Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

3 days 14 hours and 28 mins to go. Whose counting The love/hate pendulum is still swinging.

Dear t:

You ROCK. That is all.

Love,
me

T,
Did you miss me? Wonder if I was taking my meds? see you next week.

What an amazing, healing session. Thank you. I love the way you rub my arm after we hug. Its so comforting.

I didn't see you this week, and I'm coping!

Dear T
It was strange that I brought up those two subjects yesterday, and you said you had resolved to talk about them, but I got there first, - I had no intention of bringing that up, weird. I have felt so close and connected to you the past few sessions, I love it when you smile and laugh, or you are sad for me.
And now I just feel scared,and sad. I feel a little bit cared for, - and I know that you will leave, or ask me to leave, if I stop paying you stop caring. And then I am back on my own with everything like before, except then I didn't know it all, I hadn't pulled it out into the light...this feels so painful. I don't know what to do.

Dear T

Every time I tell you something hard in an email, I'm afraid that at our next session you will tell me we'll have to terminate. Eventhough you are kind/understanding in your reply to me, I'm still afraid this will be the time you'll think ''it's enough''.

And that's also today. Maybe you won't terminate because they're are only about 6-7 sessions/weeks left with me, but maybe you'll say it's better for me if I start sooner with that new T. Or maybe you won't be my T when you're back from your leave. (I still don't know what I want, what I think is best for me. It's such a long time. I'll decide/know when the time is there.)

Dear P-doc,
Thanks for saying you don't think I need hospitalization. And for really listening to me yesterday. And for being willing to give my theory of bipolar II a shot by giving me a mood stabilizer along with the Zoloft. I think I've come around to trusting you again...

Also t thank you so much for the hug yesterday. I wanted one but was too emotional to ask.

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Where do you go when the world has treated you badly? Not for a day, a week or even a month. I mean a really, really, long time? Where do you go for consolation? I say the bar or the pharmacy baby. No lectures tonight. Sometimes ya just need a little help and you're not around......

This is ridiculous. You should have talked to ME. You should have ASKED ME. Instead, you went to someone who didn't even know me to get information ABOUT ME!! You were told MISINFORMATION and preferred to go with that rather than what I told you right in your office. This never should have happened....NEVER.....now I'm left with nothing.

I so want a hug from you occasionally but more realistically a hand on the shoulder or something. It feels really artificial, sometimes, to share these really personal and painful things with you, and to not touch in some way. I don't know if it's because I have touch issues or you have touch issues I don't know about or what the hell is going on. If I said something, would it change things? But I won't, because if I said something and you STILL didn't want to ever touch me it would feel awful. But you did touch me, two weeks ago, by accident, on the shoulder...so I am not sure about this at all.

Also, thank you for caring enough to listen and read the things I write. I'm glad I can have the writing outlet and that helps so much for days/times when we cannot talk.

Today in a group exercise I was asked to describe someone I respect; I talked about you.

Thanks for today. I appreciate you so much!!

Procrastination that my phone hing these days. At least, I haven't taken to hiding...but

What am I avoiding?

Dear T,

Thank you for the phone call yesterday.

Thank you for asking me why I balk at your positive suggestions...and when I answered with an angry edge in my voice,

"Because they frustrate me!!,"

you said,

"Ah, there it is. There it comes.." with the tone of a mother who is glad her child has just vomited up something that was making her sick....

t,

thanks for reassuring me that you dont think i am gross and it's not wrong to dream about these things

me

T
I need to know, I need to know now. I need you to say, yes, it was that, or no, it wasn't, just tell me. I need to know T!

Hey t. Ima have to cancel this coming week... and reschedule for the first week in March and go back to the every 2 weeks thing. On top of having to replace the washer, my h had to put 3 new tires on his car. Ugh! But that's ok, between Thursday and yesterday's sessions, I shall be fine waiting! and that poem my son wrote about listening to the Universe? Yeah.

Dear t,

I know I say it is perfectly fine and I completely understand when these life situations take you away, especially for several days in a row (and it is all true, I do understand how life happens), but what I can't tell you is how often I get through days knowing that If i can Just hang on, i can 'breath' again when we meet and when that "have to cancel" text comes through. .. my heart crashes and I want to just give up and fall apart. .... last week was one of those weeks where each day was so bad that I just kept myself going by meds and telling myself to wait until tomorrow... buy those texts kept coming. I can never tell you any of this, but I wish you understood how alone I am except for what has been created this last year with our sessions. I try so hard to not be bothersome or needy, but if you had any idea how much those sessions keep me going and that i do trust you enough that I have come to accept that I am not alone with our sessions, I think you might understand how hard these times are. .... or you would leave me for being too needy. Sorry

I know i need to dig more into why i hate my body (and feel it hates me too). There are things they did to it that i still haven't told you about and I'm just not sure i'm ready to open up those boxes. Maybe if we tread gently and carefully?

It's now been over 30 hours since I have slept and I am SOOOO tired and trying to sleep but am just scared and alone and I want to talk to you sooooo bad and maybe not feel so alone, but I know it can't happen. I am alone, even with our sessions, I am still alone in life. Just like these sleepless hours when I am sooo tired but to scared to let go and fighting demons by myself

Thanks for your reaction today. I was really worried you would ship me off to a Pdoc.

T,

You texted me saying that those things that happened don't mean anything about me (like being gross and disgusting). I still fear that they do and I really just want to hide from the world.

Me

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Thank you for such a healing session. It meant a lot how you were really hearing me, not just listening to my words but really "hearing" how things are for me. You "get it". Thank you for the "I love you" and the tight hugs. Its exactly what I needed. Knowing you are there for me gives me hope.