Trouble Talking Out Loud

Hi,

I'm wondering if I can write here about a difficulty I have in therapy, and see if others wrestle with it also. I actually have trouble with it in other areas of my life as well, but it is much more of a problem in therapy. I have a lot of trouble talking out loud. I can do better on some subjects (the weather, let's say) that aren't very emotionally involved. But other things....well...my throat chokes up and I physically cannot speak. I suspect a lot of people go into therapy and are able to talk, and talk, and talk - freely - and this isn't an issue for them. But the very thing that I am there to do is really a struggle for me. I suspect I came into the world as a more introverted person somehow, but I also know events of the past made it much harder for me to talk out loud in general.

I'm wondering if other people struggle with this, and how they deal with it. My current T is clearly frustrated with me, and with the situation.

The main prior counsellor I worked with was very patient, and gentle, and kind about this - and very encouraging. I did get better about talking with him over time, but that was such a different situation. He was okay if I wrote part of the time, and as we worked, I was gradually able to talk more. He was very encouraging. The T I am seeing now works in different ways, and isn't comfortable with me writing when I get...well...stuck.

Talking is really an extremely difficult thing for me. I'm working really hard on it, but I wish I had better ideas for dealing with this. I'm just wondering if others wrestle with is also.

Thanks for listening.

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Erin,

Happens to me too - not so much that my throat gets stuck but more like I know there is something I need/want to say but I just can't find the words.

Unfortunately, writing doesn't work for me either when i'm stuck - what helps me is listening to other people and then all of a sudden it comes out!

Tranquility

Well if you are comfortable writting ... then for now write.

You might include in that writting your struggles with communication...

How is your current T 'not comfortable' when you get stuck? What happens that make you think that?

Have you and he talked about this?

It will get better. Allowing you to write may seem kind and accepting to you but it is also enabling. Hard call as to which is more helpful to you.

i feel like that too...and thats why i can write on here...but someone ...like my boyfriend asks me a question and i just stare at him lol.....as long as my lips are closed im good
but seriously i do know how you feel

I can relate to this, too, because I used to have the same problem in therapy, but have become... maybe not less introverted, but more willing to speak as I've gotten older.

When I was 19, I saw an analyst who wouldn't speak unless I did (and even then, not very much), so we spent over a year sitting in silence, my mind totally blank, until I finally fled the situation.

I didn't speak to the next therapist, either, and she got very frustrated with me, which lead to termination again.

With the therapist before my current one, I used to take in note cards with bullet points of things I wanted to talk about, or newspaper clippings or even comics that related to the way I was feeling and shared them with my T. He was very patient and open to this roundabout way of doing things. Gradually, I stopped needing props as my trust in myself and him grew stronger.

My current therapist is very emotive and chatty, so I have no problems talking to her at all, but this may be due to the groundwork laid by the previous therapist.

I guess the point of this is that, imo, your therapist needs to be a little flexible about working at your comfort level, letting you write at least some things down if that's what feels useful now, until you're ready to move on from there. Otherwise, you could just stay blocked and fearful.

Can you take a print out of your message to your next session? Just a thought.

Yes for the first yr I use to talk in bursts, like pushing the words out then I would have to take a breath. I never felt T being impatient and that wouldn't have helped at all!! maybe its your own impatience at yourself? Don't give yourself a hard time! With time and trust it gets easier!

(((hugs))) ErinBear, I think by all means continue writing. Working things out in your journal can help you know what you need to talk about the next session with your T. You don't necessarily need to bring the writing into the session with you, but doing it on your own can help so much too. As others have mentioned, you could just bring index cards in with some main points to cover to serve as prompts for you, in case your mind goes blank.

One of the huge motivators for me to talk in therapy is that I am paying 100% of the therapy fees myself, and I don't want to see my cash trickle away by sitting there and not talking. I want to move forward. So even though I am quite introverted, I really try to make as efficient use of therapy as I can. But that's just me and may not fit your situation.

There are times I have not been able to say certain things to T that are important, like past traumatic memories. I have even written out little conversations in my journal and said them outloud to myself several times in a row to help myself be ready to speak the words in therapy. When that approach hasn't worked, I sometimes will focus on building the therapeutic relationship so I feel more comfortable sharing the really tough stuff. So we may spend time in therapy just talking about other stuff and sharing with each other to build up our alliance. It helps.

