I don't know what to make of this.

Hi,

I've written here some about the T I've been seeing the last few months. I've found it to be a confusing working relationship on various levels. I see him again tomorrow, and I think it may be our last session.

We talked about stopping earlier, but we said we'd keep meeting through the end of July. To me, that meant we'd both keep trying hard and see if the working relationship could be improved. But every session, or every other session, my T says that he thinks it may not work out, or he isn't comfortable with it, or I should still continue to look for other counselors....something on that order. We met yesterday, and he did so again. I'm finding the whole situation confusing. Even if we kept meeting until the end of July, it seems so tenuous. One week, he will say that he is planning on working with me throughout the process, and ready to listen over the long term, the next week he is speaking of quitting. One week, he says we should meet frequently, then the next week he says we should meet once a week or less. He goes back and forth, and is unpredictable. I find this really scary, and incredibly confusing.

Maybe it is just time to call it quits. I really don't know what the next step would be at this point. But I don't think this is working. I find it hard to discuss much in this context. I don't know if it is just me, or this might be hard for somebody else also, but I'm finding this really bewildering. If I were going to be in counseling, I would want something more...well....reliable? Somebody whose views and approach weren't changing on a weekly or moment-by-moment basis. On the other hand, this is hard, because I don't have another idea at the moment, and I"m not even sure I want to try again.

Thanks for listening.

Take care,
ErinBear

I would definitely talk this out with the T!!! Exactly what you said here... and find out, is he or isn't he going to work with you till the end of July??? What is going on??? It may be all about the T and nothing to do with you.

Thanks, Sky. I appreciate it, and we will talk about it tomorrow. Thanks for your reply. (((Sky))) hugs if okay

Take care,
ErinBear

Erin, I'd find that situation intolerable!! Maybe this is more normal then I know, but to me a T that is unpredictable is not healthy!!

Thanks, Mouse. I don't know how common it is for Ts to behave in this way. The Ts I saw in the past didn't work in this way - at least I know that much. I think it is unhealthy, too, at least for my situation. Thanks for your reply, and for listening.

Take care,
ErinBear

Out of 6 Ts (lifetime total ) I've had 2 who didn't seem to want to work with me. One unceremoniously cut back from one session per week to one session every other week; the other kept telling me if I wasn't going to work in therapy (and this was early, before I'd developed any trust in him), I should give my spot to someone else. I wasn't able to salvage the relationship in either case and left therapy feeling demoralized and with lower self-esteem.

Imo, these are dead-end situations. For whatever reason, the T you're seeing now seems to be ambivalent about working with you. You may or may not learn the real reason, but one thing you do know is that you can't trust him to stick by you. This can't be healthy for you. You may want to try interviewing a few more counselors to see if you find one you click with better, one who's willing to be more patient with your situation. There are better ones out there, and you do deserve to be treated by someone who values and has faith in you.

I agree. If he isnt sure than I think you should leave, but not before expressing your disappointment in him not putting forth effort to make the situation work. However, Ts are human so perhaps its best if he knows his limitations. I wish you the best in finding a new T.. Don't give up on one incapable T.

Sometimes my past therapists have done this too bouncing back and forth about whether or not to continue with me. Finally the last time a therapist did this to me I flat out told them I didn't think their boucing back and forth was fair to me.. Boy was I not prepared for her answering back to me on that issue.. she told me that she was taking her cues from me. When I pulled myself back away from her or the conversation, problem..that told her that I was not ready to work on my problems. I was the one paying her. I was the one that came to her..She didn't want her and I to be waisting money and time that can be put to better use if I wasn't ready to do the work of facing whart my problems were and developing goals and working on those goals to fix my problems. So when she noticed I was distancing myself from her, the problems ect.. she would bring up the issue of whether or not we should continue together so that I was aware that what goes on in therapy is my choice and I control it and if I wasn't ready then it was time to either go elsewhere or take a break from therapy..

Ever since then I have been noticing my own behavours in therapy. instead of distancing myself I will not tell my therapist right out that they are moving too fast for me and whatever I need from them at that moment. since then I have not had any more problems with therapists being the bouncing therapist ball.

Im the one that sought out therapy and Im the one that needs their help so I now tell them what I expect and need from them.. makes therapy so much easier.

Hi Erin,

I agree that you should tell him exactly what you posted here. See what he says about it then. If he says he will work with you then ask him if he understands how his inconsistency is causing you pain.

This may open up a bigger discussion...

Crystal, I'm not sure if we're wasting time and money when we pull away? Isn't that just another "resistence"? and another way we are testing whether T will reach out to us and save us??? I've pulled back plenty and T has just sat with me. I think I spent a yr just talking about anything, building an unconsious level of trust? If One was missing appointments then I think a T's comments would be appropriate, but not if one is turning up, just the turning up is part of the therapy too.

Erin, keep us informed about what happens today. I think T's are like the rest of us and some aren't very good at some of the things they do, sounds like yours doesn't know how to end (or continue) consistently and well and I would break it off myself since it is causing you pain and anxiety. It does sound very unsettling. Have you been looking for another therapist at all during this time? It's your therapy, I would find a harder worker/someone who's more consistent and that you "click" with better.

Thanks everyone for your comments - and yes, I will write about what happens today. I will indeed share about the things I've written here.

I think there may be various things going on in the working relationship. I am thinking more and more that part of the problem is that he is not comfortable himself - he has essentially said that he doesn't feel as if he has the right training for the problems I'm facing. And if that's the case, it may be best to stop therapy, for both of us. So, we'll meet today and try to again to talk about the situation and see what the best resolution would be. It may be that stopping would be best.

Yes, I have looked for other therapists, but haven't had much luck so far. Frankly I had a hard time finding him. I'm not sure what the next step might be - it may be just stopping therapy altogether. I'm just not sure right now. We'll see what happens.

Thanks again, everyone, for listening and replying.

Take care,
ErinBear

I'm glad that you are talking to him about his comfort level with working with you on your particular issues. Not all therapist are as competent in all areas and it is so imporant to work with someone who has some experience in the issues you are dealing with. I'm not saying to change therapist, just that is important that you have confidence in him and are able to trust him that he will do the best for you. If that means finding another therapist than so be it.

Little Mouse

I'm sorry you're going through this! There has to be a better T out there for you..... some T's are much better trained (and maybe more emotionally healthy ) than this T seems to be.....I think anyone who is invested in their therapy and in becoming healthier would feel hurt, confused and betrayed by this dude's behaviour. As a professional he shouldn't behave this way.

What I would do is tell him next time you see him that this session is the last time you will see him. And try to make that session as good a termination session as you can. As he changes his mind on such a regular basis I would find it confusing and scary too (not to mention unprofessional IMO) By you making the decision to terminate, you will be taking your power back.

(((((((((((((( ErinBear )))))))))))))))

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ErinBear said:
he doesn't feel as if he has the right training for the problems I'm facing.

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It's very good he is up front with this. Can he tell you what sort of therapist would have the right training for you? (or maybe you already know this?) I know I would like to do family therapy at some point with my daughter, and her therapist is very direct in telling me she cannot provide this as she is not trained in family therapy. It is good when they know their limitations.

Is there a point in continuing through July with your current T if he does not have the ability to help you? Maybe it is helpful to you to wind things down and have a gradual termination? Or maybe not?

Good luck.

sunny