it was a very weird session. disconnected. i guess we were still on the topic of what we are doing... and on the topic of how i need to function better than i have been. i sent him this email afterwards:

(i will warn people that this might be triggering to people with DID. i'm trying to come to a conception of my difficulties that works for me. it might not work for others. everyone needs to find their own way. this is me though. its something that alters a bit through time... but this is me).

here it is:

Hey. I wanted to send you this because I'm not sure how to talk about it...

Trauma work... Maybe... I am ready to do that.

I found something last week from those trauma pages:

> The critical issue is to introduce the capacity to flexibly remember the trauma. In order for this to occur, some new information that is incompatible to the traumatic memory must be introduced (Foa et al., 1989). The most important new information is probably the fact that the patient is able to confront the traumatic memory by a trusted therapist in a safe environment (van der Hart & Spiegel,1993). In order to help the patient regulate emotional arousal, secure attachment may be even more important than evoking the traumatic memories. Therefore, it is important for the patient to establish and maintain an emotional connection with the therapist.

http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/vanderk.php

My DBT therapist used to smile at me and say 'be kind to yourself' instead of trying to do the cognitive restructuring thing. Now... When those kinds of thoughts occur to me I remember her kind face and her tone of voice and it helps. It helps me be able to look at myself kindly. It helps me be kind to myself. It helps. Not sure if you remember this but I felt shame once. And you just kind of sat there... And I felt like you were kind of feeling it too. And it was ok 'cause you weren't running from it or afraid of it or averse to it or anything. And you just let me feel it and didn't try and make it go away or anything and you were there with me. The shame feels a bit easier now 'cause when I feel it I remember you being there. It feels like you are there, and it helps.

I guess pacing is hard. I know that its not supposed to be just about narrating, I know I have to feel the feelings too. But feel them a bit in a manageable way. I haven't done much of this before... Therapists are usually focused on trying to change the feeling (through cognitive restructuring or distraction or whatever). But I have done some... I know that sometimes talking about it and feeling it makes things a bit worse for a time. But then othertimes talking about it and feeling it makes things a bit better for a time and it is like I actually can properly put it out of my mind for a bit and focus on my work. I guess pacing is hard. But I'm willing to try. I guess I wanted to say that.

Here are the crucial bits from Griffiths:

> The potential to develop MPS could have developed very differently. Another society might make something very different of the individuals who are now made into sufferers of MPS.

> Socially constructed categories in this third sense are social pretenses that cannot survive the realisation that they are merely our inventions. The general acceptance of Hacking's analysis of multiple personality syndrome would have a corrosive effect on the social practices of the modern MPS community.

So... What is one left with? I have the realisation... But where does that leave me?

If alters just are complexes of thoughts / feelings / behaviours then what is the difference between losing time / being taken over by ruminations of thoughts / feelings / behaviours and being losing time / being taken over by alters? Why describe things the latter way when the first one will do?

I'm sorry the contract thing didn't work...

Knowing medications (e.g., SSRI's) are largely placebo tends to undermine their placebo response...

I have the realisation... But where does that leave me?

> In 1928, celebrating the fiftieth anniversary of Charcot's version of hysteria in La Revolution Surrealiste, Louis Aragon and Andre Breton proposed their alternative definition: 'This mental condition is based on the need of reciprocal seduction, which explains the hastily accepted miracles of medical suggestion (or countersuggestion). Hysteria is not a pathological phenomenon and may in all respects be considered a supreme means of expression.'... Aragon and Breton, physicians manques, understood as well as anyone what Charcot and Freud appeared to forget - that the symptoms of hysteria were always shaped by the 'reciprocal seduction' of doctor and patient.'

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/009...&sr=1-1&seller =

What does one need to say... What does one need to do... To get a little help?
Would you have referred me on for DBT if I had just told you about that?
I wonder... I don't know.
It doesn't matter now.
But you need to know.
This isn't denial.

I don't want to play the game.
I don't want to play games at all.
Games are a defence.
A diversion from the real stuff.
The real stuff that needs to be worked through.
Because...
I really really really really really want to get better.
I want to do the work.

I'm just don't think that focusing on currently fashionable symptoms is the optimal way to do that.

Make sense?

PS I don't expect you to answer. I just find this hard to express in person. Wanted to send it to you. Can talk about it on Friday. See you then.

________________

I'm not sure what he will make of it... but i need him to hear me on this. i just found that passage yesterday... about 'mutual seduction'. i think there might be something to that. what do i have to do to get you to want to work with me, to want to help me? i see your interest... i see the way your face lights up. dammit... i want to get better.