Yesterday in therapy, I did reach a place in mid-sentence where I got completely stuck and my throat did close up and conversation came to a screeching halt. What I was about to share with T was just too painful, and it took me by surprise. But I know him and me well enough to know we can get through this. So I just sat a few minutes and felt the hurt, and in his silence I felt his patience and willingness to receive what I had to say. And then I pushed on and said the painful thing, and he held my hurt and gave me empathy. And we got through it. And it was fine. But it has taken us quite a few months to get to that point.

ErinBear, have you thought of taking a step back and sharing with your T on less difficult topics, so you can build trust and comfort with each other? Can you share this problem with him and brainstorm together on how to work on this issue?

I wanted to read/have my therapist read things I'd found that illustrated or described how I was feeling but she would not. I use to sit all tangled up with "arguing" that I should be talking, that it was my job to talk and what should I say? and just have a heck of a time!

It helped me sometimes to imagine my therapist "next to" me instead of across from me and to just talk to her like I would anyone else I was familiar with that I knew was trying to help me, was a friend, etc. instead of viewing her like I would a teacher or someone in authority? If you can't say things you "need" to, say something related to the subject of what you can't talk about? "Greasing the wheels" helped me some too, once I get talking it's a little easier with my T responding and asking a few questions for clarification, etc. Just occasionally saying, "I'm having difficulty talking" might help, might get at least a response from her that will trigger something further you can say, etc.

omg. I am the SAME way Erinbear. Same thing happens to me. I wish i had more help to give you, but wanted you to know u arent the only one.

I too have trouble verbalizing my "troubles".Im an avoider at heart and will run circles around "issues".Its real tough and Im working on it.
One thing that helps me is ,before a session I review my journal and make a mental list of the things I need to work on....helps to get things started.
Good luck

Hi Tranquility,

Thanks so much for your response. Yes, I have that problem, too - not being able to find the right words is a difficulty as well! And frustrating!!!! Sometimes I just say I am having trouble finding words for things, and that takes some of the pressure away from the situation. But it's still a hard thing.

Thinking of you...thanks again for sharing.

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Direction,

I appreciate your reply - thanks. Yes, I'm comfortable with writing, but it's not okay with my present T. So I'm trying to work harder on figuring out ways of talking better. :-)

And yes, we have been discussing the issue of talking and writing, both, and probably will be continuing to do so, as I imagine it will continue to be an issue.

Thanks so much -

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Echoes,

Thanks for your message. When my T seems frustrated to me, when I am having trouble talking out loud - at least in my interpretation of this - he taps his feet, sighs and grunts, and does other things that to me show impatience. At the end of the session, if I have struggled with talking, he generally says something like I haven't made very good use of the session and he isn't very pleased with me.

And I suppose it is true that allowing me to write could be enabling. I think with the past counselor, it helped me trust him more, and helped us get over a hurdle. In the long run, it helped me be able to talk better, both in and out of sessions. But this is a different situation now. I do know the value of speaking aloud when it is possible. I am working on it. Maybe it will get better later.

Thanks,
ErinBear

Hi InACorner,

Thanks for your note. I'm sorry you wrestle with this too! I'm much better at writing than speaking aloud, so I hear what you are saying. I hope things will start going better for you somehow, with your boyfriend, and elsewhere. Thinking of you, and sending caring thoughts your way....

Take care,
ErinBear

Dear Cheri,

I appreciate your note - thank you! I'm sorry that you've struggled with this as well, but it sounds like you've come up with some good ideas that worked for you over time. It also sounds like it helped to have some Ts with different approaches and working styles, and that helped, too. I'm glad that the T you see now is more warm and chatty, and it sounds like it is working out better. :-)

I, too, wish my current T were a little more flexible on this front, but I think there is probably also merit to what he is saying, if I can find better ways of speaking aloud. I did manage to speak aloud more in the long run previously. I just need to find some way to more quickly get over the hurdles of trust and fear now, I guess. Maybe that is what it is. I'm not sure.

Thanks to you and everyone here for listening.

Take care,
ErinBear

that's what happens to me... i can talk talk talk..then i try to say something important and the words go away. i call it "losing my words" and my T says it's because it's more emotionally based. i disconnect from emotional things, and then i can say whatever, but it comes out like a list or something. It has all the feeling drained out. When i try to connect to the feelings, or they come up on their own i lose my words. It's very frustrating.

Hi Mouse,

Thanks - I appreciate your reply! Yes, it is true that sometimes I get impatient with myself. You're right, that doesn't help either. But there are a lot of things going on when this happens. I do think the T is upset when I'm having difficulty talking. He is patient about it for a certain amount of time, but as it goes on, he gets frustrated. I can understand this on one level, but it's hard. I'm trying as hard as I know to fix it and speak aloud. sigh. Oh well. Again, I'm hoping it will get better as I keep trying.

