I don't know what to make of this anymore

Many of you have responded to me about my situation (see my post history for the backstory of this if you want, I've made 2 threads) and I'm definitely reading and taking all into consideration and I really appreciate the time people have put into responses. I think deep down I want to leave this therapist, but I also am trying to not overreact so I'm really thinking about all of this. I wonder if maybe my therapist is right and I am the one who has been inappropriate and wrong. I know I have mental health issues so maybe I am so unwell that my perception is totally skewed and I think I'm not but I'm actually doing all kinds of things wrong.

According to my therapist, by me saying that I think he did anything wrong, I am backing him into an unfair corner. I am putting him in a lose-lose situation, that either he was wrong to hug me in the first place or wrong to stop the hugs. He believes I am stuck on accusing him of trying to intentionally harm me (I don't think that is the case), and he does not like his decision to stop hugging me being challenged (even though I don't think that is it, I'm not challenging the decision, I am unhappy with how he handled the whole thing). By saying that I think he messed up, I am putting pressure on him to feel bad for setting a boundary he has a right to set. Apparently I am not just voicing my unhappiness, I am really stepping over the line by believing he did anything wrong. He says I am very accusatory, and I'm going to have problems with people I am close to because I'm going to end up questioning them when they do things I don't like and it's going to be violating boundaries.

I asked him what is next for me, what can I do now? I said that if I have these problems with communicating and boundaries and being accusatory, then what can he do to help me not be that way? He mirrored it back to me in a very snotty way, "What you are asking is, 'you think I'm borderline, so now what are you going to do about it?'" when I genuinely was asking him what I could do to improve how I interact with people. I clearly said, what can you do to help me, he took it as me saying "Fix me". He doesn't actually have an answer for me; I am supposed to just keep coming and doing the stream-of-consciousness talking that he encourages.

He says if he had refused to hug me in the first place, I would have felt even worse. So he hugged me, then stopped, and now that's no good either. He believes I would have had an emotional overreaction no matter what. I think that's a bit unfair and presumptuous, he thinks he can accurately predict it based on my behaviors and emotional reactions.

I wish someone could crawl into my brain and tell me the real answer, haha. I'm so frustrated, I feel like I am arguing with my therapist, he says it's his job to react genuinely and he's just being honest and acting how anyone would when I behave this way in the real world. I feel bad that maybe I am violating boundaries (which is horrifying to me because I HATE making people uncomfortable), frankly I am sick to death of this. But I can't seem to let it go.

Oh honestly, this guy!! Can you make an appointment with another therapist? You can have 2 T's at once -- you wouldn't need to drop your current T right away. Working with another T on this situation should help give you clarity on the situation and make dropping current T easier when the time comes.

I dislike your T. Personally, I'd want to find a new one, though I know how hard of a decision that can be. I stayed with my old T for FAR TOO LONG because I didn't know if it was just me that was getting us nowhere, or her, or both of us, and i finally was so sick of spinning around and around in the same circle that I eventually quit.

I got lucky in that the next T I found was so completely different, and in 5.5 months we have gone so much farther than 5.5 years. UGH. i even hate typing that out!

What's so troubling about this is less about the discontinuation of the hugs, but the way he has pathologized you and can't even see his reactions as harmful. That is why I would strongly urge leaving this guy. There are therapists out there who don't do this. They really don't. He lacks insight. Not a good look for a therapist. He is the one who has painted you into a corner so that whatever you do, it's your "borderline" coming out.

If I were you, I would think long and hard about whether or not I could ever feel good about myself with a therapist like this. This goes way beyond the hugging issue.

I think you know exactly what to do about this guy. I think the only thing that's stopping you is the fact that there's an attachment after four years. If he'd pulled this **** 4 weeks into therapy, you'd be out of there so fast his hat would spin on his head like a cartoon.

He reacted snotty? I couldn't stay with this guy.

If you find another T or two and you all decide you are still inappropriate and wrong...that the problem is solely yours...that would be good information to have.

I don't feel the problem is even remotely solely yours. The T's patholgizing, sarcasm and not taking any responsibility for any errors he's made....that's wrong and harmful.

Please get a consultation or consider leaving this guy all together.

