Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Tell me. How does it feel when you don't know if someone is lying or telling the truth?

How do you think I feel?? How do you think I have been these last years?

You wanted me to go into my heart where those feelings live and I really did try but I couldn't do it. I was already crying enough. Maybe I did while I was doing the sand tray. You know, the wells? I want to be the mermaid.

When you told me you were holding off on taking your vacation to know when I was taking mine so that you wouldn't have to cancel any of my appointments.... I can't describe how 'happy' that made me feel inside, perhaps like I was worth something?

I am NOT coping with this little break well. I know its MY vacation mostly but I also know you are unavailable until Monday which is not usually the case and I am losing it. Losing it. I know I am over emailing and over texting And I've apologized and said I'm trying to uncover the old feelings behind these reactions. But I still MISS you so bad it hurts...

I never thought you would hurt me the way you have. I've lost all faith in humanity...

I sketched the sand tray i did yest and will try to go into it in an Active and see if i find a poem there. Look at me coming up w something you would suggest. Thank you for your response to my OLD poem from 1979. Your thoughts about it were spot-on.

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T,

Today I didn't talk about what I wanted to talk about. I really should talk to you about it. It's been bothering me so much.

I didn't like it when you started about my upcoming exams while you will be away during that time. You're leaving me almost two months before those exams are. We can talk about it now, but I need you during that time. I'm not really anxious about it yet, that will come when it's getting closer.
So don't talk about things that will happen when you're away. You aren't avaiable to support me during that time, so don't talk to me about it now.

I'm angry. And sad. Lonely. I'm just such a mess.

Dear T,

I've figured out what I think might be going on for me and why I feel so overwhelmed and scared. I think I'm stuck in 9-year-old mode and having to be an adult is too overwhelming. I hope you understand and know of some way to help me today.

And as much as I didn't want to, you're making it really hard not to love you for helping me and not yelling at me and getting mad when I'm upset.

See you in a couple of hours.

Dear ex T

So I called you. I wanted to hear your voicemail and I'm not sure why. I'm not sorry really. I'm trying to survive this huge pain you have dealt me and I may not do it perfectly well everytime.

"I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke"

I am struggling so much. I can't deal with these feelings. I miss you and want to be with you for more than an hour. I am so tired of having these needs.

Dear MC,
Thanks for today's thrice-rescheduled session. And for wishing me a "Happy Birthday" after I mentioned that it was this weekend, when T and p-doc wouldn't say that for some reason, despite mentioning it, and even after I wished p-doc a Happy Birthday since she mentioned hers was last week.
I love you so f***ing much...
--LT

Can't resist -- PERFECT line!!

Why am I finding these minor schedule changes so.impossible to deal with?

Ugh I'm freaking out!!!! What's wrong with me??? Why is this little break so hard????

Damn, woman! You are fearless in your questions! How do you DO that?!

I have the house to myself this evening and it is quiet and I am trying to go into that place we talked about yesterday but I come here instead and I am not ready to go there just yet sigh.

T,

I'm not freaking out. Jsyk.

Me

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please check on me tomorrow, I won't because it's saturday and i don't wanna text you in the weekend. i had the scariest date ever tonight. please check on me tomorrow. please, please. please.

Did you ever make the call to fix my record?? It sure was easy for you to make the call to ruin me wasn't it??

DId you ever say a good word about me?? Or did you only call back to beg them to cover your _____? Beg them because YOU WERE WRONG!! Did you admit to being WRONG about me??? Or are you STILL HAVING FUN MOCKING ME????

No T in their right mind would GO AGAINST THEIR OWN CLIENT??? I was a fool to trust you. I expected others would jump at the chance to get gossip against me. But I was surprised that so many jumped to play your game of charades. They knew it was wrong. God knows what you did was horrible to me. You and others totally disrespected me. How do you think I feel???

Please let me tell this in my messy unfolding way. I promise it will make sense as it is all connected. You tend to cut off my rants. These are more like loose threads that actually are connected upon careful untangling.

Please listen to the undercurrent and the themes. So afraid you will cut me off. So much material is going to seem random as hell but it is not. Please listen with both heart and head.

Getting to the point is a strength of yours but sometimes the story unfolding is important to look at too.

Did you have a good time last night?? Did you think no one would figure out that you were only in this for yourself? That you became as nosey as she is. That is what you both have in common.

Now you are trying to glorify yourself again, at my expense of course (what the heck you've grown accustomed to your own excuses).

You are one low-life to continue beating me down. You actually call yourself a therapist?? A mental health caregiver? How about a taker of someone's life?

Dear PDoc,

I actually zoomed into this thread as I am just going to need to pick myself back up each and everytime I deal with my father in some capacity or another. Hence, the numerous years in and out of therapy since I was a child and he determined that I needed to be there. There's times like these when I remind myself of the word 'choice' that was used albeit not quite in today's/yesterday's context but in that he has made choices, right or wrong or indifferent. The choice word stuck with me because like Pavlovian dogs, it sunk in.

Dear T,

Thanks also for therapeutic reminders. On his terms is one expression that stands out.

Dear Both,

I wouldn't encourage an unethical financial request which was his grande idea of sending me a check for $25 and with his soon to be ex wifes ssn and dob deposit at a branch of her bank (aka drive an hour from home) because he wants her bank account number and wants a freeze because he insists that she has hundreds of thousands in it.

So, I got a simple card for my birthday. No check, no giftcard unlike the past several years.

On his terms. His choice.

Me

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Hi t. So I went out in my beautiful backyard and sat under my tree and closed my eyes and did an Active with the sand tray from Thursday like I planned to. I had a nice talk with the mermaid, she gave me some good advice, and I swam down in the waters below her a bit before I left.

I also tried to do a little writing to try to answer my question to you, the way you re-phrased it. I think I've answered the part of the question I was able to ask. But I don't know how to answer the other part. I guess we need to figure out that answer together. I still marvel at how fearless you are when you ask questions. You ask really really really good ones. And I want to answer this one, I do. I just... well, the mermaid was right, she knows I want the deeper answer, not the surface answer. I know the surface answer already. But I know there's more to it than that. I just don't understand that part. Let's talk about this on Thursday.

Dear T

I messed up, big time.

t,

i just sent you an email about some very explicit sexual things that happened with my former T... now i feel sick and regret it. todays session was super hard, i havent broke down like that in a long time. i tried so hard to keep it in but about 40 min into the session i just cracked. i hope you dont think im gross and disgusting bc of my email. i hope you dont look at me differently or treat me differently.... i feel so ashamed.

me