I can feel myself going into self destruct mode. It is like i am going to just burst or explode or anything because i cant keep it in any longer i dont want to keep hiding from people and pretending to be ok so they are happy. I want my head to stop but it wont i dont feel in control of myself anymore. I dont even know what i am doing most of the time and i cant remember anything i keep going off at the smallest things and i am so scared all the time and i cant get rid of the feeiling that people are watching and following me and that there are demons attached to me i keep dissociating and i just dont know if i want to keep trying anymore i dont know that i see the point i dont feel any real hope anymore my psychologist says things can get better but i dont believe it and also i dont know why settle for better not good nothing will ever be truly good so why do i bother.

[Leah123]

Can you go watch your favorite movie? Or take yourself out on a really long tiring walk? Or drag yourself to a coffee shop?

It sounds like you need and deserve a break from the extremely painful emotions and thoughts you're dealing with right now, and sometimes I've found a change of scenery is the absolute best way to do it- as our bodies move, our minds too shift perspective, if not completely, enough for a little relief. (((hugs)))

[ThingWithFeathers]

Eden, you know where I was a few weeks ago. Please, please know that it will get better. I know it might not feel like it will, but it will

[LonesomeTonight]

When do you see your T again? Maybe print out what you typed here and bring it with you. You seem to convey your despair very well in writing, so showing what you wrote might help your T to understand more. Or maybe call or e-mail your T before your appointment if it's not for a while.

And I agree with Leah to try doing things to get out of your head. If you can't stop the thoughts, then try writing them all down. It helps me to write things out, even if you don't show anyone.

I am trying to go do thing go to the shops (small ones i can deal with big crowds) but it is just making me stressed i have been trying to just focus on my school work but i am failing and it is just making me tired. i have an appointment with my psychologist in a couple of days but i dont know that it will do much i feel like i am wasiting his and everyone elses time i am not worth the effort people are putting in even if it isnt much i am still not worth it.

i am also isolating myself a lot too i havent spoken to anyone in ages and i feel bad but i just cant deal with people at the moment i have been trying to exercise and eat more but each time i eat i want to make myself throw up i hate food and i hate eating i am so tired i havent slept for more than a few hours a night in 9 months and things keep getting worse but i dont have the energy to fight my head or the other things i just want to curl up in a ball and hide somewhere dark. i know i am pushing people away but it is only so they will let me go quietly i am just i dont even know anymore i feel like something is pulling me down deeper and deeper into a black hole and i am swirling around and around with nothing to cling to flailing and screaming but no one can hear me there is no light it is dark and i will never see the light again because i am being sucked too fast.

i also feel the urge to destroy other things sometimes.

[Leah123]

I've destroyed things when I was upset, I don't see anything wrong with that as long as it's relatively safe for you and others.

I've destroyed glass and boxes, off the top of my head. Smashing in cardboard boxes with a metal pipe was surprisingly relieving.

Some of the urges are "safe" some are not. If i even tear up paper i get in trouble with my parents. I am not allowed/supposed to express my feelings in my house people get mad at me if i do.

[Leah123]

Perhaps you can imagine a plan to destroy something and carry out your plan tomorrow so you can have some relief with having a plan in the meantime.

For example, if you can't destroy things at home, perhaps you can tear up something at a park in a quiet area or write some letters and shred them away from home, or go out in nature, build a figure of something or someone bothering you and then destroy that. Whatever you need to do to express the destructive feeling in a helpful safe way.

I could try paper outside but you can get fined for littering ...... maybe i will see if there is a rock i could kick the only thing i am worried about is that if i start expressing my self everything will come out and i will lose control completely and then i would carry out the unsafe urges too.

Possible trigger:

i have a very very strong urge to start stabbing myself and never stop

[Leah123]

That's a typical fear but usually, vented feelings dissipate.

I do recommend you contact your healthcare provider, whether that's your therapist or another professional an let them know about the self-harm urges if you are concerned about keeping yourself safe.

Act as you would if it was your best friend in the same situation, treat yourself as you would someone who needed you that you wanted to help, and do that for yourself.

I just worry because often when i start

Possible trigger:

cutting and/or hitting myself

i cant stop and keep going until it hurts so much the pain brings me back.

I dont have a best friend probably because i am a horrible person and i dont think I can be nice to myself i dont deserve it.

My hands have been bleeding all day from washing them. I haven't managed to write the î for school that is going to be due in and which I have to present tomorrow btw here is is like 3am nearly I don't even know what is going on anymore.

[divine1966]

I am very concerned about your well being. Something needs to get done. I am begging you call a doctor

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[Cinnamon_Stick]

Please Eden call your T. I have been in a similar place as you many times before and I didn't think things got better. Things do get better. The best thing I did when I was feeling as you are was to call my T. It helped just to hear her comforting voice and have her talk to me when I was in such a dark place. Hugs to you!

I won't call as I have an appointment soon also I can't speak on phones I go pretty much mute.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by eden1515

I won't call as I have an appointment soon also I can't speak on phones I go pretty much mute.

Please stay safe until then. Try coping in healthy ways.

None of my "healthy ways" seem to be working they haven't for months .

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by eden1515

I won't call as I have an appointment soon also I can't speak on phones I go pretty much mute.

I hope appointment comes up very soon. I understand about the phones. I hate them too

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[LonesomeTonight]

Is it possible to e-mail or text your T? It also might help for your appointment to type or write something out and bring it with you. Take care of yourself.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by eden1515

None of my "healthy ways" seem to be working they haven't for months .

Please at least stay safe until your appointment with your T. Talk to people on here. Everyone is so nice and helpful. As someone else suggested, could you email your T and let her know how bad things are so at least she knows now?

My psychologist is a he. I have written something down to give to him but i dont see how it will help i am trying but i dont know why i dont know what is happening anymore i keep dissociating and it is hard to stay in one place.

School is becoming very stressful and i dont know if i can keep going cause i feel very on edge there and it never stops i feel like i am going to start shouting at everyone or burst out crying i dont know which. I am sorry.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by eden1515

School is becoming very stressful and i dont know if i can keep going cause i feel very on edge there and it never stops i feel like i am going to start shouting at everyone or burst out crying i dont know which. I am sorry.

Does your school have any sort of guidance counselor or psychologist on staff? If so, if you're feeling bad in the middle of the school day, maybe you could talk to them. (Not sure how things are set up in Australia.) Or is there a teacher you particularly like and trust that you could talk to? If you have someone at school who knows how stressed you are, it might help, knowing you have support in place there.

I have a room I can go to but sometimes there are other people there and we do have a psychologist/counsellor at school but every time I try and get the courage to speak to her I start having a panic attack and run away.