[Lemon]

I was wondering if anyone out there knows of good online resources for those going through divorce (one specific to women would be great). I've looked a little at the relationship thread on this site, but doesn't seem to be what I'm looking for. I don't need a lot of help with the tactical stuff (process, assets, etc) though more info is always better, I'm more looking for people to interact with and share support/experiences.

Thanks for any suggestions!

[sunrise]

Lemon, I've been to a few divorce sites that had message boards, but none were that heavily used. Posts were few and far between. And none of them were women only. I would love to find a supportive, positive place for those going through divorce. I have found with my friends that it is almost better not to talk to them about divorce because especially the divorced ones (that I know) tend to be extremely negative and bitter and just want to rag on their ex-spouse and they are putting their children in between, continuing to battle after the divorce is final, etc. I am not doing my divorce that way (fingers crossed) and so find that I can be dragged down by the negative people. So if you find anything good, please let me know. I'll look through my bookmarks and see if I can find the divorce message boards I've been to, although as I mentioned, they were not that great.

[withit]

Divorce is tough! Hang in there!
What issues are you grappling with right now?

[Lemon]

sunrise - thanks for your thoughts. Let me know if you come across anything good and I'll do the same for you. I always appreciate and learn a lot from your posts here and have learned that at least I'm not alone in this painful process. My T has been great. I had been going every other week, but scheduled me for once a week sessions for awhile. Thank goodness I didn't even need to ask, she just knew.

withit - Thanks for the good wishes. Wish I could put into words what I'm grappling with now. Probably mostly shock and sadness at the moment. There was no infidelity on either side, but we had issues for a long time. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to make it easier to let go. I feel like I'm greiving for someone who has died.

[MsLittleSister]

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Lemon said:

I feel like I'm greiving for someone who has died.

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I feel this way too. And I don't really understand it. I left my husband - I wanted out for a long time. He was emotionally abusive and yet I still think he couldn't help it, he didn't really mean to be. But he wouldn't get help, etc. etc. When it started to get physical, I left.

But I feel so sad inside. I feel all alone and wounded and confused - am I grieving for what I wished for?

Do you know what you are grieving for? It seems very healthy to me that you are reaching out for support. I'm glad you have a therapist who sees what you need and makes the effort to give it to you.

[withit]

Lemon, how long ago did you split up? Who initiated the split-up?
I remember feeling severe grief/anguish, I needed to see my t twice weekly at that time.
It is healthy to express the grief/loss/sadness as this aids in the process of grieving. It may seem like an endless black tunnel, but there definitely is a light at the end of it. Being in the dark tunnel is a prerequisite to coming out on the other end.
Allow yourself to feel the grief. If it is consuming you, perhaps put aside a certain time of day for it. Have you tried journaling?
Take gentle care,

[sunrise]

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Lemon said:
sunrise - thanks for your thoughts. Let me know if you come across anything good and I'll do the same for you.

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I recently found this site, for Divorce Magazine:
http://www.divorcemag.com
They have some really good articles. They also have some discussion forums, which I haven't explored yet. Some are more active than others.

Lemon, I'm glad you are able to see your T so frequently at this very difficult time. ((((hugs)))) I am seeing mine about once every 2 weeks now. I was doing couples therapy with my husband (with my therapist) for a while, but we have terminated that after 8 oh-so-useful sessions. Now I'm back to individual.

I understand completely about what you wrote about grieving. I have been grieving the loss in my marriage for over 2 years now, and we still aren't separated. We plan to separate sometime this Fall and divorce within several months of that. Although I was the one who initiated the divorce, I have layer upon layer of grief and sadness about the end of the marriage and the loss of the relationship. And just when I think I'm done, something new will come up and it will be more tears, grief, and just a profound sadness. Sometimes it is just so nice to go and sit with my T and have him recognize and name my sadness, and sit there with me as I feel it. "I feel your sadness," he will say. But compared to a year ago, I am so much better and "together" now. We've started the divorce process and so far, so good. I could not have done this a year ago or even 6 months ago.

A book that was really influential for me was The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons. This book provided me with a lot of role models--couples who divorced in a humane, civil, and caring way, and who did not end up in constant litigation or hateful animosity. This book stimulated positive and significant action in me, and was a piece in my "healing puzzle," which is still incomplete, but filling in day by day.

[purplemoon]

Lemon,

I don't know if the site has forums but I get a daily email. It covers different topics. Also it is a Christian site. Hope that is alright to post here if not please accept my apologies. It is called Divorce Care. I actually went to a group at a church. Don't know if that helps.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Divorce is tough. Hang in there it gets a little easier with time.

[Lemon]

I just typed a whole reply and it disapeared! Aaah! I'll try to recreate....

Thanks sunrise, purple moon, withit.

The question about grieving is an interesting one. I think I'm grieving for loosing the idea and security of being married. I am financially stable etc etc, but being alone is still scarey. I'm also grieving for the marriage and relationship we used to have. We had many many wonderful times and experiences together. Just because it isn't like that now, doesn't mean I don't remember how it used to be. We tried, but we couldn't get back to that good place.

purplemoon - I'll check out the site you listed. I wasn't offended by the religious aspect, though it might not be what I'm looking for at this time.

withit - My husband and I have been separated but living in the same house for almost a year. I know that sounds strange, we needed time apart, but still wanted to try to save our marriage and having him move out didn't seem like it would foster that. We went on dates, had scheduled discussions, and went to couples therapy for 2 years. My husband has gone through several tramatic events over the past several years and now that he's come out of that stage he has set new goals for his life. Even though I didn't want to be divorced I didn't share those goals. He decided about 3 weeks ago that he didn't want to work on the marriage anymore. Neither of us can change what we want out of life, so even though I don't want to be divorced I can see that this is the right thing in the long run. If I compromised what I want now I think it would cause even more pain later on.

