Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

ugh!! I caved in and sent you an email. So you know now. I'm such a dough-head. I'm sorry.

yeah i'm a dough-head too, i caved and texted this morning asking for an appt this week. i really was going to wait 2 weeks this time. i really was. i see how far that got me!

Dear T,
Damn, you really cut through the fog today didn't you? You're challenging me. I think I like it.
And still adorable. Keep it up.

I just really, really, really, really appreciate you. I don't know why I'm so afraid to say it to your face.

T, this homework - the conversation between my inner anger and inner good little girl - it's harder than I thought it would be. Good little girl keeps going "poof" every time I try to work on it a little more. This is why I asked today to talk again this week. I really need to stop this weekly stuff, h is gonna be furious, but... what am I gonna do? We're doing some good work right now and I don't want to lose the momentum by skipping a week!!

To you I am just one of many clients, but to me, you are everything. Even though I only see you once a week or once every two weeks, you loom large in my life. You are my life right now, my secure base from which to go back out into the frightening, cold, and hostile world.

now that I've sent you that email, I feel like I'm 6 yrs old again and I want to hide in the corner, behind the piano, so you can't see me.

I'll never vocalise this, but today I really need a hug.

Dear MC,
When you brought up my e-mail (which you kept saying was a text, but it was an e-mail! even if you did read it on your phone!) yesterday, I was expecting you to say that we couldn't really talk about my stuff in our sessions anymore but had to just talk about stuff with H and I. And I was dreading that. So I was surprised when you instead ended up spending the whole session talking about stuff with me (and saying it was OK to do that some in the future, since H is OK with it). When you were asking about why I felt the want/need to e-mail, I think you were right that sometimes it's about reassurance and sometimes just about the desire for a connection with you. But I was kind of scared to admit that to you. I'm pretty sure my tears when you asked that gave my answer for me though...

Also I really appreciate you reassuring me multiple times that you're not saying I can't or shouldn't e-mail/otherwise contact you or that I'm annoying or anything. And when I made mention of the 3 am text a month ago and said I still felt kinda bad about that, you confirmed again that you weren't mad, that nothing I'd ever done has made you angry.

I guess it's just hard for me to understand sometimes how you can be so accepting and so caring toward me. I could really see it in your eyes yesterday. I wish you could always be part of my life...

Dear T, P.S.
Are you reading these forums? Are you psychic? Were you listening outside my window when I discussed with my friend how little you share about your personal life?

All of a sudden, you shared anecdote from your own life that was so personal, it feels like you left the window open. And damn, Girl, the air let in from that little revelation was a but cold... but crisp, and refreshing enough. Like a splash of water just when I needed a reality check of my own.

So um, thanks for that.

You never cease to amaze me with your responses to my emails. How DO you do that? How is it that you make me feel better and "OK" about what I'm going thru?

I am grateful that you have a cancelation for tomorrow that I might be able to make. I hope traffic cooperates and I get there on time. I thought for sure you would have taken this opportunity to run for the hills away from me. I didn't want to have to wait 5 weeks to see you again. Even though I know you think I left the hospital too early. I probably did but I just couldn't spend another weekend there. Sorry.

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Dear T,
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be mean and dismissive. You give me so much and most of the time I feel so much love for you, I don't know where to put it. But Lately I'm this **** version of myself that almost doesn't recognize you and I wish I wasn't like that.

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I'm feeling low this week. All the self-hatred came flooding back. I don't think this stuff I'm on is working.

Bitter. Bitter. So God damned bitter. Unless you have a ****ing time machine I don't know what you can do about it.

Oh boy this assignment t! I sorta see, that if Anger and GLG could work together, they would balance each other out perfectly. That's the 'wholeness' that you talk about all the time, isn't it? They are so so so separate right now. It's like, I can't even claim Anger as part of me, let alone allow it and GLG to work together. I remember we talked about this stuff before. Please don't remind me cuz I know we have. We're revisiting it, with me in a different place than last time, so it's really the FIRST time for the current version of me if that makes any sense so please please t don't lose patience with me now. And damn it all I kinda feel like I love you more than ever for putting up with me. It makes me want to ask Anger if there is anything it can do about this ridiculous attachment I have to you. Yes, it's ridiculous. Don't try to tell me it's not. (Ooh, was that Anger chiming in here?) You are my t. That's it. Yes, as I told you before, a talented, warm and caring t, but you are ONLY my t. I need to just get over this idiocy. Gah! I will make myself talk about this on Thursday.

p.s. I ****** hate this relationship sometimes!!!!!!!

(thank you, Anger.)

What....are you leaving me?!

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I am so glad I have your voice, love and care internalized inside of me so I don't have to bother you. It feels so good. Your voice is so special to me. I could listen to you talk about anything forever and ever.

Dear T,
Sorry for all the e-mails. I know we'll have plenty to talk about tomorrow. And I'm staying safe. I'd call you if I wasn't. We may have tossed the care plan out the window, but not the safety one.

I slept! Thank you You had very kind eyes yesterday. I needed that.

Dear T,

I know I'll never mean a lot to you.

One more day and you'll get to see "little girl me" visit you. I don't feel good about that at all, but I did warn you that day might come. Sort of anyway. Did I ever tell you that my mother (aka the "wicked witch") majored in Social Work in college? Yeah, well I kinda turn my nose up (and roll my eyes) at your degree. Not fair, I know. If T1 hadn't recommended you...

I saw you try to hold my gaze today when I was sad, I don't know why I looked away. It's taken me ten months but I think I am developing attachment towards you.

Liz,

Everytime you ask me if I feel "safe", I internally roll my eyes. I hate that word.

It's meaningless.