[justbreathe1994]

Hi,
I am new to this site and just thought maybe this could be a helpful and safe place to seek support. I am very attached to my T (and I know I am not the only one, despite how lonely it feels at times) and really wish she was my Mom. We see each other a lot during the week in addition to our sessions as I am in a program she helps lead, so you could say seeing her so much definitely doesn't help with the attachment. When I first told her about the Mom stuff and how attached I had become, she was so warm and caring. Lately, however, as I seem to be getting more triggered by her (even a change in her tone of voice sends me into a complete spiral about her not caring), she is acting a lot more distant. I am so afraid my attachment and intense feelings are pushing her away, even though she keeps affirming that isn't happening. That's just not the way it seems. When I am triggered, she gets really irritated and says things like how it's not about her or her acceptance of me. She says it shouldn't matter whether she cares or not... I need to be strong on my own. I understand her wanting to promote independence in me, but all of it just feels so cold compared to her original reaction - full of warmth and compassion, affirmation and love. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar struggle and how they respond when T says things along these lines or changes their approach so much? I just feel so ashamed for wanting her acceptance so bad and her reaction just doesn't help... I only wish it was that easy

[AllHeart]

Is t working with you to develop any coping skills at all? Sorry you are having such difficulty. I hope your pain eases soon.

[Ellahmae]

Offering you hugs. I am deep into 'motherly' attachment with my T. However, she hasn't said any of the things yours has. She is just as much 'with me' as she was before we started talking about the 'mom' stuff. She even told me that is what she was doing, and what I needed and she would be there with it through every step of the way and that I would eventually wean myself from her but right now what I feel I need is what I need and it's okay.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and your T is being cold. I hope you can find relief soon or that she'll be open to an honest/candid conversation about how you're feeling and be able to offer you ways to cope as you struggle through this change.

[unaluna]

I told my t he needed to slow down. I understood what the goals were, im not a dummy, but i couldnt just jump to them. Whose timeline is it anyway??

[musinglizzy]

Yes, I understand how you feel. I have posts plastered all over this forum since March, about it. I have a deep attachment to my T also, I don't feel like I have the maternal longing from her that you do, but even though she switched things up, and became a bit more distant herself, and really hurt me, I'm still horribly attached. I see her in about an hour, but I don't really talk about these things. After 9 months of feeling so bad because of the change in our "therapeutic relationship," I am finally taking that first step in a different direction. I have a session with a new T next week. A second T, for now.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

Offering you hugs. I am deep into 'motherly' attachment with my T. However, she hasn't said any of the things yours has. She is just as much 'with me' as she was before we started talking about the 'mom' stuff. She even told me that is what she was doing, and what I needed and she would be there with it through every step of the way and that I would eventually wean myself from her but right now what I feel I need is what I need and it's okay.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and your T is being cold. I hope you can find relief soon or that she'll be open to an honest/candid conversation about how you're feeling and be able to offer you ways to cope as you struggle through this change.

Thanks Ellamae... That's really awesome your T has acted no different around you. Honestly, that would feel like a dream if my T acted that way with me. I don't know if you feel comfortable sharing, but I was wondering how long you've been having these attachment feelings for your T? I was thinking maybe Ts do have some kind of "timeline" when it comes to this stuff and thought maybe my T is getting frustrated because it only seems to be getting more intense (which isn't true, I am just sharing more/no longer hiding it) and is therefore getting increasingly frustrated because it doesn't seem to be improving. Thanks again.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

Hi,
I am new to this site and just thought maybe this could be a helpful and safe place to seek support. I am very attached to my T (and I know I am not the only one, despite how lonely it feels at times) and really wish she was my Mom. We see each other a lot during the week in addition to our sessions as I am in a program she helps lead, so you could say seeing her so much definitely doesn't help with the attachment. When I first told her about the Mom stuff and how attached I had become, she was so warm and caring. Lately, however, as I seem to be getting more triggered by her (even a change in her tone of voice sends me into a complete spiral about her not caring), she is acting a lot more distant. I am so afraid my attachment and intense feelings are pushing her away, even though she keeps affirming that isn't happening. That's just not the way it seems. When I am triggered, she gets really irritated and says things like how it's not about her or her acceptance of me. She says it shouldn't matter whether she cares or not... I need to be strong on my own. I understand her wanting to promote independence in me, but all of it just feels so cold compared to her original reaction - full of warmth and compassion, affirmation and love. I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar struggle and how they respond when T says things along these lines or changes their approach so much? I just feel so ashamed for wanting her acceptance so bad and her reaction just doesn't help... I only wish it was that easy

The best thing I've found is to find a time when you are NOT triggered ( maybe the start of a session??) And approach the issue directly when you are less emotional. Tell her you feel she has been less warm and compassionate and you are trying to understand this change.

