I have missed her all over Christmas and it's not getting any easier.
I miss the consistency with her. I seen her every week for what would have been two years in February.
Although new t is fun and exciting I still feel a deep loss and sadness with ex t. Despite all of her flaws and mistakes we did work well together for the most part.
I have only seen new t twice and I am considering not going back and calling ex t because I have lots of doubts and fears around new t.
I guess I am just confused about it all and wondering why this keeps happening. I can't always blame my ts, there are two of us in the relationship.
Any thoughts or comments are appreciated because I don't know what I need.

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[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I have missed her all over Christmas and it's not getting any easier.
I miss the consistency with her. I seen her every week for what would have been two years in February.
Although new t is fun and exciting I still feel a deep loss and sadness with ex t. Despite all of her flaws and mistakes we did work well together for the most part.
I have only seen new t twice and I am considering not going back and calling ex t because I have lots of doubts and fears around new t.
I guess I am just confused about it all and wondering why this keeps happening. I can't always blame my ts, there are two of us in the relationship.
Any thoughts or comments are appreciated because I don't know what I need.

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Hey Monalissa
I'm really sorry that you're hurting. I think I can imagine how it must feel, I'd miss my T as well...despite the things that anger me about her.
I'm wondering if a part of you missing your old T is due to your uncertainty about new T. They seem to be very different, not that one is wrong the other is right but just really different. Could it be that new Ts style is so unfamiliar to you, causing you to question the therapeutic relationship that you have with her? Did you miss old T before beginning work with new T? I'm just pondering how I would feel if in your shoes... I would say allow yourself to miss old T and talk to new T about your uncertainty...see if there is any relationship to missing old T. And remember, if you continue to miss old T then maybe reach out if the longing doesn't get better😊😊😊

[Out There]

I'm also sorry that you're hurting - Christmas can be difficult for bringing up feelings of what we've lost or never had and can amplify things. It seems you're stuck between a rock and a hard place , but options seem to be available for both T's?. T1 sounds consistent , T2 doesn't seem consistent and is perhaps moving a little fast. I'm looking at your own words here - confusion , doubts fears , that's difficult and bewildering.

I always miss my ex-T when I'm on a break from my new T. I figure that the loss I feel at the break from new T kind of triggers the loss of ex-T. Your T2 sounds quite unusual (that's a polite British way of describing her), I don't think you should blame yourself if you decide she is not for you.

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

Hey Monalissa

I'm really sorry that you're hurting. I think I can imagine how it must feel, I'd miss my T as well...despite the things that anger me about her.

I'm wondering if a part of you missing your old T is due to your uncertainty about new T. They seem to be very different, not that one is wrong the other is right but just really different. Could it be that new Ts style is so unfamiliar to you, causing you to question the therapeutic relationship that you have with her? Did you miss old T before beginning work with new T? I'm just pondering how I would feel if in your shoes... I would say allow yourself to miss old T and talk to new T about your uncertainty...see if there is any relationship to missing old T. And remember, if you continue to miss old T then maybe reach out if the longing doesn't get better

Thanks for the great advice 1step I think you are right about why I am missing old t. Part of it is because of uncertainty and unfamiliarity about my relationship with new t. Perhaps it's a bit too much for someone like me who needs routine and certainty. I guess I always knew that old t would be there for me in a crisis. She encouraged me to count on her for extra support. First thing new t said was when I expressed my fear of only seeing her once a month was " Mona, you can manage without a t, you are not going to fall apart" but I do fall apart and old t knew this and always fitted me in when needed and schrduled extra support during holidays.
I don't feel comfortable talking about ex t with new t because they know a lot of the same people. New t was very interested in my feelings towards her and it scared me.

Originally Posted by Out There

I'm also sorry that you're hurting - Christmas can be difficult for bringing up feelings of what we've lost or never had and can amplify things. It seems you're stuck between a rock and a hard place , but options seem to be available for both T's?. T1 sounds consistent , T2 doesn't seem consistent and is perhaps moving a little fast. I'm looking at your own words here - confusion , doubts fears , that's difficult and bewildering.

Thank you Out There, I guess when you repeat my exact words it gives me more clarity. They are not words you would usually use when describing therapy. I guess I just needed someone to point this out somehow. Thank you

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I always miss my ex-T when I'm on a break from my new T. I figure that the loss I feel at the break from new T kind of triggers the loss of ex-T. Your T2 sounds quite unusual (that's a polite British way of describing her), I don't think you should blame yourself if you decide she is not for you.

Hi Brown owl,
Thank you for being polite, we Irish would use a similar type saying to describe her lol!
I guess Christmas is a hard time for me and it's usually when I realise all that I have lost, I would know with ex t that she would be there to support me after the break but I am not sure of new t. I woke up after a night of really awful nightmares and for a moment I couldn't wait to work on these dreams with ex t and then I remembered that I can't, so I have been left with a huge sadness all day.


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[PinkFlamingo99]

Can I be honest? I don't want to hurt you or anything, but both of these T's seem a little off to me. Have you thought of trying a third one? Maybe someone a little less... Bizarre? I know you like her as a person, but maybe as a T you need more normalcy and stability. And a little kindness, understanding and warmth without so much weird stuff.

[musinglizzy]

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know if/when I leave my current T I will still miss her terribly. I can't even imagine....

