Wondering something

I wonder if I found a partner who would satisfy me emotionally and physically, would I be able to finally quit therapy? I don't know if that will happen, but I was thinking about it. I use T to meet those needs, but if I had a real person, it's possible I'd be satisfied. Or, are the childhood unmet needs still going to be an obstacle? I don't expect anyone to know the answer, and I'm not ready to look for a man yet, but I did start wondering about it.

Hmmmm, interesting question. I would think, yes, probably. My T won't meet those needs for me, she used to, but taking it away really hasn't had me going around trying to find it somewhere else. This question makes me think of a book I read. It's called What your Therapist is Really Thinking or something like that. It's written by a psychologist, but it's actually a therapy novel. I enjoyed it, even though it wasn't a "fix yourself" or how-to book. And in the end, the client, Shira, finds what she needs, and eventually quit therapy. Although as you read through the book, you'd think she's a "lifer." For being a novel, it really gave a lot of good insight (I have to wonder if the therapist who wrote the book might have had a former client in mind when she was writing it). Very nice that you have a therapist willing to help meet your needs. My T has done a complete 180 (as you know), and expects me to seek needs outside of therapy, which I TOTALLY agree with...once a person is ready.

Honestly though, I DO think a T's job is to help you discover those needs, perhaps help meet them, but in doing so, help you learn to find those needs outside of therapy. If your T continues to meet your emotional/physical needs for years, without guiding you to find them outside of therapy, I'm not sure that's really a good thing. I don't recall how long you have been seeing this T.... but I know you have a great relationship with her.

I'm wondering that too in a way. But I figure that, in my case at least, having someone else to meet some of my needs very well would take something out of therapy that don't belongs there. So relationship needs could be satisfied appropriately by a partner and emotional processing and healing needs could be appropriately satisfied by a therapist.

I think if you haven't unpacked and understood those unmet needs in therapy they can become a burden on a relationship (I still have no idea how H put up with my constant 'just leave me then, if I'm such a problem' tests when we first met). I don't think a partner can or should fill the role of parent because the relationship should be on an equal footing for it to work, however with aspects that therapy fills such as loneliness, need to feel valued and loved etc, I think therapy can begin to take a backseat in filling those kind of needs.
It certainly wouldn't be a case of 'I'm in a relationship now, I don't need therapy anymore' because that would put tremendous strain on a relationship.

Satisfaction comes from within

No, no, no. Those needs are yours, and no one can fill them. Not a T and not a partner. I have the most wonderful wife you could ask for, but I remain haunted by loneliness, pain and need rooted in my childhood. Your T is never meant to meet those needs, but to teach you by example how to meet them yourself. As my T is fond of saying " YOU are who you really need. When you are truly loving and supporting yourself, that need will finally quiet"
Not only do I think.its unlikely to work I think its actually dangerous and unhealthy to look to someone else to.meet those needs

Other people cannot fulfill your needs in adulthood. I think that belief that someone else can be the solution to childhood issues is the cause of many problems in relationships. You have to find that within yourself. Getting whatever it is may feel better temporarily, but it is only a temporary fix; the issues will remain.

I find I still need my therapist even though I'm married. My therapist helps me keep things in perspective. Something my husband can't seem to do.

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I don´t think you can find someone you would be willing to do that in the long run, without some kind of a burn out if they don´t get their needs met to.

No one else can meet your needs, as they are your needs; but a good partner can help you learn, along with your therapist, how to get them met or deal with their not getting met, etc. and I found the good partner doubled the speed and ease with which I learned

I am not sure one person can fill all ones needs. Some of the fulfillment needs to come from within. I have been happily married for over 20 years to a man who does what he can for me. I have a few wonderful friends who meet other needs. Still with these great supports I need to for other things in my life. I don't think it is healthy to rely on just one person.

Thank you! That book sounds interesting. My T wants me to get my needs met elsewhere, at least the ones I can. That's ALWAYS been her goal for me. The problem is that I fight doing that because it's hard. I've repeated my pattern with 5 Ts but my current T is the only one who has allowed emails and touch. I've seen her for almost 6 years.