I was telling him about how sometimes I get stuck. Think 'i'll just sit down for 5' and then its two hours later. He thought if i made a contract with them it might help. I was like... It is trauma ruminations that is what it is. A contract won't help. He looked dubious. I was like 'I see the clock every 5 or 10 minutes but I'm just not done yet' (he thought they might be doing other things). He was like 'what are you doing?' I'm like 'I'm collecting myself to get ready' and he was like 'hmm... collecting yourself... what does that mean'?

There is something in the lit about how people deny DID one minute only to emphasise their symptoms the next. He was trying to get me to do that.

Damn him. How long is it going to take for him to believe me?

Or to see that his fishing...

Is what tends to make it so.

I won't play the game...

Will he reject me?

[sunrise]

Alex, that is a very challenging letter you sent to your T.

I like this bit from your message to us, that you did not include in the letter to T:

"what do i have to do to get you to want to work with me, to want to help me? i see your interest... i see the way your face lights up. dammit... i want to get better."

That is very powerful, in direct, plain language, in your own words. The "stanzas" you did include in your T letter are similar: ("What does one need to say... what does one need to do... to get a little help?") I think this sort of message can pierce through and connect. Sometimes quoting experts and their passages can camoflauge one's true intent. I love it when you use your own words--you write and express yourself beautifully.

What techniques does your T tend to favor to deal with trauma? My therapist is a trauma specialist (among other hats he wears). He has good results with EMDR, which helps process stuck trauma. I have done EMDR about 4 times to deal with childhood trauma and had good results. Maybe it's good you have the trauma to work on in therapy, as this can relieve some of the pressure to have your alters come out and talk directly with him. This could relieve some of your T's focus on that, and he could redirect to work with you on the trauma, a challenge that maybe he has some good methods for dealing with. Resolving trauma would be a huge accomplishment in therapy! It would help build the alliance through your working together on this, and also set the stage for whatever you do next (in therapy). (Does he know you want to work on the trauma?)

Hang in there, alex. I'm glad you have another session this week.

> Sometimes quoting experts and their passages can camoflauge one's true intent. I love it when you use your own words--you write and express yourself beautifully.

hey. thanks... i'm not sure what you mean about quoting people. sometimes its that they have said it in a way that i can't seem to capture. the 'what do i need to do?' thing was meant to be 'what symptoms to i need to exhibit?' e.g., i know he wants to meet kt. to be compliant... to try and make him want to work with me... i should play along with that. allow that to happen. but... i don't believe that that is what i need to do to get better. it is just that that might be what i need to do to retain him. and i need him to help me get better. its still not very clear. i'm sorry.

> What techniques does your T tend to favor to deal with trauma?

i think he will be okay with what i've said. he has said that he has been very influenced by Linehan (hence mindfulness and acceptance), Kohut (hence empathetic attunement), Schore (hence right hemispheric communication and his views on trauma processing, I guess) and the Holland Research Group (the stuff on the EP and ANP and more trauma processing along the lines of Schore). I'm pretty sure he has read the article that I quoted from about how it is the connection to the therapist that is the crucial thing for recovery. I kind of elaborated on that idea with my account of my past therapist who helped me deal with derogatory cognititions and how he helped me deal with shame.

> Maybe it's good you have the trauma to work on in therapy, as this can relieve some of the pressure to have your alters come out and talk directly with him. This could relieve some of your T's focus on that, and he could redirect to work with you on the trauma, a challenge that maybe he has some good methods for dealing with.

We were talking about how I need to function better hence things needed to go slower. Basically... I fell apart with my functioning during his time off. We are still re-establishing our connection. The last session still felt pretty disconnected. I was telling him about how I get caught in these ruminations (I call them). Basically caught in episodic memories / emotional memories of intense dysregulated affect / head circles of unhelpful thoughts and stuff like that. He said that one thing we could work on was trauma work... But we needed to take things slow because I still needed to function... So another thing we could work on was contracting with the alters so that I wouldn't ruminate like that... Maybe we was using a false dilemma thing so I'll agree to do trauma work after all. If that was his intention (and it may well have been) then it worked.

Damn him.

Thanks... Hanging in there...

[SecretGarden]

Alex... I wish to respond but can not get my head around all of this. I know it is important to do the work and do it at a pace that you can manage. I understand --at least from my perspective.

Good luck with the trauma work. ..... are you saying that what he has gotten you to do what he wants to do ...HOW he wants to or are you still able to negotiate that as you go? I hope that would be the case... Take care of you. I think today is another T day for you.

[Gemstone]

Let us know how he responds to this. I hope you have a good session today.

If I understand correctly (I'm sorry if I'm not), you want to work through the trauma without doing the conventional DID treatment thing. You want to work through it, and not have him work through "them" (with contracting etc.). If I'm misunderstanding any of this at all I'm sorry. I've had a hard time understanding anything lately.

