[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm having such a hard time over the holidays. No therapy or pdoc for 3 weeks and things have been so tenuously "okay," that I'm having such a hard time keeping it up. To be honest, the only thing keeping me safe right now is knowing that my therapist is going to check my arms and legs when we get back.

Possible trigger:

I sat in church on Christmas Eve, and all I could think about was how badly I want to carve myself up.

I have my safety plan, and I'm using it. If it comes to that, I'll go stay at the crisis centre or go to the ER like I promised. But it's really really hard to keep all these dark thoughts away for so long. Especially right after they told me how therapy once a week isn't enough right now. The only thing keeping me safe is not wanting the consequences of hurting myself. It's hard though. I keep crying and screaming into my pillow.

I haven't cut in 2 months and I don't want to ruin it because I think the longer I go, the easier it will get. 2 months always seems to be when I lose it and give in though. Just sucks this time is coming over Christmas, which is hard anyway.

I ran into my ex-T on the metro (yes, the one who hurt me so much), and it struck me that she was not only so cold (I had come to wonder if I had imagined it), but that she actually seemed angry with me. I've been thinkjng about that a lot. She has no right to be angry. She encouraged me to become so dependent I forgot how to cope on my own for over 5 years, then broke my heart after surgery, and I think she's angry I wrote that last emailtelling her that she hurt me and she damaged me by causing so much dependence and promises that could never be kept.

What struck me the most was how angry I felt when I saw her. I knew I was hurt and sad and felt betrayed, but this is the first time I felt so angry. It seemsso unfair that she should get to think she did notbing wrong, damage me, and get to walk away consequence-free, when I have practically destroyed myself wondering why I'm no longer loveable and having all those abandonment wounds re-opened. I've been to hell, and I'm trying to claw my way out, and I don't think she believes she did a single thing wrong. It hurts like hell.

Normally I would ask my pastor to talk, but it's *her* vacation now, with her brand new granddaughter. I wanted to whisper to her when I hugged her at the door on Sunday that I'm scared, just so somebody can help me carry it, but I didn't want to worry her. And I know she does worry about my safety.

It's hard to struggle so badly and feel so alone. I'm counting down the days until my therapy appointment on the 6th. The whole psych hospital is closed until the 4th. It's hard, but I can do it. I just need to do what I can to keep myself safe.

I keep forgetting that I'm supposed to be saying nicer things to myself. I've been drawing a heart on my hand as a visual reminder. Funny how easy it is to forget even the most simple things. I'm also trying the "acting opposite" but I have trouble putting it into practice for a lot of things, especially since I'm so isolated.

Thanks for listening.

[Out There]

Keep drawing those hearts on your hand to remind yourself that you ARE lovable. Be kind to yourself.

[divine1966]

Stay strong. You are doing well

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[nervous puppy]

(((Pink)))
you're doing great! You CAN do it and you ARE doing it.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Stay strong Pink! Two months being SI free is a huge deal! You can do it. Something that might help you is if you reward yourself the longer you can stay SI free. Ex. After three months you could reward yourself with your favorite food or a manicure. Every month you make it with out hurting yourself you could reward yourself with something. That way you would not only have motivation but something to look forward to. At your six month mark you could have a cake and/or get a new outfit. Do you think that would be helpful?

Please stay safe and keep drawing the hearts on your arm or hand. You deserve love and to be be loved.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

Stay strong Pink! Two months being SI free is a huge deal! You can do it. Something that might help you is if you reward yourself the longer you can stay SI free. Ex. After three months you could reward yourself with your favorite food or a manicure. Every month you make it with out hurting yourself you could reward yourself with something. That way you would not only have motivation but something to look forward to. At your six month mark you could have a cake and/or get a new outfit. Do you think that would be helpful?

Please stay safe and keep drawing the hearts on your arm or hand. You deserve love and to be be loved.

What a great idea to reward yourself!

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[LonesomeTonight]

Sending you

You're doing great--2 months is a long time! The holidays are a very difficult time for many people--we were just talking about that in marriage counseling today because I've been having a rough time the past couple weeks. MC was saying that holidays can make you yearn for things you know you won't get from people--like connections and understanding (not so much presents).

I like the hearts idea.