[Lemon]

sunrise - I'm going to spend some time on the site you included and also check out the book. I've been following your threads on your experience in couples and individual therapy. That is somewhat similar to my experience as I was seeing the same T for both. I'm glad we did it that way so she could actually meet my husband and understand his personality and mine.

"And just when I think I'm done, something new will come up and it will be more tears, grief, and just a profound sadness. "

So true! Somedays I'll be going on with my life and then BAM! the sadness or anxiety hits me. I guess that's normal, but it is really exhausting. I liked your analogy to layers of grief also. If I can stay in the present I feel ok, but as my mind wanders back to past happy events that's when it gets tough or similarly to the years ahead which seem both exciting and freeing they also are scary and unknown.

I was interested to read about your expected timing. Do you mind my asking why you are waiting to the Fall to separate? After we decided not to work to save our marriage, I decided I wanted to be the one to file. It is giving me a sense of confidence. I have been surprised about how fast the process actually is. My attorney says we could be divorced by this fall if everything goes as expected. That is a little scary and faster than I expected.

[Lemon]

Sorry LittleSister, my comment to you was lost in my original post! I think I am also grieving for what I wished for. I have parents who are about to celebrate their 38th anniversary so that was my "norm". Even though I learned some bad habits from seeing their marriage, I wanted and expected to have a long supportive marriage and am grieving that is not going to happen with this person. Is that how you feel?

[sunrise]

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Lemon said:
I was interested to read about your expected timing. Do you mind my asking why you are waiting to the Fall to separate? After we decided not to work to save our marriage, I decided I wanted to be the one to file. It is giving me a sense of confidence. I have been surprised about how fast the process actually is. My attorney says we could be divorced by this fall if everything goes as expected. That is a little scary and faster than I expected.

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Lemon, we don't plan to separate until pretty close to when the divorce is final. In my state, once you file, you have to wait a minimum of 3 months to before you can make the divorce final. We'll probably spend most of that 3 month waiting period as we have spent almost the last 2 years, living together in the same house but different bedrooms, being good parents to our kids, sharing parenting responsibilities, and being fairly civil to each other. (We're actually getting along better now that we are more open about the divorce and have been through 2 months of couples counseling.) If we have a reason to separate sooner, we will. I will be staying in our house when we divorce and he wants to buy one for himself, so doesn't want to have to move twice, but instead just move directly from my house to his new one. We haven't filed for divorce yet but will probably join together to file, although I will be the petitioner. Joining together to file saves a lot in legal fees. Right now we are starting work on the financial settlement, which could take some time. We already did quite a bit of work with my therapist on the parenting plan, although we'll need to do some revisions with the lawyers. A big question for us is do we want our divorce final in 2007 or 2008 (affects the 2007 tax return in a big way). It all takes time.... Lemon, if your divorce is moving too fast, just slow it down.

If you read The Good Divorce, let me know what you think. It was very inspirational to me.

I sometimes get sad when I realize the future I had expected will not be. Growing old together, spending our retirement years together, being grandparents together. All that is lost. Last summer on vacation we were wandering through an old, historic graveyard, and I saw so many couples buried next to each other, with twin tombstones, "my beloved".... It just broke my heart because I realized that was never going to be me, and I had thought it would.

[Lemon]

Sunrise, I have heard of states with a waiting period, but mine doesn't have that. I feel better about the timing of my situation today. Probably that's because I'm still experiencing the post-T glow. Sometime when things are painful for me I rush to get through them to get to the other side. I'm sort-of the reverse of a procrastinator. I'm going to try to be careful during this whole thing to take the time I need. I think my issues are less about figuring out and settleing things between me and my husband (assets, debt etc) and more about working with T to rebuild and rediscover who I am and who I want to be. I know that you have more complicated things to work through with your husband regarding children, so I'm luckly that I don't have children to think about.

I haven't had time to look at the book you recommended, but I did look at the website last night. You are right the forums don't seem to be active and aren't very user friendly. I've scanned some of the articles.

I too get sad when I think about not having my husband to grow old with. I always liked seeing older couples taking walks together holding hands or sitting in a park. I wanted that.

[StephSteph2015]

Hey there, I found this vlogger on youtube who is or was going through a divorce and she blogs about it and asks people who are going through similar situations to send in messages so she can cover it on her show. I will link her youtube page below I hope this helps you I know what you are going through can be a hard thing.

Its called Diary of a Divorced Mom

Originally Posted by Lemon

I was wondering if anyone out there knows of good online resources for those going through divorce (one specific to women would be great). I've looked a little at the relationship thread on this site, but doesn't seem to be what I'm looking for. I don't need a lot of help with the tactical stuff (process, assets, etc) though more info is always better, I'm more looking for people to interact with and share support/experiences.

Thanks for any suggestions!