[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks everyone, let's try this again. So on Wednesday, new T said that she's worried she's not helping me enough and that I need more support than she and pdoc can give me alone because when I finish with the PHP, I'm just going to be back to therapy once a week and meds. She has me on a waiting list for a permanent social worker so at least I have more support, but she was saying she's worried about me because she thinks I'm "very sick" right now and she doesn't know how best to help me. She said that she was considering having me do the full time day hospital, but I can't take more time off work after this or I'll lose my job, which I hate, but there are NO other options since I don't speak the language of majority in this city and on top of it the job market is not great. Then she said my pdoc suggested I do an extended DBT program so at least I would have therapy once a week and a group once a week, but that she (new T) didn't think it was a good idea since she and I have a good bond and she thinks I need to have stability and learn that I can trust her right now since I'm so fragile and because of what happened with ex-T. But she said she's worried that I'm not making progress as quickly as she would like and she's worried about my quality of life and she doesn't know what to add to help me cope better and to help me make more progress faster.

Anyway, I'm just feeling so emotional and just not very well in general and having a really hard time keeping things together. I heard her say that and I just lost it because even though I rationally knew she wasn't threatening to leave, it was all I heard. All I heard out of that was that I was too much for her, or I was hopeless, or overwhelming and I wasn't trying hard enough to get better, and she was just going to fob me off on someone else. I know this is stupid since she specifically told my pdoc that she didn't want me to have to change therapists, but I just heard that and all my fears just came crashing down on me, feeling like there's no way I can do this alone right now, that someone else is abandoning me when I'm scared and in pain and that I can't handle this right now. And she just kept saying "PF, look at me and listen to me, I am not leaving. I'm right here. I have absolutely no intention of leaving you alone with this. You aren't hearing what I'm saying." I was just sobbing and I couldn't even look at her, I was so scared and exhausted and worried and embarassed and afraid.

Eventually I just said to her, "I'm scared and I don't want you to hurt me." And she said "oh PF I don't want to hurt you. I really care. I am asking for your opinion because I want you to be safe and get better, not because I want to hurt you." She also said she thinks my fear of abandonment is getting in the way of everything. Which it is. It's hard not to be overwhelmed by it now when I'm so fragile and KNOW I need help so bad and won't be okay without it. It's scary and it feels so big and serious. I know I'm more than a little depressed, I know I'm pretty sick and it's scary.

Anyway, now I've calmed down I feel bad like I maybe hurt her feelings. and I know my abandonment issues get in the way of everything. I am going to talk to her about it Wednesday but I'm trying not to let my guilt that I hurt her take over. I always do this, worry about things I said. Anyway, I'm just struggling with everything right now. I don't want that fear of abandonment to get in the way of getting better, but I don't know how to move it away. I told her I feel like I can't hold everything up. I also feel like I could be trying harder but I just keep hiding instead. I have this feeling of dread in my stomach like something really bad is going to happen, but it's just a feeling right?

In other news, I saw the pdoc today and got royal **** again for my last cut about how lucky I was that I didn't do permanent damage to my nerves or to the motion in my hand. I also am starting Lamictal.

[divine1966]

At this point I think you might have to follow everything what t and pdoc tell you to do even if it results in job loss. If you lose your job can you temporary go live with the family? You do need to get better and soon. I am rooting for you

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[precaryous]

I identify with your abandonment fears and feeling overwhelmed.

Does Canada provide for any kind of federal disability? Can you apply for anything like that?

I agree with divine. If you hurt yourself too badly you won't be working anyway.
Once you are better, you can apply for a new job.

((PF))

[Gavinandnikki]

I think losing your job is the least of your problems. I like your new therapist.