I've been following your threads about this and his behavior is absolutely not cool. It's almost a gaslight situation--he screws up and is trying to make it sound like it means there is something wrong with you. I would find a new therapist if that's possible. He doesn't seem willing to listen to you and work through the problem.

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This guy is a straight shooter - i can hear it in him but i probably cant hear it from my t or pdoc.

I thought your answer to the bolded part was gonna be something like, what kind of response would he find different / acceptable? Not just him, but the rest of the world, since he apparently speaks for the rest of the world! I hate when they have an answer, but they wont give you a freakin example. Cuz hes not exactly a shining example himself. You couldnt get away with telling somebody they are borderline, go take a class!!

This part of your T's reaction especially bothers me. I had a sort of rupture with my marriage counselor maybe 4 months ago. I thought he was going back on a promise to me of his door always be open (like if I wanted to see him individually again, as I had a couple times to address the transference) and it really hurt. Like hysterical sobbing on the phone, literally feeling a pain in my chest hurt (remember, transference). To the point that my husband even called him to be like, "What did you say to my wife?" The worst part was that the week before I'd admitted I loved him (platonically), so it felt like this was him pushing me away.

We addressed it in our next session--he didn't really assume responsibility but also didn't put the blame on me. I thought I was OK, but a few days later, realized I was still upset. Talked to him again about it at our next session, he was fine with going over it again, and then he ended up saying something that eventually bothered me even more, about his thoughts on things evolving. So for a third session, I wanted us to discuss it. He was fine with that and eventually admitted he realized he'd made a mistake in making the offer to me months earlier in the first place. Like he'd realized it immediately after he said it, months ago, not after I said I loved him. And he said something that made me realize he understood he had really hurt me (too complicated to explain!)

Had it not been for all of that, I may not have been able to trust and feel safe with him again (I honestly feel our relationship is stronger now--though it took some time). If he tried to turn it back on me and blame me for it, like your T is doing? Definitely would be a problem for me. My MC even was saying it was good for me to be angry at him and to express that anger--he wasn't trying to act like it was a personality issue of mine. One thing I've liked about him all along was his willingness to admit he's not perfect, as a therapist, father, husband, human being in general. He's not putting himself up on some pedestal. It sounds like your T is doing that, like he's the only one who can determine who was at fault. And it's not going to be him.

Honestly, the fact that he seems so defensive suggests to me that he *knows* he made a mistake. But if he's unwilling to admit that--and especially if he's trying to act like there's something wrong with you emotionally/personality-wise for being upset with his actions--then it suggests to me that he's not able to look at himself critically and accept that he's not always right. It's like he has a superiority complex. I know it's going to be difficult/painful, but I really think you need to find another T...

Good post LT.

I finally sent an email to a counseling center in town. Maybe they can match me up with a therapist who I can talk to about this. Thank you everyone once again.

Yep. You're exactly right. I'm afraid of the empty feeling I know I'll have from not having him in my life after 4 years of very intense attachment--but honestly the emptiness is better for me than the pain I am feeling now with someone who is convinced that I am majorly messed up and using that against me in everything I say and do anymore.

He started back peddling about hugging, ran into a wall, and now is blaming and shaming you.
Really pisses me off how he has turned this onto you. So defensive and accusatory.

Not a good therapist. He is a jerk and a bad therapist.

Absolutely disgusting what he did to you.

I really hope you can find a better therapist. Its not fair that you have had to deal with this hugging thing with a jerk, horrible therapist on top of dealing with a death. I hope you find healing. I am sending you positive vibes.

I hope that you get matched up with a truly caring, invested therapist who can help you process this - and that you can form a healthy attachment with a new therapist who won't be using you as part of their master plan to feed their ego by 'fixing' the world, but genuinely cares about you and your feelings and making your life better. They're definitely out there.

For what it's worth, you seem really together and logical and like you really are willing to do what you need to do to get the help you need. And I think that's awesome. People so often struggle with terrible therapists for months and months after it has become obvious that everything is toxic. I'm really glad it looks like you're going to save yourself some of that pain.

I agree with everyone else that he is totally out of order. He should man up and admit his error. He should also make a shift from thinking about himself and how this is making him feel to focusing on your feelings, and working with them. A skilled therapist could turn this into a helpful experience, it's helpful in therapy when difficult feelings come up, if they can be accepted by all, and understood, and explored. I agree that it seems like gas lighting.