That's kind of what I mean. I didn't have the physical or emotional intimacy I wanted in my marriage. If I could find it, then I wouldn't be so focused on my T. I probably would still want to see her but maybe not.

I see what you mean. The part who wants someone to take care of those early needs can't be satisfied by a husband. My T has stressed over and over that my Self can nurture that part. But I think I would have been able to do that if I had a different relationship with my H.

So true, Mouse!

I was thinking more in the line of: If I had a H who valued me and made me feel more loved (I know my H loved me but he didn't show it in a way I needed), I wouldn't have to turn to my T as much. My self-esteem would go up. I realize I have to feel good about myself first. So something positive has come up from " not wanting my T to be with that guy", an insight to examine whether I'm ready to be in s new relationship yet, and what I can do to satisfy the baby/child parts who are sometimes still very needy.

I get that, but I think I would have been different with a gentler spouse, and someone who could raise me up rather than criticize and bring me down. I know my child hood issues would still be there but I've had so many years of therapy, I just have to accept the feelings I have.

Thank you. That's a good point to consider

I DO want to give to a partner too. I want it to be mutual. I didn't mean I want to take from someone. I just want someone who is emotionally able to respond to me.

Thank you, Perna. It's nice to "see" you again. What you wrote is encouraging.

I have some very good friends who satisfy my needs too. I was just wondering if I had a H who could satisfy the needs I want from my T ( the love she gives me) and the physical needs I didn't get satisfied by my H, maybe I will be satisfied.

Sometimes I think I wouldn't need therapy if I was married. I probably wouldn't be as depressed. But at the same time, having a husband would probably create new problems for me. I have a feeling I may be in therapy for a long time.

Maybe I'm out of line here but I'm wondering if, for you, your needs would be met by a woman rather than a man?

Support is great, it certainly makes it easier and I think some of what you crave from your T could be met by a partner.

I have been happily married for over 6 years. I have a really wonderful husband that is always there for me and does everything he can for me. He does meet some of my needs but I have a lot of childhood needs that he cant meet. I thought before I met him that if I got married then all of my needs would be met. My T told me that no one can be everything to anyone. She is right. My T does meet some of my needs. I have a friend that meets some of my needs. So I get my needs met by different people. There are some needs I have that will never be met and I am still having a hard time accepting that. I know its not healthy to have your therapist meet certain childhood needs of yours and I have worked hard to accept that she can't meet all of them and to not rely on her like I used to. I agree with other people that its not good or healthy to rely on one person for all of your needs. I still need my T even though I am married. She understands my mental illness more than my husband and I like having a third party for advice. Being married does give me more support. I lean on my husband more than my T. If I was not married I would be leaning on my T for almost everything. That does not mean that being married is a bandage. Nothing is. I know that is hard to accept. I am still trying to accept that. Why life so hard?

I dont mean for my response to sound harsh or mean. Its just the reality of having needs that were not met in your childhood. It sucks.

this is real...Ive learned that I have to find happiness within me...and my needs will be taken care of when I find inner joy..its just difficult sometimes

Well it depends what you in therapy for.

I am not in therapy to meet emotional needs at all but rather for professional help with specific issues. I don't crave any special connection with t, but I want professional help

I am in a very very satisfying relationship and am the happiest I've ever been but it doesn't mean everything else would never resurface.

I still have to deal with finances or my toxic father or missing my daughter who lives too far or me always procrastinating and I also wan to discuss my fiancée's rather bizarre family and I feel guilty as I feel very judgmental ( they are trashy although he isn't and it is something I feel arrogant about and am afraid it would show in my comments etc). Actually one of the things pertaining to my relationship is me worrying something bad going to happen to him. I am always stressed he will get ill or get in to accident and I drive myself crazy with worries! That's actually is going to be my topic of next therapy session.