[LonesomeTonight]

I completely understand where you're coming from. Two Fridays ago, after I'd had an especially rough week, (during which I'd called my T at midnight the night before and texted my marriage counselor at 3 a.m. a few nights before that) my p-doc suggested that I go to intensive outpatient therapy, which she called a day program. It would have been 4 hours a day for a month. I was immediately hit with abandonment fears and said, "No! I don't want to leave the people here (my T and marriage counselor)!" She said, "You wouldn't be leaving them. You'd go to the program for a month, then you could come back here." But to me, that was still leaving them. Leaving people I trusted to talk with bunch of strangers (would have been individual therapy plus group stuff). And I said it felt like they were just trying to pawn me off on other people. I was shaking and sobbing and begging her to just give me some more time to think about it/get in a better place. She said we should decide within a week, and that she, T, MC, and I would have a conference call to discuss what to do. Which just sounded like a panel of people judging me, which is another one of my triggers.

A couple hours later, I talked to my T and asked if I try a self-care and safety plan, where I'd do things like exercise daily, reduce alcohol use, choose alternatives to self-harm, check in with her regularly, etc. Thankfully, she agreed to that and got my p-doc on board with it (MC agreed too). It sounds like you might need something a little more though based on how badly you're feeling--what would the social worker involve?

Back to the abandonment fears part. Tuesday, we saw my MC, who I hadn't seen or talked to since I saw my p-doc. He asked how I was doing, and I immediately started sobbing and saying how freaked out I'd been by the stuff on Friday. I was mentioning the fear of abandonment and being judged and loss of control. And he was like, "Plus fear of rejection," which he knows is one of my things because of some stuff with my transference for him. He (speaking for himself, T, and p-doc) said that it wasn't that they were angry at me or frustrated with me or annoyed at me--it was that they cared about me and thought I might need a greater level of care than what they could give me. Hearing that (and the caring coming through in his voice as he said it) made me feel better that they weren't just sick of me and trying to dump me off on other people.

I was saying how now I was afraid to reach out because it might be like a third strike, and he noted how I made it sound like punishment. I said it kind of felt like it. He compared it to watching his kid have a illness (something physical) and at first you think they aren't so bad, but you have to keep watching them, and if they have other symptoms, keep getting worse, etc., then you have to take them to the doctor to get checked out. That the kid won't like it, but they need more care than he could give them. So this was like that. It made sense to me, and I realized that I think of mental health differently from physical health. Like, if I went to my doctor for a cough, and she said she thought it was pneumonia so I should get admitted to the hospital for treatment, I wouldn't think she was dumping me off on the hospital.

But therapy is much more personal and also much more of a judgment call how a client is doing. Your T can't give you a blood test to determine whether you'll get through this without more help or not. So she's trying to use her best judgment and err on the side of caution. She clearly cares about you very much. It sounds like you're in a very bad place, so please consider what she's recommending. If you can keep seeing her while doing whatever she suggests, then you could continue getting her support, which sounds like it's been helpful to you so far. I hope the new med helps you, too.

Please hang in there and take care of yourself.

[LonesomeTonight]

Also, you don't need to feel guilty about hurting your T. (I doubt you even hurt her...) Mine has said multiple times that it's about my feelings, not hers. So not to worry about how what I say affects her.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Have you tried using any coping skills for the SI? That's the main thing you need to get under control. That's what's worrying everyone and what's putting you in danger.

You know the coping skill where you squeeze ice? My T told me what's even better than that is sticking your whole head in ice water. I think she said it actually slows your brain and helps stop the thoughts.

I know this is going to sound harsh, but please know I also struggle with SI so I do understand. But you're giving into the urges right now. You're not even trying to minimize the damage. It's one thing to cut, but it's a whole other thing to do what you're doing.

Possible trigger:

You don't need to go so deep. You don't need to put your life at risk. You can get the same relief with shallower cuts.

I just want to see you get better. I know the pain. It does get better, but like people have said, it takes time.

Please take care of yourself.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I have a hard time with the SI being so deep because of why I cut. I don't cut for the pain or the blood (although those help)

Possible trigger:

I cut to risk myself, permanently destroy/mutilate my skin and body. I don't cut too deep by accident. When I get upset with myself, I cut because I want to cause permanent damage and put myself at risk. I know this is messed up.

