Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

How the eff do you feel about me

T, I feel like I need to protect myself from her. But I don't know how. There is no way to avoid her for any length of time. The feelings are so strong they are a threat. I'm not sure you can help me.

i cant freaking stop thinking about you. i just need something of you to hold onto. something that is just for me

My transference and attachment is so strong these past few days that I am physically sick and crying. You make me feel a certain way that no one ever has.

I am so nervous about that email I just sent you. I needed to let all of my feelings out but it also scares me. Being vulnerable is so hard.

Um T, what did you mean on the phone earlier?! I am so confused. I don't even know why you called me if you aren't feeling well. You could have just texted me back after I said next week was fine with something like "i'll let you know when I feel better" or something instead of calling. i am left with the feeling that i have done something wrong but i don't know what it was. i hope you feel better.

i wonder what you would do if i texted you every day

Had I known you were kissing up to her, I would have dumped you ages ago. Wish someone told me sooner.

Of all the pain I have suffered in my life, this ranks right up there in the top 10 or 12 or 20, whatever. I don't know that I have ever cried so much for so long. You may be the winner.

T,

I'm not doing ok. I feel sad, hurt, lonely. I'm so unsure about what you think of me. I really don't know if you like me just as much as your other clients, if I'm really just as important as your other clients. Because you aren't really clear about it. You talk about it in a vague general way. Not denying or confirming.
I don't know what to do. I feel like you didn't like what I said yesterday.
I feel like I rather don't see you anymore. It's maybe better than to keep worrying about whether you like or dislike me or think I'm annoying.

dear t, this morning i still feel vaguely that i have done something wrong where you are concerned. but i saw on the news last night about the goings-on in san bernardino yest and whatever i feel about that phone call yest fades in importance as my heart breaks for those involved and their families and for this world in general and i wonder anew why can't we all just love each other?!?!?!!

T,
I am trying to be rational about the fact that you never wrote back to my e-mail. I know it was just an insurance question, but now I am paranoid that when I see you Saturday, you will give me bad news that you can't submit to my insurance anymore or something. People don't like to give bad news in e-mail, right?

Thank you for being there for me and for your care, comfort and love. I know you don't have to have any of these feelings but it makes me feel so good that you do. You pay for therapy but not for feelings.

Oh T, sometimes I wish you would just really **** up so I would have a reason to hate you. You are just too perfect. Ugh!

You know I'm pretty mad at you, former T. It really didn't have to end. I know you know you effed up, but why couldn't you be honest and have admitted as much? I wish you would have made more effort to try to work things out. I actually don't want to start over with someone else right now and retell my life story and explain about the death and all of that. It's too painful and I think I'm just going to leave therapy altogether for awhile. I miss you because you knew me well, you knew my story. I liked working with you so much until everything happened. I sincerely hope you get some supervision for dealing with counter-transference or insecurity or whatever the heck is wrong with you, because this hurts, and I hate to think of it happening with other clients and them hurting, too.

I'm feeling needy. I'm feeling like I want to contact you. But I won't. I want to know what you think about the last session and what you think about me. It's hard to wait to talk to you.

T,

I just sent you an email with about what happened yesterday and what thoughts I got. Maybe I should also make one about talking to you about it, because that gave me even more doubts about you, me, us. I don't know if you will send an email back or that you wait until next week to talk about it. You always send a reply when I have sent you an email. I don't really care what you do. Or maybe I do.
I think I want something from you that you can't or won't give me. I want to hear that you care about me or that you like me or that you think I'm important, but only if you do, I don't want lies. But I don't want to ask for it, because then I would still doubt if ít's true. I want you to say it without me asking it. But you probably won't say it like that. We've talked before about me being insecure about what you think of me. Yesterday I cried about it and you still didn't said anything that could remove my doubts.
I wish I didn't care so much about what you might think of me.

Dear university therapist/mentor,

I'm so sorry for breaking down and trying to run away from you. I'm really sorry it made you feel bad, like you were somehow responsible for it. You weren't. I was going to break down anyway. I feel awful for making you worry about me like that, and for making you think you had "caused something terminal". You didn't deserve that.

I felt like I was getting on your nerves, which was a horrible feeling, so I just wanted to get away from it. I wasn't thinking rationally, because I was falling apart and I thought I was just hopeless and not worth your time. I fall apart whenever you try to talk to me about my coursework. I can't handle the pressure or the perceived scrutiny. I know you thought I was doing well, and I was, but that never lasts very long and I crashed hard. Then I tried not to show you how depressed I was because I wanted to do what I was supposed to do, for a change. There is no way you could have known. I'm so, so sorry. I love you.

T,

Thank you for saying that you think I'm a person worthy of care and comfort.

That I'm a bruised apple, and not the apple that's rotten to the core that I think I am.

T, your my only support but you are starting to year me up.

Forgetting me this week, coming late but making sure I leave at normal time even though nobody is waiting, there are so many things that keep telling me that you wish you didn't have to deal with me but you keeps saying with words that you want to keep going. I am so confused and you know I can never tell you! You even told me that I am afraid you are going to leave me and reassured me you aren't, so you know how scared I get and how much I analyze details to figure things out, so you have to know what this is doing to me. I don't understand

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I never wanted it to come down to this but you have offended, insulted and hurt me so deeply that I had to take the next step. You missed the lesson on morals and ethics. It is now time to take a refresher course and if none is offered in psych school then I'd like to know why??

T,

Did you get my email? Are you going to respond? I don't need a long respons, but I would like to know if you got my email. I haven't send you an email since April and this is your new emailaddress. I now worry if I might got it wrong or that it's in your spam. I know it's only early afternoon, you still have some time to answer.
I just worried if you're annoyed with me. Previous T's didn't realy like getting critique. I don't think you're like them, but I'm not sure, because I've never expressed any sort of critique about you to you.

T,
I'm a bit angry at you and I'm not sure if this will work out. I'm willing to give it a try, but I need space to express some boundaries and I need you to listen to them and respect them. I also know things from the past gets mixed up with the stuff you're doing, which may mean that I'm overreacting a bit.

But when your response when I told you I have Aspergers syndrome was to assume I don't want any relationships or that I'm too much in my own world to connect with anyone, it made me angry and hurt.
When you asked me in a way that sounded quite condescending whether I know what a feeling is it made me angry and hurt.
When you give me loads of compliments on very small things, it pushes me down and makes me feel small and incapable. I know there are people who like and want frequent compliments, but I am not one of them and I want you to stop.
And the way you talked about that difficult thing I told you made me feel a bit disrespected and hurt.
Ans when you changed the topic when I tried to express these things it made me angry.

I need you to show respect for the things that are painful in my life, and I need you to expect something of me. If you can't give me that I don't think we are a good fit.

Sent fra min LG-P875 via Tapatalk

Today will make it 5 days in a row that I have seen you. When you said you had an opening today and that I could have it if I felt I needed it, I started to cry. I need to never leave your office. It's so hard to walk out of that door and back into the real world, back to where it's just me vs. demons. I don't think I really realize how bad off I am right now... I do but I want to be in denial about it I guess...

Dear university therapist,

When you hugged me and said "I love you" I was sure I must have misheard you. Then I walked away and realised I hadn't. You did say that.

I really wish I could say it back, but I'm so scared. Why is it so scary?