This makes sense to me though. I'm about to start over with a new t, and I don't want to do the conventional thing again. I want therapy to be about me, and I don't want the new person to try and communicate with anyone else. I just want to work through things and get better if that is possible. I don't think "conventional" has helped me. I think you might be right about it being a diversion from the real stuff.

I'm sorry for kind of hijacking. Its just I think this made a lot of sense to me.

hey secretgarden. i think things are okay between me and my t. i think its okay. i think he is having trouble understanding what i'm saying too. but then... i think that sometimes i'm not very sure what i'm saying either.

feel a bit caught. said something... i said 'sometimes i think i'm just being contrary' and he said 'no' fairly emphatically. but... i really do think... that is it. (i'm going to start another thread on the terrible twos / seperation individuation).

hey gemstone. not hijacking. yeah, you understood just fine. when do you meet your new therapist? i hope that things go well for you. yeah, you understood me fine. i don't know whether it will work out at the end or not... but i need to try things this way.

the session was weird... having a lot of weird sessions lately. it was okay though... but kinda weird, yeah.

he hadn't checked his email so he checked it in session and then we talked about various things. mostly... what i remember... is me kind of being a bit removed and disconnected and him trying to connect with me. it seemed quite deliberative...

he would try and take an idealising transference...

no, that wasn't what i needed.

he would try and take a mirroring transference...

no, that wasn't what i needed either (though i didn't think that he really did understand).

then he... kind of metaphorically rolled over. said something (i really don't think it was jokey) that was kind of idealising of me, i guess.

no, that wasn't what i needed either. though... part of me (w.) can be fairly grandiose and i felt a little bit inflated then - shame.

didn't emotionally respond to any of it...

then i said 'sometimes i think i'm just being contrary'. and he said 'no' emphatically. and... i stayed numb... at the time i didn't know what was going on. in hindsight i should have said 'NO! i actually AM contrary sometimes'. but i didn't really know what was up with me... at that point i think i ended up apologising. he seems really uncomfortable when i do that. kind of leans forward and metaphorically reaches out to me and says emphatically 'you have NOTHING to apologise for'.

but...

i think i've figured that i AM being contrary and i think i get why... i'll start another thread on seperation individuation / the terrible twos...

[SecretGarden]

These are difficult times Alex... and you are both working at connecting. It is important work and you are negotiating and trying to come to some understanding. Well, you could be contrary but do you not feel that perhaps that is rather reciprocal from earlier sessions?

The twos are a difficult time to sort out.... I look forward to your next thread.

[Gemstone]

I start with my new therapist on Tuesday. I hope everything works out too, but I'm very nervous to start with someone new.

It sounds like you really have a good t, and he seems to be really trying. It sounds like a draining session, but a good one.

I think everyone is contrary sometimes.

Part of this stood out to me. " no, that wasn't what i needed either. though... part of me (w.) can be fairly grandiose and i felt a little bit inflated then - shame."

Then you said you didn't emotionally respond to any of it.

Aren't inflation and shame emotional reactions? That just stood out to me for some reason.

Shame is a hard one for me. I can still here my mother say "You should be ashamed", and I guess I always have been. Sorry, thats off topic. I have a hard time staying on topic sometimes.

Good luck with your next session.

i didn't express (respond) emotionally, thats what i meant. i masked it. i think i'm pretty good at masking (no emotional leakage) when i know my responses are being scrutinised. i don't think he saw that... or maybe he saw just a glimmer of something there... so he eased up.

yeah shame is hard. i don't mind what you say in response i'm not the 'on topic' police. conversations evolve sometimes and thats okay by me.

thanks secretgarden. yeah, i guess it does take two to be contrary. there has to be something for you to oppose...

[SecretGarden]

I sure wish I could put a cork in it.... I just seem to leak...

yeah. its possible that i leaked more than i was aware of. actually... with the grandiosity thing i did catch a little bit of a smirk (horror!) but then it was gone. i think he saw that... so eased up.

i've been thinking about that a lot. about what happened there. about the two kinds of mirroring transference. i can't remember the words... but it was like what he was saying was said then he would assess my response. he was trying to figure out what i needed from him. (i couldn't tell him because i really didn't know). idealising? no. no reaction. twinship? he said something about understanding where i was coming from... but i didn't believe him. might have grimiced. possibly. or... no reaction. then there was something weird.

w.

maybe he is pushing me a little... testing me a little... to see how integrated i can stay under pressure.

it is so tempting to revert to 'w. felt. but not me. NOT ME. THAT WASN'T ME. I'D RATHER RUN THROUGH BURNING COALS THAN FEEL THAT WAY'.

so tempting.

unrestrained grandiosity.

the horror.

shame hurts.

i don't know why. it hurts.

he eased up. but maybe he will return to it. i think i manage to mask perfectly... but i'm sure i leak too. i'm sure i do. maybe the difference between us is my denial.