Am I wrong about T?

Long post...

A year and a half ago I was living with my mother and sister. Due to a chronic illness/disability I have never been able to support myself. I did however finish a master's degree. My mother decided to retire to FL and my sister got an apartment. I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but essentially I lost my home and family. My dad had died a few years prior. I was a disaster, and it was at this time that I realized that a lot of long term problems I had was due to my not getting the love and affection I needed as a child. I had to do something, because I couldn't stay there, so I moved to another state to attend school for a vocational certificate. I saw a T for a few weeks before moving. The department of rehab helped me out, and I got a 4.0 for the fall semester. However, a nuisance back injury suddenly became disabling, I had surgery, and had to drop out. Surgery was successful, but I haven't been the same since. The pain before surgery especially was traumatic. Last summer I moved in state to a better situation. However, I have not been able to find or afford a place to live, so I'm living rent free in a house owned by my church. I have two part time jobs, am exceedingly disappointed with life right now, and quite alone. I'm having a hard time seeing that I have a future. I spoke with my priest about some bad coping behaviors, and he suggested I see a T from the church.

Initially she saw me free for a few sessions until she could get on my insurance (medicaid provider), which turned into a few months. Eventually, she got on the insurance, but several weeks after I was switched to regular medicaid. It doesn't cover T. She seems willing, but I don't feel comfortable asking her to see me any longer. She diagnosed me with MDD and GAD. (I'm not always this upset.) She says I never formed a secure attachment. I think she exaggerates this a bit, but that's more or less true.

I'm thinking of applying for disability, but frankly I'm tired of asking people for help, and visiting government offices.

My question:

I've brought this up before. Basically what I wanted in a therapist was sympathy and moral support. I needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold my hand. Frankly, I also need someone to complain to. I need someone to listen, understand, and help me gently. I feel strongly that they should understand and ask questions more than anything else.

Unfortunately she does CBT and ACT. She's also primarily a pediatric psychologist. I'm older than she is. When I read about CBT and ACT before I went, it really freaked me out. It sounded just like my mom. If something was wrong and I went to my mom basically she would tell me to fix it, or accept it. I didn't want the same from a T. When I started going I felt like something about me bothered her. I tend to be oversensitive that way, but it was more than usual. I don't usually feel like someone doesn't like me for no reason.

If I had to guess, I would say that she is uncomfortable with me expressing frustration or anger. (NOT directed toward her - my life is frustrating right now.) Upon further reflection, I think it's partly that. I think she is frustrated with certain aspects of her life. I'm not certain, but I think that maybe she is expecting me to deal with things the way she does, even though our circumstances are very different. Maybe I just remind her of her situation. I'm not sure about that, but I'm fairly certain that she sees that she can't change my circumstances, that I'm frustrated and upset with things I can't change, and so in a way she doesn't want to deal with them in T.

I went to T today. It was the first time since I found out I was on regular medicaid, and she wouldn't get paid. Before when she was seeing me, there was a promise of getting paid down the road, now there's nothing.

We kind of had a disagreement. She wants me to "accept" the way things are. I can't see how this is different from giving up. I told her certain things were not acceptable. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, and I think a certain amount of frustration is to be expected. I was telling her how abandoned I felt, and she was saying not to focus on the past. To be honest, I have tried to avoid doing too much of that in T, and have done much less than I wanted. She was telling me that I needed to take more responsibility for my choices. Where I am at now is REALLY not due to my making bad choices. She tried to back away from blaming me, but wanted me to think about myself as in control, rather than feeling out of control all the time. I can see that, but I don't think she understands how limited my choices have become.

She may be right about certain things, but there's two problems. 1. I feel like she doesn't understand. 2. I feel like my feelings are not being sufficiently acknowledged.

I think I'm going to let her off the hook and tell her since she's not being paid I'm not going to continue. I don't know what I'll do. Maybe being away from it will be good for me.

I'm sorry that things have been so tough for you.

It sounds like the CBT that your T specialises in is maybe not what you need right now? What you described needing, sympathy and moral support, sounds more like counselling to me. A safe space where you can explore how you feel with someone who will reflect your feelings, really, not try and move you on, come up with strategies etc.

