Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XVI

Dear T,
The problem with you responding to my e-mail last week when you don't usually respond is that now I'm wondering why you didn't write back to my one from last night. I know it was kind of long and rambling, and it wasn't something that required a response, but I'm still feeling a little insecure right now. Especially because of the last part about MC. I think you only respond when you're in the office, so the earliest would be Monday now. And I see you Tuesday.

Though you did touch my arm affectionately when I left yesterday, which is something that you've only done recently. And which is nice. I know I should just trust in the relationship, but still a little worried for whatever reason. Like maybe I shouldn't have talked about that one thing at the end. Hope you will in fact keep it private and not say anything to him, even if you don't say it came from me. Because then it might stop, and I don't want that...

Thank you for making my birthday special. I always knew you cared but I didn't really know how much until today. It was so good to see you. I love you. You are so amazing.

I can't help but miss you, former T. I do not miss the awful last month of therapy, but I miss having someone who knew me so well to talk to about things. I miss the small talk we did sometimes before getting into therapy stuff, you were a funny and interesting guy. I miss telling you about my life because I know you really did care about me and were happy when I succeeded and felt bad when things were rough. I will not be contacting you ever again though, you really broke the trust that was there and I know as much as I miss you, I wouldn't be comfortable for long if I came back. But dammit I wish it didn't end like it did.

Also I wonder if you feel bad or miss me, or if your ego was so bruised because I left that you think I'm the only one at fault. It literally does not matter so why am I even thinking of that? I think it's gonna take awhile before I don't think of you.

-
How could you treat me so badly?? This is very VERY unfair to ME!!

dear t i don't know what i am doing. i feel like an imposter of what is supposed to be my own life. and no one can see that but me. in my dream last night my son ran away from home to california and i was bereft and i woke up this morning from the dream thinking that i deserve it. i should quit therapy and divorce my h and go live on a commune somewhere and just become someone else. meh.

instead, i will tell my son to have a good day as he heads off to school, kiss hubby goodbye and head off to work like the good little girl.

sigh.

i am not feeling any of this at the moment.

Okay, so maybe you're right. Maybe it is time for me to find a new T. Maybe that is what this is all about. I mean, you're the expert on me, right?

dearrrrr t

i wnt it to be 6pm so i can go sign the lease then come play board games with u and friends

me

Dear T...

I'm scared of you leaving me. Im scared that the more I open up to you you'll see what a mess I am and refer me to someone else. I can't handle that. I need you. Please don't leave me.

Dear T,
I lied to you yesterday on the phone when you asked if I hurt myself the day before and I said no. I'm sorry. I just don't want to disappoint you. Please don't hate me/be mad at me/be disappointed in me when I tell you the truth on Monday. I'm probably going to lie again when you call tomorrow and ask me about today. Sorry for that too.

Thanks for yet another save tonight. I'm starting to liken you to that of a Saint.

I miss you. How will I do 8 weeks without you?

i find it really weird...i cant park my car next to yours...even when whole parking lot is full..and only space is beside ur car...i go in the next lot and find a spot...

When you emailed me and said "thanks for being so gracious" I thought, you know, you're pretty gracious yourself T.

I find it quite odd that you never say anything about the holidays. When I left your office today, knowing I won't see you now for a month, there was no "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" or "Happy New Year" or anything. I didn't say it to you either, so there is that.
I am glad that although you are taking 2 weeks off for "vacation", you are allowing me to email you if I need to. That's pretty awesome. Thanks for that.

Just chiming in that YOU are the expert of you!

Thank you for showing how much you care about me in your actions. I wish more people did that.

I am looking forward to next Thursday so I can more fully answer the question you asked me last week.

I'm back to wishing I was small enough to curl up in your lap...

I hate that I don't see you until the 7th.

I wish I could just live in your house. I wouldn't bother you, or even acknowledge you were there other than your presence in the same vicinity as me is safe. I need to feel safe. I don't wish you to be my mother as I thought I once did, just that you could be with me more than you can. You give me the little bit of hope I need right now to keep going and I hope that is okay. I know I need to find it within myself one day but right now it's what I have. Can I say that to you? Is it wrong for me to feel that way? I feel so alone and stuck and confused right now... I wish I could just sit with you but somehow I just have to make it through the weekend....

Fear New T
Why won't you listen to me. I tell you I'm uncomfortable with you but you still ignore me. I don't get it. I also think it's weird that you sit behind your desk. Why not really face to face. Whatever

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk

dear T.

"..never said it was sunshine, but you took it all of the time.."

makes me think of you

me

T,
We don't have another appointment on the calendar. I guess you're waiting for me to contact you, to see if I really need to come in. You know that I don't want to be there long-term. I really appreciate your seeing me these last few weeks even though you've got so many other clients.

I'm just still struggling with the transference towards her. Some of the things she does really encourage it. In my mind I ask myself, "Would she do this towards someone else?" and "Would this seem weird if another friend did this to me?". Usually it does seem unusual, but I admit that my view is quite distorted.

This transference is never going to end, is it? I just need to manage it better.

Don't drop me. Please

Do you think I should contact T1 like I said I would? Or does only pain lie there?