[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm having such an awful time after therapy today.

She told me that after specializing in BPD for 10 yrs in an inner city hospital, she's only seen a handful of people who SH as badly as I do. She said I need something where I can have help all week instead of once a week because it would be negligent of her to keep letting me risk my life or lose the use of a hand. I feel so sick, scared, too much to handle. We went over by half an hour with her telling me that she's doing this BECAUSE she cares, but it's really hard to hear. All of it.

We're going to try a program where I can still see her as my therapist but go more often, but it's not really for people as sick as she and my pdoc think I am. If I cut again, I will definitely be forced into the 2 year full time program because I'm a danger to myself.

It's so hard to not see this as a rejection or an abandonment or as being "too much." She said her hands are tied because I need more help but the hospital won't let her see me more often or talk to me on the phone. She thinks I need help every day, even though she's really experienced with SH and my other issues, she can't give me what I need in thr confines of the program she works in.

I'm mad at myself and scared and worried snd hurt. I can keep seeing her as long as I don't harm myself again and attend the other program. I'm afraid of slipping up and being sent to the 2 year full timr program and getting ANOTHER therapist. The last thing I feel like is trying to trust someone else. She spent an hour and a half trying to explain to me she's doing this because she cares and because she's scared, but it's hard for it to sink in.

It's hard because I feel like she just held a mirror up and was like, "look how sick you are and how much danger you're in." Plus my abandonment issues are triggered so bad.

Everything this year is just too hard.

[LonesomeTonight]

Sending you lots of I know it's hard to understand, but she's doing this because she cares. It sounds like she's doing whatever she can to still stay your T but get you more help.

What does the program she's recommending involve? Is it kind of an outpatient program? Will you see an additional T through that?

[PinkFlamingo99]

It's a full-time outpatient Pprogram for 2 years for people who have been in the system for a long time and are considered high-risk. It's in the same hospital but i'd have to see a T in that program. It's for people with serious self-harm, history of suicide, severe borderline and borderline traits. It's the program she worked in for 10 yrs until she took over outpatient psychology at the same hospital.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I also just got a message from my boss. I think I'm going to get fired tomorrow for lates and excessive absences.

I'm seeing my pdoc friday. I'm going to beg for benzos

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

It's a full-time outpatient Pprogram for 2 years for people who have been in the system for a long time and are considered high-risk. It's in the same hospital but i'd have to see a T in that program. It's for people with serious self-harm, history of suicide, severe borderline and borderline traits. It's the program she worked in for 10 yrs until she took over outpatient psychology at the same hospital.

I assume that's the 2-year one. Sounds like she's trying something now where you can still see her but more often, without doing the 2-year thing? How often could you see her?

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I also just got a message from my boss. I think I'm going to get fired tomorrow for lates and excessive absences.

I'm seeing my pdoc friday. I'm going to beg for benzos

What did your boss say in the message? I know it's easy to jump to worst-case scenario, but might just be checking to see if you're OK. Or even if it is about the lateness/absences, could just be a discussion about it rather than a firing.

That's good you see your p-doc Friday. Maybe you need a different antidepressant, too? Or something to augment what you're on (I forget what you're taking), like Wellbutrin or Abilify (my p-doc was discussing maybe adding Abilify to the Zoloft I'm on).

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I assume that's the 2-year one. Sounds like she's trying something now where you can still see her but more often, without doing the 2-year thing? How often could you see her?

Under outpatient psych she can only see me once per week still. The other thing is the normal program for borderline and borderline traits. It's 2 groupd per week. I already did it about 12 years ago and didn't get much out of it, but she said it would at least be more support and coming to the hospital 3x week so that the group leaders and stuff can at least make sure i'm safe.

She said she and my pdov can't allow this kind of dangerous behavior to continue and it needs to stop because it's dangerous. She said she doesn't want to hurt me by abandoning me but she needs to put my safety first, and they think I'm in danger of accidentally killing myself or losing function in my arm,

Sometimes it scares me too

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

What did your boss say in the message? I know it's easy to jump to worst-case scenario, but might just be checking to see if you're OK. Or even if it is about the lateness/absences, could just be a discussion about it rather than a firing.

That's good you see your p-doc Friday. Maybe you need a different antidepressant, too? Or something to augment what you're on (I forget what you're taking), like Wellbutrin or Abilify (my p-doc was discussing maybe adding Abilify to the Zoloft I'm on).

My meds are actually great. The problem is deeply rooted hurts and when they get triggered I can't cope well. Also, a lot of their patients SH but they say when it's too severe, I need more help.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Under outpatient psych she can only see me once per week still. The other thing is the normal program for borderline and borderline traits. It's 2 groupd per week. I already did it about 12 years ago and didn't get much out of it, but she said it would at least be more support and coming to the hospital 3x week so that the group leaders and stuff can at least make sure i'm safe.

