[PinkFlamingo99]

Hey everyone,

Sorry this took so long! I haven't had the energy to come online much, I've been mostly reading when not at the day program or work. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I managed to make it to church today, which was nice and to get a hug and ask my pastor to pray for me. I want to email her to get together but she just had a grandchild and just came back from 5 week vacation so I'm going to give her a week or two.

I'm working still in the evenings and I couldn't handle it at all. So I brought in a note from my pdoc and they are cutting them way back just enough to keep me on payroll. I'm struggling so hard, I feel like such a failure so much of the time and I feel really really really scared. Hearing my T talk about how I need to stop blaming myself because I am "severely ill" scares me. The word "sick" scares me. I told her my boss said I seem really unwell and I was hurt and my T said "PF, you *are* unwell." Hearing all these things is scary and feels very serious and out of control.

Possible trigger:

The biggest scar from the really bad SH on my wrist/forearm is hurting a lot. I hope it's just regular scar tissue but I'm worried it's turning into a keloid scar or something. It's getting bigger and it hurts and itches and because it is vertical, it pulls whenever I reach for something. But still I am fighting such strong urges to hurt myself more. We're working on stopping me from picking my eyes now and I just did it bad for 3 hours.

I almost miss working, although I couldn't handle it, I'm scared to be here alone with my self-hatred and my violent thoughts. I walked around the mall today after church but kept crying and having to go into thr bathroom. I'm scared because I hate myself so much and I feel such violence toward myself, but I want to get better and I'm afraid I won't. It hurts so much right now it's hard to hold out and tell myself it can get better. My feelings scare me because my self-hatred is so strong

Possible trigger:

it hurts way more than cutting myself, and it feels more dangerous, although both my T and pdoc say that's not true. They say I was just "lucky" I didn't do worse damage with the kind of deep cutting I was doing. My feelings are so dark and scary though.

I still keep thinking if my ex-T and although I know this is a hurtful wsy of thinking, I keep wondering why I suddenly stopped being loveable after so long. Something must have caused it. It hurts so much. How can she not wonder how I am or miss me or anything? We didn't fight, nothing happened, she just stopped caring. It's so confusing because I wasn't paying her and we were breaking all those rules. Why did she not care about keeping me safe? Why do I matter so little? It hurts. Wow, new T would have a field day with all the thought distortions in this paragraph. But still, it all comes down to: why was I worth loving for 5.5 years but not anymore? I feel like I have no value.

Thanks everyone for reading, I'm sorry I'm so whiny and not as supportive lately. I'm trying so hard to cope.

Xox

I really dunno how to convey my desire to be present together with you in your pain.

You are worthy of love, and are loveable. I think your ex T had countertransference stuff and she burned out not realising how much you would need her after she perhaps fostered dependence.

You needing intensive help and being very very ill is NOT your fault.

I understand that being told you are very sick is scary.

The way I see it, it's like being in a bad car accident.

I agree with your T that it's not your fault.

Sometimes self blame makes one feel one has control, even though one doesn't.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Just keep trying. You're doing a good job. You are surviving this.

One day at a time...

[peaches100]

Hi Pink Flamingo,

I know what you mean when you say it is scary to hear somebody say you are severely ill or really sick. It's hard for me to hear that too. I don't like to think I'm that bad off. But it doesn't mean you (we) will always be mentally unwell. It also doesn't mean that we are not also intelligent, creative, intuitive, caring people, right? Just because we are suffering with mental and emotional issues does not mean we are worthless! It just means we need extra support to cope and to learn some of the things we didn't learn growing up with our parents. It isn't our fault! Please try not to blame yourself for what you're going through. Just sharing your experiences here on PC and continuing to face all this one day at a time is a huge encouragement for me, and I am sure many others here too.

About your ex-t, I can understand how deeply her actions have hurt you. It sounds like one the hardest things for you to accept is not really having the answer WHY. It's hard not having the answer. When you don't have the answer, you automatically tend to blame yourself for what happened with your t. But it wasn't your fault! It's the t's responsibility to find the right balance when it comes to boundaries and such. I agree with the person who said that your t likely had countertransference.

I very much doubt that she stopped caring about you, even though I know that is how it feels to you. I think your t cared about you very much! She probably would not have been so giving in the first place if she didn't like you a great deal. But I think she probably didn't understand your issues well enough to know the best way to help you. Perhaps she didn't have enough training in this area or something. At some point, she may have realized that she didn't handle your therapy the right way, and felt that you needed someone who was better qualified to help you. Just because she doesn't communicate with you now does not mean that she doesn't care, or that she never cared.

Please try to be patient and gentle with yourself. I know there's a great deal of hurt and anger inside, and you tend to take it out on yourself. But it is not the answer!

I'm here for you.