Having said that, I haven't self-harmed since then. I have done the picking thing, badly a few nights, but no cutting. I'm really trying.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Picking is a hard one to stop. I do it unconsciously. It's gotten better with meds though.

What I love to do for picking, coping skill wise, is take glue or nail polish and pick that off my skin. And to make myself aware of the other picking, I bandage the wounds.

I'm glad you haven't cut since the last time. Good job!

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Picking is a hard one to stop. I do it unconsciously. It's gotten better with meds though.

What I love to do for picking, coping skill wise, is take glue or nail polish and pick that off my skin. And to make myself aware of the other picking, I bandage the wounds.

I'm glad you haven't cut since the last time. Good job!

The nail polish is a good one. Maybe I'll try that. I'm really working on that, but I do always have a few days during the week when I fall into it. I'm trying to knit or color or something, but nail polish is a good idea.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I talked to my boss. I will update you guys tomorrow but it's almost 3 am and I'm exhausted and have church tmrw.

I like the new T as well. She said she went into the public healthcare system because she wanted to help people who were really ill and probably couldn't afford a therapist. She's kind and she's gentle but still pushes. I need someone who talks to me gently like that right now, my self-esteem is horrible and I feel so fragile.

I also like that she's a bit bossy, I kind of need that right now. I need to be pushed for my safety. Things like pushing me to take my meds and eat regular meals and stuff.

Sometimes I start thinking again about my old unethical therapist and wondering what it is that made me stop mattering at all to her. I'm trying to tell myself she's just someone who used to be in my life, and it doesn't really matter anyway. New T keeps telling me I need to stop blaming myself and it will be easier.

[LonesomeTonight]

How are you doing, Pink? Any updates?

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I have a hard time with the SI being so deep because of why I cut. I don't cut for the pain or the blood (although those help)

Possible trigger:

I cut to risk myself, permanently destroy/mutilate my skin and body. I don't cut too deep by accident. When I get upset with myself, I cut because I want to cause permanent damage and put myself at risk. I know this is messed up.

Having said that, I haven't self-harmed since then. I have done the picking thing, badly a few nights, but no cutting. I'm really trying.

I am very proud of you for not self-harming since that last time. It takes strength to do, I know I have been there. You will get stronger at fighting the urges.

Sending you hugs for you to claim if you want them.

I dunno what to say often but I read your posts and am wishing you well with this T of yours.

Self compassion can be incredibly difficult in my opinion, when we feel we are bad, and are overwhelmed with self hatred, and therefore feel we deserve harm / risk / damage to our bodies.

Though I do not know you well at all, I do not believe you deserve permanent damage to your body. I believe you are worthy of love, respect, care and freedom from crippling self hatred.

Hoping the urges ease. *hug*

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks everyone. Im hurting again today. I keep thinking the pain over my ex-T is better and then it comes in a wave of hurt. She never even responded to my email saying goodbye after 5 yrs of her saying she loved me. I don't understand why I suddenly became so unloveable.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Thanks everyone. Im hurting again today. I keep thinking the pain over my ex-T is better and then it comes in a wave of hurt. She never even responded to my email saying goodbye after 5 yrs of her saying she loved me. I don't understand why I suddenly became so unloveable.

You are not unlovable. No one is. When it comes to your ex-T there was something wrong with HER not you. Im sorry you are in so much pain. Im sending you hugs if you want them.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Thanks everyone. Im hurting again today. I keep thinking the pain over my ex-T is better and then it comes in a wave of hurt. She never even responded to my email saying goodbye after 5 yrs of her saying she loved me. I don't understand why I suddenly became so unloveable.

I personally call these waves of hurt that I experience as "grief cycles". Your ex T hurt you badly. Her poor actions do not make you unloveable, they mean that she is really not a good T.

It's harder to heal when the relationship had many good things together with the bad.