She said she and my pdov can't allow this kind of dangerous behavior to continue and it needs to stop because it's dangerous. She said she doesn't want to hurt me by abandoning me but she needs to put my safety first, and they think I'm in danger of accidentally killing myself or losing function in my arm,

Sometimes it scares me too

I am sorry this is all so hard and scary. I personally am very thankful for your T implementing more support for you. Your T very much cares about you and wants to see you get better, and, so does myself and a whole bunch of fellow PC'ers.

And this deal actually sounds like a great set-up -- you get more support while keeping your wonderful T. You have gained more knowledge and insight in your life since the 12 years you last took this same program. That makes you older and wiser, so I'll bet this time around you will get a lot more out of it.

[LonesomeTonight]

How are you doing today?

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm having a really really hard time. I'm thinking about just letting them put me in the full time program, as much as it scares me. Maybe after 6 months I'll be way safer and more stable and won't need to continue and can just go back to her. I think I really need serious i intensive help, really soon. I think I might even agree to being hospitalized just to keep me safe for a week or so. I think I'm in danger. I see my pdoc in the morning.

As much as it hurts and scares me, I have to admit she's right and I'm in trouble and I'm scared.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I am most likely going to step back a bit from the forum. Xox. I need a break

[Daystrom]

Pink, we care about you very much.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I think I just need a few days off the internet, to read with a cup of tea and watch movies and try to calm down.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I care about you all too. Thanks for your support through this awful year.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I'm having a really really hard time. I'm thinking about just letting them put me in the full time program, as much as it scares me. Maybe after 6 months I'll be way safer and more stable and won't need to continue and can just go back to her. I think I really need serious i intensive help, really soon. I think I might even agree to being hospitalized just to keep me safe for a week or so. I think I'm in danger. I see my pdoc in the morning.

As much as it hurts and scares me, I have to admit she's right and I'm in trouble and I'm scared.

It takes a lot of courage and strength to know you are in trouble and know you need intensive care in the hospital. I think you are taking the first step in realizing this. I really hope you have better days ahead and you loose the need to hurt yourself. I care about you and want you to get better. I think you are strong, you just need to find it within yourself which I know is not an easy task. I am sending you hugs if you want them.

[growlycat]

You don't need to respond to this.If you are reading just know that we all care and want you well too.

[nervous puppy]

(((Pink))))

Please take care

[divine1966]

Hang in there and please do whatever you need to be safe and healthy

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I'm having a really really hard time. I'm thinking about just letting them put me in the full time program, as much as it scares me. Maybe after 6 months I'll be way safer and more stable and won't need to continue and can just go back to her. I think I really need serious i intensive help, really soon. I think I might even agree to being hospitalized just to keep me safe for a week or so. I think I'm in danger. I see my pdoc in the morning.

As much as it hurts and scares me, I have to admit she's right and I'm in trouble and I'm scared.

i went into a full time residential program and it saved my life... just my experience. i think its worth a shot

[JustShakey]

(((PF)))
Hang in there girl

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PinkFlamingo99]

***SI triggers

Thanks everyone. I talked to her when she came to say hi while I was waiting for pdoc. she asked if I was okay, and I immediately started crying about how I don't want to be a full time psych patient again. She said "A, you don't have to be, but we need you to stop and it needs to stop now." She said it's at a severity where I'm lucky I still have proper use of my hand and even if it means hurting me more, at this point it would be negligent of her to not put my physical safety first. I said I don't care about that, and she said that's a big part of what scares them. I knew it was bad, but I didn't realize it was *that* unusual. She also said she was being really blunt about how much danger I'm in because I need to understand it's not okay. She was really nice, I was crying and sitting on the chair and she was kind of squatting so she could talk to me. She said "A, just stop now. I'll help you with it, but if you're actually putting yourself in this kind of danger, it wld be wrong for me to not get you the kind of help you need."

I saw my pdoc and got the same from him, that this is one of the worst cases of SH he has ever seen and it's dangerous and I'm in serious trouble right now. It goes beyond just cutting into the territory of serious, lasting harm, and I'm a danger to myself. He kept saying they gave me this ultimatum (I kept calling it a threat) because of the fact that they care about saving my life, and even if I don't think that's important right now, they want me to be able to get to a point where I care, and they can't do that if I hit an artery and bleed out. They also don't like tbat I don't get the medical attention I need, and the last 2 times were really, really bad, and I just wrapped it up in a bunch of gauze (that stuck to it like glue) and an ace bandage and ignored it until I saw psychologist a few days later.