Some people are in therapy so they can learn strategies of managing every day life. My fiancée did CBT for years due to his OCD and Tourettes. He needed someone to teach him techniques and he had been using them since. He doesn't need it now but his therapy is unrelated if he is in a happy relationship or not.

I personally do not believe therapy can ( or should)ever meet ones emotional needs, the ones that we meet in our jobs, families, friends or romantic partners. I think therapy could help us to find and maintain that satisfaction in real life. That's just my take on it

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Thank you, Jane. If you mean a woman partner, you could be right but that's not an option for me. I do have a few close women friends with whom I connect on a deep emotional level that satisfies me, though. I realize most men don't relate that way but there must be some that do. Maybe. Do sensitive, caring, romantic men exist or are they only in books and movies?

I have two best friends. One of them has CPTSD and needs a lot of support, and the other one is the single mother of a one-year-old. Therapy is 50 minutes where I just focus on myself, which is something I really need, even if I have my emotional needs met by other people. My two therapists provide support I could not get elsewhere, as well as professional guidance so I can grow and change as a person in ways that are healthy.

However, my close relationship with one of them has been very healing for me. It has been nurturing and reparative in nature, and has meant a lot to me. I wasn't abused or neglected as a child, but I was very misunderstood; I was seen as a problem child and didn't receive a lot of compassion. I learned that I was bad, and I would remain undiagnosed bipolar until I was 23. So finally having my struggles validated by someone, being told I should be proud of myself for being where I am today, being practically showered with compassion and understanding… these are things that have really mattered to me. She is teaching me that I need to be kind to myself. I still struggle with it, but not as much, and it is thanks to my relationship with this therapist. Therefore I do not agree that therapy can't or shouldn't meet emotional needs, because for some people it definitely can, and there is nothing wrong with it. My therapist hugs me, tells me that she loves me, calls me precious, and says that she's proud of me. I have spent years being emotionally closed off before I met this woman, but now I am being taught how to accept love and kindness, and how to give it as well. I'm in therapy because I hate myself; my self-hatred is at the centre of every problem I have. I am mean to myself, all the time. I have lived most of my life thinking that I deserve to be miserable, and no one else I know has picked up on the severity of my self-abuse. She is the first one to point it out and make me aware of it. I really needed her. I still do.

So I don't think having close relationships with other people could ever "replace" therapy, at least not for me. I will be in therapy for as long as I need to, regardless of what happens in life on the "outside". I don't believe a partner could ever be some kind of substitute for someone with several years of therapy training.

we sorta talked about that today in t. talking about my relationship with my h.... no resolution for me yet.....

I'm the wrong person to ask but yes I'm sure they must. I just wasn't sure if the connection you crave can be found with a woman. A lot of the gentle caring you seem to crave from T must be found both inwards and maybe with someone else. I don't have all (or any) of the answers for you, just wondered if it was something that needed to be considered.

I don't think a partner can ever meet the needs we work on/satisfy/ struggle with etc. (you know what I'm talking about), that we "do in therapy ".

I thought they don't exist either as I have been always attracted to rather matcho difficult men.

My t ensured me that they do exist, I just never attracted them or never was attracted to them. I only attracted what was familiar. And familiar was unhealthy due to my family's dynamics.

My t also said we attract people at our own level. When we are unhealthy we attract unhealthy partners. When we are unavailable that's who we attract. I think she is right

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I'm married to one. They do exist.

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I hope you will be able to terminate therapy (as you do it atm), even if you don't find a partner. Hopefully those early needs will be met through therapy by building a solid foundation that you can feel safe and secure then take them over yourself. But that doesn't mean that we don't need or want another person in our life letting us know we ,stater to them. I believe mother love and romantic love are intertwined. But, I certainly don't want a parent in a romantic relationship.

In the mean time that caring, that mothering comes from taking care of ourselves, soothing ourselves; a good book, a hot bubble bath, massage, a shared bottle of wine, weekend with friends...

And, if love comes, great!

P.S. And, if you want to stay in therapy that's okay too, but don't switch one for the other if your work is not done. My opinions only.