I hope you can find someone who will help you feel heard, and that if you do leave your T, you can do so on good terms. Good luck.

I hire the woman just to listen. I would not think it was something a cbt one was trained in and would not choose that kind if I just wanted someone to hear me.

I think maybe it is time to get a therapist that Medicaid will pay for. You sound like you are proactive and want a fulfilling life, but just need a little coaching and support. There is nothing wrong with that, we all do, some of us can get that from parents, some from spouses, but if you don't have those, then there is nothing wrong with that.
I think you will do well, if you need to get on disability due to chronic pain or disabilities, then do that. Don't feel guilty. That is what the program is there for, to assist those who need it.
Keep your chin up, you can do it.

If it doesn't feel like a good fit, then it's okay to find someone else.

I see a DBT therapist and DBT is a child, so to speak, of CBT although it's much more regulated in terms of what is considered "DBT".

I say that because in DBT there's the core concept of acceptance called radical acceptance (radical being like an inner core acceptance, not a wildly crazy acceptance). It's not giving up, it's recognizing and naming reality for what it is. If my leg is broken, I can wish all day that it wasn't, but it is. I can bemoan the fact that I need help, but the fact is, I need it regardless of how I feel about it. So, I don't have to like my that my leg is broken. I do have to accept that my leg is broken. Once I accept my leg is broken - that this is a *fact* - I can then move forward. I can accept that I am going to need help - a doctor, crutches, check ups, people helping me get to things. I can also accept that I will have emotions about it - fear, worry, anger, frustration - and those emotions no longer control me because I can name them for what they are - emotions.

I don't know if that clarifies it. It's a difficult concept, but it's probably my favorite DBT skill because whenever I've been able to find that place of acceptance, I find myself less frustrated and my energy is better put towards the things I am able to effect change on. It doesn't mean I don't feel upset or anything, it just means I'm no longer trying to sever my ball and chain with my teeth and chipping my teeth in the process.

Thank you for taking the time to explain. She's not taking the time to see what I really think about things. Today, I said we need to be specific about what things I should accept. We didn't get anywhere. Personally, I think that some things are not acceptable. However, I'm know there is a lot of room for learning to be at peace in spite of that. The worst part for me is that there is another person telling me essentially that they don't believe in me because I have epilepsy.

She should say something like, "You're right Matt, someone with an advanced degree really should be able to do something for a career besides wash dishes. I'll help you through it for now, and help you figure out where to go from there." Instead, she seems to be telling me I'm wrong for being frustrated.

I wonder if she's trying to suggest that the state of being frustrated will not help you do something for a career besides wash dishes.

Being frustrated with my T won't help either!

I guess I just feel bad because she has been very generous with her time, which makes me think she really wants to help. If I were paying I would stick with it. Instead I feel like a pain. I feel bad, because even if her orientation isn't ideal, I should still be able to benefit. I suppose it's ok though, I am "neuro-atypical", and stubborn too. Maybe I just need something else.

I think you need to tell her 1 &2! If you want to be acknowledged and understood, then you will need to tell her you don't now and why. If you tell her and then you still feel that way, yeah time for a new therapist.

So I don't understand, she didn't say she wouldn't keep seeing you? Don't walk away if you don't have to. I would think this would jeopardize things, but you never know, and since she didn't already say...

It doesn't sound like a very good fit for you at all. I've never found that forcing an a relationship like that was helpful to me, not even when trying to hang in there. It's okay to thank her and move on. Maybe a support group would help you feel understood and connected?

She maybe generous with her time, but that doesn't mean she's a good fit. I had a counselor before my current T that I only saw for a few months. Other people had been helped by her, but I found her difficult and she increased my anxiety. When I started seeing my current T, it was a breath of fresh air. While I felt anxious about opening up, he took everything I said in stride and I left feeling lighter than I had walking in. The depression would press back down on me, but at least for a bit, I left feeling better and feeling like I could make it to the next week.