People saying both T's are a bit strange or bizarre has me confused... I guess I must have missed those posts where you described your T's. But.... just stay vigilant, and know you need to do what's best for YOU... and if new T isn't a good fit, try to keep your options open. I'm doing that very thing right now. Even though I am currently seeing two T's, I'm doing my research in case the new T isn't working out for me. I want a back up plan.

[PinkFlamingo99]

PS. I miss mine too. But I know she was unhealthy for me so I have to be strong. I wrote a list of reasons why she was bad/ways she hurt me/painful things she said, and I keep it on my phone and read it everytime I get the urge to contact her. Maybe you could try something like that? I actually got the idea from the "acting opposite" DBT handout. It was about "acting opposite" for undeserved love, but I think it works too for just questionable yearning in general. At least it will help you see where you are. If you can't come up with a lot of reasons not to contact her, maybe you could give her another chance.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

PS. I miss mine too. But I know she was unhealthy for me so I have to be strong. I wrote a list of reasons why she was bad/ways she hurt me/painful things she said, and I keep it on my phone and read it everytime I get the urge to contact her. Maybe you could try something like that? I actually got the idea from the "acting opposite" DBT handout. It was about "acting opposite" for undeserved love, but I think it works too for just questionable yearning in general. At least it will help you see where you are. If you can't come up with a lot of reasons not to contact her, maybe you could give her another chance.

That's a great idea thank you I am glad it worked for you pink flamingo, logically I know there are reasons why I left her, valid reasons but also I miss her, I miss being listened to and understood by her.
I think keeping a list on my phone could work well for me. I had to stop myself from contacting an ex by telling myself she was no good for me, it took a long time but eventually worked.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know if/when I leave my current T I will still miss her terribly. I can't even imagine....


People saying both T's are a bit strange or bizarre has me confused... I guess I must have missed those posts where you described your T's. But.... just stay vigilant, and know you need to do what's best for YOU... and if new T isn't a good fit, try to keep your options open. I'm doing that very thing right now. Even though I am currently seeing two T's, I'm doing my research in case the new T isn't working out for me. I want a back up plan.

That's a sensible idea to have a back up plan and it's also good self care. My ex t was very bizarre in many ways, at first I loved that about her too( just like new t) but after a while her unconventional ways really bothered me. They also hurt me, which was a small price to pay for an excellent therapist but something wasn't working anymore.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Can I be honest? I don't want to hurt you or anything, but both of these T's seem a little off to me. Have you thought of trying a third one? Maybe someone a little less... Bizarre? I know you like her as a person, but maybe as a T you need more normalcy and stability. And a little kindness, understanding and warmth without so much weird stuff.

Thank you you didn't hurt me at all and I really appreciated your honesty. I haven't actually thought of a third t, I always limit myself and consider going back to ex t rather looking for a new one.
Because I am a t (in training) I suppose both ts have treated me differently and moved too quick, what they forget is that although I am a t in training, I am still a regular human with lots of problems, I am also hurt and in emotional pain. I don't need a friend or menthor, I need a good t!

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[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

That's a great idea thank you I am glad it worked for you pink flamingo, logically I know there are reasons why I left her, valid reasons but also I miss her, I miss being listened to and understood by her.
I think keeping a list on my phone could work well for me. I had to stop myself from contacting an ex by telling myself she was no good for me, it took a long time but eventually worked.


That's a sensible idea to have a back up plan and it's also good self care. My ex t was very bizarre in many ways, at first I loved that about her too( just like new t) but after a while her unconventional ways really bothered me. They also hurt me, which was a small price to pay for an excellent therapist but something wasn't working anymore.



Thank you you didn't hurt me at all and I really appreciated your honesty. I haven't actually thought of a third t, I always limit myself and consider going back to ex t rather looking for a new one.
Because I am a t (in training) I suppose both ts have treated me differently and moved too quick, what they forget is that although I am a t in training, I am still a regular human with lots of problems, I am also hurt and in emotional pain. I don't need a friend or menthor, I need a good t!

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Mona, you say that both Ts treat you differently because you're a T in training. I wonder about that. If you're seeing a T about your own problems, why should they treat you any differently than any other client? If that's the way it works, I think it's a poor system. I think if a T goes for therapy, it should be just that: therapy. My opinion, anyway.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Mona, you say that both Ts treat you differently because you're a T in training. I wonder about that. If you're seeing a T about your own problems, why should they treat you any differently than any other client? If that's the way it works, I think it's a poor system. I think if a T goes for therapy, it should be just that: therapy. My opinion, anyway.

Do you have a clinical supervisor? Could you ask for a referral?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Mona, you say that both Ts treat you differently because you're a T in training. I wonder about that. If you're seeing a T about your own problems, why should they treat you any differently than any other client? If that's the way it works, I think it's a poor system. I think if a T goes for therapy, it should be just that: therapy. My opinion, anyway.

The truth is they do treat you differently and suffice to say some even ask, do you actually want therapy or do you just need to build up your hours? We have to do 100 personal therapy hours to qualify. Some ts think they will have it easy and that we have already done the work but that's not the case. The further I go the more work I have to do, especially now that I am seeing clients. You are right Rainbow, it is a poor system.

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Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Do you have a clinical supervisor? Could you ask for a referral?

I do and I could, thank you

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