I' afraid of messing up now. I know it's ridiculous, but I feel like I'm being punished, instead of being forced to get the help I need to stay out of danger. I feel like I'm going the wrong thing and hit that landmine of "too sick to be here."

In a way I think it's them doing stuff like this that makes me feel safe, but at the same time it hits me in every insecurity and fear that I have. I just became comfortable with her and I don't want to lose that while I am struggling so much. I can't see her at the same time because it's in the hospital and you can't see someone outside of the program. I am fairly sure I would have to switch pdocs too.

I was telling my pastor that it's hard to hear this because of the abandonment from my ex-T, and she kept telling me it's nothing like that, but kind of the opposite of that. My ex-T mever referred me up and I got worse and worse until she abandoned me. My pastor told me too that I need serious help and that she's afraid for me and I need to let them keep me safe because I can't do it. She said she was scared to tell me she's praying for me in case I don't get that she's saying I need serious medical help right now. It made me sad that even she was being so blunt about it (she said she cares about me and sometimes part of faith is allowing people to help keep you safe). She gave me a hug after though, which at least softened it, and said she was being honest because she loves me and wants me to know what I am doing isn't okay.

I'm scared for so many reasons. I'm afraid to tell the T I'm not sure I can keep myself safe. I'm afraid of what will happen, but I guess I need to say it too. I'm hoping they will see it as progress that for the first time I am asking for help *before* and not *after*. I know I need help and I know I'm at serious risk, but for several different reasons I do not want to be in full time therapy at the psych hospital right now. For one, I think having that identity put on me again might make me even worse. On the other hand I know they are going to put my physical safety above my mental health right now. I also know the risk to myself is enough that it's fuzzy how much legal choice I have to refuse treatment, but that completely removing myself is a bad idea. So it really is kind of their decision at this point, especially because it's at a public hospital.

I'm scared for myself, my ability to get better (although they both still insist I can if I stay physically safe long enough), and the fact that they and my pastor are scared about my physical health and I don't care... All I care about is how much I hurt insids, and this is going to hurt more.

I need to tell her I'm not sure I can keep myself safe when I see her tomorrow right? I'm so afraid of being a person who is constantly threatening self-harm and then doing nothing, but at the same time I know that it's way past that point.

I am also afraid to tell her the truth (major trigger here)

Possible trigger:

she and my pdoc keep telling me that I don't realize how bad the risk is that I am putting myself at, that I am so close to hitting an artery that this is considered life-threatening. But the truth is, I *do* know. The last 2 times, I was trying to hit an artery or cause permanent damage. They were nowhere near impulsive (like I let them believe), nor do I not understand the danger. The last time (the one that caused all this), I was trying so hard that I froze my arm to go further and left the dogs extra food and water just in case. It wasn't fully a suicide attempt, but also not NOT a suicide attempt. It had forethought and planning and I could have asked for help but didn't. I even knew when I was there with her a few days before that I was going to do it. I could have easily told her I wasn't safe but didn't.

I'm so afraid that *that* will just push things over the edge and land me in the full time program. It's worse if it's planned, isn't it?

It is time to go with the full-time program. I think you know that. It is actually rather overdue from everything you've said over the last few months; it has been concerning that your pdoc and T have waited this long to make serious intervention for your safety. Your physical safety needs to be secured first and foremost. Once that is taken care of, you will probably find yourself more able to focus more realistically and rationally on your mental health.

Please be completely honest with them. Tell them that your actions have been deliberate and intentional to inflict this kind of damage and suicide. They need all the information, and you absolutely need all the help.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I know I do. Thanks. I also think I wil end up inpatient for at least a week if I am honest. But I guess I need to care enough about myself to be honest.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

It is time to go with the full-time program. I think you know that. It is actually rather overdue from everything you've said over the last few months; it has been concerning that your pdoc and T have waited this long to make serious intervention for your safety. Your physical safety needs to be secured first and foremost. Once that is taken care of, you will probably find yourself more able to focus more realistically and rationally on your mental health.

Please be completely honest with them. Tell them that your actions have been deliberate and intentional to inflict this kind of damage and suicide. They need all the information, and you absolutely need all the help.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

I agree that you need to tell them. I know you don't want to be inpatient, but from what you described, it's what you need to keep you safe right now. Your T and p-doc (and pastor) clearly care about you and want to keep you safe and make you better.

I get the fear about leaving your T. Is it possible for your T to at least visit you in the hospital, even if she can't officially provide therapy? Hopefully, they can find some meds or something to help give you peace and stop thinking about wanting to seriously harm yourself.

So I know it's scary, but you have to be honest.