Anyway, thanks for listening!

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Sunrise,

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it.

Yes, journaling is a good thing, and I agree...it can be really helpful. So can bringing in little reminder lists to sessions!

Like you, I pay for my sessions myself, so that is another reason why this difficulty in speaking is more frustrating. I, too, would like to be able to talk with more freedom, so that my investment isn't "trickling away" as you said! But I think it will take time and patience, given my past experience.

When you described your situation in therapy - and being able to overcome a specific hurdle in your discussion, and bring that forward with your T - it reminded me of the past counseling relationship I had, and I know I would have been able to do that with him. The current therapy relationship I have is still too new. Maybe with time, it will grow to that level, I'm not sure. I hope so. I was glad to read that you had that sort of comfort and trust with your T! That was encouraging and heartwarming. Thank you for sharing that.

Yes, I think we are sharing on other topics here and there....as I said, I keep hoping this will get better as time goes by. I am working hard on it. Like you, some topics are much harder than others! Thanks Sunrise.

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Perna,

Thanks so much for your message. Yes, "greasing the wheels" as you say can help, and even saying that one is having a difficult time forming words at all. I agree with you on that! Thanks for sharing those ideas. Sometimes just getting the flow of speaking aloud begun is helpful, if you're really stuck, and those ways of doing so can be useful, at least for me. I appreciate it, Perna.....

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Esthersvirtue,

(((((Esthersvirtue))))) hugs, if okay

Sorry to hear you struggle with this, too! It sure is difficult. Thanks for writing to me. I really appreciate it.....thinking of you....

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Dreamrunner,

I appreciate your message. Thank you for sharing about how you use your journal before your sessions... that sounds like a good idea to review your entries just before you see your T, and have the entries on your mind, so you know what you might want to discuss.

I think a lot of folks are "runners" or wish to avoid problems/feelings/situations, in one way or another! Dealing with things head-on takes practice and hard work, I think. Thinking of you....

Take care,
ErinBear

Hi Gerber,

Thanks for your message. Yes, I've wrestled with that, too....if a subject is very emotionally charged, it is extra-hard to speak of it. And if I can speak of it, as you say, often it comes out without emotion, like I'm a reporter at a news station or something. It's very difficult to have the emotion go with the story.

I think sometimes, if I stick with it, and tell the story more than once - in a safe place, with a caring person - sometimes I can get all of the pieces to go together, the feelings plus the story. But it's sure a difficult thing.

Mostly to say that I hear you, and it is very hard! I'm sorry you wrestle with this, too, Gerber. I'm thinking of you.

Take care,
ErinBear

((ErinBear))

Erin,

I agree with much of what has been shared here in this thread. Building a therapeutic relationship takes a long time. And sharing our innermost feelings requires trust. I used to have major anxiety at almost every session. It has taken me a long time to build up the trust beween me and T to a point where I no longer feel like I am exposing myself when I speak. Now, I can speak from my heart, while continuing to build the bond between me and T.

Try thinking about the therapeutic relationship, in the context of other relationships in our lives. It is not uncommon to take time to buld up a comfortable rapport before the love and deep sharing begin, is it? The only relationships that I am familiar with that begin on an intimate level are parent/child relationships. When you first start dating someone, you don't just blurt out your deepest, darkest secrets and feelings, nor do you have that kind of relationship with your family doctor on the first visit. It's amazing that we (or T) expect intimacy on the first date! Imagine an adolescent on the first day of school and what they would consider telling the kid sitting next to them......(probably some kind of self-inflating information!) The point is, I think it is human nature to want people to think the best of us, and that's not what therapy is about, but we resort to what comes naturally.

So, I vote for taking your time, and explaining to T just exactly what you are feeling; or better yet, write him a note and mail it so he gets it before your next session!

Good luck Erin.

ErinBear,

I too struggle with talking while in my therapist's presence. Before I go I try to practice what I want to talk about and even write it down sometimes, but when I get there, I seem to be all tense and my mind goes "blank". She says it's due to being so nervous.

I feel very fortunate to have a wonderful experienced therapist who understands and is very caring. She helped me to understand that some of my problem talking is shame which I totally agree with.

((((((((((ErinBear)))))))))))

Know you are not alone with this and many of us struggle with the very same thing.

Olivia