Peaches

[AllHeart]

Oh, you sweet thing. What your ex-t did to you so was so not your fault. Your ex-t had the sick mind, not you.

Last week I was talking to my T about how "sick" I feel I am. She told me to not consider myself sick, but to consider myself to be temporarily burdened with some unfair stuff that will be dealt with. That made me feel a bit better. I hope it does you too.

[peaches100]

Good point, Allheart! It made me remember that my t does not like to call my issues "illnesses" either. She considers it to be a "normal reaction to abnormal circumstances." In other words, what we went through was not normal, and we reacted the way we needed to in order to survive as kids. But it causes the problems we have in adulthood now. So now We are dealing with the burdens that result now.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree with all the other posters that it wasn't your fault that your ex-T pulled away. I know it's hard not having the answers as to why she did what she did when she did.

And I also get scared of others saying that I'm sick or not coping well. That's part of what freaked me out so much when my p-doc a couple weeks ago wanted me to go to a day program/intensive outpatient for a month (that and all the abandonment/rejection issues regarding her, my T, and marriage counselor). Because that meant she thought I needed a higher level of care, and it was no longer that I was just having a bad week or a bad month.

Please hang in there. You're worthy of love and caring.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am very sorry for everything you have been through. There was something wrong with your ex-T not you. I think she had her own issues and didn't handle them well. I agree with another poster that just because she no longer talks with you does not mean she did not care. I am just learning this myself with someone who abandoned me that was a huge part of my life, my only real mother figure that moved very far away. I know its hard to hear these things and put them into perspective. I think you are very strong and you are fighting the urges and I think you are lovable and have the power to try and get better.

[divine1966]

You are very much lovable.
I am wondering if there are any family members you can live with? Should you not live alone? Would it help? I hope day treatment helps you in a long run. Hang in there

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks so much everyone for your responses, they mean SO MUCH. I promise to reply a bit later. Xox.

[serolod]

I'm not here much, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Many hugs to you.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I really dunno how to convey my desire to be present together with you in your pain.

You are worthy of love, and are loveable. I think your ex T had countertransference stuff and she burned out not realising how much you would need her after she perhaps fostered dependence.

You needing intensive help and being very very ill is NOT your fault.

I understand that being told you are very sick is scary.

The way I see it, it's like being in a bad car accident.

I agree with your T that it's not your fault.

Sometimes self blame makes one feel one has control, even though one doesn't.

Thanks so much. I don't know how much of it was countertransference and how much of it was just that she was getting something out of the relationship that she either started getting elsewhere or wasn't satisfied anymore by me.

Sometimes I think it was just me -- I wasn't getting better. Sometimes I think she was afraid of losing her job, but even that didn't make sense because offering to see me for money was against the rules too.

My new T says I'm driving myself crazy with the "what ifs"and I just have to try my best to accept it wasn't my fault even though it's hard. She also thinks my need to figure out why it happened or my tendency to blame myself has to do with feeling unloveable. And I guess it does. A lot of my "stuff" goes back to that.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Pink Flamingo,

I very much doubt that she stopped caring about you, even though I know that is how it feels to you. I think your t cared about you very much! She probably would not have been so giving in the first place if she didn't like you a great deal. But I think she probably didn't understand your issues well enough to know the best way to help you. Perhaps she didn't have enough training in this area or something. At some point, she may have realized that she didn't handle your therapy the right way, and felt that you needed someone who was better qualified to help you. Just because she doesn't communicate with you now does not mean that she doesn't care, or that she never cared.

Please try to be patient and gentle with yourself. I know there's a great deal of hurt and anger inside, and you tend to take it out on yourself. But it is not the answer!

I'm here for you.

Peaches

Thanks! I think part of this that hurts so much is HOW she left. If she had referred me up herself it would have been one thing, but she didn't. That was my pdoc. Also, after seeing me ouside of the clinic (outside their rules) for so long and for 5 yrs promosing she loved me and never to abandon me, she didn't even care about ending it in a way that minimized my pain or made sure I was safe. Just cold and harsh. While I was sick and recovering from surgery. That's probably the part that hurts the most.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Oh, you sweet thing. What your ex-t did to you so was so not your fault. Your ex-t had the sick mind, not you.

Last week I was talking to my T about how "sick" I feel I am. She told me to not consider myself sick, but to consider myself to be temporarily burdened with some unfair stuff that will be dealt with. That made me feel a bit better. I hope it does you too.

Thanks so much. And thanks for saying it's not my fault. My thinking is so skewed that it's hard to know sometimes.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You are very much lovable.
I am wondering if there are any family members you can live with? Should you not live alone? Would it help? I hope day treatment helps you in a long run. Hang in there

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was thinking about this, but the only possibility is my mom and I really don't think opening myself up to her guilt trips, controlling behaviour and criticism is worth it. I don't know, it hurts. I wish I had family to help.