Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

T, I am ashamed of myself. I lied to you yesterday. When you asked me what I was feeling, I stared out the window and said "I don't know" but of course I knew. I was feeling love for you and so grateful to you. It's not so much that I was afraid of saying it, I wasn't and I'm not, I've said it before, I think what I was afraid of, is with Anger and Persecutor being "in the room" with us, they would have lambasted me for admitting it and I didn't want to deal with that. I probably should, though. Thanks for letting me drum. I do love you, you know.

T,

are you a sleeping????

me

Darling T,

I fear I have upset you. I know I haven't. I'm sorry. Have a good weekend and I'll try not to bother you anymore.

EM

Dear T,

I really don't know if I can see you again. I'm so exposed sitting in that chair, with your eyes piercing through me. I can't hide anymore. I can't act.

I don't want to talk about me anymore, I don't want to be examined, because under all the superficial, I fear there is absolutely nothing. I am zero.

Truth is I just want to keep the meds to keep me sedated, so I can play the game of life, and keep away from knowing/understanding too much. I'm sure I can get them from another T.

I'm sorry.

LB

Yesterday, when you told me you loved me, I really wanted to say it back. I was shaking and it was hard to breathe, but all I was thinking about was to tell you I love you, too. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I'm sorry. I don't know why it feels so important that you know. Instead of backing off, when I didn't say it back, you hugged me and kissed my forehead. Your kindness is changing everything. And I love you so much I'm unable to put it in words.

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You said you think our talks are helping me, and I need to see you more often. Believe me, I want to. But I'm soooo scared I'm going to get attached to you and I'll never want to quit therapy.

Dear T and Pdoc

I don't know how I am, how I feel. I don't feel bad, but I also don't feel good. I think I feel sort of numb, but not totally numb. I don't know.
I don't have motivation or hope. I don't have hopeful thoughts about the future. I don't think I have a future worth living.
With thoughts like those, I can't feel good. But then what do I feel? Sometimes I just don't understand my feelings, myself.
I feel like I should feel bad. I mean, if I have those thoughts, then I should also feel bad, right? I want to feel bad, because I feel like I should.
Sometimes it's all just so confusing.

You wanted me to keep a journal that you could read. Last time I saw you, you were disappointed because I had only written one entry... This time round I feel like I have written too much. Why would you want to read several pages of me moaning about life? I'm embarrassed by what I have written but there isn't anything I can do now. I preferred it when I used to print out things I had written online...I could edit that and pick and choose what I showed you. I guess that is the point, so I can't hide it from you. But I still don't like it. I just hope this plan of yours works...I can't keep going on like this

Oh T. You are good at knowing what homework is going to be meaningful for me. Admit it lol. I did the drawing, second-guessed myself and thought I needed to redo it, but now I've decided I don't think I do. I will show it to you when I see you Thursday and we can talk about it. You said something about "putting faces on them" but I don't know how to draw actual faces so... this is what I can do. Your other suggestion about the 'round table' - wouldn't that be spectacular if I dreamed them all sitting around a table and talking?! Ha. Just don't tell me to journey into the drawing. Not gonna go there. Just like I didn't want to go there the other day even with you in the room. That would make them all too real. Not scared of GLG or Ego but Anger and Persecutor? Eek. My journey world is a safe place. I do not want to bring THEM into it.

Dearest T,

I love you, too.

Dear university therapist/mentor,

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't know if I can handle this emotionally overwhelming process where I constantly have to fight against all the "love" and "nurture" and "I'm so proud of you" stuff that I'm sure is just an act anyway. I don't understand how anyone could possibly feel that way about me.

It really hurts.

Darling T,

I miss you.

EM

Since I emailed you, I'm grieving again. I'm even angry at you. I thought I had put that behind me. And, of course, I'm missing you.

Thinking about you and our last session comforts me. I can still remember the way you looked when I told you how much you and the therapy meant to me. I could tell you were moved by it. I had never seen you like that.

