embarrassed but I know you don't care because you turned your back on me. Why??

Thank you so much. I always walk out of your office feeling better. You are not allowed to retire, move away or anything else. Ever. OK?

I think about how insignificant I probably am to you yet the reverse isn't true. You are the only reason why I do some of the things that I do. I think about when you disappear from my life... If I think like I do now I will see no reason to behave anymore. One might think that I would stay clean, for instance, because it's better for me or at least because that's what you would've wanted. No. I imagine that if you leave me while I'm still sick in the head, all Hell would break loose.

I also know that I should stay clean for me. I should try living a better life for me. Not hurt myself or worse for me but I don't do anything like that for me because I don't like me. The last time this type of subject came up you were well aware that I do what I do for you but I see no reason to remind you because it would feel like emotional blackmail.

It was just a thought I had. The thought that I hope that you can wait to retire a little bit longer because if I hate myself like I do now when you go... Well I don't want to repeat myself.

Thank you for walking me through this fear tonight. How am I ever supposed to wean myself from you? You said it would happen naturally, I just hope you don't get tired of me and leave before then.

T, I'm about to lose my job. It feels like the last straw. I've reached out to you in a panic. I keep praying that I'll wake up and find out this year has just been a dream.

OK, I admit I was a fool to trust you. Now your turn.....

Dear T

You're back at work today. If you hadn't planned today and tomorow full, I could have see you. But I've got to wait another 8 days to see you.
Do I even want to go back to therapy? I really don't know. 3 weeks without therapy. It doesn't really make a difference. So I don't have 45 minutes a week to talk about my stuff. I've been having trouble being honest to you. It's not that I lie to you, I'm just afraid to talk about some things. And I also feel like it's all just useless. 8 full months of therapy now, and there hasn't been any change. I'm trying, I do the excersizes you give me and everything. But my thoughts are the same: everything is useless, it's hopeless, I'm a failure, I can't do anything, things will never get beter
Those thoughts and my feelings don't change. Like 1-2 months ago I had a doubt that maybe things could, but now...
I'm a mess. I've no one to talk to. I've been alone without help for 3 weeks now. Why would I go back. It's pointless.

Now I'm confused. You think I treat you like my father/brother/husband, but I thought you were someone I could trust and talk to?

I hate waiting for the client before to finish (late). I hate this f***ing day. And while I'm grateful to you I feel everything has changed. Everything.

I hope when I see you today that I can tell you how desperate I'm feeling. How alone. How bad I hurt. I just put on my smile and keep going but it's fading and everything is starting to slip away.