Dont discount the fact that part of it may be your perception of the situation and not your t's behavior . after nearly 4 years with my T I have finally come to terms with the fact that 1. Most of the time when I think my T doesn't care she is actually acting the same as always. Because of my abuse my brain attaches way too much importance to small changes in voice etc. She reminds me that healthy people don't change how they feel about others constantly. I have this problem in other relationships as well though its highlighted with my T
2. When my t DOES act different I often unconsciously create the issue. I say "leave me alone!" Or something when what I really mean is "I need you!"

Its taken a lot of time to come to terms with those facts but as I have I have realized I do the same things in all my relationships so I am learning to relate to everyone from a place of more security. You may not have these issues but it's something to think about.

My T has occasionally lost patience with me over similar things. When we were both calmer she said that even tho she tries to control her emotions, its painful when you are trying hard to show caring for someone and they keep.lumping. you in with their abuser anyway. She will say things like " your mother was an evil, abusive person. You know I'm not. Try to.remember that"

I know its very painful and hard but you may find a lot of good come out if you address it all directly. Assuming your T is decent at her job.

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

Hi,
I am new to this site and just thought maybe this could be a helpful and safe place to seek support. I am very attached to my T (and I know I am not the only one, despite how lonely it feels at times) and really wish she was my Mom.

--------------OK. This is a psychotherapy thread right ? How long have you been seeing her ? Has it been long enough for a transference to take place ?

We see each other a lot during the week in addition to our sessions as I am in a program she helps lead, so you could say seeing her so much definitely doesn't help with the attachment. When I first told her about the Mom stuff and how attached I had become, she was so warm and caring.

-------------She's just doing her job. I mean there's nothing wrong with your feelings towards her, but you have to work out your real feelings towards your mother, which I think is the real issue ,( that you will probably discuss with her at some point in your treatment ).

Lately, however, as I seem to be getting more triggered by her (even a change in her tone of voice sends me into a complete spiral about her not caring), she is acting a lot more distant. I am so afraid my attachment and intense feelings are pushing her away, even though she keeps affirming that isn't happening. That's just not the way it seems.

--------------First of all what do you mean by "triggered". Do you get hot for her ? Is she hot ? Doe's she remind you of your mother in some way ? Do you really want her sexually ? What does she do to trigger you ? Of course she is going to seem more distant as she's not going to feed or fall into your neurosis. Remember , she's the therapist and your the client !

When I am triggered, she gets really irritated and says things like how it's not about her or her acceptance of me. She says it shouldn't matter whether she cares or not... I need to be strong on my own. I understand her wanting to promote independence in me, but all of it just feels so cold compared to her original reaction - full of warmth and compassion, affirmation and love.

----------What do you do when you get triggered by her ? She is right. It's not about her. Your not there for her to like you. Privately she probably doesn't really care about you. At least not in the way you want her to. What do you want her to do ? Hug you ? Kiss you ? Tell you what a good son you are ?
The whole idea of therapy is to disconnect you from your neurosis. ( Just thinking about Freud right now ). I think your exaggerating her initial reaction to you which was just a positive affirmation to start off with.

I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar struggle and how they respond when T says things along these lines or changes their approach so much? I just feel so ashamed for wanting her acceptance so bad and her reaction just doesn't help... I only wish it was that easy

-----------If you feel your T has an up and down attitude towards you it's probably because different parts of therapy call for different approaches. Now if you feel uncomfortable with her you can terminate treatment , and vice versa. I think there was a reason why Freud had his patients lie on a couch with him behind them on a chair. To try and minimize any transference.
Your probably "ashamed" for wanting more than just her acceptance.

I wish you luck.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I understand where you are coming from. I have a deep attachment to my T and have had a wish that she could be my mom. In other words I have maternal transference with her. I have felt this way for a long time and have talked to my T about this many times and she has really helped me with these feelings. I have realized in the last week that I am happy and blessed and content with how things are. I have a special relationship with her and she has told me she loves and cares about me. That is enough. It has taken me a LONG time to get to this point.

My best advice to you is to keep talking this over with your T. Your feelings are normal. Keep asking her why she seems to be acting different. She might have other things going on. I hope you get the answers you need/want and this gets better for you and not as painful.

[PinkFlamingo99]

It's easy for her to say you should be strong on your own, but if it were that easy for you, you woukdnt be in therapy. I know how hard that attachment can be because I was just like that with my ex-T and I spent so many nights in fear and pain she would hurt me. Her response doesn't seem very compassionate or even therapeutic. My current one won't answer a lot of my reassurance questions, but she will at times when I really need it, and she doesn't get mad either.

I don't like that she gets annoyed with you but doesn't give you much to build up your own strength. I think strength comes from confidence and her responses are a little confusing and shaming.

I don't really beloeve in transference or any of the Freudian stuff, but I do thibj that in life in general and relationships in general, that desperate needing other people is a sign that you really need to built up your self-esteem and self-efficacy. And she should be working with you to do that.