Dear MC,
I'm kinda sad we won't be seeing you at your usual time tomorrow. Yeah, we're seeing you Wednesday, but I'm used to the Monday thing. Though I am glad you're getting to actually see your team play in the playoffs. I hope they win--not just tomorrow, but the whole thing--since that would make you happy. And you deserve to be happy!

T,

I'm sure you think I'm disgusting and a waste of your time... You have other, sicker patients who need you more.

I always go over our 1 hour sessions to at least 1 hour 30 minutes. No wonder you click your pen repeatedly past the 1 hour mark. I must be such a pain.

Dear T
are you relieved that I'm gone?

*
One day your lying deceitful ways will catch up with you. Don't be surprised when it does. You need only think of what you did to me to know why.

Darling T,

I'm trying so hard to not contact you.
Everything is falling apart again.
It's crushing.
I need you.
I miss you.
I wish I could text you.
You will be saddened that I didn't.
I don't want to bother you.
I want to be invisible.
I want to be strong enough to stand up for myself.
I want to be happy.
I want to curl up in a hole in the ground,
and hide. Forever.
I can't do this anymore.
Why am I resisting when I know I should reach out?
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to make it til Thursday....

EM

I can't believe your birthday is just 6 days after mine, and we are both having significant birthdays this year, just ten years apart.

I can't bring myself to be annoyed that you have other commitments, that would be totally unreasonable. I do however hate it when we have to miss sessions. The little time we have together is really important to me, and we never seem to be able to make up the lost time.

I'm still having the nightmares, my breaking point is getting closer. Please can we fix this.

I can't believe I let my guard down. I let you know something that makes me feel vulnerable and you reenact it? Setting off my PTSD....really? Is that therapy? I didn't sign on for exposure therapy.

He came back?!?!

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Dear Ex-T,

Why did you call the cops for a wellness check when you no longer are my therapist. And you told the cop you were my therapist. When I told him you aren't he said why email you then. All I was doing was responding to your email which I have done in the past. I wasn't a threat to myself or anyone else. The cop made me feel bad for responding back to you. I'm angry with you and I think I'm over you now. I don't understand. You didn't have to contact me if you wanted it to be over. I don't know how to feel anymore and I have no one to talk to about this or what was going on. I didn't even ask for advice or help. Why did you do what you did? I guess you don't want me back as a client once you return to the work force. You didn't have to run me away. All you had to do was say this is the end. I don't know why I still have love for you and respect. I don't know how to feel anymore about you and about going back to you.

Dear T- you are too kind to me, and when I e-mailed you that, you said I deserved it. If I wasn't 75% robot, I would have cried. I had gotten myself all worked up about sending you the original e-mail, and was telling myself that yesterday was a holiday, so you were probably away with your family, but then I got your response, and you had been thinking about what I wrote before you wrote back. Like I said, too kind.

Dear T

Tomorrow I see you again. I want to quit therapy. I'm so done with it. I have anough of it. I'm not going to get better. I'll never change. Maybe it's time to just accept that I'm a failure.
I don't want to talk. I'm tired of talking. 45 minutes is too long. It was often too short, but now it's just too long.
I can't be positive. I can't think/believe that it's all worth it. And it's useless to talk about that again and again. After almost 10 months my thinking hasn't changed yet. I'm so tired.
We should just accept that I am this. I'm nothing. You said that I can't say I'm hopeless until I've tried everything, until I really tried what we're doing know. But how can I give everything, how can I give 100%, when I think it's all hopeless?

I don't have any motivation. You say I should just continue with what we're doing, even if it feels pointless and such. You say that I should do it often and keep doing it and that after some time, actually a long time, months, that then I'll start believing and such.
But it's so hard to continue. To do things. It's so hard to do stuff, life things, when you feel and you feel like you know, that everything is pointless and not worth it.
We've talked about this several times. You say you understand me, but do you really? You don't know how I feel. I can tell you, but you haven't felt this, so you don't really know how it feels. Meybe you do know what you say. You're a T. My experiences with previous t's weren't good. I've never talked with anyone about this. So maybe an other good T would say the same things as you?

I'm crying a little bit. I haven't really cried for some time. I don't know why. Numb I think.
I just don't want to do life.