[nottrustin]

I have been dealing with something very difficult lately with T. It entails me cutting a family member out of my and my kids lives permanently. It is necessary but painful and hard for me to do so T and I are taking it slowly. She is very supportive of me doing it when I am ready and voice that. When I second guess the ability to do it or waffle about the decision T reminds me why it is necessary. So anyway, when we discuss this (and other issues really) I will frequently say something like I know you are right and I need to do this but it is so hard. She always says to me it is not about her being right but rather what is important for my mental and emotional well being. I don't know why but it drives me crazy when she says it is not about her being right. Maybe it is invalidating what I am saying or something....

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I have been dealing with something very difficult lately with T. It entails me cutting a family member out of my and my kids lives permanently. It is necessary but painful and hard for me to do so T and I are taking it slowly. She is very supportive of me doing it when I am ready and voice that. When I second guess the ability to do it or waffle about the decision T reminds me why it is necessary. So anyway, when we discuss this (and other issues really) I will frequently say something like I know you are right and I need to do this but it is so hard. She always says to me it is not about her being right but rather what is important for my mental and emotional well being. I don't know why but it drives me crazy when she says it is not about her being right. Maybe it is invalidating what I am saying or something....

I don't think it is meant to be invalidating. I think she is reminding you that your decision is about you and improving your life. She has nothing to do with it except to offer support.

I think she is just saying if you do this, it HAS to be your decision and you have to do it for yourself -- not for anyone else, including her.

I had to do this many years ago. It was a horribly difficult decision, but to continue exposing myself to that individual kept me in constant crisis and turmoil. It was hard to set that boundary concerning that individual and brought some things to a head. In the long-run it was absolutely the right decision for me, but it was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made.

My husband has had to cut out pretty much his entire family which is very painful for him because, regardless of how dysfunctional they are, they are still his family and he still loves them and longs for what they just simply can't be for him. He knows he has made the right decision for himself, but that doesn't keep it from being painful. It is a huge loss.

[unaluna]

Yeah i would call it t-speak. Us regular people sometimes think in terms of right and not-so.

[nottrustin]

[quote=lolagrace;4857967]I think she is just saying if you do this, it HAS to be your decision and you have to do it for yourself -- not for anyone else, including her.

I had to do this many years ago. It was a horribly difficult decision, but to continue exposing myself to that individual kept me in constant crisis and turmoil. It was hard to set that boundary concerning that individual and brought some things to a head. In the long-run it was absolutely the right decision for me, but it was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made.

This is exactly what I am going through. He is a huge trigger for me...he was not my abuser but how he lives his life is a huge trigger for me on a frequent basis...plus it is also about protecting my children from his antics..

[laxer12]

There were a couple of instances where my T said something and I said, "yeah, you're right" (because I agreed with her) and I was surprised with her reaction. She said something along the lines of, "Full disclosure, it makes me uncomfortable when you say that. I'm not trying to be right and I don't want you to feel like you need to agree with everything I say". When she said that, she actually made me uncomfortable which I know was not the intent but I appreciated her response.

It seems like T's really want us to come up with our own decisions and opinions and I guess some get uncomfortable when we say "you're right". I think it's okay to agree with them but I now say "I agree" rather than "you're right".

I agree with what your T is saying. She is giving it back to you.

[Favorite Jeans]

Is there any part of you that does not believe her when she says this? That is, do you feel, for any reason, like your T really does actually need to be right?

And if you do feel that way: Do you think it is about your need to have your T be an infallible authority? Or is it she who sends subtle or conflicting messages about not tolerating your disagreement and needing to be right in spite of her protestations to the contrary?

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Is there any part of you that does not believe her when she says this? That is, do you feel, for any reason, like your T really does actually need to be right?

And if you do feel that way: Do you think it is about your need to have your T be an infallible authority? Or is it she who sends subtle or conflicting messages about not tolerating your disagreement and needing to be right in spite of her protestations to the contrary?

I have never felt this way with her. When it happens it is because we are discussing something where I need to make a difficult decision.. I know what she is recommending is what I need to do go me and my family. However, I can't actually do it because of my fears, not wanting to hurt others, etc. She seems to know once I work through the issues I eventually am able to follow through.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by laxer12

There were a couple of instances where my T said something and I said, "yeah, you're right" (because I agreed with her) and I was surprised with her reaction. She said something along the lines of, "Full disclosure, it makes me uncomfortable when you say that. I'm not trying to be right and I don't want you to feel like you need to agree with everything I say". When she said that, she actually made me uncomfortable which I know was not the intent but I appreciated her response.

It seems like T's really want us to come up with our own decisions and opinions and I guess some get uncomfortable when we say "you're right". I think it's okay to agree with them but I now say "I agree" rather than "you're right".

Thank you. Maybe that is what it is. Next time I will have to ask her about it. Maybe I agree would be better.

[stopdog]

I would say "I don't especially disagree with you on this"