I'm sorry you ran into your ex-T and that she was cold toward you. This might sound weird, but the fact that you're feeling anger now at her is probably a good thing. I have trouble with the emotion of anger, and MC has said that depression and anxiety are feelings of helplessness, while anger is more about taking action and empowerment. He's said that when he has depressed clients, he'll try to get them to move from depression to anger rather than first going for happiness. Directing some anger at her is better than directing it at yourself...

[precaryous]

Hi Pink,
I like the idea of rewarding yourself for being SI free.

When you go back to T in three weeks, can you ask your T if she will contract to do something special- maybe a phone call from her- if you can you can be SI free for a certain amount of time?
I'm not sure if you are that attached to your T....it's just that positive reinforcements like that helped me to stop SI.
Just a thought.

[kecanoe]

I understand being on shaky ground while t is gone. But I agree with others that you are doing a fantastic job of coping. You are staying safe, following your safety plan. If that's the best you can do, good for you! I know how hard just following a safety plan is.

Pink, you can do this.
You are lovable and you deserve happiness.

[musinglizzy]

I'm so sorry your struggling PF. I know the feeling...I've really been struggling too. Since I'm now seeing two different therapists, I have therapy three days a week. I figure it will help me to have someone to talk to/be accountable to three sessions per week.

I know you're on break now, but is there any way you can add a session per week? Might help to get over the hump. I know what I'm doing now is helping....I have the thoughts of two different therapists to help deal with all that's going on in my life.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I think you are showing remarkable strength, especially during what sounds like a particularly rough period. I'm glad you are staying safe, and well done for being SI free for two months! That is a great achievement, and you should definitely reward yourself like Cinnamon suggested. You deserve it. You also deserve love, as you are definitely loveable. Stay strong and brave! You can do it!

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

This might sound weird, but the fact that you're feeling anger now at her is probably a good thing. I have trouble with the emotion of anger, and MC has said that depression and anxiety are feelings of helplessness, while anger is more about taking action and empowerment. He's said that when he has depressed clients, he'll try to get them to move from depression to anger rather than first going for happiness. Directing some anger at her is better than directing it at yourself...

Funny, that. My uni therapist keeps saying how she wants me to be angry. She encourages any and all anger; I once told her that she had made me angry, and her response to that was, "Good!" She seems to think I need to be angry about the injustice of everything I have been through in my life so far, in order to work through it, but all I can feel is sadness. Growing up with undiagnosed bipolar disorder I have felt plenty of anger, and it never did me any good. I have screamed and cried and yelled, which caused nothing but grief. I can't see how anger will benefit me, at this point, but maybe it will once I'm done grieving.

But I digress!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

I think you are showing remarkable strength, especially during what sounds like a particularly rough period. I'm glad you are staying safe, and well done for being SI free for two months! That is a great achievement, and you should definitely reward yourself like Cinnamon suggested. You deserve it. You also deserve love, as you are definitely loveable. Stay strong and brave! You can do it!


Funny, that. My uni therapist keeps saying how she wants me to be angry. She encourages any and all anger; I once told her that she had made me angry, and her response to that was, "Good!" She seems to think I need to be angry about the injustice of everything I have been through in my life so far, in order to work through it, but all I can feel is sadness. Growing up with undiagnosed bipolar disorder I have felt plenty of anger, and it never did me any good. I have screamed and cried and yelled, which caused nothing but grief. I can't see how anger will benefit me, at this point, but maybe it will once I'm done grieving.

But I digress!

Same here--MC was glad I was angry at him over our misunderstanding. It was kind of weird, him being like, "You're mad at me--that's good!" For me, I just have trouble with the emotion of anger in general, like I'd rather turn it inward than toward other people. But it's certainly healthier to be angry at others than at yourself. Which applies to you, PinkFlamingo! How are you doing today?

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Same here--MC was glad I was angry at him over our misunderstanding. It was kind of weird, him being like, "You're mad at me--that's good!" For me, I just have trouble with the emotion of anger in general, like I'd rather turn it inward than toward other people. But it's certainly healthier to be angry at others than at yourself.

I can be angry at others, but it does take a lot. It is, however, much easier to be angry at myself. I beat myself up and punish myself every day, actually. My uni therapist hates that. She has, however, recognised the importance of it. "The most important thing - the thing you must do every day - is punish yourself." And she's right; it feels wrong not to do it. So she wants me to be angry at literally anything else at this point.