I think part of that was personality. My T and I have good chemistry. When I make a jab, he can jab back and he knows how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful and I end up laughing. It's fun for us and it makes therapy easier for me. I know your options are likely limited but I don't think there's anything wrong with looking through what options you have and seeing if there's one that is at least workable. Even in DBT our emotions are validated. Emotions give us information and then we can work with them from there. My T never invalidated what I felt even as he nudged me to come to places of acceptance (and it was nudging, not pushing which I think is a nuanced difference).

I'm terrified of telling her 1 and 2. I'm afraid she'll get mad (or at least frustrated or annoyed). The whole thing just reminds me too much of my mom. I don't feel safe being open or direct. She hurt my feelings last time. At times I'm getting a lot of frustration from her. (Maybe she is unconsciously "mirroring" my own frustration.). She was even a little passive aggressive. I don't know what it's about, because I'm sure she doesn't mean it, and she's not always that way. I admit I'm difficult, but helping me with that is part of the job.

I feel exactly the same way about forcing a relationship.

I'm really confused about why she is seeing me at all. I can see she's not happy about doing it for free, but at the same time seems willing. I don't think I'll ever let myself see anyone without compensation again, it makes things complicated.

I'll let her know on Tuesday when I see her.

If I do this in the future I'll try to see someone who focuses on attachment issues.

Nowhere, I think that's part of it. I don't feel at ease with her. I don't expect T to be fun and easy, but I do need help communicating. Instead I start shutting down and feel more self conscious. I feel more shut off. I can tell her that. Thanks.

It's difficult because shutting down is a defense mechanism, it's not necessarily related to something your therapist is doing, but it could be. Do you think you would shut down on the same material with anyone else?

I shut down frequently, it is one of the issues I work on, but it doesn't take much sometimes for me to do it. Sometimes I cant even tell what triggers it, but I armor up and suddenly cant think of anything to say.

I think after time with the same person you learn to trust them (or not). How much time that is probably varies from person to person. I just know that it's taken me several years to say certain things. And yeah, therapy is not easy, esp if you have childhood issues which it sounds like you do. For me it seems to ebb and flow. I will have a stretch of feeling very close to my therapist and loved even, and then a stretch where I question all that and he seems more distant, and then repeat. It has felt like that for the whole three years, and ever so slowly I just react less to those ebbs and flows.

My impression is that she is doing it because of the church connection? Sometimes, people extend themselves because another is in need, but that doesn't mean they can help. It could be that she realized she's not helping you, but feels an obligation (to herself, her beliefs, etc) not to leave you hanging or to reject you. It's possible to want to help someone and just not be good for that person. So, both of you are stuck in this situation that doesn't work, not wanting to hurt the other. Being thankful for her effort, and saying good-bye, can be a gift to you both.

Petra, I shut down whenever I feel judged or rejected in some way. For example, some bad things happened over the weekend and I felt very alone. I related what happened, and I think she was sympathetic. Then she asked me what it would help me to talk about. I had no clue, so I asked her. She dug in and asked me again. Things went downhill from there. She either didn't understand I needed help with the question, or she wanted to change where the conversation was going. I kept talking, but after that we weren't communicating. I was in my own thoughts, and fighting off her responses.

Ruh roh, I wonder about that too. I asked my priest whether that might be the case, since he knows her much better than me, and he initially approached her on my behalf. He thinks she would say something, but maybe she is also concerned for me not having anyone else to go to. She seems to think I'm less functional than I actually am. (I probably look like a wreck in therapy.). I do need someone, but I need to feel supported.

Well, I didn't quit. I'm glad because it felt a bit ractionary. She opened by asking me about our last session. It was good. I told her some things I needed to, and we decided on some more specific goals.

She's going to help me with some practical issues getting my life in order, and we are going to work out of a workbook for other issues. I'm not going to expect the sort of sympathy and support that I had wanted (purely my decision). I did explain how some of the things she was doing were like my mother does. She hadn't been aware of that. I told her that she needed to be more gentle with me, and that I would respond better with more support. I'm also going to start paying her a little for each session, which I can do and am very happy to do. It makes things feel much better.

I won't see her until after Christmas. Then, if after a while things still don't work, I'll feel more comfortable quitting.